Friday, September 21, 2012

Yes, I do deserve this

In the midst of my crazy life, I do try to find the time to do non-required reading to continue expanding myself.  Lately I've been reading books on health.  That's just the mode I'm in right now, not surprising I'm sure.  I'm almost at the end of reading Ali Vincent's story, the first female winner on The Biggest Loser.  I'm all about seeing how people before me went through the experience of having their lives changed as they have lost significant amounts of weight. 

In talking about her experience, she tells stories of the ways in which her family and friends supported her during your her journey to lose her weight.  In one particular section of the book, she describes a letter she received from one of her sisters.  It said in part, "Somewhere along the line I think you decided you didn't deserve it and I'm here to tell you that you do."  I felt an inner sting inside when I read this because I think I honestly felt that way about myself, too.  Somewhere in my life, I decided that I wasn't worth the extra effort.  That's a very sad thought, isn't it?  I was talking to a special friend at work today and we were commiserating with how we just didn't treat ourselves very well, not wanting to look in the mirror or even cutting off labels from our clothes so that we wouldn't be faced with the reality of where our choices took us.

Reality showed me just how striking it could be today.  There is a friend I have that I worked with for a very long time, probably 20+ years.  She worked with a non-profit agency that ran a program with our school district, but I've always had a very close relationship with her.  She saw me today and she truly didn't recognize me.  I mean, when she came into my office at the high school, she had absolutely no familiarity with me on her face as we spoke and I actually had to convince her that I was the Kathy she has known all these years.  She just looked at me and was dumbfounded.  Now, I've had people not recognize me that perhaps don't know me as well as this friend, but we have shared many lunches together, have been in each others' homes and I have held her grandbabies many times over the years.  And yet she had no recognition when she looked at me.  I think I had myself convinced that those people who said they didn't recognize me where just being nice and supportive of my weight loss endeavors.  But here was this person that knows me well and I was like a stranger to her?

I have been going along my journey, putting one foot in front of the other and not thinking too much about what I'm doing.  Time for me to have another shake?  Okay.  Time for me to get some exercise?  Glad to.  Time for me to be in a normal-sized body?  Whoa ... hold the phone.  I don't think I'm quite ready for that!  Yet, I need to get myself ready because it's likely only a few months away that I'll be transitioning from this phase into the next one.

And I think that is the thing that is shocking to me.  I don't know that I really believed in my heart that I would ever lose as much weight as I have lost.  Of course I was hopeful.  Down deep, though, I was pretty convinced that I would mess it up somehow, like I had done with every other attempt I have made to lose weight.  182 pounds gone.  Who freakin does that anyway?  Apparently I do.  There will come a time where there will be no more weight to lose, just me left dealing with my fears, anxieties and thoughts that I really am worth the effort at the end of the day.  I know this is not nearly the epiphany to other people as it is to me.  It's just that when you get to a certain size, something gets lost.  There are reasons we pick up food in the first place and it's up to me not to do that again. 

No matter what I'm going through in my life, a shift had to have taken place for me to have any sort of weight loss success.  As much as I might internally fight the idea that I may be a normal size one day really soon, if I'm not already there, I can choose to let go of the fight and embrace the fact that I am in the middle of really important healing right now.  I do deserve this healing, I really do.  Maybe I don't buy into it 100% right now, but eventually I will.


nicole said...

Thank you for your honesty, insight, and courage.

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