Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Felt the fear grip me

Today after work, I decided to stop off at Smart & Final because I'm running low on sugar-free Torani for my shakes.  I hardly ever go into grocery stores these days.  Why do I need to when all I buy is water and drinks for my shakes for the most part?  Every time I have gone into one for whatever reason since I've been on Optifast, I have felt some sort of guilt wash over me, like I am not supposed to be there, like I would get in trouble if I were to get caught.  Totally ridiculous thinking, but there you go!

Today, though, as I was looking for what I needed, I had a flood of memories of overeating from other times in my life flood into my consciousness and I got this sudden, overwhelming feeling that I was going to blow it once I finish this phase of the program.  The fear was so strong that I was going to make a huge mistake that I couldn't think about anything else. 

It made me wonder why I was thinking like that.  Looking back on my day, we did have an event at work where there was a lot of food and celebration.  Everyone was partaking in the food, except for me.  I sat there with everyone else and I drank my shake, which is something I always do at social events.  I am comfortable enough with those around me to do that.  I was able to make conversation with people so I wasn't focusing on their food necessarily, except the smell was driving me crazy.  Not in a negative sense that it was bad, but in a sense that the smell was going to drive me to eat.  I didn't feel any desire for the food, but I suppose the smell got the better of me. 

Don't worry, my fellow co-workers, I was absolutely fine and didn't really want any of what you were eating.  It's just that I'm not perfect and the smell was attracting me.  What was doubly hard for me was that someone came up to me and told me that I was a huge inspiration to them, not even in relation to just the weight, but the courage I have been displaying in so many of the things I do.  It actually was very touching.  I can't even say that it was hard necessarily, but it brought up these feelings for me of wondering if I was really the person they said I was.  I never imagined I would be some sort of inspiration for anyone, let alone myself.  Yet, my story is definitely full of inspiration in various ways and I don't think I properly recognize it. 

These are the times when I need to work through the emotions that pop up for me, particularly as I get to a place of truly transitioning from this phase to the next one.  That is going to be difficult, but I also know that God gives me the strength to rise to the occasion and do the absolute best I can in every situation.  For now, I'm doing the best I can to be in the moment about it.  Playing the "what if" game can actually be more debilitating than helpful.  And the truth is the fear doesn't have to grip me.  If I continue being honest, writing down my feelings and trying to work through problems that have arisen, I also know I have the tools I need to make it through to the other side.  And, trust me, I am going to make it to the other side.


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