Monday, September 10, 2012

This week's Optifast class & my day

It's been a pretty long day for me and I still have some reading to do for my class tomorrow night, but first thing's first ... taking care of myself.  So here I am posting about how my day went because I need to keep journaling through this entire process.

Today I had a dentist appointment.  Here is another truth I'd never thought I'd tell anyone, but it's the secrets that cause me shame and embarrassment, ultimately leading me back to picking up food and I just don't want to do that.  I have an awesome, fabulous, terrific dentist.  But, I haven't been to see her in seven years.  Is it because I don't have insurance to cover the cost?  No, I have great insurance through the school district.  Is it because I thought she was going to cause me pain?  No again, she's very kind and gentle in her approach.  Then why wait so long?  At first, it was because I had moved and didn't get the reminder card they send.  Of course, at any point along the way, I could have picked up the phone and called to make another appointment.  Then, as time went on, I was embarrassed to be seen.  It's sort of the same reason I avoided the mirror.  I rationalized that if I didn't see the dentist, she couldn't tell me how I was damaging the enamel on my teeth or gums by the bad food choices I was making.  It was something I had built up in my mind that I dared not face the truth because it had to be just like I was envisioning it.  Thankfully, today's visit was good.  I did have some tartar build up from not brushing after every single Optifast shake I was taking (bad Kathy), but not a single cavity.  I did have a filling that somehow came loose.  I'm having that worked on next week but I practically floated out of there knowing I haven't personally done any damage that is irreplaceable.

Then later at my Optifast group, it was such a great time of good talking.  I opened up to the group about the struggles I have been having with the emotional part of this process.  I described feeling like a foreigner in a strange land where I don't speak the language.  Our counselor asked me a lot of great questions to get to the heart of what was going on.  When I talked to him about my desire to start dating again, but feeling unworthy, unattractive and all of those feelings that I have bottled up inside of me about myself, I almost started crying as he shared his response with me.  It was gentle and he was listening, not just giving me a pat on the back and saying "Oh, it will be fine" that I tend to hear from some other people sometimes.  One of the things he said would be good for me to do, a little assignment for me, is he gave me the task of writing a short story, maybe even a novel.  My charge is to write a story about a girl or woman going to a strange land where they do things like put salad dressing on the side (weird) or measure their food (double-weird).  I then tell the story of this woman getting stronger and stronger as the tale develops, finally having her conquer her worries or feeling like a stranger in Skinnyville or whatever the name of the town is that she visits.  I thought that was an inventive and fun way for me to realize I am much stronger than I realize and then, in the end, things really will be okay.

I am grateful for the weight loss of three pounds I had this week, making my total now 182 pounds lost.  I am getting so close to my next mini-goal, which is to get to 209 pounds.  I'm currently at 235 pounds.  When I reach that number, I will literally be half the woman I was.  That's pretty surreal.  Then again, so is this place. 


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