Friday, September 28, 2012

Always tugging at my shirt

No matter how many people make positive comments towards me in my smaller body, I still am surprised by their reaction to my weight loss.  Given my very public job, where I interact with a lot of people every day, I'm still pretty surprised when someone reacts to seeing me with shock on their face.  It happened to me again today.  I had someone do a double-take when they saw me and asked if it was me.  I haven't seen this person since probably April or May, but to not recognize me at all?  That seemed a little over the top.  Yet, this happens every single day, without fail.  I'm not saying I'm annoyed by it or anything even remotely close to that.  I guess the problem for me is that I don't see myself in the same way as other people do.  I completely get that I look different, but my vision must need some sort of major correction because I still see the old me when I look in the mirror.  It isn't until I'm in a space that used to be tight around me, like a chair or a belt, that I get what the big deal is.  Sometimes I'll put on some old clothes that barely fit me before and they fall right off my body.

The honest truth is that I'm uncomfortable being so much smaller than I was before.  I have been really trying to be brave and wear clothes that actually fit me instead of being four sizes too big.  Yet, when I do, I'm constantly tugging at t-shirts that I think are too tight or wearing my belt loose around my jeans because I can't believe I'm really that small.  Have you started rolling your eyes in disbelief that I'm actually complaining about this yet? 

Really, I'm not complaining ... I'm just saying that the notion of losing weight and the emotions that come with that is so much easier in theory than in reality.  In theory, wouldn't we all want to be thinnner?  Of course we would!  It's a dream for so many people, including me.  In reality, though, the extra weight provides a layer of protection around me and I don't feel nearly as vulnerable as I do now.  It's amazing the amount of people that stare at my body right in front of me these days.  The flip side of that is that I have such a large circle of support surrounding me with people who love and respect me.  If I say I'm uncomfortable because something actually fits me, they completely understand what I'm talking about because they've been there or they can imagine some of the emotions I'm going through with all of this, especially having known me over the years. 

I am following in the footsteps of others that have walked before me, though.  Sheryl over at Bitch Cakes wrote such a terrific post about self-acceptance recently.  I think the acceptance is not just about where you're going, but where you are now.  That is such a significant part of the journey.  I'll keep working on wearing things that fit and working on acceptance that where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be.  I don't need to run at full speed to the finish line because really, really, there is no finish line.  When I have times where I feel pretty, I can embrace that and not try to shy away from it.  Don't misinterpret me, this is not about ego.  I think, for me, it's about letting go one hundred percent.


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