Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Want to find out what's eating you? Then put down the food.

Part of why I put off this journey with Optifast and losing the weight is that I just knew in my heart that it was going to be challenging with emotions that I could no longer stuff away with food.  When a person gets to be significantly overweight, not just 20 or 30 pounds, then there is something more to it than just enjoying the taste of food, I don't care what that person says.  I am not saying that I don't welcome this challenge because the truth is that I do.  I don't want to be that 417 pound person living to eat, hiding away from the things that hurt and putting on a smile, assuring everyone around me that I am one hundred percent happy all the time.

This last year to year and a half of my life has tested every sense of strength I thought I had, and even challenged me to see that I'm stronger than I imagined.  I have gone through a work-related injury that has been tough to deal with; a breakup with a boyfriend that broke my heart in a way that words can never begin to express; and, the discovery of cancer in my body, followed by procedures and surgery to remove it that left a scar more than half the size of my back.  I also continued to work full-time and go to school full-time during all of this. Was it emotionally draining?  Yes!  As an example, from the time I had the surgery in my hand (from the work injury) until about 1 month after that, I somehow managed to gain 30 pounds.  How does a person do that, in one month?  I was sick as a dog after the surgery, got sick from the operating room, with a horrid cold and bronchitis, but still.  Obviously I was going through stuff and not talking about it, but managing to eat a ton over it.  I'm embarassed to actually admit that, but I'm here for healing.

All of these things, not to mention Type 2 diabetes along with the everyday pain of living in such a large body, led me to taking care of myself by starting Optifast.  Which brings me back to the emotions part I was discussing in the beginning of this post.  Today I was scheduled to have 3 MRI's - one in each hand and one in my neck.  I went to the office where it was to be performed and got myself prepared.  I climbed on the table, laid in position, but they could not fit me through the tube.  Actually, they could, but the position I would need to be in for 20 minutes made it impossible because I was stuffed in the machine.  The scheduler who made the appointment knew my size, so I was pretty surprised he sent me to the closed machine (as opposed to the open one).  So they said they couldn't do the MRI's because I was too big.  Boy, that was a stinger.  Didn't he know that I'm working on it and how humiliating this moment was for me?  Seriously, can I just crawl into a ball now or what?  The technician was certainly kind enough and sensitive to my feelings, but he couldn't take away how it made me feel.  As I was driving home in my car, I started thinking about my ex-boyfriend, probably because of one of the songs on the radio reminded me of him and I was feeling very alone in the moment.  I started to cry and all I wanted to do was find food.  In that moment, I was really missing food.  I knew in my heart, though, that I wasn't missing the actual food - I was missing what food did for me, which was to numb me out and help me believe things would be better somehow if I lost myself in it.  What a lie!

So where does that leave me now?  First, I did not pick up any food and I'm very proud of myself for that.  I have been praying so much to God, especially since I started Optifast, to just give me strength.  Sometimes I pray for strength to get through the moment and sometimes it is because of the uncertainty I feel about being in a smaller body someday.  For someone who has always had weight issues and been obese for most of my life, being thin is an absolutely terrifying world that I just don't know how to manuver.  Prayer does help me tremendously.  I know feelings are going to come up and I have to find a better way of dealing with them.  No matter what, though, I am absolutely committed to not picking up.  I don't want to be this obese person any longer, I want health and sanity in my life when it comes to food.  This is part of why I have this blog in the first place - to get out what I need to so that I won't feel the need to pick up.  I just don't want to live in an existence anymore where food becomes more important than anything else.  For a long time, sad as it is to admit, that's exactly what had happened to me.  Just writing this post has helped tremendously.


Cedes said...

Oh love.... I didn't know about the MRI. I'm sorry... but am SO proud of you for maintaining. Your faith sustains you...

Now is Finally the Time said...

Thanks my dear friend. Couldn't tell you about the MRI, I was just so humiliated and was sure I'd cry if I said something in person ;-( But it's all good, healing, healing, healing!

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