Thursday, February 2, 2012

Body assessment

Today I had my body assessment, which is where my measurements were taken.  Very interesting visit.  It was one on one with a nurse.  I wasn't prepared for the emotion that would come out of me as I was telling her my story when she was preparing my paperwork.  She asked me if seeking this medically supervised weight-loss program was my idea or if it came from my doctor.  I explained to her that while my doctor supports this decision completely, this was all me.  I got emotional as I told her that you reach a point in your life when you are done and you are either going to completely just give up or you are going to fight for yourself and do whatever is laid out before you.  That's me ... there is still a lot of fight in me.  But the journey to get here has not been easy.  I was physically abused as a child at the hands of my mother, raped at 13 and just grew up in a situation that was rough and hard.  Last year, I had cancer.  Surviving that really changed a lot for me in my life.  Things that seemed so very important before meant not as much after cancer.  The things that we, as a society, deem life or death really are laughable in the face of cancer that if left untreated has a mortality rate of 100%.  As I was telling her my story, I realized I have been through so much and come out the other side that being heavy was not going to break me either.  Along the way in my life, I certainly have had times where I didn't feel strong enough to combat what was going on, but God shows me through my faith in Him that I, in fact, am very strong. That doesn't mean I don't feel things deeply or get scared.  What it does mean is that I am going to get through whatever comes my way because I trust in Him that I do not walk alone.  It makes me feel so special to know my name is written in God's palms.  What could I possibly fear with Him by my side? 

So I started looking at the materials I was sent home with.  One book, called Maximize Your Body Potential:  Lifetime Skills for Successful Weight Management is all about not just the physical side of losing the weight and keeping it off but the reasons we eat in the first place and tackling that so that the weight doesn't come back on.  The other book I have is a workbook that takes us week by week through the process with a group of other people who will be doing this with me.  I will be starting the group this Monday, having my final medical clearance done on Tuesday and then starting the shakes the following Monday.  So my first assignment is to write down all of my food for the next 7 days using a food journal they gave me.  As I skim through the workbook, I am so excited in looking at the things we will be tackling.  The things that made me eat in the first place will be front and center in this journey, but there will be some really positive things that we'll be doing, too, like adding joy into my life, living the best life I can here and now and so much more.  Right now, I am in the right emotional space to be starting this part of my journey, even though I'm also scared, too.  "Scared" may not even be the right word for it.  I will be dealing with things that I have been reluctant to talk about like how I can live in this world and have a relationship with my mother that beat me for so many years as a child or how I died inside when I was raped at such a young age or how having cancer showed me how much I really do want to live.  That's not to say I ever had thoughts of ending things, but I suppose if I continue to live in an extremely obese body, things will end sooner than they should anyway.

I have so much I want to say and share.  And I know I will do that in time, but all I can say about the present moment is that I am all in and committed to being a healthier person - physically and emotionally.


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