Saturday, February 25, 2012

Bothered

I saw a friend today, one of my dear friends that I have known for a good 20+ years.  She hasn't seen me since I started Optifast, but I did text her after my last weigh-in.  So, she was up to speed on how I was doing.  The first thing she said to me when she saw me today was, "How bad are you starving?"  She thought she was being funny, but it rubbed me the wrong way.  I love her to death, but why did she need to be negative?  I'm not hungry any more, otherwise it would have really bothered me.  Then I caught her eyeing my body up and down, as if to look for the weight that has left me.  That bugged me, too, because she didn't make a comment except to ask me if I notice any changes, which was code for me that she didn't notice anything so I needed to convince her.  I know, I know, I'm reading way too much into every freaking thing.  It's true and I admit it.  When you don't eat any food, your emotions are right on the edge (at least mine are).  As a result, I don't have a buffer right now.  I think the thing that bothered me about my friend's reaction - or non-reaction to be more accurate - is that I cheated.  Not by eating food, but by getting on a scale.  They told us only to weigh when we are at the clinic, so I felt like I was having an affair with this "other" scale.  It said 380, which means I have lost 37 pounds since February 7th, about two and a half weeks ago.  So, in my mind, my friend should have clearly been able to see a difference in my body.  Even I, who is always so critical of my body, could see a difference in my face when I look in the mirror. 

The dilemma that I need to talk to my Optifast counselor about is how I will be able to take communion next weekend.  I am following the program to the letter because I want this to work.  The Optifast program I go to through Kaiser is very successful, having ushered something like 25,000 people through the program since it's inception in the local San Diego area alone.  So if they tell me to do something, I want to honor that.  If I talk to my counselor and he says I can't take communion while on the program, do I defy his instructions in just this one instance (actually, it would be one instance every month), or do I really not take communion?  As a Christian, it's an important practice for me.  However, I also have to remember that it is symbolic and perhaps what matters most is what is in my heart.  I can see not taking communion because it could set me up for wanting to eat outside food or have sugar (since the grape juice that stands in for wine is pretty sweet).  I really need to pray about this one to see what it is I need to do, but first I need to talk with my counselor about it.  I'll be going to group Monday night, which is my official weigh-in night.  No more sneaking off on secret scales.  Bad girl.

4 comments:

Ally said...

Hi Kathy!

Perhaps your friend is a little jealous? I'm sure in time it'll pass - once she sees how happy and healthy you are.

You are doing SO great - don't let anyone else make you feel bad. Just stay true to you. :) If you can see and feel a difference, then it shouldn't matter what others think...

Now on to the communion part - I'm a Christian too. I personally don't see how it could be bad to have communion once a month. As long as one doesn't think it's ok to start doing other things "just once" and they start a series of new bad habits - then it shouldn't be a problem, right? :) But yes - check with your counsellor first.

Now is Finally the Time said...

My counselor did give me the go-ahead for communion, so I'm happy about that. I'm absolutely committed to this, so I didn't want to be sneaky or feel like I was "cheating" somehow.

Monica said...

Hi! I just stumbled on your blog tonight. I am going in for my medical clearance for Optifast on Wednesday (also in the San Diego Kaiser program) and am reading your blog through from the beginning. The communion thing is a great question that did not even occur to me! We do communion every Sunday at my church, so it's definitely something I'll have to bring up!

Congrats on all your hard work so far! I'm trying to read your blog in order so I don't get any spoilers =)

Kathy said...

Hi Monica,

Glad you stumbled onto my blog! Congrats to you on moving forward in your journey towards Optifast. It was a very scary but exciting time in the beginning (and it's still an exciting time now). The Positive Choice clinic in San Diego is so fantastic. They are super supportive and greet me with big smiles every single time I am there.

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