I went to a store that I knew had lots of bathing suits that would fit me. I grabbed about ten different ones and went into the dressing room. I decided to take pictures of myself with each one on with my cell phone so that I could objectively select the best one for me. I hated the fit of each and every one. I even grabbed bathing suits that were a few sizes too big to see if that would help, which, of course, it didn't. They were either body-hugging and made me uncomfortable or the excess skin was prominently displayed and it made me incredibly uncomfortable.
In all this time that I have been losing weight, I have not been as negative about my body as I was when I was in the dressing room trying on those bathing suits today. I finally had to get out of there. As I was leaving the store, a woman crossed my path, but not before she looked at my body up and down. I swear, I could have decked her for taking a look at my body and blatantly staring at me. But whatever, I wasn't caring about her in that moment.
I got in my car and caught what I was doing. I was completely feeding into the negativity. I sat there for a minute and said to myself, Whoa, stop it right now! Okay, so things aren't where I want them to be today, but like hell was I going to let myself play into the stupid mind-game that I was entering. There is an amazing work that is being done within me right now and I am not going to discount that by horrid self-talk. So, I began to refocus. I quickly did a little gratitude list in my head of where I am right now from a physical standpoint, since that was what I was focusing on. It included things such as:
- I have lost 143 pounds in five months, which is no small feat.
- When I first started Optifast, I was wearing clothes that were size 34 or 4x. Today I wear an 18/20 or 1x.
- I am no longer a diabetic who has to inject insulin or take oral medication.
- I can fit behind the wheel of my car without a seat belt extension when before my tummy always touched the steering wheel and I had to have that extension.
- I no longer sweat, except when I'm exercising. In fact, most of the time I am cold.
- My skin glows because of all the water I'm drinking.
- I have an incredible amount of energy.
2 comments:
What IS it about those bathing suits? The fact we are so exposed? I am thinking about this, and I believe those damn suits expose us physically AND emotionally, as you allude to in your post. And that's horribly uncomfortable. What I try to do is the exact thing you are doing: think about how far I have come. That really helps. Then I go a step further: Darn it, I say, I LIKE swimming; I deserve to be having fun; I am not going to let my insecurity get the best of me! I muster up the courage and go for it. It's working. Oh, one more thing: I wear those suits with a skirt on them. Drapes those thighs. Maybe that might work? Never forget: you're beautiful!
You are so right Melissa, I refuse to stay out of the water because of whatever is going on in my head. I actually am in a much better space today about this. Everybody has anxiety about getting into a bathing suit, even those that we think about perfect bodies.
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