Monday, June 25, 2012

Weekly weigh-in and acceptance

I lost 5 pounds this week, which I'm happy about.  I've been building lots of muscle with all the exercise I am doing, which has been great.  My body really is changing right before my eyes.  For example, I have actual hips.  Sounds weird to people who have not been significantly overweight, but I can see my hips now when before they were not visible. 

One of the things that I am having a rough time with, though, is excess skin.  I know that, intellectually, there will be excess skin when you lose so much weight.  But, emotionally, it's tough because I guess I had the fantasy in my mind that when I lost the weight, the skin would magically tighten up.  Nope!  I know that I'll likely have skin removal surgery in the future when I'm at goal weight or closer.  In the meantime, I need to deal with my feelings about it.  Right now I'm trying to find bathing suits for this summer and it's been a supremely frustrating experience.  It's not that I can't find any that fit, it's that I don't like them on me because of the skin issue.  I've been so critical of myself when I look in the mirror, kind of beating myself up for gaining the weight in the first place.  I also think about being in a relationship again in the future.  Would that man in my life understand the journey I've been on and not judge me or my body?  That's a really tough one for me to swallow.

The truth is, though, I just don't have the power to go back in time and fix the clock.  All I can do is move forward from here and do the best I can.  That starts with accepting that I am here right now, in the present moment, doing my absolute best to love myself.  Afterall, God does not make junk and He does not make mistakes.  Acceptance is easier said than done, that's for sure, but it is also key to having continued weight loss success in the future. 

I am reminded of the beautiful and extemely wise Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

That's not just a route saying ... that really is something to live by.  Who knows why things happen the way they do.  I don't have to blindly accept everything in life without questioning anything, but there are certain things that we just can't do anything about.  I can't do anything about the fact that I gained weight.  Yet, I can do something about letting it go.  Whatever the results are (excess skin vs. tight skin), that's not for me to say.  I am given the courage every day to change the things I can, and now I pray that I continue to embrace acceptance as well.


Melissa said...

Ah yes, the dreaded swimsuit season...I must admit, I have not donned a suit yet. I too have saggy skin. Indeed, I have always felt awkward letting people see me in a bathing suit, whether I looked "presentable" or not. But one night recently I thought to myself: "Melissa, you love to swim! Why can't you enjoy that activity? Why are you so afraid?" So I decided this weekend (it's going to be in the high 90s) I am going to do it. I don't care what other people think. I am going to have fun! Don't worry about yourself in that suit. You are beautiful. Don't forget that!

Kathy said...

Melissa, thank you for the encouragement. I needed that! I was getting so wrapped up in my head that I was forgetting what was important. It is going to be so hot and one of the places I'm going this summer will be very hot where the only place I can be if I'm outside is in water.

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