Monday, June 11, 2012

Despite what I think, changes have happened

Despite what I may think, I am not the same person that started this journey back in February.  The core of my character is still there, but my body is significantly changed and the hopes and dreams that I have had hidden deep inside are starting to come to fruition in small but very significant ways.  The truth of the matter is that I haven't just lost 10 or 20 pounds.  My weight loss is significant and I am the last one to admit that.  I guess part of the reason for that is that I can't see it as easily as other people.  Case in point:  I went to out to breakfast with my friend after church yesterday.  When I say breakfast, I mean she had breakfast and I brought my chicken soup with me.  We went to IHOP.  Normally, we would get a table so that she could sit in the booth and I could sit in one of the chairs because of not fitting well inside a booth.  So when we went yesterday, she asked me if we should still get a table and I said yes, definitely.  It was yes because I still think I can't fit in the booth.  As we were walking by them, I looked and realized, "Um, Kathy, you sooo can fit in the booth now."  Even when I was getting dressed yesterday for church, I selected these cute little capri pants that I have and didn't put my belt on.  The belt is too big for me now anyway, I rationalized, and I really was convinced I wouldn't need it.  Well, on the way into the building, my pants started falling down and I had to hold them up by a belt loop to save from flashing everyone.  The pants are way too big on me now, but in my head they feel like they are not. 

When I think about hopes and dreams for myself, I not only think about maybe being in a normal body size someday but also about allowing myself to have hopes and dreams in the first place.  They are about being happy and not a slave to a body that dictates my life.  They are about being normal and living normally.  When I say the word "normal", I mean in the sense that I am not treated differently because I'm obese, about blending into a crowd instead of being the fat girl, about feeling pretty and not this grotesque monster that I always envisioned myself to be.  They are about having the courage to do the things that I would have never done before, like going for my master's degree to become a school counselor, like putting myself out there to new people without the overriding fear of being rejected and definitely about letting go of the hurts of the past, whether the recent past or long ago.  I was incredibly hurt by a man that was going to marry me in October and it keeps this wall up between me and other potential relationships because I fear some guy will do the same thing to me again.  I have a wall up in relationships with friends because of fear they will hurt me like I have been hurt by other friends in the past.  I have a wall up with family members because of the years of physical and emotional abuse my mother put me through.  My hopes and dreams include knocking down those walls and letting trust and love come in.  It is so hard when I have been hurt so greatly to try to let it go and march onward.  Yet, this process of weight loss is bigger than physical changes ... it is allowing me to be who I am supposed to be.  In many ways, I feel like I'm coming out of my cocoon into a beautiful butterfly who is fluttering around with a lovely smile, sharing her gorgeous colors with others. 

In so many ways, this is the greatest time in my life.  I feel like I am glowing with these very bright embers all around me.  It's a feeling that is so hard to describe, but I think perhaps you get it.  God has got my name etched in the palm of His hand and is not only blessing my life but somehow allowing me to positively affect other people as well.  I pray that I continue to be open to receive His strength and love.


Post a Comment