Practice staying in the moment

I'm feeling sort of restless today.  I sometimes get like that when something is either bothering me or I just can't put my finger on it.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that I have not been in the moment, appreciating today for where I am.  Instead, my head is either in the past or in the future.  Especially right now, it's in the future. 

I have been thinking a lot about the transition phase of getting off Optifast product and onto food again.  I'm months away from doing that, probably not until October or November, but it's been in my head a lot.  Last night I pulled open my Optifast binder and went to the section that describes how we phase food back in.  It's a very sensible plan that I found fascinating.  Part of that process scares me because I've been without real food for so long, but the other part of me is excited to be able to sort of start back with a clean slate having not had any bad food in my body for months.  I was reflecting back on my week between my first Optifast group meeting and the second week, where we didn't start on product yet but we knew it was coming up.  Many people have referred to it as their Last Supper.  I tried to have a big, gigantic last supper, thinking this was my last chance at "good" food for a very long time.  What was my poison?  Kentucky Fried Chicken, with all the fixings.  I bought a family meal with a bucket, side dishes and the chocolate cake (even though I'm not really a fan of chocolate).  I intended to work on that thing until it was all gone before going on the product.  I gave myself several days to do it.  Instead, I got sick to my stomach with all that grease getting caught in my throat in the middle of the night and just regretted that stupid decision.  I ended up throwing it out and lost 6 pounds during that week, probably out of pure disgust!  When I go on my walks, I pass by the KFC near my house and instead of being turned on by the smell of that fried chicken, it makes me turn up my nose.  Yuck.

In trying to think healthier, I've been collecting recipes for low-fat or low-calorie cooking.  I enjoyed cooking and want to do things from a cleaner place.  That's all well and good, but why am I going around collecting recipes now?  It seems like that's a torture device.  Even worse, I've been watching a lot of the Food Network and the Cooking Channel.  Any time they are preparing food, I'm fascinated.  I'm not wanting the food, but I'm watching the preparation.  Today I was watching a Foodography segment on how cakes and cookies are related.  I don't want cakes or cookies, but there I was watching it, commenting to myself on how interesting this or that was.  Or on the Food Network, they have been showing a lot of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives with Guy Fieri.  That totally is an indulgent show.  You got oil or butter?  Then it's highlighted there!  Again, I honestly can say I am not craving the food, but I am cracking up on how much crap people put into food when there are other ways of cooking and just the looks of pure pleasure they get when they take a big bite.  Yet, I'm not sitting in judgement because I was one of those people that put bad stuff into my food all the freaking time ... the more the merrier. 

I've also been thinking about my upcoming trips.  I'm excited about going on them, very excited, but they're not here yet.  I leave for one a week from this coming Tuesday and then for the other not until July 20th.  I need to refocus and be here in the moment.  One of the things I am working on this summer at home is boxing up my old clothes that don't fit any longer because they're too big and donating them to charity.  As fun as that idea sounds, there's actually an emotional component I didn't even consider when I started doing it.  You would think I would be absolutely thrilled to let go of them.  Don't get me wrong ... I am very happy they no longer fit me.  Talk about swimming in clothes, they are totally ridiculous on me.  The only things I plan on keeping are my original outfit from the body assessment because I need to remind myself in a very visual way where I've come from.  Perhaps someday soon I'll take a picture of me in that outfit and post it just so other people can see what I'm talking about.  I feel like a little girl in a big girl's pants when I try them on. 

Emotionally, though, letting go of those clothes is like letting go of a piece of me.  Being a larger person is safe in so many ways.  You protect yourself from others possibly hurting you and paying attention to you.  If you've been hurt a lot in your life, it's a protective layer you put around yourself that somehow makes you feel safer.  The negative side to that, beyond the physical difficulties that arise, is that you also layer yourself off from other people and their love for you, whether that is in a romantic relationship, friendships or with your family.  So if I'm focusing on other things instead of putting those clothes in boxes, sealing them and calling the Salvation Army to pick them up, then I can stay in a space that is comfy with very minimal risk.  Ugh, I just heard myself ... time to do it.    It will make me feel fantastic to see the clothes that are way too big on me that used to be way too small on me and to let them go.  It symbolizes so much to me, about letting go of the past and past hurts.  I am so much happier these days than I was when I first started Optifast and I know taking this most loving action will even bring me more joy.  Okay people, this is exactly why I blog!  I have my AHA moments when I start typing all the time.