Friday, June 8, 2012

Perspective of other people

I find it so interesting hearing the view other people have of me in comparison to how I view myself internally.  When I look in the mirror, I see two different versions of myself:  one is the person who has lost the equivalent of small little teenager, who smiles a lot more, who feels a lot younger and more energized.  Then there's other times when I look in the mirror and I can't see the weight I've lost at all and I can only see the weight I have left to lose.  I get critical of the fat still there.  I totally hate that Kathy because she picks on every flaw.

Today at work, we had our end of the year staff meeting before we all head off to summer break since we are educators in a high school.  Some of us had to report out to the group on specific topics and I was one of them.  Since we're not always in the same room, it was the first time since probably the beginning of the year that I was seeing some of the teachers and other staff members.  I wondered to myself if they could see the weight loss like other people can that see me more routinely in the office.  This was all going on in my head while I was speaking.  Vanity run amok!!  Afterwards, I had several people tell me that I looked incredible and amazing.  I had some co-workers tell me what other people told them, which is that not only do I look fabulous, but younger too.  I'm not saying all of this to tout how wonderful I think I am.  I'm actually saying it because of the opposite - there's a part of me that doesn't believe any of this is happening to me, as if it's a dream I'm going to wake up from any moment.

That truth is, though, this is not a dream.  This is reality. Part of that reality is dealing with the emotional issues that come with losing lots of weight.  I had recently posted a side by side picture on Facebook, both on my personal page and on the Optifast page, of my work/school picture from August and the one I had taken a few weeks ago.  The difference is absolutely striking not only to other people, but to me as well.  Not to repeat for those that already saw it, but I wanted to post it here so that it's clear to see where my emotions are coming from. 

When I look at that picture of me in pink, I see sadness.  I'm smiling because that's what you're supposed to do when someone takes your picture but it was just a facade.  My skin is dead and I am just so heavy that breathing is a chore.  When I compare it to the most recent picture, I actually feel very pretty and that's not something I would ever say, let alone own.  There is a glow in my skin, a true happiness that no Twinkie, potato chip, scoop of ice cream or any other food could ever give me. 

How did I live in that unhappy state for so long?  How could I not care anymore?  How did I ever get up to 417 pounds?  My God above, how did that ever happen without me screaming??  It makes me want to cry for that poor girl.  This is not to say I'm at the end of my journey, but I can honestly say I want this more than I have ever wanted anything before up to this point, even more than wanting to be cancer-free during the time I had melanoma last summer.  I want so much to be a part of the living and not a part of the dying.  Let's face it, when a person is 417 pounds, they are dying.  I pray that I always remember these feelings I'm going through right now because I need to appreciate how far I've truly come to get here.


Melissa said...

Pinch yourself beautiful, because you are! I look in the mirror too and see all the flaws -- the weight left to lose -- but then I remember how beautiful my skin is (from all of the water) and how good I feel...what a blessing. Remember that often we have to reach a "bottom" before we move into action. You're doing it and getting stronger every day! So proud of you.

Truth Teller said...

You are glowing in that second picture. Tell that other Kathy, the critical one, to take a hike! Continued success to you!!

Kathy Bloomfield said...

Thank you both, you're so sweet! Every day I tell that other chick to hit the bricks. She has no place in my life any more.

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