Not pretty but pretty honest

I just realized as I got on my laptop that the last time I posted was four days ago.  Sorry I have been incommunicado.  I had a killer mid-term last night so all my energy had to go to that.  Graduation is in two months for me, so I definitely need to at least pass the classes.  I had been procrastinating on the readings and just not devoting enough time to studying.  Bad Kathy.

This week has been a whirlwind of heavy emotions.  Although I can't go into specifics, this past week at work has been beyond difficult in dealing with the feelings that came up surrounding a near tragedy.  All I can say is that I work with an amazing group of people that make me feel blessed to be there.  We all care about kids so much and I honestly couldn't imagine being in any other line of work.  Speaking of which, I have the entire next week off because of Spring Break.  Well, I have work off but I still have school.  Ain't complaining though!

The other emotions that I have been dealing with is all about me.  I have been really hard on myself, especially in this last week, about how I have been doing since getting off Optifast.  As most of you know who have been following my journey for some time, I was (and still am) having some medical issues.  Some happened while I was on Optifast and stopped as soon as I was done with the products.  I didn't talk in too much detail about the issues I was having while I was on products because, for one, who wants to know the TMI type of details and, two, I was losing a hell of a lot of weight.  190 pounds in something like nine months.  Frankly, if I wasn't having all those medical issues, I would have stayed on the program all the way until I hit goal weight.  God had other plans for me, though.

So what happened instead?  I gained weight.  Most of it had to do with being put on medication that had a lovely side effect of weight gain.  Yeah, I know, great side effect for someone that was trying to lose weight.  That's just swell!  Then, I didn't help anything by not dealing with things very well.  It wasn't just all the medical stuff I was dealing with.  Yes, the physical pain I am in everyday is very difficult to deal with.  Between the unexplained chronic pain in my legs, the back pain, the carpel tunnel and tendinitis in my hands ... well, it's just a lot of pain.  Imagine trying to put exercise on top of that.  It actually makes me feel better, but it never takes the pain away, just takes the edge off, and sometimes it's very difficult during.  In fact, it makes me sweat more because I am doing everything I can to just breathe through it.  Then I add in things like going to school at night while working full time in a stressful (albeit great) job, dealing with a worker's comp system that is essentially calling me a liar at every turn and it's all just too much.  I have not been handling frustrations very well and, as I put on weight because of the medication, I put it on for other reasons, too.  That's not to say I'm not losing.  I actually am and I'm grateful for that.  But it's a very different experience than Optifast.

I didn't talk much about this at the time, but about a month ago, I went and saw a therapist.  I just had been feeling so blue.  Actually, therapy should have been a part of my life prior to this, but it's difficult.  I have been in therapy before, didn't have a good experience and so I didn't go back.  Regardless of the coulda/shoulda/woulda's, I made the decision with the help of a very dear friend to revisit it.  I have insurance so I decided to start down that road first.  I only have $10 co-pays every time I go for an unlimited amount of visits, so why not.  At the time, I wasn't ready to share it here, but I realize I need to, at least for me.

You see, weight loss is not easy (I know, news flash!).  Anyone who says it is does not truly have a weight problem.  It's not just mind over matter.  Sorry, it just isn't.  I was 420 pounds at my highest recorded weight.  There is more there than the love of food.  When I was doing Optifast, the majority of people I have met have had less than 100 pounds to lose.  So, when they got off of the products and then could go about with their lives as if nothing happened, they had a different experience.  For me, the food has been tied in with emotions.  I have always been an emotional eater.  So when I started gaining weight after getting off of the products, I felt like a huge failure.  It's not like you can hide the problem behind closed doors - you wear your weight.  As more weight was coming on, the more I hurt inside.  And I have been all but shunned from people who supported me during that time.  Relationships have definitely changed with some, although strengthened with others.  I can't describe the sacrifices I went through, the time I spent in exercise just to lose the weight.  It did not happen just because I had five shakes a day.  Nope.  It was blood, sweat and tears.  In comparison, though, it was easy compared to this.  

Then, all of a sudden, my clothes started getting tighter.  In my night classes, the desks are tight.  My Wednesday night class has a desk that feels like it's digging into my body and I have red marks on my body after getting out of the desk.  Last night, as I was taking my mid-term, I was sitting in a classroom that I was in last semester.  During that semester, I was able to cross my legs under the desk and fit very comfortably with room to spare.  As I was trying to write two hours worth of essays on Socrates, Marcuse and other philosophers' take on the value of art in society, all I could think about was my legs crossed under a desk then and my tummy now.  I feel shame.  And that's why I went to see a therapist.  Tied in with feeling blue, my feelings about myself after the weight gain, lack of sleep and Lord knows what else, I do not want to be another statistic.  I don't want to be a Negative Nancy on here, either.  Honestly, it's not my intention to do that.  But, we all have good days and bad days. 

So, when I went to see the therapist, it was just a screening appointment to talk about what's going on and then to set forth a plan of action to move forward.  As I was filling out the patient questionnaire, I could feel the tears in my eyes as I realized that I needed to be there.  Why?  Because the questions spoke right to me.  Not all of them, but some of them were right on the mark.  By the time I made it into the therapist's lovely little office, I was in tears in about three minutes.  I realized that all of my feelings, the deepest part of my soul and heart, were being kept inside.  Of course I do talk about things here, but most of us feel things more when we're in front of another person looking into their eyes than in front of our laptops.  I obviously needed to be there and I obviously needed to talk about what was going on because the tears would not stop coming.  The thing that has broken my heart the most was the weight gain.  I was cursing Optifast but I was also counting it as a great blessing to me.  I know, confusing!  I cursed it because it felt like a band-aid with the shakes.  Sure, if I don't eat food and I drink just shakes, of course I'm going to lose weight.  But I felt like I didn't learn what I needed to to be successful in keeping it off.  Yet, at the same time, I was praising it because it gave me a really good jump start.  Although I have gained a lot of weight back, I have not gained as near as much as I think I have.  In my mind, I'm right back where I started but that's just not true.  I still fit behind the steering wheel of my car without the need for a seat belt extension. There is still lots of room to spare.  I am not wearing size 34 pants.  More than that, Optifast gave me a glimpse of what could be.  Even though I was not down to goal weight, I was able to buy clothes in any store and I was starting to feel like a human being.  When you weigh 300, 400 or more pounds, you just don't feel a part of the human race.  At least that's what it felt like for me.  Now I'm much more aware of bigger body parts that I just don't like.  So, anyway, back to the counseling session ....

The therapist asked me questions so I could talk more about certain facets.  Then she said to me, "Kathy, it appears to me that you're going through a major depression."  Now, I don't know if the word "major" was the actual word she used but it could of been some other adjective that closely resembles it.  It might have been "significant" or "serious".  She asked me how I felt about medication.  I was prepared for the possibility of having this conversation.  I told her that I am okay with it, provided it is necessary and it is not used as a crutch to solve a problem.  If I was to go down the road, I would want to do that in conjunction with individual counseling sessions.  I have been struggling with weight my entire life.  If you've looked at my photos link at the top of the page, you'll see a little girl with excess weight from early on.  We discussed some options and I will be seeing a doctor as well as a therapist.  As I walked out of there, I literally felt like the weight of the world had been taken off my shoulders.  I told myself that if I was going to do this, I was really going to do this, leaving no stone unturned.  It does take a bit of waiting to get an appointment, but I finally get to see the doctor on Monday and the therapist on Friday.  I don't feel like I'm ready and, at the same time, I am beyond ready.  There have been some major issues in my life that have contributed to the weight and those very issues helped keep me there for a very long time.

When I originally started this blog, it was about transparency to myself.  I didn't imagine many people would find my little blog, let alone be interested in my journey.  Yet, I do know that I have a story to tell and I am finding the courage to somehow put myself out there.  My story isn't one about getting on Optifast, losing all my weight and then going on with my merry little life.  That's a storybook ending.  Instead, I'm a real person battling through a real fight.  If you know anything about me, you at least know I am a scrappy little fighter, Kick Ass Kathy some have called me.  Geez, after four days of not blogging, now I'm chatty Kathy ;-)

Getting through the urge to start snacking

I'm happy to report that my blood sugar levels have been normal for several days now.  Hooray!  I'm feeling less and less fearful of a low number displayed on my meter when I test my fingers now.  My food has been really great for the most part, except at night.  I have been religiously tracking my food in my Lose It app, making sure I'm getting the right amount of carbs and other servings that my dietitian gave me as guidelines. All my meals are fantastic during the day ... very healthy, very filling, very satisfying.  But, when I get home from work or school at night and I'm left alone with just me, I have found myself making trips into the kitchen sort of hunting for food to nosh on and just not even realizing what I'm doing.  I know this is purely emotional eating because I am getting plenty of good stuff into my body before then and I'm drinking a lot of fluids as well.  These days lately, the last several months really, have been very emotional for me.  Dealing with all of the medical stuff that I have had to walk through has been tough emotionally, coupled with actual physical pain.  Sometimes I have gone to food to take my mind off of it or to somehow make my way through the frustration I have been feeling. 

Being off of the products after doing so many successful months of Optifast has been hard as well.  I kicked ass while I was on the shakes and now it feels like it's taking everything in me to hold it together because the craving for food is so intense most nights.  I've gained so much of the weight back.  Not all of it, thank you God, but a good amount.  It hasn't been all me making bad choices - there have been side effects to medication making me gain a lot of weight, too.  Regardless, there is gained weight.  I know it on the scale, I can see it in how my clothes fit, and I feel it from the way other people look at me.  The last one is the hardest one for me I think.  When I was at my smallest and getting down to it, I was getting comments from people left and right, every single day.  "Wow, you look amazing!"  "Oh my gosh, how much have you lost?"  People greeted me with smiles all day long.  When they looked at my body, it was in astonishment of the transformation that has occurred.  And now?  Now I get no comments.  People do look at my body but in that, "I can't believe she's gained so much weight back" sort of way.  Some people who were so much in my corner before hardly talk to me now or it's a strained awkwardness.  It's been a real eye opener.  As much as I have been in my own private nightmare, I have been feeling whatever I've been feeling about it.  But then to have people give me the once over or hardly talk with me any more - well, it's a little rough.  Granted, this is not everyone in my life.  The people that love me now have always loved me and always will, no matter what.  Of course they want me to be happy and healthy, just like we would want for anyone.  It's those looks that people give me that I remember at night time when I am alone at home and I guess I don't know how to deal with the feelings it brings up in me.  I know it's not out of maliciousness, but I'm sure it's people feeling helpless as well.  Trust me when I say that I am doing my absolute best to be present in the moment, to be honest and to work through this tough time.  I'm also working hard at not beating myself up about all of this.  The Type A part of my brain tells me I've failed, but I know I'm not a failure ... just a human being trying to work through an intensely difficult and challenging part of her life.  I can't forget - I have been overweight and obese for almost all of my life.  Of course it is going to take some real work to leave that in the past and try to forge forward with a new life.

To that end, I decided that I would do a little research.  I wanted to search for tips from other people who were having the same struggles with nighttime eating after eating so well during the day.  I didn't want tips on how to eat healthier or to make sure I wasn't skipping meals ... that sort of stuff is not what I'm looking for.  What I am seeking is to find some ways other people with emotional eating issues have made it through the evenings and eventually changed those behaviors.  So I found a lot of great tips that I felt compelled to share here.  I know that my work is to dig at the core of what is going on and to tackle it head-on.  While I continue working on that, however, I want to make it through my evenings without feeling like I'm grazing out in the pasture.  Here are some suggestions I found.  Most are basic, common sense sorts of things, but I need the reminders:

• Drink some tea.  A great idea is to find assorted tea flavors and have a different one every night.  There are some pretty interesting tea flavors out there.
• Brush your teeth immediately after having your dinner.  It makes continued snacking less desirable if you're going to ruin clean teeth and, I'm guessing, will make certain foods less appealing.
• Pamper yourself by pampering your body:  soak your feet and massage them, put lotion all over, listen to relaxing music, give yourself a mani pedi.
• Exercise in the evenings and have your dinner after you've finished your workout.  It means you will need to eat a little bit later, but it may prevent additional snacking late into the night.
• Drink water to determine if your hunger feelings are truly hunger or if maybe it's emotional hunger.  You might even do something fun, like flavoring your water with lemon/lime or drink sparkling water.
• If you're bored at night, do things to keep your evening interesting like taking a class, taking up a new hobby, calling a friend.
• Make sure there are not foods in your house that are conducive to snacking.  If the food isn't in the house in the first place, it's a lot harder to eat it. 
• Stretch your body in a very leisurely way.  While you're watching TV, instead of sitting in a chair or on the couch, make a change.  Get up, sit on the floor and stretch your legs, your torso, your arms.  You'll feel great and your body will thank you for it.
• Grab a really good book to read.  Make it something light-hearted, a "feel good" read that is a page turner.  Your time will fly by.
• Clean your house.  Put things away in your living room, mop the floor in the kitchen, clean out your cupboards.  It'll keep you busy and moving.
• Chew sugar-free gum.
• Meditate for 10-15 minutes.  Maybe you do this with candles or music, or simply just being silent in a dark room.
• Take a really long shower or bath about an hour after dinner.  Wear something nice and form-fitting to bed, not just a big t-shirt.  It's too easy to overeat when you have clothes that are not constricting.
• Give yourself a facial and leave the scrub on for a good while, perhaps during the times when it's the most challenging.  Pretty hard to eat while you've got goop on your face.
• Instead of just reading your Bible, take out a notebook and handwrite verses.  Not only will it keep you busy, but it'll likely have more meaning when you are able to spend more time on it.
• Blog and write in your journal more.  This is what a forum such as this is for ... to not only to celebrate the triumphs but to work through difficulties, too.

I'm sure I've missed some suggestions, but this is a good starting point.  Tackling that craving urge in the evening has to be a top priority for me.  I don't want to gain all the weight back.  I worked too damn hard and spent way too much money to just throw that away.  Besides, I don't want to go back to how things used to be.  I was miserable before.  Even though I have a lot of medical stuff that's come up since I started working on getting healthier, it's still a much better place now compared to where I used to be and I can't ever forget that.  I am determined to work through all of this and come out even stronger than before. It's easy to feel great when you're losing the weight, but I'm here to put a face on those that have struggled as well.  To sum all of this up, I want to share something a friend had posted on his Facebook page the other day that was so encouraging to me:

God loves you too much to lead you into a mess.
He has a plan for you that far exceeds anything you may recognize.
Make a commitment not to quit, but to press on today and everyday!
You've got to go through this to get to the other side.
People are waiting for you to make it through 
so you can help them make it through.
NEVER GIVE UP!

A nice even keel

I'm so grateful to report that my day was perfectly even with my blood sugar.  It didn't start out that way ... I awoke in the middle of the night with low blood sugar and the typical symptoms I've been feeling.  Thankfully I had those Costco glucose tablets so I had four of those (you're supposed to have 2-4 if your blood sugar is low) followed by 15 grams of a slow releasing carbohydrate, which is what the doctor's office told me to do.  Once I went back to bed and woke up again, my blood sugar has been 76-83 all day long.  I did check it quite a bit today, but this will help me when I bring my information in to see my doctor on Tuesday.  I did have a hunger headache after work, so I have to watch whether or not I'm eating enough, but I know that I'll get better at that once I find a good balance with my blood sugar.  All of this isn't easy, but I'm thrilled for the victories I have every day.

I also had a cancer check-up with my dermatologist today.  It was a really great visit.  He did find one tiny area that he wants to keep an eye on in case it needs to be biopsied.  We did talk about my weight loss and journey towards being healthier.  He was extremely supportive and encouraging towards me, which I appreciated immensely.  In every direction I turn, I have an incredible amount of support.  Today I received it from him, from friends at work, online friends I've met since I started getting healthier and even parents of students I was working with at the high school.  I am just so blessed and I try never to take that for granted.  Tomorrow I have to do the nerve testing with the worker's comp medical evaluator, which I am not looking forward to.  However, I know that the pain will pass and it's being done to accurately diagnose all the pain I'm dealing with from my injury.  I just need to breathe through it.  The good part is that, later in the day, I get to see my acupuncturist.  That is such a relaxing and serene experience each time I go, so I'm definitely looking forward to that.

I love days that are nice and even.  No drama, just peaceful.  Ahhh!

Why did I choose Optifast to lose weight?

I was reflecting today on my weight loss and just how far I've come since February.  I've been at this for nine months now.  I don't know where I am exactly with the weight loss since I missed my official weigh-in on Monday, but I had lost a total of 190 pounds as of the week previous.  People at work today were commenting on how loose my pants were fitting.  Now size 16's are loose on me.  Can you imagine?  When I started, I was snugly zipping into size 34 pants.  Now I'm on the threshold of fitting into size 14's.  That's just mind-boggling to me.  Sure, for some people a size 16 would be absolutely huge.  For me?  It's the land of being able to buy clothes off the rack in a regular store, not Lane Bryant or The Avenue.  Don't get me wrong ... I was grateful that such stores existed, but I don't ever want to go there again once I get too small to fit in their products.

Some people will ask me why I chose to go the route of such a drastic method such as the medically supervised liquid program I chose in Optifast.  To be honest, it was not an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination.  I tried so many ways to lose weight, some were even successful for a period of time.  Then I reached the point of utter desperation with my weight.  Look at my pics of progress page and you'll see my before pictures.  I eventually got to a top weight of 420 pounds.  420 pounds!!  How on God's green earth does anyone get to that weight, let alone a woman?  It's almost as if I blinked one day and I had morphed into someone unrecognizable who was very unhappy.  The sad part of that is that I didn't even allow myself to recognize it at the time.

I finally hit my bottom and told myself that it honestly was either time I did something serious to lose the weight or I was going to die.  I felt that so strongly in my heart, not just me being melodramatic.  This felt like it called for more than just another go-around at Weight Watchers.  Don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers and think it's a terrific program.  But my problem was bigger that counting points, calories or the like.  I needed medical intervention.

I was very, very close to getting the gastric bypass surgery.  In the end, though, I just couldn't go through with the process.  I know I needed something serious like that, but I wasn't ready to have a surgery that had potential horrible side effects, let alone the possibility of dying from the surgery.  All the while, I knew Optifast was an available option for me through my insurance company, Kaiser.  In a moment of crystal clear clarity, where I could feel it down to my bones, I just knew in my heart that this was the right path for me.

I also knew that if I was going to be serious about my weight loss, I was going to do whatever they told me to do.  They have over 30 years of experience running this successful program that has helped not only over 25,000 patients in the San Diego area, but countless other Optifast patients across the nation and world.  So I told myself that I was all in.  And if I was going to do it, I wasn't going to do it half-assed.  I would see it through to completion.  This was not about losing the weight as fast as possible for me.  That never was the intention.  I chose this option because I know it works for those that are committed.  The weight comes off and stays off if you follow the plan.  It was about being healthy.  Sure, after losing 190 pounds and now being on the modified program that includes one lean meal a day, I could very easily say, See ya Optifast ... I'm out!!  After losing that much weight, I certainly have some tools in my arsenal to help me be successful in doing it on my own and every reason in the world not to doubt myself.  Yet, I am absolutely honest enough with myself to admit that I need this program.  I need the professional medical advice that comes with it, I need the group support that I have each week in class, I need the counselor to be my biggest supporter.  But more than all of that, I need to not feed into the thinking that got me here in the first place, namely that I have enough knowledge and determination to do it on my own.  I have lost 100 pounds before, and gained it all back with change.  Now I needed to go for behavior modification, have some accountability and just do things differently.

I'm admitting on here to all you lovely people that I'm not a perfect person.  Shocker, I know!!  I need the support and boy do I get a lot of it.  If it's not from the Kaiser group, blog readers and Optifast's Facebook page, then it's from the world of support in my family, friends, co-workers and the many people who give me a smile of encouragement every day.  Even the kids I work with at the high school are my biggest cheerleaders.

The end of my second 20-week group is on Monday and then I go into round three when an entire new group of people just starting the program will be joining us.  I am committed to seeing this through to the end because I need it.  I'm humble enough to admit that I need the help, and that's perfectly okay.  I have the rest of my life to live in maintenance - there's no reason for me to sprint to the finish line by stopping what I'm doing now.  Yes, it's expensive.  Yes, it takes a lot of my time.  But, literally, it has saved my life.  I have lost 190 pounds.  Good Lord, what other situation is that even within the realm of possibility, really?

Along the way, I have made a lot of new friends and discovered so many parts of myself that needed a second chance.  Sure, there's been physical pain along the way that I'm still dealing with, but there's been so much joy, too.  Even writing this blog all began because of Optifast.  I know that it has reached out to other people who are thinking of going on the same journey or who are looking at taking good care of themselves.  I know that because I receive e-mails from people I would have never met under different circumstances.  So many people root for me and pray for me, which touches me more than my words could ever express.  I even have readers that don't have weight issues, but they stumbled onto my blog and read about my story of triumph and that makes them coming back, which is beyond cool.  As I venture onto the next 20 weeks of the program, I do so with a very strong commitment.  I'm not looking to other methods because, helloooo 190 pounds gone.  I know I keep saying that and you're probably rolling your eyes at me, but I don't care.  This is a big freakin deal.

God, please don't let me EVER forget

Quite an emotional day for me.  I was checking in with a friend at work today, letting her know how it's been going adding a meal back into my plan.  Eerily, there is a peace about me when it comes to the food.  I had such great fear swell up inside when I was abruptly told to add a meal of actual food and not just the Optifast 70 shakes.  Yet, I've been walking through the fear.  As I was telling her about this, she pulled out her cell phone and told me she wanted to show me something as she was sitting at her desk and I was standing on the other side of it.

She handed me the phone and there I was in a pic taken on my birthday last year, December 4th.  I'm posting it below, along with a pic taken just last week of what I look like now for comparison sake.  Take a look.

 

I saw the pic on her cell phone and immediately my eyes welled with tears, and then her eyes welled with tears and, before you knew it, we were both gone.  She showed it to me so that I could be reminded where I came from.  Sadly, my weight would get higher than what you see in the top picture.  Lord help me, but I never, ever want to forget the pain of living in that body.  Not only physically, but emotionally as well.  Look at that picture, beyond the smile on my face ... I mean really look at me.  There was such misery and despair there. 

 

Eating regular food again has brought up so many emotions, but the most important one is that I'm really getting to see how strong a person I am.  I am handling the food just fine.  More than fine actually.  I'm weighing and measuring my amounts and feeling awesome about the choices I'm making.  I made the most delish salmon, steamed broccoli and salad for dinner tonight.  It was beautiful and tasted amazing.  Oh how I've missed the fish, especially salmon.  I put Mrs. Dash and salt substitute on it and it was probably the best tasting salmon I think I've ever had. 

 

I'm sitting here typing on my laptop in just utter amazement at the work God has done in me.  Some would say I did all the work, and they're perfectly entitled to their opinion on that.  My opinion is that God has carried me through this, given me amazing power every single step of the way, and I know He will continue to do so.  I have been given strength to move mountains and each day I come back asking for more.  There is so much hope and opportunity sitting in front of me.  That feels completely awesome.

Stepping out of the comfort zone

I have discovered that the best way to find out why I was overeating was to put down the food and the causes would become abundantly clear.  Now that I have done that, the reasons seem to attack at me from several different directions and it is my job to actually deal with them instead of constantly running.  Otherwise, I will inevitably run right back to food.  As a child, I felt very unsafe.  I was living with a mother who physically abused me for years and then I was sexually traumatized by someone I trusted.  That led to going to a very safe place ... food.  That was my drug of choice to numb the pain, express my anger, punish myself and keep people at a very comfortable distance from me.  I did not trust people and, as a consequence, I had an extremely difficult time forming intimate relationships.  I do not want these events in my life to be what defines me.  Yes, there is tragedy and heartbreak there but I have a fighting spirit.  While events of the past are in the past, they still can affect the present if they are not dealt with.  There are times, however, that I feel like a fish out of water as I attempt to find healing.  One such thing is the issue of confrontation.

For most of my life, I avoided confrontation.  I certainly did that with my mother because the few times that I was brave enough to tell her she was hurting me, she would only hurt me more.  If other kids were making fun of me for being large, I wouldn't confront them because they would only ridicule me more.  So I learned rather quickly that to avoid those feelings, I just simply would not confront anyone.  Confrontation is a part of life, though.  If someone is stealing from you, you must confront them to recover what belongs to you.  If someone is hurting your children, you definitely will be a bear and confront them.  And for me, if someone is treating me in a way less than I deserve, I must confront them as well.  Today I was given the challenge of confronting someone.  I must admit, in the moments leading up to having the discussion with this person, I was feeling the anxiety inside that normally would have been soothed by some ice cream, chips, cookies and other forms of toxicity that would convince me to just not say anything.  When that little voice started going on in my head before making the phone call I had to make today to deal with this other person, I had to tell myself, "Kathy, you have to deal with this.  Just stay calm and know you will be very proud of yourself for being as strong as you know you are." 

Okay, yes, I was talking to myself.  But you know what?  It made all the difference in the world.  I had the conversation I didn't want to have, yet it turned out much better than I could have imagined.  My voice was not shaky, I was not letting the other person off the hook and I did it with peace inside.  It helped me remember that as human beings, we are more than what we appear to be on the surface.  Have you ever been at the beach, swimming in the waves and been out so far that you could no longer touch the bottom?  Below us is a vast sea that is so grand in size and contains such depth that a glacier is much larger than it ever appears.  The Mariana Trench is over 36,000 feet below the surface (never realized my high school oceanography course would come in handy here!).  There is more depth to me than a person who ate too much in her life.  How do you cope with not only the trauma of certain events in your life, but the residual affects such as lack of trust of other people, even those with good intentions?  It was just easier to not deal with things, to go to the food and put on a smile, hoping and praying I could just shut the door to feelings.  That doesn't work.  Who knew that when I decided to embark on this journey of improving my health that the true healing would not come in just the physical transformation but something much deeper.

Practice staying in the moment

I'm feeling sort of restless today.  I sometimes get like that when something is either bothering me or I just can't put my finger on it.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that I have not been in the moment, appreciating today for where I am.  Instead, my head is either in the past or in the future.  Especially right now, it's in the future. 

I have been thinking a lot about the transition phase of getting off Optifast product and onto food again.  I'm months away from doing that, probably not until October or November, but it's been in my head a lot.  Last night I pulled open my Optifast binder and went to the section that describes how we phase food back in.  It's a very sensible plan that I found fascinating.  Part of that process scares me because I've been without real food for so long, but the other part of me is excited to be able to sort of start back with a clean slate having not had any bad food in my body for months.  I was reflecting back on my week between my first Optifast group meeting and the second week, where we didn't start on product yet but we knew it was coming up.  Many people have referred to it as their Last Supper.  I tried to have a big, gigantic last supper, thinking this was my last chance at "good" food for a very long time.  What was my poison?  Kentucky Fried Chicken, with all the fixings.  I bought a family meal with a bucket, side dishes and the chocolate cake (even though I'm not really a fan of chocolate).  I intended to work on that thing until it was all gone before going on the product.  I gave myself several days to do it.  Instead, I got sick to my stomach with all that grease getting caught in my throat in the middle of the night and just regretted that stupid decision.  I ended up throwing it out and lost 6 pounds during that week, probably out of pure disgust!  When I go on my walks, I pass by the KFC near my house and instead of being turned on by the smell of that fried chicken, it makes me turn up my nose.  Yuck.

In trying to think healthier, I've been collecting recipes for low-fat or low-calorie cooking.  I enjoyed cooking and want to do things from a cleaner place.  That's all well and good, but why am I going around collecting recipes now?  It seems like that's a torture device.  Even worse, I've been watching a lot of the Food Network and the Cooking Channel.  Any time they are preparing food, I'm fascinated.  I'm not wanting the food, but I'm watching the preparation.  Today I was watching a Foodography segment on how cakes and cookies are related.  I don't want cakes or cookies, but there I was watching it, commenting to myself on how interesting this or that was.  Or on the Food Network, they have been showing a lot of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives with Guy Fieri.  That totally is an indulgent show.  You got oil or butter?  Then it's highlighted there!  Again, I honestly can say I am not craving the food, but I am cracking up on how much crap people put into food when there are other ways of cooking and just the looks of pure pleasure they get when they take a big bite.  Yet, I'm not sitting in judgement because I was one of those people that put bad stuff into my food all the freaking time ... the more the merrier. 

I've also been thinking about my upcoming trips.  I'm excited about going on them, very excited, but they're not here yet.  I leave for one a week from this coming Tuesday and then for the other not until July 20th.  I need to refocus and be here in the moment.  One of the things I am working on this summer at home is boxing up my old clothes that don't fit any longer because they're too big and donating them to charity.  As fun as that idea sounds, there's actually an emotional component I didn't even consider when I started doing it.  You would think I would be absolutely thrilled to let go of them.  Don't get me wrong ... I am very happy they no longer fit me.  Talk about swimming in clothes, they are totally ridiculous on me.  The only things I plan on keeping are my original outfit from the body assessment because I need to remind myself in a very visual way where I've come from.  Perhaps someday soon I'll take a picture of me in that outfit and post it just so other people can see what I'm talking about.  I feel like a little girl in a big girl's pants when I try them on. 

Emotionally, though, letting go of those clothes is like letting go of a piece of me.  Being a larger person is safe in so many ways.  You protect yourself from others possibly hurting you and paying attention to you.  If you've been hurt a lot in your life, it's a protective layer you put around yourself that somehow makes you feel safer.  The negative side to that, beyond the physical difficulties that arise, is that you also layer yourself off from other people and their love for you, whether that is in a romantic relationship, friendships or with your family.  So if I'm focusing on other things instead of putting those clothes in boxes, sealing them and calling the Salvation Army to pick them up, then I can stay in a space that is comfy with very minimal risk.  Ugh, I just heard myself ... time to do it.    It will make me feel fantastic to see the clothes that are way too big on me that used to be way too small on me and to let them go.  It symbolizes so much to me, about letting go of the past and past hurts.  I am so much happier these days than I was when I first started Optifast and I know taking this most loving action will even bring me more joy.  Okay people, this is exactly why I blog!  I have my AHA moments when I start typing all the time.

Upcoming road trips

During July, I will be going on two fabulous road trips.  The first one is with one of my very good friends.  We'll be traveling from San Diego, where we live, up the California coast.  We'll be heading to Santa Barbara, San Simeon and Monterey.  Along the way, we will be staying in lovely hotels that we have decided to splurge at.  I would normally never spend the sort of money on a hotel room that we are during our trip, but, hey, I'm on vacay!  They offer killer views of the ocean, luxurious pools and even massages if we so desire.  When we booked them, we made sure they had fridges and gyms so that we can still take care of our needs.  For me, I will, of course, be on Optifast product and she is doing a special program as well.  So the fridges are for keeping our supplies on hand.  The gyms are to ensure we're keeping healthy.  I'm sure we'll be doing lots of walking on our excursions, but we want to not leave anything to chance.  The difficulty I am encountering is my feelings about being on the product while staying in places that offer great dining and wine tasting.  While I didn't get sad about it, I did tell her I will miss not eating while on our trip.  Don't worry ... I'm not thinking of going off product.  I am committed to my success in this program, as well as afterward.  I know that food will be in my future again and that I can keep the focus on great experiences and the company of my friend.  I was just being honest about how I was feeling.  She told me she understood.  While she is not on Optifast, she will have restrictions as well, so at least we can be there to look out for each other.

Towards the end of July, I will be traveling with my mother from San Diego to Vegas to visit my brother and sister-in-law.  My mother is Filipino and I learned how to make delicous Filipino food from her, like chicken adobo, lumpia, pancet, etc.  Whenever we visit my brother, he always begs my mom to make classic Filipino fare because his wife doesn't like making that kind of food and doesn't make it near as well as my family does (I think you might have to have Filipino DNA coursing in your body to make excellent lumpia).  Normally it is like a feeding frenzy at his house when my mom makes the food, with a bunch of his friends there and everyone absolutely gorging on the food.  My mom does not know moderation so she makes enough food to feed an army, or two.  To take care of myself, I think I am not going to join them the afternoon she makes all that food.  Instead, I'll go to the pool at our hotel, pictured to the left.  Looks scrumptious, doesn't it?  It's not as though I am trying to separate myself from all of them and not having time with my family, but I have got to protect my program as much as possible.  I am sure they will understand because they are super supportive of what I am doing.  The truth is that life still happens, whether or not we are on our fasts.  I am fully aware of that.  While I am feeling strong that I won't "cheat" on my program since I haven't done so already, I also don't need to test myself either.

Round two

Monday night was the end of my 20th week of weigh-ins and a new crop of people came into our group at the Kaiser clinic.  For those that will be continuing in the fasting phase, we stay in the class and new people join us who are just starting their journeys.  About 11 of us are continuing on from the first class, but it was so great to see the eagerness and excitement of the new people.  Our group now has 25 people in it, pretty big for us since the 11 of us were the ones who made it through to the end of the first group.  It was hard to see people dropping out since our group originally started with about 20, but it is what it is.  We are a tight 11, so supportive of each other, and I know we will also be that way with the new people.

Our counselor welcomed them and gave them some highlights of successful stories.  One of our 11, for example, has lost 172 pounds.  Pretty impressive, but she was quick to point out that she has done it over the course of several years with some weight gain in the middle.  Then, he turns to me and says, "Kathy, if you don't mind sharing, can you tell the group how much weight you've lost in the last 20 weeks?"  I just knew he was going to call me out!  He is always so thrilled to see me each week because my rate of loss is pretty astonishing (by his admission, not mine).  He's told me that in the 30 years that he has been a counselor at the clinic, no woman, and very few men, have lost as much weight faster than I have.  So, I addressed the group and told them that as of that night, I had lost 135.5 pounds in the last 20 weeks.  That was followed by a round of applause, coupled with oooh's and aaaah's.  People were asking me if it was all just Optifast or if I was doing something different, almost as if I had the secret to eternal life.  If only!  I described that, no, I just do the Optifast 70 program, but I do exercise a lot now, although that isn't a requirement of the program, just something I enjoy doing now.  When I think about it, it took me about 5 or 6 weeks before I started doing any exercise at all and now I'm up to at least 3 miles each and every day.

When you're starting new in program, they give you a binder full of information, assignments and other things you'll need along the way in the journey, as well as a book called Maximize Your Body Potential.  You are told you will need to bring these two items to class, so I saw all the new people had these things in their hands or under their seats.  I leaned over to one of the 11 and asked her if she had been reading the book or if she was doing the assignments.  She confessed that she hadn't even opened the book.  After a couple of weeks of the classes, we weren't bringing those items in any longer because our support group was not about the topics discussed in the pages but things the counselor would do with us.  I did start reading the book but I had put it down since we weren't going through it.  It sort of felt like homework to me and I figured that when the time came where we were supposed to start reading it, our counselor would let us know.  We both committed to each other that we would, at the very least, start reading the book.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that they gave me the book and the notebook with assignments or other reading for a reason.  Now that I am in the second round of this phase, I feel I am prepared to really start digging in.

Now that I'm in the book, I can't put it down!  There are sections in there about weight loss, but it is more about being successful in your weight management journey for life.  There is going to come a time when I will be re-introduced to food again and I have to make appropriate choices if I hope to be successful.  It also talks about a very important component that perhaps gets glossed over far too easily ... the emotional and psychological component of weight loss.  How do we deal with thinner bodies?  How do our families and friends deal with us in thinner bodies?  Losing weight is all about us, but it does not just affect us.  I took out a highlighter and really started marking some important components for me, such as:

• A major part of successful weight management is learning to identify and change underlying beliefs that don't serve you, to find new ways of understanding events, to replace negative self-talk with more adaptive thinking, and to cope more effectively with negative emotions.
• Weight reduction is a self-centered activity.  To be successful you must give it top priority.
• You  need to constantly bring your focus back to what you expect to get by losing weight and the costs you will pay for not losing weight.
• Involving others in your weight management efforts in a way that is nonthreatening to them is important if you are going to achieve and stay at your best weight.
• In order to speak up for your needs, you may need to challenge and change old ideas.

There were so many more fantastic gems, but really it is all about being successful in managing weight for the rest of my life.  My character trait/defect of being stubborn is going to come in handy here.  I refuse to become a statistic, one of those poor souls who loses a huge amount of weight only to gain it back.  I have already done that with 100 pounds before and I'm not willing to go through that again.  I am already in a place where I'm in a foreign land ... a smaller body, able to do things I couldn't do before, off of all of my diabetes medication and insulin, with so much more energy.  There is no way on God's green earth I am going to give that up, no freakin way!!  I have too many people who love and support me to let that happen.  And, really, I refuse to let that happen to myself.  Unless you've been where I have been - morbidly obese - you can't understand how painful a place that is.  There is obvious physical pain, yes, but I mean more the emotional hurt deep down inside.  It's a place so painful that I hardly could ever talk about it out loud to other people because then I would have to sit in those feelings and I know I would constantly have tears in my eyes.  Instead, I'd just put on a great smile and perhaps joke things away.  I have used humor far too many times to mask pain.  Dammit, I am worthy of so much more than being less than my authentic self.

I have also opened that notebook and taken a look at some of the writing assignments.  I will start working on those, too.  As much as opening the door to the past is very difficult to do, I must walk through that door to get to the other side.  Avoiding doing so got me to 417 pounds.  No more.  I am taking my life back and telling that horrid voice in my head that screams I'm not good enough to take a flying leap off the cliff.  So there!

Letting go

Even though I still have quite a journey ahead of me as I continue on Optifast, a lot of feelings and emotions have been coming up for me lately.  I'm doing my absolute best to not push them away, but to honor them as where I am in the present moment.  First of all, I am the smallest I have ever been in my life probably since the age of 13.  Actually, probably younger than that.  Who knows when you purposely stop looking in the mirror and try to ignore the increasing number on the tags of your clothes.  That's not to say I'm quite in the category of "small" but for me, yes, I am there.  And yet, I'm not stopping.  My body continues to get smaller as I continue on Optifast and exercising.  So, naturally, now feelings of why the weight came on in the first place are really flooding my consciousness and I am having to deal with feelings of myself and my self-worth.

I definitely am not a child any longer and have really lived a life with lots of experiences, so my image of myself today is nowhere as low as it used to be.  I wouldn't even say I think "low" of myself, but I also have challenges that I have to be honest about and work through if I ever hope of keeping the weight off in the future.  As I have shared on this blog before, I was abused and raped when I was a kid.  Those are not easy things to survive, but you live through them and just try to forget somehow.  I tried my best, but I always felt tainted somehow and even, I have to admit, like I deserved it.  I know, I know ... you're shaking your head at how ridiculous a statement that is.  No one deserves any of that, but I was convinced I did.

I would always look in the mirror and just hate myself.  I always thought of myself as ugly, from my earliest memories.  I was always tall and I never felt like I fit in, having had a Filipino mother and Caucasian father.  I mean, what group could I really identify with?  My look, while some people classified it as "exotic," to me was just plain ugly.  My last boyfriend always told me how beautiful he thought I was and I just never believed him, couldn't believe him, didn't want to believe him.  He had to work overtime to convince me that I was wonderful, worthy and lovely... things I would never believe.  I wanted to, but I just couldn't.  As I was judging myself, I ate to cover up the feelings and always put on a jovial smile for the world to see, not only when I was in the relationship with him but, really, for my entire life.  So when I was teased for being fat, I wasn't surprised and fed into that, resigned to the fact that I would feel that way forever.  I felt people were embarrassed to be seen with me and, hey, I didn't blame them one iota.  The sadness that I felt about myself inside was also showing on the outside.  If you look at some of my "before" pictures on my Pics of Progress page, you can see that sadness on my face, even when I was smiling and trying to cover it up.

So, now that the food has been put down and I'm losing a truckload of weight, here I am, back with those dreaded feelings.  But they're different now.  I have people calling me beautiful all the time, which is a different dynamic for me. I'm not saying that because of vanity, but really it is because I am not fighting with them, trying to convince them that they're wrong about me, that they must have me mixed up with some other person.  As I look in the mirror now, I don't look away or even avoid looking in the mirror in the first place.  I don't regard my reflection with hidden shame.  I am facing the image that stares back at me, realizing that I am exuding something altogether different these days.  I am not punishing myself for being abused and raped.  Those are horrible things to live through, but I did live through them.  I am here, alive, thank you God for getting me through.  Time to let go of the past.  I don't need to repeat patterns that were self-destructive for me and my well-being.

There is so much wonderful healing that has happened.  Maybe that beauty is shining through because I finally get the fact that love includes loving ourselves just as much as loving other people.  I can think of hardly any other more loving act towards myself than that of taking care of my health ... physically as well as emotionally and spiritually.  There is power that comes from self-care.  I am not abusing my body in self-destructive ways any longer.  In the process, I am finding joy and happiness.  Those are things I do not need to fear, as if they are going to be taken away from me at any moment.  If I am smiling, maybe, just maybe it is because that is what I am feeling inside.  I do not need to revert to old defense mechanisms, which were standard things I did when I was treated less than I should be.

Those that claim losing weight through Optifast is taking the easy way out frankly just don't have a clue.  When you don't have the food to give you a sense of ease and comfort, it's as if you are left out in the cold, feeling naked and incredibly vulnerable.  I would submit that, actually, a weight loss program involving food is actually the easier route.  This is damn hard!  Yet, I know in my situation, I had gotten to a place that nothing other than some sort of drastic program was going to help me get healthier.  As I continue in my work of letting go, I also get to embrace the beauty of life and all the possibilities that are laid out before me.  Gone are the days where I convince myself I am unworthy of anything good.  I deserve so much better than that, we all do. 

Heartbreak for her

A story has come out about a bus monitor in New York who was bullied by middle school children while she was working.  They relentlessly teased her about being overweight, "calling her fat and at one point suggesting that her children commit suicide."  When I heard about this story, my heart just broke for this woman.  Sometimes children just don't have a filter (as well as some clueless adults), but to treat another human being like that is not only disrespectful, but just downright deplorable.  I couldn't watch the actual video they took of the incident, but I knew from the clips I saw on the news that she was taking the teasing because she just didn't want to make it worse and probably wanted to have it end as soon as possible.  It brought back painful memories for me.

I have always been overweight, never had those "thin" years and I, too, was relentlessly teased at different points in my life.  Her bus ride brought back an incident that I had on a bus when I was in middle school.  For a solid week, a girl-bully would tease me on the bus ride to school.  She would get in the seat behind me and say just awful things to me about how fat she thought I was, how much of a loser I was, how she said I smelled and all kinds of other awful things to make me feel as big as an ant.  She got off on it and made sure other kids around me would hear her taunting.  Nobody stopped her and I was afraid to do so because she got in fights with people all the time.  Yet, every single day, she was on me.  Finally, that Friday, I calmly got up, turned around in my seat ... and punched her face with all the might I had in my arm.  Boom!  She hit the floor, was bleeding and in pure agony.  The force in my arm was not just for her, but for every other time I had been teased and made fun of, as if I wasn't worthy of being a human being and that it was okay to treat me like that.  Then, I turned around and sat back down, like nothing had ever happened.  I got in serious trouble, but I didn't even care.  The pain she caused me inside was like something I could never describe, but I think people reading this probably understand.

It pains me that people in society think it's okay to hurt someone because they are not the same size and shape as they are.  We all have things that bring us to becoming overweight and it's not a simple put-down-the-fork-and-push-away-from-the-table solution.  Oh, how I wish it was!  I ache for the woman in this story and the indignity she suffered at the hands of bullies, even if they were children.  This is another reminder that losing weight is not an easy feat.  There are emotional issues behind carrying extra weight and, often times, a lot of pain.  Yet, I know, I must work through that pain and any issues that come up so that I don't have to live in a body that keeps me in an unhealthy space any longer. 

The coolest thing!

When I was at Kaiser last night for my Optifast class, I did routine blood tests, which is required of my program every other week.  Since I am diabetic, one of the things they test is my hemoglobin A1C level.  This is the daily average of a person's blood sugar level over 2-3 months.  It is a more accurate analysis of how someone is maintaining control of their blood sugar than the daily meter because it takes all numbers into account since we can go high or low.  Kaiser wants diabetics to aim for a number of less than 7%.  I received results of the test this morning.  As you can see from my graph below, I am now under that number, 6.7 to be exact.  Looking at my history over the last three years, that's almost half of where I have been.  I could never begin to express how much this means to me.  This is something so tangible more than just the numbers on the scale.  It's an incredible gift that I have never experienced since I was first diagnosed with diabetes.  Thank you, God, for this.

Wearing clothes that actually fit

One of the surprising things that I have had to deal with in terms of weight loss is not about clothes that are too small, but clothes that are too big.  I don't fit in my old clothes any longer (news flash to me apparently).  They are way too big on my body and I need to accept that.  It sounds like something easy to deal with or even a non-issue, one would think, but my head has not quite wrapped itself around that truth.  I still keep trying to put on things that just don't fit me any longer and when I go out in them, I am constantly flashing undies, bra straps and grabbing my waistband before pants fall right off of my body. 

So one of the things that I recently decided to do was let go of all my workout pants and get new ones that fit my body.  It's been a weird experience for me because they feel body-hugging now.  They're not, of course, they actually fit me but it's been hard not hiding in my pants that are 5 sizes too big.  This morning when I went out walking, I felt like my ass was on display because you could actually see I had one instead of pants that were swimming on me.  I kept staring at it in the mirror before I left the house wondering if I looked okay and then thought, "Screw it, I'm out there to exercise!"  Who cares if I am on display, although I hardly think I am.  It actually felt very good to see my legs in pants that fit because it was so clear to me that I have lost a lot of weight in them.  There are muscles there now that I just couldn't see or feel before.  There is power behind those legs that help me take good care of myself.  When I go walking, I start out a little slower to make sure I'm getting a good stretch before I kick up the speed, but I do turn it into a power-walk eventually.  I get lost in my music and before I know it, I've done three miles without even feeling like I went very far at all.

At another truth that has been shocking to me is that I have discovered I love exercising.  This is crazy, I realize, but it's true.  I have always felt there was this athletic girl hidden somewhere in the depths of me, just fighting and clawing to get out.  As I continue to drop weight, she is emerging more and more.  Each time I know I am going to exercise, I actually am full of excited anticipation.  Excuse me, but who is this??  Certainly not the Kathy that detested going out there, out of breath, not wanting to sweat.  Yet, I love knowing I am going to hit the pavement.  I am happy when I'm lacing up my shoes, happy when I am heading up a hill that I couldn't make it up before, happy to feel my feet take me mile upon mile.  Oh my gosh, that's it ... I am happy!  The fact is that I am out there, doing my thing, going beyond my wildest expectations for myself, taking care of my body in a way I could have never envisioned for myself before.  These are things that make me want to drop to my knees in gratitude to God.  It's a thankfulness I just can't really articulate, except I think you know that gratitude I have in my heart if you're on the same journey I am on and experiencing things in the same way I am.  I'd even classify that things that I am able to do now and want to do now as miracles.  The change in me is incredible and I can't wait to see more!