Been Miss Sicky this week

Well, I was supposed to return to work this past Thursday, October 2nd, but that didn't work out so well.  I got really sick and actually thought I had strep throat.  I ended up going to see a doctor to make sure because, if I did, I would have to stay home.  Since I work in a high school and that is highly contagious, that would be horrible.  The doctor I saw, who is not one I usually see, was excellent at being gentle when he swabbed my mouth.  They did two tests, one that had instant results and another that would send cultures to the lab to be on the safe side.  I was negative so he determined that I had a virus and should stay out of work to heal, especially after recovering from major surgery.  After contacting my surgeon's office, we felt it was best that I wait to return until after I see him for a follow-up appointment on Monday.  I've been trying my best to stay at home, don't do things to make my illness worse and just put myself in the best shape to return to work.  I was really disappointed, but I also agreed that it was for the best.

During the week, my blood sugar dropped incredibly low, down to 44, in the middle of the night.  I am so grateful for the amazing work the body can do in protecting against death.  44 is very dangerous and could lead to a diabetic coma.  Thankfully, my body was doing it's job when it started sweating and shaking, waking me up from sleep.  The hard part of it was dealing with getting my blood sugar up and keeping it there.  It went from 44 back up to 107, down to 55 and up again to 85 throughout the night, despite my best efforts.  The next day left it on the lower side as well.  The weird thing is why it happened in the first place ... I don't have any clue.  It's one of the things I need to discuss with my surgeon on Monday.  I've also had more dumping.  I think this makes it nine times now that it's happened.  I'm not eating sweets or anything like that to cause the typical dumping to occur.  Mine has been focused around food that has turned out to be too dry.  I am having to experiment and find different ways of preparing things.  For example, I can only have 1 ounce of crab before I feel like I'm about to dump.  However, if I put it in the food processor and make it into crab salad with light mayo or some sort of sauce, I can have more and I'm perfectly fine.  Dumping is an awful experience, that's for sure.  As I progress, I'm learning to spot warning signs and to really listen to my body.  It speaks to me if I just stop to listen.  Sometimes, though, that's the hardest thing to do.  I don't know about you, but life gets very busy and it's difficult to stop and listen but it's also what I need to do.  I'm trying to do things that will help me change habits that no longer serve me.  Taking care of myself has never been a priority and now I see that is the most important thing.  If I don't have my health, I can't be there for other people, let alone myself.

Pre-op class #6 and weekly weigh-in

I connected with my primary care doctor today to discuss the low blood sugar reading I had yesterday.  In fact, looking over the last two weeks of numbers, yesterday was not the only time I was way too low ... it was the fourth.  She is making an adjustment on my medication, so hopefully things will improve.  I'm glad I consulted with her because I actually had another low reading today when I came home after my pre-op class.  I hate even typing that to be honest because I know people are concerned.  Trust me, so am I.  This keeps me accountable.  Somehow posting what's going on for whoever happens to read my blog keeps me really honest.

Speaking of the class, I lost another two pounds for the week.  Yay me!  It's been a slow but steady decline, so I'm happy with that.  When I look at the alternatives of either gaining weight or staying the same, I'll take it any day of the week.  Tonight our topic was about assertiveness.  I can really see how assertiveness, or lack of it, can cause me to go to food instead of dealing with something.  When I think of situations, I completely see how that works.  I have a simple but good example of this.  When I have to order more contact lenses, I do it at Costco.  When I did that last month, there was only one person working at the counter with a long line of people patiently waiting.  A person came up and actually cut in line, even though a bunch of us had been waiting for a while.  Instead of saying something, I let it go.  Something about not wanting to cause a fuss because I think I would have been rude if I would have said anything.  Of course, no one else said anything either.  Then later on, when I got home from shopping, I found myself munching on food even though I wasn't particularly hungry.  At the time, I knew it was because of Mr. Line Jumper and the fact that I didn't say anything.  Sometimes I have no problem being assertive, yet at other times it's a struggle.

Our facilitator discussed the fact that, in her opinion, overeating is a misguided attempt to fulfill unmet needs.  She's right.  Did I really have to pick up food to deal with the fact that I was mad at Mr. Line Jumper and even madder with myself that I didn't say anything?  What purpose was the munching going to fulfill for me?  Honestly, all it did was make me feel bad for having snacked unnecessarily, making me then want to keep on doing it.  It's such a negative cycle that feels like a vortex I can never get out of once I start picking up the food in the first place.  It reminds me of that movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray.  Have you seen it before?  It's such a perfect example of this cycle.  They guy is living the same day over and over again.  No matter how hard he tries to get it to change, somehow he can't get out of the trap he's in of playing the events over and over again.  That's what a food addiction is like to me.  I say to myself that it'll be different this time.  Yet, when I go to the food for reasons other than nutrition to fuel my body, the guilt of that then convinces me to carry on until I've eaten the whole thing.

I really need to spend some time in reflection of how my overeating has been a cover to fulfill unmet needs and really identifying exactly what those unmet needs are for me.  Awareness of that will go a long way to continued good health.  At the same time, I need to keep moving my feet and my seat.  Using the MapMyWalk app on my phone every time I exercised, it showed me that I walked 10 miles last week and burned 3419 calories.  That seems pretty awesome to me.  One step at a time.

Water Challenge Day 40:  Drank 183 out of 183 ounces

Number that scared the #$%^ out of me

I have had the last week off of work.  I work in education and it is just one of the breaks we are fortunate to have.  This time has been a great opportunity to refresh, renew and prepare for very busy weeks that are coming up.  When I'm on vacation, not that I'm complaining, I sometimes have a hard time because I'm thrown off my regular schedule.  Normally on Sundays, I go walking in the morning to start off my day.  Today, however, I went to church with my friend I normally go to church with but we switched from Saturday night's contemporary service (loud music and younger crowd) to Sunday's classic service (standard hymns with older crowd).

Because of the change, I didn't have breakfast until I got home around 9:30.  I really wasn't paying much attention to what I was doing.  I prepared my standard breakfast, oatmeal and eggs, and took all my meds/vitamins.  I spent some time working around my house and then I decided to take a nap later in the afternoon.  I didn't sleep great last night.  I just kept tossing and turning to the point where I turned on the light and one of my cats was sitting up, staring at me and giving me that Will you pleeease stop moving? look.  It actually was pretty hilarious.  If I would have had my phone next to me, I would've taken a picture of her face.  Anyway, I took the nap and dreamt about having the gastric bypass surgery.

This surgery for me is something I look forward to having, but there is also a voice that pops up every now and then that asks me if it's the right decision, if I'm really that far gone that I need surgery to help me to lose weight and other thoughts along that vain.  I think it is healthy to ask questions because I want to make absolutely sure that I'm making the right decision.  From where I stand right now, I am inclined to go with gastric bypass but my dream was about whether or not I should consider getting the vertical sleeve done instead since it's much less invasive.

When I awoke from my nap, it was with a startle and not at all feeling as though I had just gotten good sleep.  In fact, I felt horrible.  I felt tingling in my feet and fingers and I noticed I felt clammy with sweat on my forehead.  That meant one thing to me from previous experience ... my blood sugar was too low.  By the time I made it into the kitchen, where my glucose meter is kept, I was shaking.  I pricked my finger with the lancet device and had a hard time even getting a drop of blood to test.  Here's what my meter read (70 is considered low for reference).

My first thought was I hate fucking diabetes.  Sorry for just putting it out there like that but it just pisses me off.  It makes me want to cuss like a sailor.  I have been diabetic since the year 2000.  I don't know if I ever shared the story on here of how I found out so I'm going to digress for a paragraph (you guys should be used to my shift-changing by now!).

I was taking a shower at home alone.  I remember reaching for the shampoo to wash my hair and then the next thing I knew I was grabbing the shower curtain and rod on the way down to the ground as I was fainting.  I hit my upper thigh on the edge of the tub and landed on the tile.  The water was still running but I was somehow awoken by my then two concerned cats.  Thank God for curious kitties.  I somehow was able to get up, although the pain in my leg was excruciating.  I called one of my friends and told her what happened.  She was insisting that I go to the hospital.  She used to be a paramedic, so she was immediately concerned.  I told her no, I would be fine.  Besides, Kaiser was pretty far from where I lived at the time.  After a few minutes, I called her back and asked her to take me to the hospital.  The pain was just too insane for me to handle.  By the time we got there, the pain in my leg was beyond anything I can describe.  I could barely get out of the car with having to bend my leg.  All the time I was in the ER, here I was worried about the pain in my leg and the doctors were more concerned about why I fainted.  My leg turned out fine with contusions, but the rest of me was not.  My resting heart rate had gone up 40 points and they had to fill me with two bags of saline because I was so dehydrated.  I remember the night before I had gone out with a friend and I had two humungo daiquiris.  Apparently that was the thing that helped me discover I have diabetes.

Okay, back to the low blood sugar.  After I spent a few seconds being mad, I had to get over it and take action to increase my blood sugar.  I've had my blood sugar lower before, but I definitely was not going to wait around to see how low I could go.  I have a bag of frozen fruit from Costco in my freezer so I had a cup of that to get my blood sugar to go up.  As it was hitting my system and making me feel better, I wondered why I had gone so low.  It didn't make any sense to me.  It wasn't as if I had gone and worked out.  Sure, I did do things around my house but I don't think enough to have the sort of effect.  The only thing I could figure was either I waited too long to have breakfast or I injected too much insulin.

Once I was out of the woods, I had to let the episode go as much as possible.  Having diabetes is the reason I have been opting for the gastric bypass instead of the sleeve, but I suppose that's something I'll need to keep thinking about and talking to the surgeon about when it comes time.  To be free of this disease is a great motivator to keep moving forward.  In the interim, I will keep doing my best to take of myself right now with exercise and clean eating.  Who knows, I may decide not to do the surgery in the end.  Right now I find that highly unlikely, but all I can do right now is take it a day at a time and watch my blood sugar.

Water Challenge Day 39:  Drank 100 of 183 ounces

A year later and a difficult decision

Yesterday I stayed home from work.  I didn't feel well and it was one of those times where I knew the best thing for me was to just stay home to rest.  It turns out it was a good thing for me to take care of myself not only for physical reasons for emotional ones, too.   I did a lot of thinking and came to some important decisions while I laid in my bed.  Indulge me for a paragraph or two as I go back and tell a short version of what brought me to where I found myself yesterday.

This last year has really brought a significant amount of change in my life.  I started the year at my heaviest weight - 420 pounds.  I never could have imagined myself in a situation like that, not ever.  But it was enough of a catalyst for me to do something drastic to care for my health if I wanted to be around for the future.  So, on February 6th, I began the journey of making big changes by starting Optifast at 417 pounds.  It was a pretty scary proposition at that time, but I never looked back once I went down that road.  It wasn't an easy journey, but, rather quickly, I began to see a significant amount of weight be shed from my body.  I lost 45 pounds in the first month alone.  When you're in a situation like being on nothing but shakes and chicken broth, as I was in those first 10 or so months, there is nothing to hide behind.  The emotions are raw and hit you square between the eyes.  Yet, I was able to be 100% compliant with the program without even a little bit of a desire to cheat.  I mean, I remember getting "special permission" to take my once-monthly communion at church because I was so worried about staying compliant.  It's actually pretty funny now when I think back on it.  At the height, I had lost 190 pounds within those 10 months.  Pretty soon, I found myself the smallest I had ever been in my life.  I had gone from wearing a size 34 down to a size 16.  I literally was shrinking.  I was doing my best to deal with things as they were coming up, but I never realized at the time how difficult things were going to become.

The entire time I was on the shakes, I was having medical issues but I really didn't press too hard in regards to them because I was losing buckets of weight that I didn't care that I was dangerously lightheaded every single day or having digestive issues.  There was a constant pain in both of my legs that I didn't remember having before going on the fast.  Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming the products at all.  It's just that things were happening and I chose to ignore them as best I could because nothing seemed more important to me at the time than getting the weight off.  Good Lord, that's all I wanted.  That's all anyone wants who is classified as a "super morbidly obese" human being.  You'd give anything to be skinny; screw the consequences.  However, over time, I couldn't ignore the problems that I was having and eventually went on a modified fast and then, ultimately, a full-food plan that had me no longer taking any of the products.  In no short order, without even realizing the severity of what was going on at the time, I gained back an incredible sixty or so pounds within three months.  Yes, you read that right.  I went back over my weight loss stats to confirm that. Now, I should say that not all of that has to do with me making poor personal choices; I was having significant rejection issues to some pain medications that were prescribed to me.  Some had horrible weight gain as a side effect, but that set me on a pattern of feeling pain, trying to take medication to help me with the pain, feeling frustration because I was still feeling the pain yet seeing weight gain, eating out of that frustration, still feeling pain, more eating and then going on and on in a cycle of self-destruction.  We'd change my medication, with the same results each time.  All the while, here I was trying to function normally, putting on a brave face and feeling like I was collapsing on the inside.  Besides the stress of the pain in my legs, I was also dealing with pain from my worker's comp injury, the stress of dealing with lawyers and depositions, a demanding full-time job, college courses, attempting to have regular exercise in my life that causes pain every time I did it, incredibly low blood sugar and the list just goes on and on.

Meanwhile, I am continuing to go to my Optifast classes each week, even though I was no longer on product, because I wanted to continue to try to lose more weight until I could get down to goal but keeping the support of the group.  I'm not one of these people who can do it on their own.  I need the group dynamics to help to keep going.  Doing that costs $50 each week.  Even as the number on the scale kept getting higher and higher, even as I watched friends continue to get smaller while I was silently heading in the other direction and feeling so jealous of them even though I was happy for them, even though I was feeling emotional pain at the thought that I was failing, I kept going to the meetings each week.  I expressed that I was having a hard time, but I was still putting on a brave face.  I kept telling myself, "I'll find a way to turn this around."  Ever the person to try to "fix" things, I was also trying to fix my own stuff going on.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday -- I cannot keep up the brave face while I feel the total opposite inside.  Gaining back 60 pounds in 3 months is not only unbelievable but it's a cry for help from a person who never asks for help.  So, yesterday, I finally made the decision to ask for help.  You guys can't imagine how hard this is for me to say that I've gained so much back in such a short period of time.  Really, if it wasn't happening to me and I didn't see the numbers on the scale, I wouldn't believe it.  I mean, who has ever heard of weight coming back that fast, no matter what the reason?

To that end, I've decided that I am going to discontinue going to the Optifast support class, especially if it is costing me $50 each week (that's $200 in a month for those of you doing the math) when I'm going in the opposite direction.  Instead, I'm going to continue doing what I started a year ago - taking care of myself.  I do feel that continued support is necessary for me, though.  So I'm going to go the Weight Watchers route for the rest of my weight loss since it will give me the same sort of support at a fraction of the cost, while continuing to work with my personal doctor and dietitian.  I want the weekly accountability in a group setting, as well as the support of people going through the same stuff that I'm going through.  And, most importantly, I'm going to also look into going into counseling to help me through.  I have been overweight my entire life and I need the help if I even have a fighting chance at having a normal, healthy body and life.  Even though I have a very public blog that a lot of people read (for which I am incredibly grateful), I'm actually a very private person who is conservative, in control and tries to handle things on her own.  Can you say Type A??  I can no longer keep doing that.  I have so many people on my side that love me to pieces and just want to see me happy.  Ultimately, as painful as this entire process has been, I want that for myself, too.  I'm not seeking another diet, as I've been on many before, but what I am seeking is continuing to move forward in a positive direction.

Today, as I was talking with an extremely caring friend who has the same type of personality as me, the tears finally came.  I was trying to hold them back as best I could from her because I knew that if I started to let them out, it would take a long time for them to stop.  But that's the beauty of friendship ... the other person loves you through the tears, the rationalizations and, frankly, the bullshit.  It wasn't just the talk with this particular friend today.  It was the culmination of all of my talks with friends old and new like Sara, Melissa, Kim, Mercedes, Kristin, Tracy, M and so many others that have made the difference in me seeking more in terms of taking care of myself.  All of you have meant so much to me when I could share such personal things with you all the while knowing that you all stand by me in unwavering support.  I wish I could tell people reading this that the journey of weight loss is an easy one in which you get on a special plan to take the weight off, you reach goal and then move into happily ever after mode.  It takes work, a lot of faith and a level of unprecedented humility that I never imagined before.  I think back through the last year and I have felt tremendous joy.  Sure, there have been incredible challenges (especially when I look back over the last couple of years), but make no mistake about it ... there's been a lot of joy.  In an effort to keep moving down that road of continued joy, sometimes it means making hard decisions that ultimately provide the best healing. 

So, onward to the next part of this journey. This time I think I'll put my seat belt on so I don't fling myself over that cliff.  I was pretty close this time.

Too much of a good thing

It's been raining in San Diego off and on, so it interrupted my usual Sunday morning walk with Sara around Discovery Lake.  So we decided to go and walk around one of the indoor malls.  She brought her son in the stroller.  He is such a cutie pie and lights up when he sees me.  I heart him, Sara!  Although it took us a little longer than usual walking around the stores and with playtime for him, we were still able to log in 2.4 miles.  I use the MapMyWalk app on my phone to keep track when I do walking outside of the gym.  Then, after we said goodbye, I headed over to Costco to get fruits, veggies and nutrition bars.  I ran some other errands and then headed home, where I eventually had lunch, albeit a later one.  My legs were hurting more than they normally do so I decided that I would head over the gym for another workout.  I did have moments before I left my house where I thought I was being crazy exercising again because the walking I did earlier was just fine, but I was restless.  I didn't sleep well last night because of my leg pain and I was still feeling it today, so, for better or worse, I decided I needed more exercise.

I got a really good workout in and was totally dripping in sweat.  When I get on that treadmill, I swear I get lost in the music playing in my ears.  I work up to a really great walking pace, which makes me feel really alive.  After I got home from the gym, I went in to take a shower and then started doing a load of laundry.  I sat down and added up my exercise.  Between the walking at the mall and all the exercise I had at the gym, I logged in at 1,032 calories burned.  That does not include the walking I did at Costco or my other errands, so who knows how much more I did (I told Sara that I want to get a Fit Bit and I think it's time for me to do it).  I knew I needed to eat some dinner, but wanted to call my dad back.  I missed his call earlier in the day and didn't want to forget to call him.  As we were talking, I started getting sweaty.  Weird since I had just taken a shower and the heater was on.  Then I started to feel jittery and what I was saying to him on the phone wasn't making much sense.  I knew what that meant.  I decided to end my phone call with him sooner than I planned on and ran into the kitchen to find my meter.

My blood sugar was 53.

Dang it, dang it, dang it! I grabbed a banana and ate the whole thing.  I would have eaten some of my emergency glucose tablets, but I ran out of them the last time my blood sugar was too low and the pharmacy wasn't open in Costco when I went earlier to get more.  I have a bottle of them at work sitting on my desk, but not at home so I had to find another choice.  Eating an entire banana is about 2 servings of a carbohydrate, so I knew that would help.  After I started feeling a bit better, I sat down and thought to myself, "Okay, Kathy, think back on the day ... what went wrong?"  I then realized I didn't eat my morning snack before exercising with Sara, my lunch came really late, I didn't have a snack before the second workout at the gym and, up to that point, I hadn't had dinner yet.  Well, duh, it makes sense now.  Not only did I mess up with my food today in terms of when I ate and how much I ate (or, more accurately, didn't eat), but I also got a lot of exercise in, burning a lot of calories, so I needed to replenish those as well.

As great as the last few days have been in having normal blood sugar levels, this was a stark reminder that I have to continuously be vigilant.  It's the same idea as the struggle I have been having with wanting to snack at night - some days can be really great and others can be a real problem so I have to always be practicing those things that help me be successful every single day.  Sara gave me a great reminder of that when she asked me today how often I'm journaling outside of the regular blogging that I do.  It's been a long while.  I'm so glad she asked me that because I hadn't even thought about the fact that I haven't been doing that.  She made a great suggestion to do it every day when I get home from work or school, which will help me separate my day from my evening when I have the hardest time with wanting to graze or snack.  Being vigilant has to be a priority for me so that I can stay in the healthiest place possible, whether that is having normal blood sugars or healthy food at every meal.  And, hello Kathy, you don't need to exercise that much!  One time in a day is just fine.  You're not competing on The Biggest Loser ... this is real life.

Getting through the urge to start snacking

I'm happy to report that my blood sugar levels have been normal for several days now.  Hooray!  I'm feeling less and less fearful of a low number displayed on my meter when I test my fingers now.  My food has been really great for the most part, except at night.  I have been religiously tracking my food in my Lose It app, making sure I'm getting the right amount of carbs and other servings that my dietitian gave me as guidelines. All my meals are fantastic during the day ... very healthy, very filling, very satisfying.  But, when I get home from work or school at night and I'm left alone with just me, I have found myself making trips into the kitchen sort of hunting for food to nosh on and just not even realizing what I'm doing.  I know this is purely emotional eating because I am getting plenty of good stuff into my body before then and I'm drinking a lot of fluids as well.  These days lately, the last several months really, have been very emotional for me.  Dealing with all of the medical stuff that I have had to walk through has been tough emotionally, coupled with actual physical pain.  Sometimes I have gone to food to take my mind off of it or to somehow make my way through the frustration I have been feeling. 

Being off of the products after doing so many successful months of Optifast has been hard as well.  I kicked ass while I was on the shakes and now it feels like it's taking everything in me to hold it together because the craving for food is so intense most nights.  I've gained so much of the weight back.  Not all of it, thank you God, but a good amount.  It hasn't been all me making bad choices - there have been side effects to medication making me gain a lot of weight, too.  Regardless, there is gained weight.  I know it on the scale, I can see it in how my clothes fit, and I feel it from the way other people look at me.  The last one is the hardest one for me I think.  When I was at my smallest and getting down to it, I was getting comments from people left and right, every single day.  "Wow, you look amazing!"  "Oh my gosh, how much have you lost?"  People greeted me with smiles all day long.  When they looked at my body, it was in astonishment of the transformation that has occurred.  And now?  Now I get no comments.  People do look at my body but in that, "I can't believe she's gained so much weight back" sort of way.  Some people who were so much in my corner before hardly talk to me now or it's a strained awkwardness.  It's been a real eye opener.  As much as I have been in my own private nightmare, I have been feeling whatever I've been feeling about it.  But then to have people give me the once over or hardly talk with me any more - well, it's a little rough.  Granted, this is not everyone in my life.  The people that love me now have always loved me and always will, no matter what.  Of course they want me to be happy and healthy, just like we would want for anyone.  It's those looks that people give me that I remember at night time when I am alone at home and I guess I don't know how to deal with the feelings it brings up in me.  I know it's not out of maliciousness, but I'm sure it's people feeling helpless as well.  Trust me when I say that I am doing my absolute best to be present in the moment, to be honest and to work through this tough time.  I'm also working hard at not beating myself up about all of this.  The Type A part of my brain tells me I've failed, but I know I'm not a failure ... just a human being trying to work through an intensely difficult and challenging part of her life.  I can't forget - I have been overweight and obese for almost all of my life.  Of course it is going to take some real work to leave that in the past and try to forge forward with a new life.

To that end, I decided that I would do a little research.  I wanted to search for tips from other people who were having the same struggles with nighttime eating after eating so well during the day.  I didn't want tips on how to eat healthier or to make sure I wasn't skipping meals ... that sort of stuff is not what I'm looking for.  What I am seeking is to find some ways other people with emotional eating issues have made it through the evenings and eventually changed those behaviors.  So I found a lot of great tips that I felt compelled to share here.  I know that my work is to dig at the core of what is going on and to tackle it head-on.  While I continue working on that, however, I want to make it through my evenings without feeling like I'm grazing out in the pasture.  Here are some suggestions I found.  Most are basic, common sense sorts of things, but I need the reminders:

• Drink some tea.  A great idea is to find assorted tea flavors and have a different one every night.  There are some pretty interesting tea flavors out there.
• Brush your teeth immediately after having your dinner.  It makes continued snacking less desirable if you're going to ruin clean teeth and, I'm guessing, will make certain foods less appealing.
• Pamper yourself by pampering your body:  soak your feet and massage them, put lotion all over, listen to relaxing music, give yourself a mani pedi.
• Exercise in the evenings and have your dinner after you've finished your workout.  It means you will need to eat a little bit later, but it may prevent additional snacking late into the night.
• Drink water to determine if your hunger feelings are truly hunger or if maybe it's emotional hunger.  You might even do something fun, like flavoring your water with lemon/lime or drink sparkling water.
• If you're bored at night, do things to keep your evening interesting like taking a class, taking up a new hobby, calling a friend.
• Make sure there are not foods in your house that are conducive to snacking.  If the food isn't in the house in the first place, it's a lot harder to eat it. 
• Stretch your body in a very leisurely way.  While you're watching TV, instead of sitting in a chair or on the couch, make a change.  Get up, sit on the floor and stretch your legs, your torso, your arms.  You'll feel great and your body will thank you for it.
• Grab a really good book to read.  Make it something light-hearted, a "feel good" read that is a page turner.  Your time will fly by.
• Clean your house.  Put things away in your living room, mop the floor in the kitchen, clean out your cupboards.  It'll keep you busy and moving.
• Chew sugar-free gum.
• Meditate for 10-15 minutes.  Maybe you do this with candles or music, or simply just being silent in a dark room.
• Take a really long shower or bath about an hour after dinner.  Wear something nice and form-fitting to bed, not just a big t-shirt.  It's too easy to overeat when you have clothes that are not constricting.
• Give yourself a facial and leave the scrub on for a good while, perhaps during the times when it's the most challenging.  Pretty hard to eat while you've got goop on your face.
• Instead of just reading your Bible, take out a notebook and handwrite verses.  Not only will it keep you busy, but it'll likely have more meaning when you are able to spend more time on it.
• Blog and write in your journal more.  This is what a forum such as this is for ... to not only to celebrate the triumphs but to work through difficulties, too.

I'm sure I've missed some suggestions, but this is a good starting point.  Tackling that craving urge in the evening has to be a top priority for me.  I don't want to gain all the weight back.  I worked too damn hard and spent way too much money to just throw that away.  Besides, I don't want to go back to how things used to be.  I was miserable before.  Even though I have a lot of medical stuff that's come up since I started working on getting healthier, it's still a much better place now compared to where I used to be and I can't ever forget that.  I am determined to work through all of this and come out even stronger than before. It's easy to feel great when you're losing the weight, but I'm here to put a face on those that have struggled as well.  To sum all of this up, I want to share something a friend had posted on his Facebook page the other day that was so encouraging to me:

God loves you too much to lead you into a mess.
He has a plan for you that far exceeds anything you may recognize.
Make a commitment not to quit, but to press on today and everyday!
You've got to go through this to get to the other side.
People are waiting for you to make it through 
so you can help them make it through.
NEVER GIVE UP!

Hallelujah, my word for today

I'm beyond thrilled to tell everyone that not only did I get in a full night of rest without waking up, but that I also had normal blood sugar all day long.  I know you all know how I've been absolutely struggling with keeping my low blood sugar readings normal, so this is huge for me.  Dare I have two nights in a row of this?  I would really love that. 

I worked from home today because I had to be here when the new furnace was installed.  What kills me with companies like this that give you a four-hour window of time is that they can come at any point during those hours and you have to be available.  So I had to be available between 8AM-12PM and then I knew it would take a few hours after they arrived.  And what time did they get here?  Almost noon.  I understand that it's difficult for them to predict exactly when they'll be here because each job takes whatever amount of time it takes, yet no one else makes appointments in that way.  If I had a student or parent come in for an appointment with me at work, I hardly think giving them a four-hour window of time in which they need to sit outside my office until I'm darn well ready for them is going to fly.  Just sayin! Anywhoo, I'm getting off my soapbox now.  My furnace is shiny and new and my home is now warm again.  Hooray.  The good thing, at least, was I was able to get a lot of work done without any interruptions.  One of the big parts of my job is to help students get college scholarships.  It often takes quite a while to get the updates and then post the changes for the students, especially when I have interruptions often throughout the day.  We have great success with our students obtaining a lot of money in scholarships, but it doesn't happen by change ... a LOT of work goes into it.  But today I was able to do a ton while the cats just watched me type.  Apparently that's a nice change of pace for them during the day instead of their usual of taking a nap on my bed until I get home.  Ah, the spoiled life of the two princesses!

Last night I expressed my desire to drop my Tuesday night class at the university because my backside was incredibly uncomfortable in the seats.  I found a section of another class that was open today and after much deliberation, I decided to go ahead and enroll in that one instead.  The problem with this new class is that it meets on Thursday nights from 7-9:45PM.  Almost 10:00 seems a little late to be roaming around campus and then finally crawling into bed at, likely, 11:00 since a live about 20 minutes away and need time to get ready for bed.  However, the more I thought about it, the more I was certain that it just wasn't worth the back pain that the other class would put me in.  I have the same professor for another class on Wednesday nights and he told us that he will never keep us to the end of the class.  He said he's good for about 2 hours and then he starts to get tired, so I can all but guarantee that I will get out of my other class earlier as well.  That was great news.

I think I had a really good day, even though I had to write a $555 check for the furnace.  While I have insurance, it does not cover modifications that had to be done because the other unit was so old.  It still saved me almost $3,000 though.  And, really, I'm not worrying about it too much.  It had to be done, I do have the money and so I'm okay with it. In addition to that, I'm grateful that I had happy blood sugar today, I'm in a new class that will make my back feel so much better and that my food was really clean today.  I can go to bed feeling good about all of that.

Continuing where I left off

Last night I posted that my blood sugar was low before going to bed.  Unfortunately, I had a very difficult time keeping it regulated and my pulse was absolutely racing.  Every time I laid down to try to go to sleep, it felt like my heart was going a mile a minute.  I did check it several times and it was completely normal, so I'm pretty sure it's associated with the low blood sugar.  Having a fast heartbeat is one of the symptoms.  Right before I went to bed, I took pain medication that has a side effecting of making me drowsy.  However, as much as I tried, I couldn't sleep all night long.  I finally did fall asleep after I turned my alarm off, so I had to book it to get to work on time this morning.  So I was a walking zombie all day long.  Tomorrow I will be working from home because I'm getting my furnace replaced.  It's time for me to say goodbye to this 41-year-old relic.

At least I won't have to rush to head down to work since I'll be doing computer work from my guest bedroom while they work on taking this old furnace out and putting a brand new one in.  They have to do three modifications to the area, so who knows how long this will be.  They gave me a four-hour window of time that they'll show up, but because of all the work they need to do, I have a feeling this will be a day-long expedition.  What I can say is that I'm grateful that I kept up the home warranty after I bought the house.  Just in replacing the air conditioning and furnace alone, it saved me about $9,000.  Well worth keeping this insurance policy going year after year. 

On a separate note, tonight was the first session of another semester at school.  It's actually my last one.  I do have two classes I'll be taking this summer, but they're only six weeks long so I feel like I'm starting to cross the finish line.  Tonight's class was in a lecture hall at the university.  That's pretty unusual for an upper division communications class, but it was packed in there.  We had 145 people in the class and I have to say that I felt extremely old!  I'm not old at 41, but it's an earlier class at 4 in the afternoon, so I think it's in between the time that young kids go to class and older adults take evening courses.  I'd say the median age in that room was probably 20.  I do have to say that I felt really uncomfortable in my seat.  Here's what the seats look like.

I'm sitting in the bottom right corner one.  The desks are attached to the seats and I definitely have enough room for it to fit over my lap.  But after about an hour or so in the chair, I noticed my backside started hurting.  That has happened to me a lot since I started losing weight.  I think it's less padding or it might have to do with my bad back connected to other muscles.  To be truthful, I wanted to drop the class and get into another one because of how uncomfortable I was feeling with the chair, except no other classes are available that will satisfy graduation requirements.  So I'm going to have to stick it out somehow and just remind myself that I only have to sit in that seat for one class session during the week.  We will also be working in groups a lot since it's a communications class, so that might help break up all the sitting.  Be uncomfortable is not something I like to do, but I do know there are reasons behind it.

I'm praying I get some sleep tonight.  My blood sugar is fine right now, so maybe I'll sleep like a baby tonight.  Dare to dream!

OMG, beyond frustrated

Okay, I am officially sick of this.  My blood sugar is 53 right now, although I did just have some glucose tablets and regular soda that has 15g of carbs per serving.  I will also have something to eat after I'm done posting this to keep it elevated.  I had well balanced meals today and even had an entire banana (which is two servings of a carb as opposed to the half banana I usually eat) before I worked out.  I do know my regular routine was off today because of the holiday, but seriously??  I'm so fucking frustrated right now.  Sorry for cussing, but there's just no other way for me to express what I'm feeling inside that doesn't sugarcoat it.  Right now, I feel like I should be eating just all carbs.  Obviously I know I am not supposed to be doing that, but my blood sugar seems to be low pretty much every day.  Okay, I need to regroup.  I'm at least glad I wasn't awakened in the middle of the night with low blood sugar.  I will have some time to get it higher before I go to bed.  I know this is going to require that I be diligent all of the time in tracking everything so that I can counter the lows with appropriate food.  I can already feel the glucose tabs and soda raising the blood sugar level in me.  My hands aren't shaking and I don't feel nearly as jittery as when I opened up my laptop.

I'm posting tonight earlier than I usually do because I have some scheduling changes that will effect my evenings and mornings.  Tomorrow I start another semester of college.  The principal at my high school has graciously allowed me to leave campus sooner two days a week so that I can take classes that start earlier than when I would normally take them.  I work full time and go to school, so it's a juggling act for sure.  That means that I will need to adjust my schedule the other days of the week to accommodate the time.  So I'll be going in earlier and staying later two other days.  Since I started taking that pain medication that makes me drowsy at bedtime, nortriptyline, I have to ensure that I allow myself at least eight hours of sleep so that I'm not groggy all day long.  What this all means is that I need to be in bed by 9:30 so that I can be up in the morning with enough time to do everything I need to do to be at work earlier.  What this also means is that some days of the week will have me leaving my house at 6:20 in the morning and not returning until 7:30, so I have to make sure I plan my meals ahead of time if I want to take care of myself the best way I can.  I also have to plan when I can get in exercise, too.  It's all worth it, though.  There's no question in my mind that all the effort is worth it and I feel so much healthier when I take the time to do what is right for me and my body.  If only my darn blood sugar would cooperate! 

Lost two pounds this week, so I'm happy about that.  Much better losing than gaining, that's for sure.

Never forgetting what it was like

I have a very serious question to ask ... am I the only one annoyed by the free food give away stands they have in Costco?  I don't know about you, but I'm there to get in, shop and get out because there's just so many people there.  Even before I started losing weight, I never grabbed the free food at the end of every freakin aisle.  Seriously, every aisle that has food in it has someone giving away a little cup of chicken, sliver of bread or whatever else they have going on.  I was annoyed today when I encountered all of that.  It's not as if it's unexpected, just got under my skin today for some reason.  Oh, wait a minute, I know the reason why.  I got trapped a little in the f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g produce room because people were gathering around a section where food was being given away and it sort of blocked the door.  For people who shop at Costco, you know how cold that room is.  I had to strong-arm my way around the carts and the people looked at me like, "What's her problem??"  Believe it or not, something like that would have been enough to make me want to eat something, just the feeling of frustration.  But I didn't.

I went walking this morning with Sara, which was really nice.  It was gorgeous weather outside and we took a bit of a different route today around the lake for a change of pace.  It had little hills in the path ... not bad and good for my legs.  As I've shared many times here on the blog, I have leg pain, the source of which is suspected to be the osteoarthritis in my knees.  I always knew I had it in my left knee from an accident, but the diagnosis of the right one just happened a few months ago.  I have this muscle achiness in my legs mostly above my knees, in my thighs and up to my hips that leaves me feeling lots of pain.  Although the exercise hurts it, it actually makes it feel some relief at the same time.  It's a weird phenomenon that I couldn't even begin to explain.  Going up and down the little hills that we did today was good for me to get the stretch, even though I have to go a little slower so that I don't hurt myself.  Tomorrow when I go to the gym, I think I'll do some leg exercises to continue working on building good muscle there.

This is all just a reminder that there is a process I need to go through to a healthier life.  It's something I believe we all go through, even though it may look a little different for each person.  I am learning this lesson all too well.  Yesterday my blood sugar went pretty well and I woke up this morning with a reading of 95, which is exactly where I should be.  Then I had a healthy breakfast, went walking with Sara for three and a half miles, then I came home and had a snack.  I did some cleaning around the house and got a call from my mom saying that she needed to cancel her plans with me for today.  So I got in the shower and then had lunch afterwards.  I followed my new food plan as prescribed and logged everything into my Lose It app.  Then, a couple of hours later, I went in to test my blood sugar because I was feeling a little groggy.  It was down again, to 69.  Not horribly low, but given I had carbs with my snack and with my lunch, it shouldn't have been that low.  The doctor said anytime it is below 70, I need to eat 15g of carbs to raise it back up, so I grabbed a few crackers before heading to Costco.  That possibly could have lent to me being irritated with the snackers there.

What can I do except continuing to do what I have been doing and making adjustments along the way?  The one thing I do recognize is that taking care of myself is something I must always diligently do and I have to make it a priority.  I realized, too, that even if I didn't have diabetes and low blood sugar, that is something that will have to be the case for me if I want to live a healthier life.  I have to always be diligent about making time for exercise, preparing my meals and making decisions that aid towards good health.  Sometimes I wonder to myself if people who read my blog want to hear about the ups and downs of day to day life, especially as someone who has diabetes and other issues, all while trying to lose weight.  Then it hit me, "Kathy, your story probably resonates with readers in some way or another."  Maybe you don't have diabetes, but you've got some other health concern.  Maybe you don't have as much weight to lose as I did - it could be that you have more to lose or you want to prevent it from happening.  Maybe you're a person considering going on Optifast and want to read what it's been like for me while I was on the program and now how things are going afterwards.  Whatever the reason, strangers and friends alike, I'm glad you're here so that I can share my journey with you.  Even if you're lurking and never send me a message, that's okay, too.  That's what I did in the beginning.  I do know for sure that I'm so much more grateful to be in this space today than I was a year ago when I was thinking of starting Optifast.  I can't ever forget what those days were like.  As much pain as I go through now, it's nothing like it was living as I was before.  I was always breathing heavy, sweating, tired most of the time, never wanting to exercise, overeating constantly, diabetes out of control, high cholesterol, high blood pressure ... oh the list goes on and on.  I pray I never, ever forget what it was like.  Do you remember what things were like when you were at your worst? 

The story of imperfection

I'm happy to report that I had no incidents of low blood sugar today.  Yay!  That wasn't the case yesterday morning, unfortunately.  I woke up in the middle of the night again with a reading of 53.  The good thing I can say about the lows is that, thank God, they are not as low as I was when I hit 38.  It's still frustrating, don't get me wrong.  The tough thing that I have been experiencing with having these low blood sugar readings is that I so desperately want to move forward with losing weight again and being in a healthier space.  I admit here that the weight gain has broken my spirit in some senses.  I was going along fine until October-ish.  That's when the weight loss was stopping, then I had medication changes that caused significant weight gain, I was on the modified fast and I started eating to deal with emotions with all the medical challenges I have had going on.  This is so hard for me because my mind and my body are acting separately.  On one hand, my body is in a lot of pain in my legs, back and arms.  I'm dealing with low blood sugar from diabetes and I'm pretty much in pain in every waking moment.  I try to handle it the best I can by being silent about it and powering through, but make no mistake, I'm in pain.  Then, on the other hand, my mind tells me I can do anything I want to do so get out there and just do it.  If I did it before, I can do it again.  Somewhere in the middle of that is my heart that aches for relief from the frustration and I'm asking God why, when I want to get healthy so badly, there are such huge roadblocks in front of me.  Even with the weight gain, it's not a little weight gain, it's a lot.  I know there's a purpose for all of this, I just can't see it right now.

It's hard facing the reality of my situation, but I am here, dealing with it and being as honest as I know how to be because putting on a false front gets me nowhere except maybe eating to cover up feelings.  I am not going to slink away from posting what's going on as I try my best to move forward.  I see so many blogs of people who, while they were doing great, were posting all the time and then all of a sudden everything stopped.  I completely understand why someone does that, though ... it would be great if we could all report positive, happy things all the time, something like, "I got on Optifast and dropped 250 pounds.  And when I finished the fast, I had no problems transitioning back onto food and had no cravings. Now I run marathons and am normal." Hmm, what is normal, anyway?  A new healthier way of life does not just happen by osmosis.  It takes a lot of work, sacrifice and significant change over the course of our lives, not just the course of 20 weeks, 40 weeks or beyond.  The change is not just about the food we eat, but also why we eat and learning new ways of doing things.

Today I spent some time moving some of the clothes that are too tight on me now because of the weight gain into the closet in my guest room.  I could have kept them there in my closet as a reminder to myself everyday of what I am capable of doing since I got down to that size in the first place.  Yet, what I have been doing in actuality is berating myself and being incredibly critical of how everything looks on me now.  It actually is a more positive move for me to relocate those clothes temporarily into another room while I do the work of taking care of myself and my health.  I don't want to spend time each and every day judging myself for the weight gain and staying in a space of negativity.  That just doesn't do anything good for me.  Instead, I want to own where I'm at and really work towards more healing.  In time, those clothes will come back and it will be okay.  It happens by me taking baby steps, just like I did in the beginning.  I remember the days, when I first started, where I could barely walk a few blocks without getting winded and sweating a lot.  Even though I'm in pain now, I am able to do several miles at a time with no problem and actually enjoy it.  Tomorrow I'll be doing my usual Sunday walk with Sara, which I always look forward to.  We'll probably walk around 4 miles, which is what we've been doing lately.  I like that.  I want to continue doing things that celebrate positivity, knowing I have the inner strength to move mountains.  I've done it many times in my life before.  I used to weigh 420 pounds at my absolute highest.  I'm nowhere near that weight today, so I can't forget to celebrate that major achievement and to stop judging myself for being an imperfect human being. 

Visit with the doctor

I had an appointment with my primary care doctor today.  It went pretty well.  She greeted me with, "Well, who's this skinny girl I see?" I just love her!  She has seen me at my absolute worst, so I am definitely different in comparison.  I had a lot to talk to her about, so I'm extremely grateful that she's not one of those doctors that rushes you out the door.  The bulk of our conversation surrounded my low blood sugar.  We were both reflecting how it was with me just a year ago ... I couldn't control my blood sugar no matter what we did and it was always high.  So it was quite a switch for us to be talking about my numbers being way too low.  She has referred me to a dietician so that we can develop a personalized food plan that will work for me given the history with Optifast and diabetes.  I was really relieved and am looking forward to going.  I was reminded from my doctor the place that I have been and that I have to be kinder towards myself instead of thinking I'm just not doing good enough with my weight loss.  I did tell her that I was going to continue going to the support classes offered through the clinic even though I'm no longer on product and she told me that, in her experience, patients that are the most successful with the long-term weight loss are the ones that continued on with the classes.  We also discussed the pain I've been having in my legs.  She looked at the notes from the rheumatologist and it turns out I don't have fibromyalgia after all.  He suspected that I did even though the paperwork said I had it, but the pain is not coursing through my body, just concentrated below my hips.  She did a physical exam to confirm it.  That was a relief.  She did put me back on some medication to help with the pain and, at this point, I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to feel better.  Oh, one more thing to add to my list of stuff ... we discovered I'm lactose intolerant.  I suspected it, discussed it with my doctor today and she confirmed that I am.  Okay, God, seriously???

Friends and readers, I'm really committed to moving forward in a positive direction.  I don't want to be just another sad statistic.  There's too much fight in me to do that.  There's been a shift in my life and I know with everything in me that it's just no longer okay to live as that obese person.  It doesn't feel like who I am on the inside.  I crave taking good care of my body as well as my heart and soul.  So I'm fighting and I'm clawing to do better and be better.  The weight gain over the last few months has really bummed me out.  I am a lot heavier than my lowest weight and I somehow need to pull the reins in to get it together.  I know that this isn't all my fault, although I do accept responsibility.  If medication was adding weight, it was my responsibility to say something to doctors sooner.  If my blood sugar was too low and I had to have sugar to normalize it, it was my responsibility to get medical advice sooner (I really should have gone to urgent care with a blood sugar of 38).  And, most importantly, if I was frustrated and having a hard time dealing with the emotions that have come along with all of this and losing weight, it was my responsibility to ask for help from friends and my vast support system sooner.  But I didn't ... I tried to be tough, to soldier on as if I had it all together.  It's completely okay to say that I need help.  I don't have to be a control freak here because all it does is makes it easier to gain weight. 

I am saying all of this not to place all kinds of blame on myself, but just to own where I stand with things.  It's not okay to hurt myself with food and that's what I do when I don't say anything.  It starts off innocently enough and then turns into a full-blown problem.  So, anyway, here I am, gently putting one foot in front of the other, trying my best not to beat myself up over things I can't go back and change.  I just want to move forward with the knowledge that there is so much more good stuff ahead of me.  I've had a really exciting journey so far with such a significant weight loss as well as a great improvement on my diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol and overall health.  I feel like I'm well on my way to better and better days ahead.

Weekly weigh-in

I'm exhausted after a long day, but I committed to post tonight so I'm doing it before I head off to bed.  First off, as I predicted, there is a weight gain since my last weigh-in.  It's been almost a month and I'm up 22 pounds.  Like I said, I knew it.  I'm not surprised I gained weight (although the amount was surprising) since I was struggling so badly to keep my blood sugar up at a normal level and had to have quick-releasing sugar to do it.  That combined with not being able to exercise as much when my blood sugar was so low and poor choices when I was feeling emotional leaves me where I'm at right now.  I wasn't angry, but I was disappointed in myself.  If only I had called the doctor's office sooner to get help with raising the sugar levels, if only I had made better choices ... if only.  However, as I sat in my Optifast group tonight, I knew the right place to be was with the other people who I have been doing this journey with.  I will stick with the group because I need to continue with the support that I find there.  I expressed with them my frustration, my sadness over the weight gain and the commitment that I am going to keep on the path and keep walking forward.  I considered leaving the group because I'm no longer on product and felt like I needed more, but what I need is them and my counselor.  He gets the issues I have been going through, whether it is all the medical stuff or the emotional.  He even told me, when I was describing how low my blood sugar had gotten, that people who go down to the 50's become incoherent, so he was surprised I was able to even function at 38.  Really, I wasn't able to function and I was damn lucky I didn't go into a diabetic coma.  Thankfully I'm going to see my primary care doctor tomorrow morning, so I'm looking forward to discussing everything with her.  Normal life causes stress, we all know that. But when you have other medical issues going on, it seems like the problems get compounded quickly.  I found out today that the furnace I need to replace is not going to be covered one hundred percent by my home warranty to the tune of $555 that I have to pay out of pocket.  I'll admit ... I cussed like a sailor after I hung up the phone today when I found out, but what else can I do except pay for it?  It's 29 degrees outside my house right now and it feels about 50 degrees indoors.  That's the sort of everyday stress that compounds the stress I feel from the medical challenges I have had to deal with.  However, my blood sugar is in the normal range as I type this and I am feeling like I can let the stresses of the day go.  I have the money and, besides, it's not like I have to shell out the $3,355 (the original replacement cost in addition to non-covered costs) if I didn't have the home warranty.  I'm going to get under my electric blanket, try to let the day go and get some rest. 

A peaceful Sunday

I'm happy to report I had a nice, non-drama day.  Blood sugar was perfectly normal all day long, thank you God.  I did have more carbs when the level was on the lower side of normal and that seems to have done the trick to keep it where it should be.  I didn't even have a wake up in the middle of the night with a crash of my levels.  I do have to say that I am super grateful for that.  You can't imagine the stress and anxiousness something like that causes when you're in a dead sleep only to wake up with sweating, shaking, disorientation and the other symptoms I was having all the time.  I'm not saying that it's over now, but I'm watching it closely and just taking it a day at a time. 

I wasn't able to exercise for quite a few days this past week because of the low blood sugar, so it felt really good to get out there.  Sara and I did our usual Sunday walk around the lake, going for 3.7 miles.  We went a little bit later in the morning since it's been so cold here.  My dad was teasing me when I told him it was under 30 degrees at my house because, where he lives in Utah, the temp is dipping into the negative territory.  I reminded him that something like that is expected in Utah, but I live in San Diego!  My legs hurt the entire time we were walking from the osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia.  I'm seeing my primary care doc on Tuesday morning, so I'm going to add that to the list of things I'll be talking to her about.  I do have an appointment to see the rheumatologist at the end of the month, but if there's anything she can do sooner, I'm totally up for that.  I have been doing some research online to ensure I'm eating the right sort of food to help with these two conditions in my legs.  Sometimes selecting different types of food helps greatly and, at this point, I'm willing to do whatever I can to feel better.  I cover up the pain pretty well when I'm around other people, but it really is intense.  The medication I am on to help with the leg pain definitely takes the edge off, but it's still difficult to endure.  Lifting my legs to get into my car hurts, so does sitting down, standing up, climbing, walking for long distances ... pretty much everything.  The weird thing is that, even though it's painful to walk long distances, nothing helps as much as walking long distances.  Go figure.

When I think about all the challenges I have had over the course of the last year, even the last couple of years, I am reminded that I'm a strong person.  Other people remind me of that, too (thanks Sara,  Melissa, Kim and Z).  No matter what is in front of me, I'm not shying away from the hurdles in front of me.  Looking back over the things that I have conquered so far, I know this is just part of my story and journey.  Tomorrow night I have my weigh-in and it's been a couple of weeks.  I know I have gained weight - I can feel it in my clothes.  It's just a matter of how much and how I deal with it.  I am trying to remember not to beat myself up over it, especially when I have had to contend with the immediate issue of raising significantly low blood sugar levels.  In the moment, that had to take priority.  If I'm not around because I've gone into a diabetic coma or worse due to the low blood sugar levels, the effort to lose more weight doesn't make much sense, now does it?  I caught myself being particularly harsh when I was looking in the mirror today.  That's behavior I've had all my life that takes real effort not to participate in.  We're our own worst critics and I don't have any business doing that to myself.  It's easier said than done to stop it, but I'm doing the best I can to recognize it and put the breaks on before it becomes a reason to eat.  Baby steps.

Electrical shocks and pokes

I went and had the nerve testing done with the medical evaluation doctor for my work injury.  While I did just fine, it was extremely painful.  It's hard to describe what it felt like for those that have never had nerve testing done on them before.  The first part was feeling electric pulses coursing through me on my left arm, which is far less injured than the right one, which is my dominant hand.  The doctor hooked me up to a machine and then he'd find spots on my arms, concentrate on the area and then send electric shocks through me to attach to the nerves in that particular area.  It makes your entire body go into shock and jump.  Sort of what it feels like when they test your reflexes, only there's a huge jolt of electricity attached to it.  So he did that in probably twenty different places on the arm.  Some spots weren't that painful at all, while others made my eyes water.  Next, he injected a needle into my skin.  Not a delicate acupuncture needle - it was a full on needle like those they use to take blood.  He then turned on a different machine and then told me to move certain muscles this way or that so I could feel the pressure of the needle against the muscle.  He injected a needle in about twenty different places as well.  All sites were painful, very painful, with some beyond mere pain bordering on wanting to cry out.  Then, when he was done with all that, he repeated the process on my other arm.  I was left breathing really hard, trying to deal with the pain, with both arms in significant pain and blood all over.  I know, gross, huh?  I didn't end up going to my acupuncture appointment afterwards because they had me waiting for an hour and a half just to get into the room to see the doctor and then the procedure took awhile, so I'll be doing my acupuncture appointment tomorrow instead.

The doctor did tell me that there is definitely damage in both of my arms, which, of course, I already knew.  I'm glad the tests confirmed that, though.  Sometimes you're left to feel like you're a crazy person with how much the insurance company denies every medical appointment or procedure you have.  The hard part for me is that my arms will never go back to the place where I was before the injury, meaning I will always have pain to some degree.  Right now it's about managing that pain and having comfort.  That coupled with the pain I feel in my legs from the osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia and back pain ... well, it's just a lot for one person to take on.  It really is a miracle that I've lost as much weight as I have given all the pain I have going on at the same time.  However, I've said this many times before - I'm a fighter.  I'm the scrappiest of fighters and my stubbornness is really an advantage in this situation because I don't give up.  We all have our crosses to bear in life it seems and while mine feel extraordinary at times, I know that it's not going to break me.  It may feel like it in the moment, but I'll overcome the challenges and look back with pride that I made it through the next hurdle. 

As far as my blood sugar, it was low this morning again, but so much better than it's been, that's for sure.  I had another day of it being nice and even, although I did have a hunger headache all day long.  I'm not sure what that was about because I seem to be getting enough food into my system.  Another thing I'll talk to the doctor about on Tuesday.  One foot in front of the other.

Change doesn't have to be painful

I have to return to work tomorrow after a two week vacation.  I'm so blessed to work in a job that I not only enjoy doing but affords me the ability to have so much paid vacation.  I spent a lot of time with family and friends, so I definitely was grateful for the time.  However, it was an immensely challenging time with having to deal with dangerously low blood sugar readings that often times left me wondering if I would make it through the night without passing out.  It's so scary having such a dangerous medical condition and being all alone to deal with it.  That also created some very difficult and sad feelings within me about being alone, but there was nothing I could do in the moment except to deal with what was right in front of me.  I could feel sorry for myself later if I really wanted to, but first I had to make sure I was taking care of myself enough to have safe blood sugar levels.  While my dad was here, he did find some glucose tablets they sell at Costco that are very low in calories that I now carry in my purse so that I will never again be in a situation where I'm fearing for my life because of low blood sugar.

As for today, I had a really good day.  In the morning, I went for a walk with the lovely Sara in the crisp air with rain surrounding us.  Towards the end, the raindrops were starting to come down so we were both glad we finished in time.  I always love exercising with her ... the time seems to fly by and we talk about everything.  Before we knew it, we walked almost four miles.  Amazing how that happens!  She really "gets" the internal battle I go through in dealing with the weight loss issues and I get her stuff, too.  No matter what challenges I have gone through (and will continue to go through) with this journey of getting healthier, the best thing I can do is to keep staying the course and continue walking forward, as well as being honest with those around me.  Sometimes walking through the emotions is the toughest thing to do, even though I know it's not.  I've been through a lot tougher stuff in my life, trust me when I say that.  Those that really know me know that is the God's honest truth.  Yet, in the moment, the weight loss and issues that come along with it feels terribly difficult yet exhilarating.  Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and not recognize myself staring back, at other times I see no difference at all.  It's such a hard thing to explain.  I'm an emotional eater, always have been.  Whether it's happiness, sadness, being bored - no matter what, food has been my "drug" of choice.  I could care less about abusing alcohol or real drugs ... get me in front of a carton of ice cream or some other dessert and I'm just as gone as any other addict. 

Yesterday in church, our pastor started a seven-week series on strengthening our relationship with God and rediscovering the love He has for each one of His children.  With the sermons is a dedicated study of the verses he's preaching on, how they apply in our lives and going deeper into the meaning.  I committed to myself that I would participate in the study because I know that as strong as I might be, God is stronger and will help me through challenges I face if I just let Him.  When I was doing some writing tonight in my journal about that, I really got the message loud and clear that God will never leave me as I walk through this battle towards a healthier life.  If I find myself in tears, which I often was in when my blood sugar went so low and I couldn't find answers, my tears will always be wiped away and new hope will continue to rise in me as I get stronger and stronger each day.  Many of us face challenges when it comes to losing weight, keeping it off and dealing with the new person underneath.

Let's face it - there will be change.  There has to be change if we don't plan on reverting back to the old us.  For me, that means doing things differently.  That means doing things I may not have been willing to do before.  That means getting out the way and just jumping in one hundred percent of the way.  Today that meant walking almost four miles, that meant weighing and measuring my food, that meant journaling and going to a deep emotional level that I often times try to avoid for fear of feeling pain.  And that most certainly means being open to non-traditional approaches to things in life that may feel uncomfortable for me but that ultimately serve me well.  As a result, here I sit in front of my laptop with a tummy that does not hurt from excess food, a normal blood sugar level after much heavy-duty monitoring and hope in my heart that springs eternal. 

Back to normal

Hi everyone.  I've been offline for a few days.  My dad was visiting from out of town so I wanted to spend the time with him since I don't get to see him very often.  It was a great visit.  I hardly get time alone with just him ... there's always a ton of family around so this was nice.  I had been sending him and my stepmom pictures of my weight loss progress along the way since they live in another state, but that's not the same as what you can see in person.  He was just absolutely floored at the difference in me.  In fact, as much as he appreciated all of my hard work to get to this spot, I felt like I needed to see things through his eyes even more.  My dad has always been a straight shooter.  He never minces words and tells you what he thinks.  When he gives a compliment or says a kind word, it's not because he thinks it's the polite or nice thing to do; he does it because it's what is truly in his heart.  So when he saw me, he said, "You look terrific, kiddo."  I even heard him talking to my stepmom on the phone when I was putting something away in the kitchen, telling her I look like the same Kathy, just much smaller. 

Lately, my head is telling me that I'm as big as ever and nothing was convincing me otherwise.  We are always our own worse critics, that's for sure.  My dad brought me back to reality with a metaphorical kick in the pants ... and I needed it.  Weight loss is more than just about the weight we have lost.  It is an incredibly, incredibly emotional journey.  If it was just about calories in/calories out, we'd all have this made in the shade.  But oh my gosh, it's light years more than just that.  For me, it touches on every dynamic of my life in some way.  The weight has been in control of how I feel about myself, the people around me, my place in this world and just so much more.  Here's a good example:  whenever I would go out to restaurants, I'd avoid going to the booth since I either had to squeeze my body into the seat, cutting off my circulation, or I wouldn't fit at all.  Let me tell you, that moment when you realize you don't fit in front of other patrons who are just staring at you is beyond humiliating.  While my dad was here, we went out to eat several times and I found myself asking him each and every time if he wanted to sit at a table when, in actuality, I was the one that wanted the comfort of the table.  When we'd end up sitting in a booth, I'd hold my breath while sitting down, absolutely sure I wouldn't fit.  Of course I fit just fine, with an incredible amount of room to spare.  There is just so much fear in me at times, perhaps scared that all the weight I've lost is just a figment of my imagination or that any weight gain means I've gained all the weight back.  I can be really silly at times, living in a black and white world.  It was an eye-opening experience watching my dad because I definitely am my father's daughter and he is the mirror image of what I was like back at 417 pounds.  Yet, I could see how much I have changed just being with him.  Things I was unwilling to do before are easily a part of my life now.  I'm willing to try/eat foods I never would have before because they were fat-free, I regularly incorporate exercise in my day and I'm just more open-minded than I used to be.  There's just got to be a middle ground where the two parts of my brain meet.

In terms of my extremely low blood sugar readings, things have improved greatly on that front.  I have been monitoring my numbers religiously and adjusting the types of food that I am eating at my meals as a result.  I mostly have had to increase the amount of carbs I have, which is a hard thing for me to do because I seem to want to fight that.  My brain says I should be eating less carbs, but when I do, I suffer as a result.  My sleep pattern hasn't gotten better, but I feel like if I continue staying the course and follow my doctor's advice when I see her in a week, things will continue to improve. I am not taking the diabetes medication that the clinic gave me until I speak with my doctor.  In fact, I'm no longer following the food plan they gave me once I went back on full-food.  It's just not a good plan for someone who suffers from low blood sugar.  For right now, I'm planning on continuing the weekly sessions at the clinic and going into maintenance when the time comes.  However, I don't know if it's something I'll be doing in the future.  It's still $50 a week to go and part of me wonders if I shouldn't spend the time and money going to see a therapist to help with all the weight issues.  This is not to say my experience with Optifast wasn't wonderful, because it was, but I'm in the second phase of my journey - off the fast, eating real food, getting in real exercise and dealing with the difficulties of keeping the weight off while continuing to lose more.  Trust me when I tell you it is so much easier to be on the fast then off of it.  If you're on it right now and you're anxious to get back to the real world, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this is not easier.  It's different, but definitely not easier.  The continuing support I receive from others walking the same path as I am walking, as well as the love of friends and family, is my rock as I go through all of this.  This blog has also become vitally important to me.  Most of you don't know me personally and will likely never meet me in person - I'm just some person who has written everything down as I walk through life to get to a healthier place - but I can just let my thoughts out here.  Maybe someone reading it understands what I'm going through, but I know that just the act of doing so helps me tremendously.  So, thank you for taking the time to read and commenting when you can.  It means a lot to me and so do all of you.  I mean that sincerely.

Grateful for watchful eyes

Today was a much better day with my blood sugar level in general.  I woke up to a reading of 104, which was perfect.  I had to get some lab work done at Kaiser and then meet a friend for a movie and lunch.  Since I had to be fasting for the lab work, I came home and had a late breakfast afterwards before meeting my friend.  I purposely had more carbs with the breakfast to hopefully not dip too low.  I tested my blood sugar and it was 89 before eating.  Then later, I tested my blood sugar again and it was 150.  That was good.  I figured that it would be fine since I wouldn't be exerting any energy while watching a funny movie (we saw Guilt Trip with Barbara Streisand - funny!).

How wrong I was on that front.

About halfway through the movie, I started sweating.  Those that know me now know I don't sweat any more unless I'm working out hard.  Even when I go walking with Sara, I hardly sweat.  Not for lack of trying, just that it's been a change in my life.  When you take off a significant amount of weight, you sweat less.  Couple the sweating with feeling disoriented, cold, tingling fingers and my body starting to tremble, I knew my blood sugar was starting to dip too low.  But, seriously, it was 150 ... how low could it possibly be after only about two hours?  I left my monitor in the console in my car, so I couldn't test.  I did leave my friend to go into the restroom to splash some water in my face, I think in a vain attempt to shake it off.

After the movie was over, I told her I wasn't feeling too well and could we please just have lunch in one of the places near the movie theater.  She looked at me and asked me what was wrong ... she could tell something was off.  It took everything in me not to burst into tears and tell her my blood sugar was low.  That normally wouldn't be a moment where I'd be crying, but given all the low blood sugar I have been dealing with lately, it was a moment of pure frustration along with the caring concern of a dear friend who has been with me through so much of my life's ups and downs.  We ended up going to a place across the parking lot that used to be Pat & Oscars (now called O's American Kitchen for those that have it in their area).  They have decent food there and I knew it would be relatively quick.  I ordered my meal, which was a half-turkey sandwich, side order of pasta and 2 bread sticks.  I purposely ordered it because I knew it had a good amount of carbs.  Is it just me or is it the weirdest thing in the world that now I'm actually seeking out starches to keep my blood sugar normal?

As we were waiting for our food, she got up and got the napkins, forks and whatever else we would need.  She was doing her best to take care of me and I was letting her, which is so unlike me.  My order came first since we were on two separate checks.  She looked across from me in the booth we were sitting at and ordered me to eat.  Here I was being polite, waiting for her food to arrive to start eating and she said it again, "Eat.  Please!"  I caught her up on what's been going on with my blood sugar and asked her if my disorientation was as noticeable on the outside as I was feeling on the inside.  She looked at me with such concern and simply told me, "Yes, it is."  Why am I so focused on being polite instead of taking care of my needs?  Lord only knows.

I have a busy day tomorrow.  I plan on going for a workout first thing in the morning, meeting a friend for lunch who I haven't seen in several months (so I know it'll be a long lunch), going to church and then meeting another friend for dinner after the service.  The place where I do my workout is right next to a grocery store.  I am committing to going in there and buying Lifesavers or something else that is sugary and putting it in my purse.  I also commit to keeping my blood glucose monitor with me at all times.  I should never be in a situation where hypoglycemia can take over my body.  I was reading up on the condition today and here's what the U.S. National Library of Medicine, a trusted government website, has to say about it:

Symptoms (I'm sure you'll be able to spot mine if you've been reading my posts):
Double or blurry vision; fast or pounding heartbeat; feeling cranky or acting aggressive; feeling nervous; headache; hunger; shaking or trembling; sweating; tingling or numbness of the skin; tiredness or weakness; trouble sleeping; and unclear thinking.

I highlighted in yellow all the symptoms I was experiencing while watching the movie in the theater.  The other symptoms are things I have felt at night.  In fact, this may absolutely explain why I am unable to ever get a good night's sleep.  Hmm, something to think about. 

The website went on to say that if a person's blood sugar gets too low, they may faint, have a seizure and/or go into a coma.  So, obviously, I have to be as absolutely proactive as possible.  I am trying my best at this, I promise I am.  In fact, I think it's time I employ a little philosophy a la Yoda:

"Do or do not.  There is no try."

The truth of the matter is that I am dealing with some very serious medical issues and I can't make light of them to try to minimize their potential effects on my body.  It's not funny that I can possibly go into a coma.  I don't know at what point that happens, but I can know without a doubt that I have either already been on the border of that or at least in the neighborhood within the past two weeks.  I can't describe the out of control feelings I have been having, but there is a great deal of fear that accompanies all of this.  I am trusting in the Lord to help me walk through this and reach out for help as I need it.  Sometimes that's the hardest thing for me to do.  Type A personality strikes again.

Keeping track of what I'm doing

Ah, I already miss the days when I was solely on the Optifast products.  There was no thinking involved.  I had six shakes a day, the occasional soups and everything was very regimented.  I had no problem following what was prescribed because, seriously, how could I screw it up?  That's probably why I found it so easy to do for months and months until I did the modified fast and then, finally, the full-fast.

Don't get me wrong ... I am not second-guessing my decision to go off the products and onto weight loss the old-fashioned way through diet and exercise.  I just miss the absolute simplicity.  Now I'm sort of relearning some things and how I will continue living healthfully with diabetes or without diabetes (we're just not sure where I stand these days with all of that).  Today my blood sugar levels were better.  The lowest I got was 59 in the middle of the night, which was low, but the lowest it got today during the day after that was 70.  Of course, I had to manipulate my food intake to get myself there.  When it was 59 this morning, I had to have products with sugar in them to regulate it.  That was really hard to do because every fiber of my being was fighting it.  I didn't want to do it.  I thought maybe if I just stuck my head in the sand, it would magically get better.  Naive?  For sure!  Clicking my heels together three times also doesn't work, just in case you were wondering.

Since I track my food, I logged in the products and calories I had to get my blood sugar normal.  It took 793 calories of sugar to not only get me normal this morning but stay there.  Let me tell you, it was a sickening experience.  In fact, throughout the day, I remembered that feeling this morning and made sure to have more carbs when I ate because I didn't want to repeat that low blood sugar again.  I also didn't take the diabetes medication this morning.  I have decided that I'm going to do the best I can to not take it, at least until I see my doctor for advice, and just monitor where I'm at a lot during the day.  So here's how I did:

• 2:30 a.m. - woke up to a blood sugar of 59 so I had those 793 calories to regulate starting here and lasting for the next 4 hours
• 3:13 a.m. - 70
• 4:21 a.m. - 70
• 6:43 a.m. - 90 finally in the normal range (normal fasting four hours after eating is 80-120)
• 8:49 a.m. - 100 had a mid-morning snack of carbs before heading out for the day
• 2:01 p.m. - 71 after lunch, starting to get in the danger zone again, didn't have many carbs with my meal
• 3:34 p.m. - 91 after a mid-afternoon snack
• 5:17 p.m. - 81 pre-workout, had 3 servings of carbs before hitting the gym since I knew I would dip low because of the exercise
• 9:05 p.m. - 95 right after dinner, the level will raise within the next several hours but I made sure to have plenty of carbs with my meal
• 11:05 p.m. - 106 given I just had dinner two hours ago, it's actually a little low - it should be about 140-160 two-four hours after a meal but we'll see how it fares by the time I wake up in the morning

Yes, I was obsessively pricking my finger but you would be, too, if you had to go through what I did to regulate my blood sugar, not only today but the last several days.  If you're not a diabetic, please count your blessings that you don't have to go through this stuff.  Being too high or too low with the numbers produces effects in your body that are not pleasant.  In fact, when I was on the treadmill at the gym, I was worried the entire time about possibly being too low and potentially passing out on the conveyor belt (talk about having a big imagination!).  If you are a pre-diabetic, do whatever you can to not cross the line.  Believe me when I tell you that's it's worth all the extra effort not to turn into a full-blown diabetic.

Like I said when I started writing this, the days of the fast were so much easier!  I did buy a couple of books while I was at a bookstore today that will help me with counting my calories and carbs, as well as not having foods that have a high glycemic index.  

This first book lists practically every food out there, including combination foods.  It tells you all the nutritional information, including how many exchanges of a carb, protein, etc. it has.  Sometimes when I look online, there is so much wrong information that I really can't trust the nutritional info out there.  This is invaluable if you're tracking your food, which I find to be a necessary practice as I continue in my weight loss.  It also explains how someone who is a diabetic should be eating.

The second book has some recipes of foods that are considered to be in the low glycemic index category.  If you're not familiar with what the glycemic index is, every food has a number from 1-100 that tells how fast it will be converted into pure sugar within your body.  The higher the number, the faster the spike in your blood sugar.  There are some foods that are low and some that are high. For example, a serving of Cornflakes has a rating of 83, which is considered high.  Crazy, huh?  It also has a section in the book that breaks down how to use this info when selecting foods that keep our bodies on an even keel with blood sugar. 

Keeping track of what I'm doing is essential for me to continue being healthy and doing what is right for my body.  I wish I could be one of those people who can be so loosey goosey on just eating whatever food they want, healthy or not.  For now, I need to monitor religiously, just like I am doing with my blood sugar levels.  I want so badly to continue being a success story, not just another sad statistic.