Be the change

I have been crazy busy at work.  Those that work with me know this is an awful time of yeare, as it is for most folks that work in a busy school.  I am in charge of our end of the year senior awards ceremony, from start to finish.  No one has any real idea what it takes to pull that off, but let's just say that I'm shocked I make it out alive every year!  Beyond that, it's not the only thing I do.  A lot of activity gets kicked up for me because students are panicking to talk to me about community college, I get inundated with work permits for the summer, parents decide now is the time to ask questions so that they can "prepare over the summer", etc.  My question is why everyone waits until I'm at my busiest to ask??  Oh well, gotta love it.  In about three-ish weeks, I'll be off for the summer, so really, truly, no complaining.

I have been coming off the high of my graduation.  I have to say I rode an incredible roller

coaster full of very different emotions.  First off, this is an entirely huge, gigantic feat in my life.  It took me an incredibly long time to finish because I could only take a couple of classes at a time for quite a while, at times having to drop classes because the supervisor I worked with at the time was the devil roaming around the earth.  She made it very difficult for me to move forward.  I only really kicked it up in the last few years since being in such a supportive environment.  Even so, I work full time and my major required knowing a lot of theories and doing a lot of reading.  I'm not complaining, just saying that it is a major accomplishment for me.  I wrote previously about the drama surrounding my dear brother.  Oh my brother - how my heart aches for this whole situation. Somehow, on the day of the commencement, I was able to put my feelings of disappointment quietly in a box off to the side.  It took effort, but I didn't want anything to spoil that beautiful day.  I couldn't let my mind be elsewhere because I knew, when it was time, that I would deal with the feelings again. 

My day on Saturday started out with the biggest surprise.  Sara had come over to my house at 6 a.m., full of mystery.  I knew she was bringing over a graduation gift, but I had no idea what it was.  I thought maybe it was a lei to wear with my gown, but I really didn't know what to expect.  She came into my bedroom as I was blow-drying my hair and asked me to come out to the living room because she wanted me to meet someone who was part of my gift.  Okay, Sarah, at this point I wondered if you were bringing a man into my house or what the heck was going on!!  She had arranged for a person to do my make-up for the day.  While that other woman worked on my face, Sarah straightened my hair.  So I was pretty much being pampered.  That was a pretty fantastic way to start out such a lovely day.   She even brought music with her.  Seriously, I thought you were trying to make me cry on purpose while I was having my make-up done.  This Girl's On Fire was the one that almost did it for me.  But I held it together.

My dad and stepmom had come into town from Utah.  My mother was there, proud as punch.  I had some friends attend the ceremony as well.  It was long and I was extremely uncomfortable in the chairs, but I wouldn't take the memories of that day away.  Afterwards, one of my other friends had a little get-together at her house.  I felt special and incredibly loved.  It wasn't until I was in the car with my mom, when she started to talk about my brother, that I broke down in tears.  The day was perfect, but the one glaring hole was this brother of mine who was absent.  My mother saw me crying in the car as I was trying to drive down the road, which made her cry.  I don't care how old your children get, you hurt when they hurt.  Turns out that my mother called my brother and chewed him out on Monday.  She not only was hurt, but she was pissed off.  I hadn't gotten to that point - I was more hurt that really anything else.  He lied to her and told her he forgot, which I knew was BS because of other circumstances.  So, while I was at work, I got this text from him on Monday:

Congrats Kathy wish I could have made.  Had to work this weekend got to finish my job by this Thursday hope everything went well.

So I immediately called her and asked her if she talked to him, which she said she had.  I asked her what happened in their conversation because of the text I just got from him.  She basically told him he would be contacting me, no discussion at all.   He was on her list and she just wasn't happy with him.  That's exactly what I wanted to know.  I needed to know if his message to me was because he genuinely felt bad he wasn't there or because my mom forced him to apologize to me like he did when we would have a fight when we were growing up.  I told her, before this happened, that I was done with him.  It is over 16 years of selfishness, self-centeredness and just basically being used by him that his not even trying to make an effort to go to my graduation was my line in the sand.  This event was a very big deal to me.  While I was so upset in the car, I told her I would have paid for an airline ticket if he couldn't afford to drive from Vegas to San Diego (about a 5 hour drive).  That's how it meant to me for him to be there.  I was there when he had his heart transplant, when he needed to borrow money and any other time he needed me.  It is the one and only thing I have asked him for in 16 years.  Instead of saying he couldn't/wouldn't come, he lied to both my mother and I.  He's also not speaking to my dad, again, for selfish reasons.  So I saw my dad in utter pain when he talked about him.  To me, as flawed as my dad is, don't mess with him.  That's my dad and I'll have no one treating less than fantastic.   

I really hate family drama, but it happens to a lot of us.  Now, given that I'm a few days past the ceremony, I do have to say that seeing myself in pictures from the graduation and after-party was like 50  stabs into my chest.  I know I have gained weight since getting off Optifast.  I have acknowledged that and I'm trying the best I can to regroup and start losing again.  Yes, I have had an insane amount of medical challenges, with two more things that have come up, and so it's been a very difficult time for me especially when the medication has contributed to the weight gain to a certain extent.  And I have not helped it.  I have not been feeling great so I have a tiny amount of food for breakfast, generally don't eat the rest of the day and then have dinner where I can feel sick afterwards at home.  I know in my heart something is wrong and I do have an appointment with my doctor coming up in a few weeks, but I'm just sort of tired seeing doctor after doctor that I haven't been pushing the issue too much. 

This weight loss things has been difficult.  I lost sooo much weight on Optifast.  At my smallest, I think I had lost 190 pounds in 10 months or something like that.  It was pretty crazy.   I thank God that I have not regained all the weight back, but pictures tell a thousand words.  When I compare my present pictures to my smallest-size pictures, it is so heart-breaking.  I'll post some pictures below so that you can see what I'm talking about.  Compare those to the pics of me at my smallest size in the "pics of progress" page at the top of this blog.  You'll see what I mean by pain.

The night before the ceremony, taking pics for the sign below.

My friend put this on her garage so that people
knew where to come for the after-party.

Greeting the president of the university on stage.

As I appeared on the jumbo tron.There were 10,000+ people at the event,
so they had to have a way for everyone to see.

My mom on the left, my friend Diane and me
after the 3-hour ceremony was over.

All I felt when I looked at this picture was incredible shame ...
I never realized how much weight has come back on as is evident here.

There is so much right stuff in my life, but the weight issues really sucker-punch me.  I was upset yesterday.  Then I heard the most amazing quote:

Where I heard this was I was looking online at graduate programs, which I will hopefully be starting in the fall.  One of those programs is Azusa Pacific University.  They have a graduate center in the San Diego area and I'm really excited about their program for so many different reasons.  They had posted online a speech made at a commencement ceremony a couple of years ago.  The speaker, who is on the board at APU, talked about the day her husband died and how she had no choice but to pick herself up and walk on.  So she talked about this quote, but she combined two together to make it much more powerful than it already was:

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do ... through Christ who strengthens us."

In that moment, I realized I am light years stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.  Is this weight thing kicking my butt?  Well, yes.  Will it destroy me?  No, it won't, because God won't let that happen if I allow Him in enough to strengthen me.  I have professed my faith on here many times before and I still am guided by it.  There are major challenges in front of me with all the medical issues going on in addition to weight, but hope from the Father is what lets me know that I can make it through.  Two years ago to the day, I was called by my dermatologist at  7:00 in the morning and told that the biopsy I just had completed was indeed cancer.  Not only that, it was melanoma ... the deadliest form of skin cancer.  I knew that if I didn't have the surgery, I would die.  Not could die - would die.  It was an incredibly scary time for me.  But God was the one that gave me the much needed courage to face this challenge.  I ended up having half my back opened up and sutured up with 30+ staples just to remove the cancer cells.  I tell you what, there aren't too many things in your life as frightening as being told that you have cancer and that you must operate to live.  As I was going through this difficult time, I was incredibly brave but would stand in my shower, crouch down in the corner and cry.  I felt like a helpless infant, not sure what direction to go in and feeling scared of whatever laid in front of me.

So here I am, attempting to be as real today as I have always been.  With that said, as much as this pains me, I'm going to update my weight on my counter up above.  I have gained a substantial amount of weight since the last time and I just need to stay more accountable.  This is not to shame me, but to help me remember that I don't walk in this alone.  No matter what, I know there are people that love me and want me around for a long time.  I have to have these medical issues addressed and I need to remember that food does not take pain away ... it only enhances problems by making more problems. Oh Lord, hear my plea for your grace today.

I'm still here!

Hi everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted in a bit.  I have been trying to focus on my last few weeks of school and not procrastinating on getting done what I need to do.  With my commencement ceremony coming up in a few weeks, I've realized time has really been flying for me. 

Let's see, on the whole I'm doing pretty well.  I had some side affects with medication, so we've had to do some adjustments.  Including all the supplements I take, I've got a pretty significant pile of pills I'm taking every day.  However, at least I have the option of taking those medications.  Some people are not so fortunate and I do get that.  I still do have lots of pain, but I am learning to work with the pain and know that I'm doing the absolute best I can to take care of myself.  I started seeing a new physical therapist yesterday, so I'm hoping that process will help with pain management.

One thing that was a little difficult for me was I was scrolling through some of my pictures on my phone and caught some that were taken several months ago when I was dealing with major hair loss while I was on Optifast.  I could see the difference in my weight from that time until now and I started to focus on that.  This weight gain has been difficult on a level I can't adequately describe and it's been so hard to not have the constant reminders of where I am right now.  Oh how I miss the days when I was smaller.  It's funny ... when I was at that smaller size, I remember thinking that I had sooo much weight left to lose.  Now I would give almost anything to be back there.  Perspective is everything, isn't it?  I am working very hard to be in the moment and to know that if I'm doing what I need to do, the weight will continue to be released at whatever pace is right and healthy for me.  Nothing will be like the experience I had on Optifast and that has to be okay.  People lose weight in many different ways and we all have unique journeys as part of the process.

I am making a promise that I won't stay away so long next time.  And if I do, please, send me an e-mail or post a message saying it's been too long.  This is where I need to be to talk about the things that have led me to eating - good, bad or indifferent.  It's very easy to be quiet, even when it's not for negative reasons.  I've seen plenty of people really active on their blogs and then just disappear into cyberspace.  That's not my intention at all.  I've got my finals next week and then two research papers due the week after that.  Then I'll be putting on my cap and gown.  That will be an incredibly emotional day for me, especially given the adventure ride I've been on to get there.  But I'll be there with my family cheering me on and then having a fun celebration afterwards.  I'll definitely post pictures so everybody can see.  They're even streaming it live online.  The technology cracks me up ... I can't even pick my nose without the world seeing it.  Ha ha!  Okay, so I wouldn't pick my nose, just sayin ;-)

The story of imperfection

I'm happy to report that I had no incidents of low blood sugar today.  Yay!  That wasn't the case yesterday morning, unfortunately.  I woke up in the middle of the night again with a reading of 53.  The good thing I can say about the lows is that, thank God, they are not as low as I was when I hit 38.  It's still frustrating, don't get me wrong.  The tough thing that I have been experiencing with having these low blood sugar readings is that I so desperately want to move forward with losing weight again and being in a healthier space.  I admit here that the weight gain has broken my spirit in some senses.  I was going along fine until October-ish.  That's when the weight loss was stopping, then I had medication changes that caused significant weight gain, I was on the modified fast and I started eating to deal with emotions with all the medical challenges I have had going on.  This is so hard for me because my mind and my body are acting separately.  On one hand, my body is in a lot of pain in my legs, back and arms.  I'm dealing with low blood sugar from diabetes and I'm pretty much in pain in every waking moment.  I try to handle it the best I can by being silent about it and powering through, but make no mistake, I'm in pain.  Then, on the other hand, my mind tells me I can do anything I want to do so get out there and just do it.  If I did it before, I can do it again.  Somewhere in the middle of that is my heart that aches for relief from the frustration and I'm asking God why, when I want to get healthy so badly, there are such huge roadblocks in front of me.  Even with the weight gain, it's not a little weight gain, it's a lot.  I know there's a purpose for all of this, I just can't see it right now.

It's hard facing the reality of my situation, but I am here, dealing with it and being as honest as I know how to be because putting on a false front gets me nowhere except maybe eating to cover up feelings.  I am not going to slink away from posting what's going on as I try my best to move forward.  I see so many blogs of people who, while they were doing great, were posting all the time and then all of a sudden everything stopped.  I completely understand why someone does that, though ... it would be great if we could all report positive, happy things all the time, something like, "I got on Optifast and dropped 250 pounds.  And when I finished the fast, I had no problems transitioning back onto food and had no cravings. Now I run marathons and am normal." Hmm, what is normal, anyway?  A new healthier way of life does not just happen by osmosis.  It takes a lot of work, sacrifice and significant change over the course of our lives, not just the course of 20 weeks, 40 weeks or beyond.  The change is not just about the food we eat, but also why we eat and learning new ways of doing things.

Today I spent some time moving some of the clothes that are too tight on me now because of the weight gain into the closet in my guest room.  I could have kept them there in my closet as a reminder to myself everyday of what I am capable of doing since I got down to that size in the first place.  Yet, what I have been doing in actuality is berating myself and being incredibly critical of how everything looks on me now.  It actually is a more positive move for me to relocate those clothes temporarily into another room while I do the work of taking care of myself and my health.  I don't want to spend time each and every day judging myself for the weight gain and staying in a space of negativity.  That just doesn't do anything good for me.  Instead, I want to own where I'm at and really work towards more healing.  In time, those clothes will come back and it will be okay.  It happens by me taking baby steps, just like I did in the beginning.  I remember the days, when I first started, where I could barely walk a few blocks without getting winded and sweating a lot.  Even though I'm in pain now, I am able to do several miles at a time with no problem and actually enjoy it.  Tomorrow I'll be doing my usual Sunday walk with Sara, which I always look forward to.  We'll probably walk around 4 miles, which is what we've been doing lately.  I like that.  I want to continue doing things that celebrate positivity, knowing I have the inner strength to move mountains.  I've done it many times in my life before.  I used to weigh 420 pounds at my absolute highest.  I'm nowhere near that weight today, so I can't forget to celebrate that major achievement and to stop judging myself for being an imperfect human being. 

Everything but the kitchen sink

A lot has happened since I last posted on Sunday.  After leaving the message for my Optifast counselor on Sunday to talk about my decision to return to full food, I waited all day on Monday to hear back from him but he never did call back, which made me mad.  Part of that was because I had worked myself up to call and never to hear back from him made me feel as though I were unimportant and the other because it was a pretty big phone call (at least to me).  So I ended up going to my class and was thinking about what I would say.

I went straight to the medical office when I arrived.  That's where the physician's assistants are.  Two of them greeted me with a big smile and a "Here comes my favorite patient!"  I told them about the decision I had made to go back to full food and why.  Instead of receiving push back from them, they were super supportive.  Wow, not what I expected at all.  They then went to get my counselor so that he could be involved in this conversation.  He did receive my call, so we talked about where I go from here.  There was also no push back from him.  Double wow.  They said I would have to go into a maintenance class since I was no longer on product.  However, I wouldn't have to do that for a while.  I was concerned about the other people in the group because they are still on the fast and didn't want to make them uncomfortable.  [Look at me always worried about other people when I should be worried about myself.]  My counselor was really encouraging and told me that I have something very special to share with the group so he would like me to stay with them.  Of course that's what I want to do, too.  So I shared with the group what's going on and they were all very supportive about me continuing on with them.  Of course they were ... I honestly, down deep in my heart, didn't expect anything less.  I think it was just fear I was feeling about being off the shakes.

After everybody left when the class ended, my counselor sat with me and went over my new food plan.  I am now at 1200 calories a day and have certain servings per group, like so many proteins, veggies, grains, etc.  Even though 1200 calories may not seem like a lot of food to some people, I was having about 500 calories a day on the shakes since I was in ketosis, so it feels like a whole lot of food.  I mean, my servings of veggies are 7 in a day.  Who eats 7 servings of veggies in a day?  In fact, my first cup of salad is a "freebie" so that doesn't even count.  So anyway, I have a worksheet that I'll be filling out every day and I do list everything on My Fitness Pal because it counts all the calories, fat grams and whatever else for me.  For now, this is what I need to do.  There will be a time when I won't be counting any of these things because everything will be standard for me, but I'm relearning how to eat again, except in a healthy way this time.  I'm just as committed to this portion of the program as I was to taking the shakes.  My counselor said it would be best for me to plan my meals ahead of time.  Additionally, if I make a change and want to swap a food out, I have to write two paragraphs as to why before doing so.  That would make anyone not want to make a change!

The class itself was both horrible and wonderful at the same time.  My weigh-in was awful.  Remember that it's been two weeks since I weighed in. I gained 33 pounds.  That sent me into an emotional tailspin, let me tell you.  Not too long ago, I gained 30 pounds in two weeks.  Even if I was binging every day, I have never gained that much weight in my life in such a short period of time.  In that time frame, I had another medication change (actually four changes).  I also had severely increased my sodium intake because I was trying to get rid of the dizziness I have been having since February and I was also sick, both with a cold and tummy issues.  I was just so frustrated with the constant dizziness and feeling like I was going to pass out, so I decided to see if this would help.  It didn't and caused some major water retention.  In fact, there was swelling around my ankles as evidence and the ring on my finger was snug when before it had been practically falling off.  We even had a discussion in our group about stories of people retaining a ton of water, through no fault of their own.  In addition, there were a couple of times during those two weeks when I didn't make the best choices because I wasn't eating at all during the day due to my upset tummy sickness and would make up for it in the evening before going to bed.  Long story short, up 33 pounds. I can't express how difficult it is for me to even write that, let lone accept it.  Sometimes this whole venture has felt like one thing after another being thrown at me.  I'm trying hard to hold my head up high through all of it, though.  I'm not going to hide anything from myself, let alone you.  I already can tell the difference today with the medication change and reduction in sodium ... my ring is incredibly loose again.  I pray it's only down, down, down from here.  Oh, and the dizziness I have had all these months?  It's now gone since I'm back on full food again.  I'm telling you - I've been through the gamut in the last several months and I'm ready for things to no longer be crazy.

Now, on to the wonderful part of the group.  As I was sitting alone with the counselor and we finished going over my new food plan, we had a really good talk about my progress.  In fact, we talked for an hour.  He told me the reason that he calls on me during every class is because he feels I'm inspirational, insightful and have such a great story to tell.  The fact is, even with the weight gain, I have lost a crazy amount of weight.  I told him that I don't like being put on a pedestal though, which he definitely understood.  However, I also need to celebrate this huge success so far and now that I'm back on food again, I can continue walking towards my goal of continuing to be healthy, while losing weight at the same time.  He does feel that my goal weight is a bit too low for my height, but we can gauge it as we get closer.  He did express to me how grateful he is that I'm in his class and taking steps to have a healthy life.  It was a great talk and I was incredibly touched.

Earlier that day, I received a call from the worker's comp medical examiner's office and they want me to go for a MRI tomorrow.  If you have been reading other parts of my blog, you may recall a post I wrote about not fitting in the machine and having to reschedule my appointment so that I could go to an open MRI machine.  That was the same month I started the program, back in February.  By that point, I had already lost 26 pounds, so I weighed in at 391 pounds at the time.  So when the receptionist was getting info from me and she asked me how much I weighed yesterday, I wondered silently if I would fit in the machine this time.  Obviously things are different and I'm much smaller than I was at 391 pounds, but that's where my head went.  I didn't say anything, just booked the appointment.  She said someone would be calling me today to confirm the time, address, etc.

Fast forward to today.  I received a call confirming the MRI appointment.  She gave me directions on the phone and I thought to myself, I wonder if this is the same place I went to before.  The address seemed oddly familiar, but I didn't really pay any attention to that.  I hung up the phone and about five seconds later, I received this call:

MRI Office:  Hi Kathryn.  This is Cecilia again.  I just wanted to let you know that you have been here before.  This is the same office where we tried to do your cervical MRI but couldn't. 

Me:  Oh, okay.  Well, see you tomorrow.  Shit, it was the same place.

About ten seconds later comes another call from them.

MRI Office:  Hi Kathryn.  Sorry, but this is Cecilia again.  The technician wants to know if you are heavier than you were the last time you came in here in February.

Me:  Excuse me?  Did she just seriously ask me that when they already knew how much I weighed from the appointment setter yesterday?  And, really, did she just ask me that regardless?  I can't believe I'm having this conversation with them.

MRI Office:  Yes, the technician wants to know if you've gained more weight since last time because, if you have, we can't do it.

Me:  No, I have NOT gained any more weight.  In fact, I have lost a lot of weight.

MRI Office:  Okay, so you haven't gained any more weight?

Me:  No, I am not heavier than I was before.  Click. 

Are they freaking kidding me?  They can't possibly know how humiliating that first experience was to have some man who doesn't even know me size me up with one look and tell me I was too big only to have that exchange on the telephone today.  Part of me wants to tell them off for having such a callous conversation with me on the phone and the audacity to do so.  The other part of me wants to show up tomorrow and watch them as they react to my smaller body.  I left the office to head off to lunch with such a big lump in my throat.  I felt like a second-class citizen who needed the approval of some jerk sizing up my body.  I get that these machines are only so big, but then do your homework before you call me.  They already knew my size, so why have such a rude phone conversation with me?  I felt not good enough.  Tomorrow morning I get to find out if I fit in their precious machine.  This is the humiliation that comes with being a larger person in the world.  Talk about being judged for your outside cover.  Not only that, but it is readily accepted in society to discriminate against large people.  That is why my resolve is so strong to be successful now that I am back on the food one hundred percent.  I don't want to be the butt of any fat joke any longer.  It's just makes a person feel as though they just don't matter in this world.