tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3950134006305907442024-03-18T21:18:25.451-07:00Now is Finally the TimeJourney to finding my healthy selfKathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.comBlogger535125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-5891114941686915602015-04-12T21:54:00.001-07:002015-04-12T21:54:48.985-07:00End of my week offHi everyone. This past week has been pretty awesome. I got to have Spring Break from both my job and grad school, so it was truly a vacation. I spent a week having lunch with friends, doing things around the county, and just getting in some sleep. Speaking of sleep, I got the results of my sleep study in earlier during the week. If you'll recall, I participated in another sleep study at the end of last week to determine if I still have sleep apnea after having the gastric bypass. I just was struggling with sleeping on the CPAP and I always have so my sleep doctor recommended that we do another study. I am beyond thrilled to let you all know that the results of the sleep study showed, drumroll please, I NO LONGER HAVE SLEEP APNEA! You read that right, it's gone. Sorry for the shouty capital letters but I think it was appropriate. The only way possible to reverse sleep apnea, and this doesn't happen all the time, is by weight loss. I went from being classified as having severe sleep apnea to no obstruction at all. Talk about wanting to do a jig after I found out. <div><br></div><div>Sometimes I really do struggle emotionally with my feelings after having had weight loss surgery. Difficult emotions rise up and you're forced to deal with them otherwise you return to old patterns. I didn't sacrifice everything I did to have this life-altering surgery just to throw it down the drain. So I have to walk through tough feelings, like not being able to eat most meat without wanting to throw up, some hair loss (although not nearly as bad as others) or the excess skin that is here with all of the weight loss. However, I have an amazing support system in my life that lets me know I'm not alone and that I'm very much loved. That means so much to me. I'm continuing to do good things for myself, like having great workouts at the gym. The surgery was a tool but I still have work to do. I wish I could explain that in a way people can truly understand. It's not the easy way out. Honestly, it's much more difficult. My anatomy is different now and it always will be. I'm not complaining, just expressing this wasn't an easy decision but one that has literally saved my life. I'm really grateful.</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-55858465536537217962015-04-04T08:04:00.001-07:002015-04-04T08:04:57.941-07:00End of a quarter, sleep study and finding my sizeHi everyone. I've had a lot going on since my last post. I finished another quarter of grad school, which was a horrible bear at the end. I had five papers and a PowerPoint presentation that I had to submit, all within a few days of each other. There's a point, when you're writing so many papers, that you just can't think any more. I wondered how good my work really was going to be after it was all said and done. I haven't gotten grades back from one of my classes yet, but I ended up getting an A in my other class. Woo hoo! I've got a 4.0 GPA since I started grad school and I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for that. Nine week sessions go by so fast, especially when it's advanced work and I'm driving a long distance each time to make it happen. I love my program, though. It feels exactly like what I should be doing. I'm now on Spring Break from that and then start my next round of classes a week from Monday. I'm also off of work at the same time for our Spring Break at school, so I get to truly relax. I have a lot of get-togethers planned with friends and not thinking about working or studying.<br />
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A couple of days ago, I participated in another sleep study. This one is to determine if the sleep apnea I have been diagnosed with is now gone since I've lost so much weight since the gastric bypass was done. I dreaded doing the sleep study because I could not sleep to save my life with all the things they have you hooked up to. Just imagine what I had to sleep with ... you have a lanyard you're supposed to put over your neck and then tighten. Attached to it is a device about the length of an iPhone 6+ or Galaxy and the width is probably about five inches or so. That lays on the middle of your chest plate. Attached to it are five chords. Two get hooked in to a belt you have strapped across your chest, two get hooked in to a belt strapped around your waist and the last one leads to a device you have to insert into your nostrils. For that part of it, you have to take four Band-Aids and stick them to the chord and your face so it doesn't move around in the middle of the night. Then you also have another chord that leads to a device that straps around one of your fingers. The machine then tells you if everything is hooked up correctly. If it is, you may go to sleep and have a restful night of dreaming. Oh, and if you're a tummy sleeper like me, you have to slide everything around to your back without unhooking any of the chords or belts. Sure, restful night of sleep my ass!! I'll find out next week what the verdict is. I cannot sleep with the CPAP machine ever since I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, so I really pray I no longer have it.<br />
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The other day, after I went to the Sleep Clinic to get the device for the sleep study, I went over to Lane Bryant in hopes of getting some t-shirts that I can work out in. Everything I wear to the gym is just way too big on me. I'm forever exposing my sports bra because my shirts keep sliding off my shoulder. So when I went in there, I grabbed some shirts and went to try them on. When I had my gastric bypass, I was wearing a 30/32 size. I know I'm smaller now, but my head still is not in the game. The pants I fit into now are an 18/20 but I still choose to wear the 22/24's. On the top, I'm bigger. So, when I went into the dressing room, I grabbed 26/28's, figuring that is smaller than I used to be. When I tried them on, they were waaaay too big. I'm down more than 100 pounds since the surgery ... of course they're going to be too big! So I ended up buying 22/24's. Honestly, those are still too big because when I put the tops on at home, I was still swimming in them. This surgery is more than just losing the weight, there's an emotional component to it as well. The surgeon didn't fit what's going on inside my head around all of this. That part is going to take just as much work to conquer as workouts do at the gym. I know I'll get there but there are growing pains along the way. The flip side of this, though, is I'd rather have the problem of dealing with a shrinking body than a growing one.Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-3505937834613133312015-03-24T22:06:00.000-07:002015-03-24T22:06:32.394-07:00Tuesday was a great dayWhat, two posts from me in a week? Something must be in the water. I had a really good day. It was a busy one for me at work, but in the middle of it, I asked my friend to snap a full-length photo of me because I haven't taken one in a while. Here's a comparison pic. The purple is me about a year ago and the black is me today.<br />
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I am working hard at staying in positive light and moving forward with taking good care of myself, not only physically but emotionally, too. Sometimes that's not the easiest thing in the world, but seeing where I've come from, like in the pic, gives me great perspective. I tend to focus on the work I have yet to do. However, when I do that, I forget how absolutely far I have come. And it has been really far. Light years. That doesn't mean I'm completely not the girl in the purple shirt, just a happier, more confident version. When I was at the gym tonight, that place was absolutely hopping. My shirt was completely drenched in sweat because I was working hard and instead of feeling like I didn't belong there, I knew in my soul there was a place for me there just like everyone else. I was actually chuckling to myself because some guy was blatently checking me out while I was working on one of the bars in the stretching area. I was doing this exercise where you hold onto the bar (looks like a silver ballet bar attached to the wall) with one hand, then kick as high as you can forward with the other leg and then land your foot behind you in a pivoting motion, only to repeat the process again. I was doing a couple of sets of 15 on each leg and this guy was near me working on an arm machine. Except he wasn't working, he was watching my long legs do their thing. More like staring really. I felt like saying something smart to him, but I refrained. Oh, I just remembered something more than awesome that happened this morning that completely slipped my mind until just now. This girl, who used to weigh 420 pounds, can now use a regular-sized towel to dry off when taking a shower. I always had the bigger bath towels that were more like beach towels because regular ones wouldn't wrap around me. I was still using them, assuming I was too big for the other ones, but they were in the dryer so I was forced to try to use a regular one and that bad boy wrapped around my smaller body with no problem. How crazy is that? Those out there reading this who have been forced to use bigger towels can especially appreciate how amazing this is. I'm grateful for the good day I had.Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-28442849190922793642015-03-22T08:45:00.000-07:002015-03-22T08:53:16.400-07:00New beginnings<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
Hi everyone! I didn't realize it had actually been a month since I posted, but an anonymous person left me a message asking where I was. Thank you, friend. I seriously didn't realize it had been that long. I haven't meant to not give my blog that much time in the last few months. It has been a very important part of my journey, a place where I can be honest about feelings and emotions as I go through my weight loss and life. Perhaps that's why I haven't been writing, because it's the very thing that helps me search my soul. That's something I seriously need to think about. I promise myself, and you, that I'm not abandoning my blog. In fact, I need to kick up posting here routinely again. I know, I've said this before but honestly the benefits are so substantial that I need to do it. After I'm done posting this, I'll put a calendar reminder on my phone. Maybe <em>that</em> will help me get my butt in gear.</div>
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Today is officially seven months since I got the gastric bypass done. In so many ways, the time has flown by. In other ways, it has been creeping by. Things are so much different for me now since the surgery. It not only rearranged my insides and helped me lose 100 pounds since the surgery (yahoo!), but it has really affected my outlook on life. Don't worry though, they have been positive things for me. I am a much stronger person who goes after things that I might have been too shy or afraid to do before. Sometimes that hasn't always worked out, but life is all about taking risks to get rewards. Putting your neck out there isn't the easiest thing. One thing, for example, has been dating. What a scary thing to do for a lot of people, but even more so for a person who has always had a weight problem, feeling insecure about her looks and attractiveness to men, and losing weight at the same time. I've met some men who I have dated, others who are examples of the negative side of online dating and everything in between. I was recently dating someone who got very intense very fast with me and ended up asking me for money while professing love. No, I didn't give him money (I'm a smarter girl than that) and, yes, I ended our relationship. It wasn't easy because I had feelings for him, but it's what I knew was the right thing to do for myself. So, I'm single ... again. I'm taking a little break from dating for a bit after that one. When I think about it, though, my ability to have so many men interested must mean I'm not as ugly as my fat-girl head wants me to believe I am. Sure, some may have had ulterior motives, but I'm still attractive enough to get attention from interested people. <br>
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Yesterday I went and got another tattoo. I'm 43 years old and always wanted tattoos, but I suppose I never had the courage to go after them because of the pain I imagined in my mind, the fact that they are permanent and I also probably cared way too much about what my parents think. They are both very conservative and have voiced negative opinions about them in the past so I knew they wouldn't be supportive. But, like I mentioned above, the surgery changed so much in me and I have come to realize this life is way too short. The last tattoo I got was the butterfly on my back flying away from my surgery date. I always get compliments on that one when people see it. Obviously I love it. The one I got yesterday is a cherry blossom on my leg. Cherry blossoms are delicate and cherished for their beauty. Think about when cherry blossoms bloom on the east coast and how much they are adored. They signify new beginnings, new life, strength and beauty. That's what I'm all about these days. I'm going to post some pics below so that you can see the process I went through to get the tat. It took four hours, but I had the banter of two special friends, as well as the tattoo artist, so the time flew by. Yes, it was painful. My leg even had involuntary reflexes when he inked certain parts but I managed just fine. It actually wasn't bad overall, just some parts, particularly when he was doing the outlining and the fact that it was near or on top of big bones. I'm absolutely thrilled with the outcome. Maybe next time I'll make it to more than three months before I get my next tat. No guarantees, though :)<br>
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Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-90727948417390571322015-02-17T22:43:00.000-08:002015-02-17T22:43:10.870-08:00Working itThings have been going well. Both my father and brother are out of the hospital, thank you, God. My father now has about two months of recovery at home before they re-do the hip replacement. He is in very good spirits and has such a positive attitude. I respect him so much for having the strength to get through everything he has been dealing with without breaking down. He had a hip replacement that got infected, had the hip replacement removed, a spacer inserted, has been in the hospital six separate times, rehab for the last six weeks or so and then has to have the hip replacement redone. My brother has been put on new medication and they are hoping this will work instead of having a new heart transplant done. If not, he will go back on the list in a few months. I continue to pray daily for my family.<br />
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I started working with my personal trainer. She is just so awesome and it was such a great decision on my part. I'll be working with her for three months. We will be checking my weight and measurements every three weeks. I shared with her my experience of having weight loss surgery and my attempts of weight loss. She was in awe of me and actually told me that I was an inspiration to her. Wow, I had to pick my jaw off the floor. I started a separate page on here for all of my strength training workouts if you'd like to follow along or at least get the benefit of a personal trainer without having to pay for it. There's a link for it at the top of the page. I'm doing things with her that has taken every ounce of courage to do in the middle of the gym. When people work with personal trainers, others in the gym watch. It's a very big gym so this isn't easy. One time I was doing cardio while she was training someone else and I swear every pair of eyes was looking in the corner where she was doing the training and watching. Yet, I don't let that stop me. I've even done weight lifting in the section where all the men with muscles do the majority of their work. What's been interesting for me is that they are not looking at me and mocking me for being the fat lady trying to work out (which is what I had envisioned in my mind). Instead, they are looking at me and smiling, even checking out my legs when I stand in front of the mirror focusing on my form. It's been so weird! I almost feel, dare I say, normal.<br />
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I also have seen the dietician at Kaiser's Positive Choice center, which is part of a service I can employ after surgery for help with my nutritional needs. I just have been feeling weak and lightheaded. I wanted to make sure that I was doing the right things for my body with the increased exercise. When I work out, I'm burning about 900-1100 calories a day with just exercise. Given I was eating 800 calories a day, it makes so much sense that I was feeling the way I was. The dietician told me that 800 calories a day is just not enough for a person that exercises as vigorously as I am. He did a mathematical calculation based on how many calories are in protein and what I was taking in each day. He told me to increase my calories to 1200 per day instead of the 800 my bariatric surgeon recommended. He understands where the doctor was coming from, but we do need to take into account how much I'm burning during workouts. When I asked him how I should increase the calories, he said it is as simple as making sure I'm getting enough healthy fats in my diet such as coconut oil or almond butter. He also told me I need to take in 100 grams of protein per day now with the increased calories and to ensure I am hydrating enough. He stated that I should try to get in as many fluids as possible earlier in the day but to shoot for at least eight cups. He also agreed that the strength training I'm getting with my trainer is especially valuable in dealing with excess skin and having a toned body because we can lose a lot of muscle mass with significant weight loss if we are not also incorporating strength training.<br />
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So, my friends, I'm working it and taking good care of myself. It's a long time coming, that's for sure.Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-48921898420332249512015-02-01T20:04:00.001-08:002015-02-01T20:14:10.374-08:00A little too much going onThis last week has been a terribly difficult one, I have to be honest. Eleven years ago, my brother had a heart transplant. When he was born, there was a leak in his heart and the left and right parts were doing the opposite of what they were designed to do. We always knew that one day he would need a heart transplant. In fact, the doctors told our family he would not live past the age of five without the transplant. When he did eventually have the transplant, he was 33 years old. Fast forward to this past Thanksgiving when my mother and I went out to Las Vegas to visit my brother and sister-in-law. When we were there, my mother noticed my brother had gained a lot of weight in his tummy, as if he was about 13 months pregnant. That's not my brother. He is a very active and fit guy so it did not make sense. After a slew of tests at the Stanford, the hospital where he originally got the transplant, the cardiologist told him that his heart was being rejected by his body and he would need a new heart. When I got the news, I was just shellshocked. I sat on my bed in stunned silence, not sure what to do with this information. My poor mother, who was the one that told me the news, was taking it incredibly badly, of course. No matter how old her children are, that's her baby. He was admitted into the hospital and will be staying there until at least Wednesday.<div><br></div><div>I decided to call my dad and tell him what is going on with my brother. My dad has been in and out of the hospital for the last three months. He had a hip replacement surgery that caused a horrible infection. They had to rush him in for emergency surgery after five hospital stays. They removed the new hip, put in a spacer and were giving him antibiotics around the clock. When I called to tell him about my brother, he told me he would have to stay in the hospital a couple more weeks himself. Then he can go home and prepare for the redoing of the hip replacement surgery. </div><div><br></div><div>Between both events, I just felt like I couldn't breathe. It took me a couple of days but the tears eventually came. My heart was broken for them. At the same time, I knew going to food for comfort and solice just was not the answer. It doesn't make anything better. If anything, food makes it worse. </div><div><br></div><div>You guys would be very proud of me, though. I've made some progress on the weight machine issue at the gym. I decided enough was enough and the next time I was going to go to the gym, I would request to sign up for personal training sessions. With lots of resolve in my head, I walked up to the gym and got intercepted at the door by this really cute, hot guy who held it open for me and said in a bright voice, "After you!" Haha, that totally threw me off so I did not ask about the personal trainer at the desk. He made me lose focus. I just logged in and went about my workout. I told myself that I would not be leaving the gym without talking to someone at the front desk about getting a personal trainer. So, after I finished my workout, I went to the locker room to grab my jacket and then bee-lined it for the front desk. Behind the counter where these two cute, hot guys as well. Frig, what is it about these men that make me lose my focus so much? To be fair, they were beautiful with lovely muscles peeking through their shirts. But, with a purpose-driven heart, I walked straight up to the counter and said, "I would like to sign up for a personal trainer please." The two guys greeted me with the most dazzling white smiles and beamed at me with pride. I made an appointment to see a trainer the next night.</div><div><br></div><div>I met with her and she was so sweet. It was absolutely no pressure at all but she really commended me for how far I've come and how motivated I am. So, I will be working out with her each week and then she'll give me assignments in between. She does want me to cut back on the amount of cardio I'm doing. If I'm still walking at work, that's fine but then she doesn't want me doing more than 30-45 minutes of cardio at the gym in the evenings. At a certain point, the body just can't use everything that I put into cardio. However, she said the focus will now need to shift to strength training,not only for fat loss but also to tone up loose skin. So I will be limited to 4-5 days of cardio per week at the gym and we will do strength training twice a week to start, eventually moving up to three times a week. I start training on Wednesday. I'm so excited that she will be there to guide me and tell me what to do. That's what I need. I then went for a workout and, when I left, one of the hotties was behind the desk and said, "Have a good night, Kathy :)" He learned my name and said it again when he saw me today. Uh oh, I'm in trouble with that one!</div><div><br></div><div>Finally, I'm nearing the end of my updates. In terms of school, I found out that I got A's in both my classes for my first quarter. Yay me! I start my next quarter tomorrow. My classes will be out of the area, so I'll have to drive a pretty far distance but it's only two days so it's manageable. It does require I go into work earlier those two days, so I need to somehow manage the change. With everything going on, I'm absolutely reminded to take everything one day at a time. That's all I can do.</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-82629146746842887282015-01-26T22:00:00.001-08:002015-01-26T22:00:22.729-08:00First quarter done, making tough decisions<div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I've been sick the last several days. It came on like a ton of bricks on Wednesday night. I don't know what happened, but I found myself as sick as a dog and ended up staying home from work on Thursday and Friday. My first quarter of graduate school ended this past week, but I pretty much killed myself trying to finish writing two research papers while being sick. I have a week and then I will be starting the new quarter of classes.</span></div><div><br></div><div>I find myself having to make a very difficult decision about my internship for the grad program. If I choose to do my internship in my district, I will either have to go from working 40 hours a week to 16 and lose my benefits at the same time or take a leave of absence from work. If I go outside the district, I'm facing similar circumstances. Either way, it is going to be a huge financial sacrifice for me. Not only that, I will lose my medical benefits during the time when I am working part-time or on the leave of absence. I was talking to a few people at work today about this and we started looking at whether taking a leave of absence is the best choice for me given that if I work 16 hours a week, I will lose so much and it will take longer to finish my internship hours. With the leave of absence I can get it done over the course of the semester. If I choose to work part time, it would take one semester and an additional quarter. Now, if I can go on Cobra for the four months, I can keep my medical benefits but it does require that I pay roughly $500 per month for the privilege. So, crunching numbers based on not working and taking a leave of absence, it will cost me approximately $10,000 for a semester factoring in all of my expenses and the additional Cobra costs to pay for my medical benefits. If I work those 16 hours a week, it will actually be more expensive because I'd still lose my benefits, I'd be living on a reduced paycheck and then paying an additional $2,000 to extend my school year. Crunching preliminary numbers, it looks like $10,000 is what I'm dealing with. That causes me to feel stressed. I do have the money in the form of student loans, but it's still not an easy decision at all.</div><div><br></div><div>I find myself still dealing with being in a stall weight-wise. I'm exercising a lot. For those that are curious, I still haven't gotten on the weight machines. But I did see a sign at the gym that I am entitled to four personal training sessions for free as part of my membership dues. So, I am really thinking about pursuing that so that I can get a personal trainer and have him show me how to use the machines and what specifically I should focus on when exercising.</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-57200011228014427072015-01-16T23:14:00.001-08:002015-01-16T23:14:56.374-08:00The urge was overwhelmingI took the day off of work. We were having a professional growth day at the high school where I work and so I decided to take the opportunity for a four day weekend. I have a research paper due by next weekend as well as another to finish up. My quarter for grad school ends this coming week so I need to go out with a bang and remain focused.<div><br><div>On my agenda today was to get my car smogged for registration renewal, return some clothes I recently bought that were too big and to do some research for my paper. I have been working out a lot so what was NOT on my to-do list was working out at the gym. I needed to give my body a day of rest. And all I could think about today was the fact that I was not working out and how much I really wanted to go to the gym. Who knows when the shift occurred, but it has. Taking care of my body now is of paramount importance to me. I did refrain from going because I realized that there has to be some balance in this weight-loss process and building muscles. That's not the easiest thing in the world for me to reconcile because I seem to be 0 to 60 in so many facets of my life, including exercise. I still managed to somehow get in over 6,000 steps, but nothing near my normal amount. </div><div><br></div><div>Speaking of building muscle, I have had a weird thing going on where something in my head is making me very afraid to get on the machines at the gym. I have no problem working on the cardio machines like the treadmill, recumbent bike and the elliptical machine, but when it comes to getting on the machines for building muscle I just have a really hard time. I think a big part of it is emotional. The cardio machines are easy. You get on them and you sweat and then you get off them ... you're done. However, the muscle-building machines seem like an entirely different beast. You spend time working on certain portions of your body in areas where there are very fit people building their muscles as well. Sometimes when I am around people with these awesome bodies, especially the men, I just get very self-conscious. I really can't explain what it is exactly, I just know that I am much more aware of my body in those moments. There is also this fear that I will start working on a machine and do it wrong. Sounds like I'm sitting in a lot of fear, doesn't it? I know this is just a hurdle that I will move through. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and not worry so much about being imperfect. Easier said than done!</div></div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-14281523734129278462015-01-14T05:18:00.001-08:002015-01-14T05:18:53.894-08:00Remember me?<div> Hi everyone. For the person that sent me a message basically asking me if I was alright because they haven't seen me posting in a while, I want to say thank! I have been a horrible blogger. I know I come on every couple of weeks and say that, then don't post for a while, but I mean it. Life has been crazy for me ... working full-time, grad school, dating, working out every day. Yet, I still need to stay focused and centered. To be fair, I spent about a week away from Facebook and Instagram, too, so it's not just here. </div><div><br></div><div>Weight-wise, I have been in a stall for a couple of weeks. I know I'm building muscle so there are going to be times when I lose less. I just figured it out last night and I'm seven sizes down from when I started this whole surgery journey. My clothes, in many situations, are just hanging off of my body. It's really pretty crazy. It's literally a day to day to process because I'll have times when something fits me and then, boom, the next day I have to put it in the donate pile. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just a different reality for me these days.</div><div><br></div><div>One of the things I'm noticing now is that the honeymoon period is over from the surgery. Those that have had the gastric bypass or vertical sleeve know exactly what I'm talking about ... everything is great right after the surgery, there is no desire to overeat and certain foods that you always binged with you could care less about. Now, though, those old feelings have resurfaced. The doctor has taken me off all food restrictions so I can pretty much eat anything I want now. Of course, that's not true - I can't eat <em>anything</em> I want because then all I would be eating ice cream, cake and pie. After the gastric bypass was done, my tummy became very little and it is still very little. Time has not changed that. I can eat a tiny bit more than I originally could, but we're talking maybe an ounce more of food. I still get very full easily. So, if I overeat anything, then I really feel sick to my stomach, literally and figuratively. For example, if I have one slice of toast, I'm fine. If I dare have two slices, I'm left hiccupping, burping and throwing up. Obviously having that safety net is a good thing, but it's also not great because if I overdo it, I'm in some serious trouble. </div><div><br></div><div>I am also going through this "ugly me" period. Everywhere I go lately, I have people telling me they've never seen me look more beautiful and, because I've been dating, I have men saying it all the time, too. Yet, when I look in the mirror, the truth is that I've been focusing on the parts of me I don't like. It's the saggy skin I'm getting with all of the weight loss or feeling like I look so much older than I do. I know the latter is really ridiculous because I don't. I don't even have wrinkles on my face and I'm 43. My skin has never looked better. I guess it's just how I'm feeling inside. As much weight as I have lost, I am focusing on what I have left to lose. If I'm having an intimate moment with someone, I wonder what he thinks when he sees my thighs that have loose skin around them or a mid-section that I can't hide. Obviously it's all my issue and no one else's but it's what I'm feeling.</div><div><br></div><div>I know this is all a process in the bigger scheme of things. I'm at 270 pounds right now so obviously I do have further to go. Yet, I also must remember that I'm no longer 420 pounds. That's such a world of difference so I really need to cut myself a break and stop being so freaking self-critical. I know people reading this right now are saying, "Yes, Kathy, you DO need to stop being so self-critical!". I know, I "heard" it as I was typing the words. This is a work in progress.</div><div><br></div><div>Seriously, if I'm gone for more than a few days away from my blog and you notice it, please call me out on it. PLEASE! Writing what I'm feeling is so healing for me and I'm sure I'm not alone in the things I'm going through. Don't get me wrong, life is pretty great right now. It's just that I have a lot I'm going through in such a short period of time and I need to be accountable and walk through this process in the healthiest way possible.</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-32098783401353169852014-12-27T15:56:00.001-08:002014-12-27T18:03:14.765-08:00Taking care of myself<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Yesterday I had posted about, among other things, seeing a wonderful new man in my life. I deleted the post in a moment of extreme emotion. This person, a scientist here where I live, was amazing. Intelligent, attractive, easy to talk to and we were both having very strong feelings for one another. I talked to one of my friends about the intensity and she advised me to pull back a little. She was right, really right as it turns out. I decided it was time to research him. I started by searching his name. Everything seemed in line there with what he told me. Then I decided to do a picture search. I learned this from watching that "Catfish" show. I took the images I had of him and searched through Google. The second picture rocked my world. It linked me to a dating profile. Not too shocking because we met online. Except for his pictures and the fact that he is a scientist living in my city, everything else was different. In the profile, he was looking for kink. He wanted a woman with a certain look to come into a room, dress in a sexy bikini and humiliate him. There would be no sex but he wanted to be talked down to for an hour each time. He would pay for this "service". I sat there with my jaw open initially. Then, the more I read, tears started to fall down my face. Who was this man? We were talking about our hopes and dreams, possibly having children in the future, amazed at our similarities. All the while, there was this other side to him. The work he had done with me was absolutely elaborate, if, in fact, it was all a lie. So I confronted him and ripped him a new one. I wouldn't let him explain because, really, there was no explanation. The profile was accessed the same day so I knew it wasn't old. I told him to never, ever contact me again. And I told him that just because a person is intelligent doesn't prevent him from being a <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">prick. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I thank God showed me his true colors before it was too late. The only problem is that I already was having feelings for him. What he did was cruel and I know it was a sickness on his part. I took a sleeping pill so I could get some sleep. When I took up, I made the conscious effort to not eat over this and go work out. I did an angry work out. My body took s pounding for the next hour and a half. I needed it, though. I can't eat over this. That gives him too much power over me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I know that I will move on and he was a toad on my way to finding a prince. That doesn't make it hurt any less. However, I will not eat over this. My body won't let me after the weight loss surgery and my heart won't give him the satisfaction. The sting of this will get better, I know.</span></div>
Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-7351782732459780482014-12-13T21:26:00.001-08:002014-12-13T22:05:22.955-08:00Updates in my worldOh my goodness, I had absolutely no clue that I have not been blogging as infrequently as I have. All I can say is that I am incredibly sorry. Sincerely. Things have just been so busy with work, dating and graduate school. No, these are not excuses but I have to own what has been going on. So let's see if I can update a few things.<br>
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I went to see my surgeon this past Monday for a check-up appointment. He is absolutely thrilled with my progress. Here I was thinking I wasn't doing great because I'm in a stall right now but he actually told me that I'm doing amazing. Amazing? Yes! At three months, their hope is to have Bariatric patients at a 60 pound loss. As of that morning, I think I was at a 73 pound loss. He said all of my numbers looked fantastic and that, basically, I'm a very healthy girl. Let me tell you, that was absolutely wonderful news. I always worry that I'm not getting in enough protein. I know I certainly don't get in enough water and I have to do a better job of drinking it. It has always been my challenge to get in enough water, but it is even more of a challenge now that I can only take sips. However, the sips are bigger now so I need to remember that the drinking is for continued good health.<div><br></div><div>On the dating front, I can't even begin to tell you how crazy that has been. I was seeing someone exclusively but there were issues there and so I decided to stop that relationship. So I have been dating other people and getting to know them. Online dating is not an easy adventure at all but it has been fun and certainly entertaining. I keep telling friends that I need to keep records of the various people who contact me - their pictures, their comments, their messages - because it will make a fantastic book one day, certainly entertaining. The one thing I can say is that of the various men who have contacted me, I certainly have felt incredibly beautiful and pretty. When I started this online dating adventure, I was hoping that perhaps I would be contacted by one or two people but it has been amazing to me that it's been quite the opposite experience. On a daily basis, I have no less than about 10 men contact me who are interested in getting to know me better. Obviously there are some that are just out for sex but that's not surprising when it comes to online dating. You take the good with the bad. They have been distracting, however, so I have to be aware that the time I spend talking to various people takes me away from other activities so I need to be careful about that.</div><div><br></div><div>Grad school has been going great. It certainly is a lot of work, don't get me wrong. However, I am really enjoying the program and the fellow students in my cohort that I work with. I love my program and I'm so glad that I decided to pursue this masters program. Right now, the work I need to do in the program has to take priority over dating certainly and any other activities that I choose to participate in that distract me from spending the time on my graduate work.<br><br>Today I have myself s very special treat, one that has been in the works for quite some time. I have always wanted a tattoo and I decided to go for it and get myself one for my birthday that's was last week. I had something very specific in mind. I wanted to commemorate the fantastic journey I have been on since getting the weight loss surgery. I'm about halfway to goal and so I wanted something special that symbolizes the things I have been through. So my idea was to inscribe the date of my surgery and a beautiful, colorful butterfly flying away from it. It would symbolize freedom, hope and a new beginning. Through a friend, I found an artist who was able to bring my vision to life. Now, I have never had a tattoo before so I was imagining a world of pain. People telling me that it would be crazy painful didn't help things at all. But I figured that if I was brave enough to have gastric bypass surgery, I was brave enough for this. It took three hours of me laying in my tummy, but I did it! Thanks to my good friend who stayed with me the entire time and took pics. That meant so much to me. In terms of the pain, it wasn't bad at all for the most part. Most of the time, it felt like just a deep scratching. There were times, though, where it hurt because it was near bone. That tends to hurt more. Anyway, I put together a little pic slideshow. Click on the following link to view it: </div><div>
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<a href="http://flipagram.com/f/NVYGOz4lII">http://flipagram.com/f/NVYGOz4lII</a></div><div><br></div><div>Here is the finished product.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjigRV5hEIDEAEAX1SYCenRv9iIc09AhzPTE2sTIIMun8PwDjRgvUIpBXPHYxRLFGLQl-7TyVVV6-72rMu8WGG_apCcVv597Jb_Edo9-lHaKLOW_OrQG1qe9Wrm5CdtL_lGgLf4T-UEyzo/s640/blogger-image--413430791.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjigRV5hEIDEAEAX1SYCenRv9iIc09AhzPTE2sTIIMun8PwDjRgvUIpBXPHYxRLFGLQl-7TyVVV6-72rMu8WGG_apCcVv597Jb_Edo9-lHaKLOW_OrQG1qe9Wrm5CdtL_lGgLf4T-UEyzo/s640/blogger-image--413430791.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>This was an amazingly emotional experience but one that I would do in a heartbeat. The tattoo artist accidentally left out a line in the date, so it should say 8-22-2014 in Roman numerals. That's an easy fix so he will work on that this week.</div><div><br></div><div>Okay, I think I have you all caught up for now. I do have to work on blogging here more though. Thanks for continuing to follow along!</div>
</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-79337275967919319452014-11-29T21:16:00.001-08:002014-11-29T21:16:58.181-08:00Spending time with family<div> Hi my lovelies,</div><div><br></div><div>Happy belated Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had an awesome holiday full of thanks with family and friends. My mother and I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law out in Las Vegas. Overall I would say it was a good visit. I discovered bow bad my mother's foot and mouth disease really is though. She was going on and on about how bad she felt I looked after I gained weight at the conclusion of the Optifast program I was on. And I quote...</div><div><br></div><div>"After you got off Optifast, you got really fat really fast.". </div><div><br></div><div>I responded with, "Gee, thanks mom.". I was fuming. She said this in front of everyone. I told her that was incredibly rude to say and she responded by telling me that she was just "keeping it real.". I told her that just because someone says they're keeping it real does not mean you can say whatever. People have feelings and emotions. Later I told her I was still mad but she just didn't get it. I raised my voice at her and told her she was rude. How would she feel if someone said she was "incredibly fat", especially in front of other people? Getting off the safety and security and Optifast was hard, made even harder by gaining weight back. I stood my ground though. If she wasn't talking about my body post-Optifast then she was talking about how much I'm dropping now. I totally get why people say they don't want to tell any family. Other than all of that, the rest of the visit was perfectly normal. Well, as normal as can be expected. </div><div><br></div><div>Over the holiday week, I upgraded my iPhone to the 6+ and I'm typing this post on my new Microsoft Surface Pro. New gadgets are fun, aren't they? I bought the tablet for my master's work but the phone was an upgrade for me. Now I can be all over my house doing my work. Heck, I can even be outside in my back patio while using the Surface. That's what I'm talking about! Grad school is completely challenging so anything that makes my life easier is a good thing.</div><div><br></div><div>I have been really lax on posting to this blog. I swear I'm not doing it on purpose, but its still happening. So I'm committing here and now that I will post something everyday for the next week. I want to get back in the groove of doing what I know works.</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-85416262471793305422014-11-21T03:03:00.004-08:002014-11-21T03:03:53.748-08:00I'll have you know that I'm perfectly normalI have had a very long relationship with my primary care doctor. She has been overseeing my healthcare for about 20 years. As such, she's seen me go through so much with declining health as well as all the improvements I've made. Since I had the gastric bypass done, she continues to monitor me. Recently, I had some lab work done to check on my A1C level for diabetes. This is a certain test to determine your average blood sugar readings over the past 2-3 months. The ultimate goal is to have a diabetic at a level 7.1 or lower. I've had times when my level was at a 12! My diabetes was absolutely out of control and no amount of medication, diet or exercise was keeping my levels healthy. Well, I'm pleased to report that I'm now normal. The A1C I just had done says my level is 6.9. Happy dance time! <br />
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I don't know how it works in the body that after you have this sort of surgery, your diabetes goes into remission. All I know is that it has. For all intents and purposes, I'm no longer a diabetic. Yes, I continue to monitor, but I no longer present as someone with diabetes. I can't even tell you how thrilled my doctor is. She has told me she is absolutely proud of me for taking control of my health and being so brave. Having the surgery is incredibly scary. Putting your trust in the care of a surgeon who will ultimately change your life is mind-blowing. Yet, it was the best decision I ever made. Period. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize my own face. Who is that staring back at me? This is really about meeting myself all over again.Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-40266526337332467682014-11-17T16:55:00.001-08:002014-11-17T16:55:49.116-08:00Weekly weigh-inHi gang. I weighed in this morning and I lost 4.4 pounds this week, bringing me down to 284 pounds from my top weight of 420 pounds. It's been so fantastic seeing the weight dropping off my body. I am also working really hard, so it's not falling off by itself. For example, I knew that I would have class tonight, so I got up early this morning to exercise. I also went on a couple of walks during the day. At this point I'm already over 15,000 steps and it's not even 5pm. Feeling pretty damn proud of myself.<div><br></div><div>Speaking of school, I did start my master's program last week. It has been thrilling and absolutely exhausting at the same time. When I was working on some reading for class, it hit me that I'm really doing this. Me, little Kathy, who always doubted herself, is in a freaking master's program. That is so rad.</div><div><br></div><div>On the dating front, things hVe been going well overall. I did decide to stop seeing the hot 23-year old. He was certainly a LOT of fun, but we're just in different places. Not to worry though, I somehow have my pick of guys interested in me. I just have so many contacting me. And here I was thinking no one would be interested. So right now I'm just having fun, dating around. Don't worry, I'm being safe and careful.</div><div><br></div><div>Got to head in to class. Until next time!!</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-5695254433743744492014-11-09T03:09:00.001-08:002014-11-09T03:12:38.216-08:00Constipation woes and shocking other peopleOne of the issues people have to deal with that have bariatric surgery is constipation. I know that I have to use aids to help me because things just don't "flow" correctly (I seriously am trying <i>not</i> to be vulgar). What works for me is that I stay regular when I drink one cap full of Miralax with a beverage in the evenings. As long as I do that religiously, then I have no problems.<br />
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Well guess who has not done that religiously? I know, hanging my head in shame. Now it's uncomfortable to sit. I have been drinking more to get things moving again, but it may take a day or two to catch up. <br />
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Not to place blame, but I have been preoccupied. Since I started dating or preparing to do so, I seem almost addicted to it. It's a strange feeling. I can acquaint it to a young teenage girl getting excited about meeting a boy she's interested in and everything becomes about that boy. I'm experiencing the same thing, but as a 42-year-old woman. I have the butterflies in my tummy. It just amazes me how much I think about him and what possibilities lie in front of me. It's not even just with him but dating in general. When you're an obese or overweight person, this part of life often times feels like it is not attainable for you, as if everyone else is in on a secret you are just not privy to. Yet, here I am, right in the thick of it, feeling beautiful and worthy. I pray we should all feel that way. We all <i>deserve</i> to feel that way.<br />
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Today my mother came over for a visit and she hasn't seen me in about a month. She has a key to my house so she came in while I was in the restroom. When I walked into the room, her jaw just dropped. She said the weight difference is <i>incredibly </i>noticeable. When you look at me, you can clearly see it in my jawline and around my hands. It's the little things that become noticeable, like collarbones and seeing actual wrists. I know you guys know what I'm talking about. These non-scale victories are huge. I did tell her about the new guy in my life and that she should not be using that key unless she gets my permission to enter beforehand, for obvious reasons. She blushed when I told her that. I did admit he is younger and she was trying to guess how much younger and she wanted me to show her pictures. In time I will share with her the details, but for right now we are having fun and I don't want things to dampen that. There definitely is an age difference, but I don't want others (including myself) judging the situation unfairly. Besides, he pursued me, not the other way around. <br />
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Anyway, here I am trying to be a better blogger! Off to bed I must go.Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-40016489926790312392014-11-07T04:07:00.001-08:002014-11-07T04:07:45.369-08:00Trying to find balanceKathy has been a bad blogger! I'm sorry. Things are going not so great on the work front and fanatastic in my personal life.<div><br></div><div>I can't go into specifics in terms of what's been happening at work so I'll have to be in generalities. My position is classified and not certificated. However, there has generally been a healthy mutual respect. Over the last 6 months or so, a certain group of certificated people have been treating me and a co-worker like shit lately. After trying to ignore the problem, things have just gotten worse. So we recently confronted them and got administration involved. It's not just us who have been dealing with this. Other people have used the word "toxic" when describing the work environment. So anyway, we have stood up for ourselves. In some ways, things are better. In others, not so much. It's caused a great deal of stress and anger. I'm trying my best to hang in there though.</div><div><br></div><div>And now onto the fantastic part! I decided that it was time for me to start dating again. It's been three years since I've been in a relationship so I was really nervous. I decided to try online dating as a way to meet people. The first day I signed up, I had 30 men contact me. From the time I put my profile up until yesterday, I'd estimate 70 have contacted me. It was absolutely overwhelming. Some were trying to be scammers, but most were not. I had my first date last night with a guy I really like. The whole day through, I had butterflies in my tummy. He is 6'1" to my 5'10" so even that excited me. His pictures did him no kind of justice. He's very fit, sexy and just amazing. I didn't feel self-conscious at all being around him. And he told me how beautiful and gorgeous he thought I was often. Oh, then there's the age thing. Friends, I am officially a cougar. He is so much younger than me but you couldn't tell from how well we connected. He was so sweet with me and we had a great conversation. We already made plans for date number two next week. No matter how bad things have been at work, being the target of affection with someone I'm so attracted to just makes it so much better. </div><div><br></div><div>So anyway. On the whole, things are fabulous! I need to improve with my bad blogging habits. I do have Blogger on my phone now so I can write from anywhere. Hope everyone is doing well.</div>Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-80026906624854497052014-10-31T00:15:00.003-07:002014-10-31T00:15:42.038-07:00Can I just have a rewind on my day please?I had a rough day. Icky day. These are the exact times that I realize I needed to have the tool of the surgery because it prevents me from picking up too much food to make myself feel better. <br />
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I started out my day at a 7 a.m. appointment at Kaiser. It was time for me to see my physical medicine doctor to talk about my back and how well it's (not) doing. I've been having ongoing, chronic back pain for several years now. If you have some chronic pain, you know what I'm going through. If you don't, count your blessings! It's extremely difficult to feel pain every single day but I do. I have it in my left leg, too. After seeing a physical therapist and having a year of acupuncture treatments, it just isn't better. Based on this morning's examination and previous interventions, the doctor determined that its muscular. While the physical therapy and stimulation therapy takes the edge off, it's not really helping for day to day functioning. I even explained to the doctor that weight loss isn't helping. I'm down 120 pounds from my top weight, let alone 57 pounds since the gastric bypass surgery, and I still have the pain in the same intensity. So she's going to try a compound cream and muscle relaxer, see how I do for 3-4 weeks. I'm scheduled to see her for follow up the day before Thanksgiving. At that point we'll see where I'm at. I almost cried talking to her, just feeling extremely emotional. I'm frustrated and the pain doesn't help. I held it together, though.<br />
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When I got to work, I got busy with things I needed to do there. However, two issues have come up in the last couple days that are upsetting. While I am not going to go into specifics here because some friends from work read this blog, I will say they are staffing issues and I am not taking mistreatment towards me or similar co-workers lying down. I am confronting people when necessary so that we can discuss issues going on. In some ways that helped, in others things got worse because the reality of the situation reared it's ugly head. I almost cried there, too. I just was so upset that I got very emotional and was inches away from tears. Yet again, I pulled it together. Even if nothing is resolved with my confrontations, at least I know I am doing everything I can to take care of myself while still remaining professional. On top of that, I'm also feeling emotional where work is concerned because I'm going to be starting my graduate program on November 10th. While it's exciting for me, it's also very bittersweet because it likely means the beginning of the end of my time with my current school district. They have rules that forbid me to be able to do school counseling (which is what my master's degree is for) in my district, even though I have 25 years with them. It's very upsetting and incredibly emotional for me. I'm a product of my district and have worked there since I was 17 years old.<br />
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Later in the afternoon, I had to go to the dentist. I somehow lost part of a filling on the left side of my mouth. Every time I drink something cold or eat something on that side, I'm in extreme pain. As I was driving to the dentist's office, I was still feeling emotional from what happened at work and I remember thinking how badly I wanted something to eat. As a person who has had a lifetime battle with weight, food is my go-to "drug" of choice to numb out. Some people choose alcohol, I choose sugar and grease. Instead, though, I focused on what I needed. The dentist injected nova cane and drilled into my tooth then filled it. They put headphones on me so I could blast tunes in my ears to prevent me from hearing what was going on. Trust me, I heard! At one point, I had my eyes open and smoke was coming out of my mouth. I can <i>totally</i> see why people avoid going to the dentist. Afterwards, I was in a lot of pain. Half my face was numb, including my lips and jaw. I was still upset about the first doctor's appointment and things that transpired at work and now I was dealing with numbness and pain. <br />
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When I got home, my first response was to want food. I knew, though, it just wasn't going to solve anything. I mean, truly, when has it ever? I need to learn how to deal with life without going to food. Obviously if I'm hungry and need it for nourishment, that's one thing. In the moment, the last thing I wanted to do was eat something. Have you ever tried eating or drinking with half your face numb? I can just imagine the drool! I did decide to take my contacts out and just go take a nap, even though it was later in the afternoon. It was the best thing for me in the moment. I just needed to rest and let my day go. The only bad part of that is that it's just past midnight right now and I'm wide awake. Oh well, you can't win them all. <br />
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I just need to keep suiting up, showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. That's the best I can do because, ultimately, God's the one in charge. I'm so happy it's officially Friday now. Happy Halloween!Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-41306334318864912942014-10-28T21:09:00.002-07:002014-10-28T21:09:36.169-07:00Weekly weigh-inI lost 3.4 pounds this week, bringing my total to 56.5 pounds since the surgery. Hooray! Even better is the fact that I'm in the 200's now. That is very emotional for me. I remember the day when I was regaining weight lost after Optifast and I was telling myself that was 300 pounds was my limit in terms of the highest I was willing to go again. That was my line in the sand. Sadly, that turned out to not be true at all. At the beginning of this, I was wearing a size 30/32 and now I'm fitting into 22/24. Holy smokes, that just blows my mind on so many levels. Needless to say, I'm glad I chose to have the gastric bypass surgery. It is a tool ... it doesn't do all the work, I do. But it has been a beautiful gift to me. I continue to be frustrated by my tummy that seems to be upset with a lot of different foods, but I'm finding my way. Hope everyone is doing well!Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-80456501187448176312014-10-22T20:52:00.000-07:002014-10-22T20:52:26.432-07:00Weekly weigh-in and feeling beautifulSorry I'm a few days late postings stats for the week. This week's weigh-in had me with a loss of 3.5 pounds. It was that time of the month so I was glad to lose what I did. In fact, I'm happy for every single pound. It's so amazing to be going through this experience of watching my body shrink before my eyes. You know how it is just gaining and gaining, feeling clothes tighter and tighter. Now when I look in the mirror, I'm experiencing clothes not fitting but because I'm swimming in them. So surreal. I'm just a few pounds away from being out of the 300's. Praise God on that!!<br />
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If you follow me on <a href="http://instagram.com/misskathyjean">Instagram</a>, you will have already seen the pictures and post below but I wanted to share it here on my blog as well. Occasionally, people will participate in various challenges on Instagram on posting certain kinds of pictures just for fun. One, for example, is called #stopdropselfie where, if you're tagged by someone else, you take a selfie and post it. So one of things going around now is to post five pictures that make you feel beautiful. So here's what I posted, both the text and pictures.<br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.0" style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">As I started seeing pics people were posting of five photos that make them feel beautiful, I started loving what I was seeing in others and their evolution into seeing their own beauty. At the same time, I was secretly hoping no one would tag me. It's not because I didn't want to participate but because I don't think I'm attractive. I hate admitting that but I vowed to myself that I would always keep it real here. I am of mixed ethnicities so I always felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. Men weren't fawning over me except for one night stands and so I had myself convinced I just must be awful, never mind the fact that I have people calling me beautiful everyday and my ex boyfriend told me that all the time. Anywho, while I was hoping not to get tagged, five amazing and beautiful women did tag me. And to them I wanted to say thank you - </span><a data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.1" href="http://instagram.com/joye_in_the_journey" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(63, 114, 155, 0.298039); background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-decoration: none;">@joye_in_the_journey</a><span data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.2" style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"></span><a data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.3" href="http://instagram.com/mindfullyweighting" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(63, 114, 155, 0.298039); background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-decoration: none;">@mindfullyweighting</a><span data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.4" style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><a data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.5" href="http://instagram.com/aubreystrawb_rny" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(63, 114, 155, 0.298039); background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-decoration: none;">@aubreystrawb_rny</a><span data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.6" style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"></span><a data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.7" href="http://instagram.com/lizzle_rny" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(63, 114, 155, 0.298039); background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-decoration: none;">@lizzle_rny</a><span data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.8" style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><a data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.9" href="http://instagram.com/teesocray" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(63, 114, 155, 0.298039); background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-decoration: none;">@teesocray</a><span data-reactid=".5.0.0.0.0.0.0.1.0.0.0.0.1.2:1.a" style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: proxima-nova, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"> . God really knew what He was doing with me and all of you today. It really helped me see that beauty is there and I don't have to be so freaking self critical! The pics on the top left and middle left were recent after having surgery and losing about 45 pounds. Bottom left is the day I received my undergrad college degree a little over a year ago and I absolutely glowed from the inside out. And the two right pictures are me at my lowest weight of 227 pounds in a size 16. That was two years ago when I was on Optifast and dropped 192 pounds in 8 months. I hope that I am on a continuing road of a healthier life and so much joy I won't be able to stand it. Since surgery two months ago, I'm down 55 pounds, 120 pounds from my highest weight, diabetes is in remission, normal cholesterol and normal blood pressure. All of that makes me feel beautiful. If I tag you, it's your turn! #beautiful #joy #transformation #wls #wlsjourney #wlsjourney #wlscommunity #rny #vsg #weightlosssurgery #postop #newlife</span></span><br />
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I received some very lovely and incredibly touching responses. I am so moved by the wonderful people I have met online who give me support (and vice versa) as I travel this curvy road. This includes all of you reading this right now. Sometimes I am in complete awe of how blessed I am. I hope my journey touches someone else as well. </div>
Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-14847779929456397292014-10-14T05:04:00.001-07:002014-10-14T05:04:57.899-07:00Weekly weigh-inMy loss for this week was 5.3 pounds. I can't express adequately enough how great it has been to see the weight coming off. After losing so much weight on Optifast only to steadily regain a lot of it over time, it has been such a battle. I desperately tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig before again considering getting weight loss surgery. I was trying so hard and then I'd get frustrated and so I'd eat. The cycle was so difficult emotionally, let alone the toll it was taking on my poor body. I have a lot of gratitude with the process I'm going through now. Some sort of switch has happened not only physically but mentally as well. I'm making taking care of myself a priority and that's not something I have always done. I do things like take my lunch with me to work instead of stopping to get something or skipping meals. I took the extra time to pack my gym bag so that I could head there right after work to get exercise in yesterday, which I did. Last night when I had dinner out with a friend and I was starting to feel full (granted, just after a few bites of food), I stopped whereas before I would have kept going beyond the point of being comfortable. As I go further and further out from surgery, I am seeing how differently I am approaching my life. Even my smile is much bigger these days. People notice it all the time. They have told me I have a glow about me and they love to see my smile. Isn't that sweet? I definitely know I'm in the honeymoon period after the surgery, but I'm not gonna knock it. I'm just going to appreciate the beauty of each day as it comes, with it's highs and lows. Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-91995572851481910632014-10-11T20:40:00.000-07:002014-10-11T20:40:58.412-07:00Dining out and letting go of TwitterI went out with some friends tonight for dinner. I believe it was my first time out at a restaurant since the surgery. They were very supportive and wanted to be sure to go somewhere that I could find something to eat so I suggested a Mexican restaurant. I knew I could probably order beans or fish. I settled on grilled fish tacos that came with refried beans and rice.<br />
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Before you ask yourself if I'm allowed to eat that food yet, the answer is yes and no. Don't worry, I made sure to take very good care of myself. I received my statement from the hospital showing that the cost of the surgery and hospital stay was $85,439. Thankfully my awesome insurance covered it but I'm not about to screw around with my food. I gave up a lot to have this surgery and it's a huge commitment for the rest of my life. I ordered my grilled tacos in corn tortillas that I wasn't planning on eating and asked them to serve them without cabbage since it's a bit early for me to eat veggies, especially veggies that aren't well cooked. I didn't touch the rice at all. I ended up having the fish with some salsa on top to keep it moist and then the refried beans. I ate very slowly and thoroughly. I took the rest home in a box that is enough for probably four more meals! I really didn't eat much, but I wanted to err on the side of caution since I was away from and I <i>really </i>didn't want to run to the bathroom to throw up.<br />
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Switch of topics. I have had a Twitter account for quite a while, but I've decided it's time to deactivate. I just haven't been that active on it and I really don't like the feeds that include posts I'm not interested in from accounts I'm not following. So if anyone is following me over there, this is the reason I won't have any activity going on there any longer. I'm very active on Instagram, so that account will keep going. And, of course, I will be continuing to be active on this blog, MyFitnessPal and Fitbit. I love the accountability of all these social networking avenues. It's a great way to have so much wonderful support. I have found that I really need the support after surgery. You'll never believe how intense things are after having had major surgery that rearranged my insides and forever effects the way I eat food. Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-62204782870384535072014-10-09T20:38:00.003-07:002014-10-09T20:43:34.967-07:00Cooking with Kathy: Ricotta<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
I have been moving slowly with adding new food since surgery due to limitations of my new pouch, Katrina. My surgeon is cautious about moving too fast through the stages, which I appreciate so much. My insides are adjusting to the changes so I can't do too much too soon. I've been in the soft foods stage for a few weeks now. Since starting that, I have been able to add seafood. Unfortunately, Katrina has not been happy with fish. So I have been trying to be creative with my meals given the parameters I have to work with. I have found some beyond yummy ricotta dishes from friends on Instagram that I love and felt compelled to share. Ricotta has a lot of protein and is very gentle after weight loss surgery. These are their recipes but my pictures. If you are not on Instagram, there is a huge weight loss surgery community there with a ton of support. My username is <i>misskathyjean</i> if you want to follow me over there.</div>
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The first one is courtesy of <a href="http://instagram.com/vsgcountrygirl9.18.14">vsgcountrygirl9.18.14</a>. She had the vertical sleeve done in September and is finding great success. Go visit her page for sure!</div>
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<b>Ricotta Alfredo Bake</b></div>
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Nutritional value: Calories 131, 8g protein. Makes 6 servings. Yum yum for the tum tum.</div>
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8 oz of part-ski ricotta cheese</div>
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1 beaten egg</div>
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1 tsp Italian bread crumbs</div>
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1/2 c. Alfredo sauce</div>
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1 c. shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese</div>
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<li>Mix the ricotta, beaten egg and bread crumbs together in a bowl to almost a whipped consistency.</li>
<li>Spread the mixture across the bottom of an oven-safe dish.</li>
<li>Spread the Alfredo sauce on top of the mixture.</li>
<li>Top with the mozzarella cheese. You can use 1/2 cup of mozzarella cheese if you'd like it a little less on top.</li>
<li>Bake in a 450-degree oven for 20-25 minutes.</li>
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Recipe number two is <i>beyond</i> deliciousness! I have it often, especially now that I've returned to work. This recipe is courtesy of <a href="http://instagram.com/rocktheshade">rocktheshade</a> at Instagram. This woman is an amazing inspiration, having lost 320 pounds after having a gastric bypass four years ago, She uses this as a snack, but since my surgery was not that long ago, it is a nice meal size. I usually have it with a Laughing Cow Light swiss wedge.</div>
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<b>Ricotta Whipped Cinnamon</b></div>
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Nutritional value: Calories 100, 10g protein. Makes 1 serving. </div>
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100g fat-free ricotta (6.6 tbsp)</div>
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20g sugar-free Cool Whip (1.5 tbsp)</div>
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Sprinkle of Cinnamon</div>
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1 packet of Splenda</div>
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Mix all the ingredients together well and enjoy! I had part-skim ricotta and light Cool Whip, so my calorie count is a little higher at 168 per serving, but I'll get different ingredients next time. This dish is a great way to get protein in and it tastes sweet, too. It's not high in sugar, so it's great for gastric bypass pouches and could even be considered a dessert. I like it because it's very easy to whip up and easy to digest for my very sensitive Katrina.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPh4TX7x2oC1eQGDBeFogMM417Ew26H21Vag2sJVekgAzHjYVICw4BOOC5xd-NwAy3MXc5_M-9Vo_5fE5j6OhL1i52fnVoPCkoDllHuRq1CIlx1yDbcwWpfNdBE763ndIboyQJN5FEu1Y/s640/blogger-image--1954075064.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPh4TX7x2oC1eQGDBeFogMM417Ew26H21Vag2sJVekgAzHjYVICw4BOOC5xd-NwAy3MXc5_M-9Vo_5fE5j6OhL1i52fnVoPCkoDllHuRq1CIlx1yDbcwWpfNdBE763ndIboyQJN5FEu1Y/s640/blogger-image--1954075064.jpg" /></a></div>
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Even if you haven't had surgery, both these dishes are still great sources of protein. I happen to love them!Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-31500770622669652482014-10-06T22:23:00.001-07:002014-10-06T22:23:47.945-07:00Weekly weigh-in I had a pretty kick-ass week with a loss of 6.3 pounds. Hooray! I have to say that the weight loss is feeling great. Just in case you may be under the assumption that the surgery did all the work, think again! I have been exercising a lot and watching the food I eat like a hawk. I weigh, measure and record every piece of food I have and I'm one hundred percent honest with myself. The surgery is but a tool. <br />
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I had a post-op visit with my surgeon today. It went really well. He told me that I am doing a fantastic job on my weight loss. In fact, he said I am on the high end of loss for those at the same stage as me. That was a great boost. I did talk to him about what should be the primary focus - how much protein I get in or the amount of calories. He told me I should be focusing on both. I shouldn't get in too much more than 600 calories a day on average, even when I exercise. He explained that most of the significant weight loss will happen in the first six months. After that, things drop off dramatically so I want to be sure I'm in the weight loss mode now more than ever. He is strict on how fast I progress through the stages of adding food back in. Some doctors move their patients pretty quickly to foods such as chicken or red meat, but that isn't what he does. Something he explained to me that was surprising is that he said your tummy actually shrinks even more in the weeks following surgery before it gets to a point that the restriction isn't as significant as in the initial phases. So basically he told me to keep doing what I'm doing. We talked about other issues I'm having, such as the low blood sugar, light-headedness and more. He was very patient with all of my questions, which I appreciated. Sometimes I feel like I ask too many questions, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.<br />
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Change of gears. A couple of days ago, I posted a picture of myself online in Facebook, MyFitnessPal and on Instagram that was an updated shot of what I'm looking like now after six weeks post-op. Here it is if you didn't get the opportunity to see it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX-Br2P3WKeUJPIfXrTG7vNn-qvk9Nms5OcFuAtKEq0xDnozGW0dnUhR5x5mEnMu_rdHpRZRllfuHsp9PXWi4YC91yGh1E7WtQdaYTIkLtrJF5UMz_MHSsqYLEJpMvCZtdimB9JvCU9JI/s1600/10684327_652983691465705_517761289_a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX-Br2P3WKeUJPIfXrTG7vNn-qvk9Nms5OcFuAtKEq0xDnozGW0dnUhR5x5mEnMu_rdHpRZRllfuHsp9PXWi4YC91yGh1E7WtQdaYTIkLtrJF5UMz_MHSsqYLEJpMvCZtdimB9JvCU9JI/s1600/10684327_652983691465705_517761289_a.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
I have been floored at the sheer volume of people that have told me I look beautiful and pretty. Sometimes I expect comments like that from friends because it's just something we do: "Oh, you look so beautiful today" or "Oh my gosh, don't you look pretty!" However, I posted this picture in a gastric bypass group and on my Instagram feed, so not everyone in those places knows me personally. They have no vested interest in saying I look pretty except if it's coming from an honest place. This has been so shocking to me, on one hand, and difficult to deal with on the other. Of course a woman always loves to hear compliments, but one of my biggest self-esteem issues has always been that I think I look ugly. I always had a <i>different</i> kind of look. I wasn't a blonde Barbie but I also wasn't the typical Asian girl either. My ethnic background is very unique with me being Filipino, German, Hungarian, Norwegian and Scandanavian. I never really felt like I looked like anyone else and, therefore, on the outside looking. But here are perfect strangers telling me quite the opposite. It just helped me realized that I can stop hiding behind my body and come to accept myself just as I am right in this moment, a creation of God, and that's better than just okay. I don't have to beat myself up by saying that I'm ugly. Besides, a person is only truly ugly if they're ugly on the inside and I know I'm not. These are exactly the sorts of things that keeping on weight does for me. It convinces me that I'm some sort of monster dragging her hands on the ground when that's just not true at all. When I embrace myself, I am happy with who I am. Look at that smile in the picture ... that's not fake.Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-89742664293910800432014-10-05T05:10:00.000-07:002014-10-05T05:10:19.811-07:00Been Miss Sicky this weekWell, I was supposed to return to work this past Thursday, October 2nd, but that didn't work out so well. I got <i>really</i> sick and actually thought I had strep throat. I ended up going to see a doctor to make sure because, if I did, I would have to stay home. Since I work in a high school and that is highly contagious, that would be horrible. The doctor I saw, who is not one I usually see, was excellent at being gentle when he swabbed my mouth. They did two tests, one that had instant results and another that would send cultures to the lab to be on the safe side. I was negative so he determined that I had a virus and should stay out of work to heal, especially after recovering from major surgery. After contacting my surgeon's office, we felt it was best that I wait to return until after I see him for a follow-up appointment on Monday. I've been trying my best to stay at home, don't do things to make my illness worse and just put myself in the best shape to return to work. I was really disappointed, but I also agreed that it was for the best.<br />
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During the week, my blood sugar dropped incredibly low, down to 44, in the middle of the night. I am so grateful for the amazing work the body can do in protecting against death. 44 is very dangerous and could lead to a diabetic coma. Thankfully, my body was doing it's job when it started sweating and shaking, waking me up from sleep. The hard part of it was dealing with getting my blood sugar up and keeping it there. It went from 44 back up to 107, down to 55 and up again to 85 throughout the night, despite my best efforts. The next day left it on the lower side as well. The weird thing is why it happened in the first place ... I don't have any clue. It's one of the things I need to discuss with my surgeon on Monday. I've also had more dumping. I think this makes it nine times now that it's happened. I'm not eating sweets or anything like that to cause the typical dumping to occur. Mine has been focused around food that has turned out to be too dry. I am having to experiment and find different ways of preparing things. For example, I can only have 1 ounce of crab before I feel like I'm about to dump. However, if I put it in the food processor and make it into crab salad with light mayo or some sort of sauce, I can have more and I'm perfectly fine. Dumping is an awful experience, that's for sure. As I progress, I'm learning to spot warning signs and to really listen to my body. It speaks to me if I just stop to listen. Sometimes, though, that's the hardest thing to do. I don't know about you, but life gets very busy and it's difficult to stop and listen but it's also what I need to do. I'm trying to do things that will help me change habits that no longer serve me. Taking care of myself has never been a priority and now I see that is the most important thing. If I don't have my health, I can't be there for other people, let alone myself. <br />
<br />Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-395013400630590744.post-22895011883169656622014-09-29T16:25:00.001-07:002014-09-29T16:28:29.157-07:00Weekly Weigh-InI am thrilled to report that I lost 5.1 pounds this week! I worked out every single day for that, along with following the surgeon's instructions for this stage after the gastric bypass. Even better, I'm 102 pounds down from my top weight. That feels incredibly amazing. If you've been reading my blog for a long time, you'll know that 420 pounds was my top weight and the time when I started my journey in Optifast. After losing 192 pounds through that program, I started a quick regain of almost all of my weight, except for about 60 pounds, after I got off of the shakes. It was a devastating time and I just really felt so lost. Fortunately, I kept some of my smaller clothes, the ones that were really hard to let go of when I had lost that weight before. I now fit into a bunch of those, as well as other clothes friends have given me. I'm excited! By the way, I put a new page on here at the top of the screen with my weekly weigh-in numbers for those who are interested. This will especially be helpful for those who are pre- or post-op to see how I'm losing each week.Kathyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04721383807986679228noreply@blogger.com2