You're going to stick a needle where??

I had an acupuncture appointment at the end of my day.   There are some treats you look forward to at the end of a very busy and stressful day.  Acupuncture has become one of those things.  If you've never had a treatment before, you must think I'm insane right about now.  I am a girl who used to be terrified of getting shots and needles.  Then, when I became diabetic and had to check my blood sugar and inject insulin, I got over that.  Getting a needle stuck in me is still not my favorite thing in the world, but I don't mind it with acupuncture.  Actually, it's not the same type of needle at all.  They are much finer and are injected in a different way.  On very rare occasions will it hurt, but mostly it helps me get really in tune with my body and makes me fall asleep.  The reason I am see my acupuncturist, Kelly, is because I have had pain in my legs for over a year now and I've seen every specialist known to man.  Acupuncture is sort of my last house on the block.  In so many ways, though, it's become a blessing to me.  So I described today's pain, which is centered on top of my patella in my left knee and is radiating up my thigh to my hip.  It's significant pain and is extremely frustrating to live with.

Kelly inserted the pins around my knee, down my shin, on my feet, on my forehead and also on my left ear.  That was an incredibly weird sensation.  She showed me in a book where actually there are points in your ears that are connected directly to your legs and hips, precisely where I needed the attention.  She topped it all off with a pin placed squarely on my forehead.  She turned on some soothing music, turned off the lights and then left me to relax.  It's pretty hard to imagine anyone can relax in that state, but that's exactly what happens every single time.  I closed my eyes and thought about God's healing hands on my body.  Touching my knee, removing the pressure from my thigh, every moment helping me to relax and trust.  In no time at all, I forgot about all the pins sticking out of me and I focused on the sensations and being centered.  A flood of emotions overcame me, a feeling as though I knew, in that very instant, that God was watching over me and helping me feel peace.  There is still pain, but it is significantly reduced.  The body is amazing, such a marvel at what it does and how it heals.  When I walked into my appointment, I was feeling tense and stressed, but very hopeful.  When I left, I felt lifted and strong.  If nothing else, that right there is more than I could've ever asked for.

Never imagined I'd love the needles

When I was a kid, it took some pretty substantial coaxing for my dad to get me into the doctor's office for anything having to do with a needle.  Even when I would have blood drawn, I was Miss Drama Queen of the Century.  I'd pitch a fit and do a really good job at convincing him that whatever the reason was for me having a needle stuck in my arm, it just wasn't necessary, thank you very much.  I should have become a lawyer looking at the way I would lay out my arguments.  Later in life, it would come back to bite me, though, because when I became diabetic, the doctor told me I would have to stick needles in my fingers a couple of times a day to test my blood sugar level.  That was a rude awakening.  And, eventually, I would have to stick needles with insulin in my tummy when my numbers were high (I don't miss that at all!).  Talk about being slapped across the face.  But, if you would have seen me today, you woulda thought I loved needles. 

I was sitting in my acupuncturist's office talking to her about how my leg pain just wasn't getting better.  So she told me we would need to attack this from a different angle.  It would require that she put some of the acupuncture needles in places I haven't had them before.  What did that mean?  Well, I had to take off every stitch of clothing, lay face down on the table and lay the sheet over me.  I couldn't see where all the needles where going, but some of them I could really feel.  They didn't hurt necessarily, but she said she definitely found my chi.  So I had needles all over my back, on the side of my hips, on the back of my legs, my feet and down the back of my calves.  She then turned on some soothing music and left me to "relax".  As I laid there with my head in that weird donut shaped contraption they had sticking out of the top of the table, I just really tried my best to tune everything out, listen to my breathing and just find a peaceful place of meditation.  When I was in that zone, I completely forgot about all the needles sticking out of me.  I actually was completely relaxed.

I have been trying to find that very place of relaxation a lot lately, where I can just let go completely.  Things have been so stressful in my life and it has made me feel like I can never just "be".  Yet, I do know when I allow it to happen, it feels wonderful.  I have felt like that around my food this week, too.  It has been very clean and healthy.  I have felt no shame around my choices, dare I even say peaceful.  In fact, the peace and freedom I have felt around the food this week was exactly like the euphoria I had when I was on Optifast and in a good groove with the shakes in that I had absolutely no cravings.  I know these feelings don't last forever, so I'm appreciating them for today. 

It seems like ever since I had the visit with the first therapist, there has been an internal shift in me working at just letting things go.  It's definitely a process, but perhaps there will be a day in the not-too-distant future where I can let things go completely and just enjoy where I am in the present moment.  My acupuncturist made the comment to me today that my skin has really gotten so much healthier since I've been off Optifast.  While I was on the product, there wasn't the freshness on my face that I have now.  Maybe it was because I was losing weight so darn fast or perhaps there was something somewhat unhealthy going on.  Of course, everybody has a different experience, but I only speak of mine.  I really feel like being on Weight Watchers as I continue on in my weight loss journey was the right decision for me.  It is not making me feel crazy in what I need to do to follow the program versus other programs out there where people seem to really obsess about their calories.  Of course there are guidelines to follow with WW, but I just feel more like a normal human being doing this method.  I will do my weigh-in tomorrow and report if there has been a change on the scale.  I think there has because my clothes have been loser on me.  That's usually the best gauge of progress.

The power of acupuncture

If you have never had an acupuncture treatment before, I highly recommend it.  It is one of the most relaxing yet deeply spiritual things I've ever done for my body and my soul.  I'm going through the treatments to help with the pain that is always coursing through my body.  Somehow, though, my acupuncturist has this ability to make the tears come out.  She does it before she even lays a hand on my body.  We always sit and talk before she does her work and today I was telling her about everything that has been going on with the pain I've been feeling, the quieting down of the stress around the worker's comp injuries, not being able to sleep well and my body recovering from the toll of being on Optifast products for the better part of a year.  While I lost a ton of weight on the program, there were some negative side effects that I personally went through, one of which was the threat of fainting every time I would arise from a sitting position and another other was the loss of my hair.  I went through other things, too, but those things are enough.  Somehow, all the feelings of everything I have been going through in the last year, let alone the few before that, just came out in a flood of tears that I wasn't prepared for.  I've just been so stressed out, teetering on the edge of collapse I think.  Valentine's Day didn't help me because as I was cleaning out my office the night before and found a picture of my ex-boyfriend on my desk.  He broke my heart and shattered it into a million pieces.  Most of the time I'm fine and I can move forward knowing it's for the best that he is no longer in my life and then at other times it still hurts just as it did when things were still going on. Oh that cowardly bastard, but perhaps that's a story for another time.

It's not as if things are going badly in my life.  Things are actually moving forward and I'm doing the best I can to live in a healthy manner in body, mind and spirit.  But we all have our breaking points. A person can only take so much and I really feel like I've had my fill in the last few years to last me a lifetime.  So, when I was talking with the acupuncturist and she spoke to me in such a compassionate manner, I just found tears falling onto my cheeks.  Today, given how emotionally raw I was, she wanted to spend some time working on my spirit because she told me she could tell I was sad and feeling depressed.  I don't know ... am I?  I haven't put that label necessarily on it, but maybe I am.  I do have some of the symptoms.  And who could blame me if I was.  She told me to lie face up on the table and she would be back shortly.  So, while I waited for her, the tears just kept falling.  I suppose it was a safe place for me to feel whatever I was feeling.  By the time she came back in, they had stopped.  She put needles in unusual places today, on my earlobes and on the outer ridge of my ears.  I just relaxed though, completely trusting the process and letting whatever I was holding inside go.  It was such a calming experience and just what I needed. 

I tend to hold so much inside of me and do a pretty good job most of the time covering up how I'm really doing.  I'm not intentionally covering things up for the most part, but I suppose that has been my nature my entire life.  When I was a child and being abused, I always covered the truth up because I knew, even as a little girl, that the truth would tear apart our family, that it would hurt more than the physical pain of the abuse.  So I became the brave little girl who faced the world in her perfect little dresses with perfect little ponytails and a great big smile always on her cute and sweet little face.  No one would ever guess what was going on behind a closed door.  As an adult, I can see that I do the same thing ... I hold things in because the truth of whatever is inside is what I have held onto for my entire life.  As I get closer to the time that I will meet with the therapist, I am becoming more aware that it is going to be a process of a lot of self-discovery and perhaps dredging up of pain before I can  then move past it enough to finally let it go.  I'm not sitting here in blame of the one or two people who abused me because it was a long time ago and they were sick individuals, but if you don't tell anyone what's going on, where does the pain go?  Now, I'm trying to do things differently but then that means that sometimes things just come gushing out, like with the acupuncturist today.  Yet, I would rather have that than be diving into a carton of ice cream.  I deserve so much better than that.  Let's face it, we all do. 

Who knew that the act of weight loss would be such a soul-searching process.  I sure didn't.  I just wanted to feel healthier.  Yet I know that to feel physically healthier means I will need to dig into why the weight came on in the first place and why it stayed with me for my entire life.  I'm 41 now and I can say with every ounce of certainty in my body that I'm utterly willing to let it go.  I don't want to hurt  in the way I did when I was at my heaviest.  I wish that on no one.  Can you imagine the sort of pain a person has to be living in to weigh 420 pounds, especially as a woman?  Yet, I'm willing to go there because I don't want to be the person of having the experience of weighing 520 pounds or even more.  Who knows what the stopping point is.

Now I'm on a break from work for a week. I made no plans for this week except to ensure I'm getting in some good exercise each day.  I still have class during the week, but it will be nice to spend some time just getting the sleep I don't normally get, maybe visiting with some friends and who knows what else.  It's a week of vacation that I really need and a week I know I'm incredibly grateful for.

A nice even keel

I'm so grateful to report that my day was perfectly even with my blood sugar.  It didn't start out that way ... I awoke in the middle of the night with low blood sugar and the typical symptoms I've been feeling.  Thankfully I had those Costco glucose tablets so I had four of those (you're supposed to have 2-4 if your blood sugar is low) followed by 15 grams of a slow releasing carbohydrate, which is what the doctor's office told me to do.  Once I went back to bed and woke up again, my blood sugar has been 76-83 all day long.  I did check it quite a bit today, but this will help me when I bring my information in to see my doctor on Tuesday.  I did have a hunger headache after work, so I have to watch whether or not I'm eating enough, but I know that I'll get better at that once I find a good balance with my blood sugar.  All of this isn't easy, but I'm thrilled for the victories I have every day.

I also had a cancer check-up with my dermatologist today.  It was a really great visit.  He did find one tiny area that he wants to keep an eye on in case it needs to be biopsied.  We did talk about my weight loss and journey towards being healthier.  He was extremely supportive and encouraging towards me, which I appreciated immensely.  In every direction I turn, I have an incredible amount of support.  Today I received it from him, from friends at work, online friends I've met since I started getting healthier and even parents of students I was working with at the high school.  I am just so blessed and I try never to take that for granted.  Tomorrow I have to do the nerve testing with the worker's comp medical evaluator, which I am not looking forward to.  However, I know that the pain will pass and it's being done to accurately diagnose all the pain I'm dealing with from my injury.  I just need to breathe through it.  The good part is that, later in the day, I get to see my acupuncturist.  That is such a relaxing and serene experience each time I go, so I'm definitely looking forward to that.

I love days that are nice and even.  No drama, just peaceful.  Ahhh!

Breathing better

I finished another semester of my college courses yesterday, so I'm feeling a lot of relief today.  This semester was one of the more challenging ones for me.  Not because of the courses I took, but dealing with all the medical stuff, working full time, trying to fit in exercise and attempting to do well in school.  I felt like I was waving the white flag of surrender constantly during these last few days. 

Yesterday was the appointment I had for the MRI.  As you may recall, I posted recently about not being able to fit in the enclosed MRI machine back in February and how the office staff grilled me about whether or not I was bigger than I was back then.  So here's what happened:

I got the the office building and felt incredibly nervous.  I can't tell you why ... these people are relative strangers, so what they think about me shouldn't matter, but I suppose the truth is that I didn't want to be judged and I had no say that it was exactly what they were doing.  So I went into the restroom beforehand, washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror.  There has been such drastic change in me since February, yet up to that moment, I had myself convinced that I wouldn't fit in the stupid MRI donut.  I had to ask God for courage to walk in that medical office and not turn around and run away from the fear I was feeling.  I walked in and immediately I remembered everything ... the smells, the way the magazines were piled and the western style saloon doors that separated the waiting area from the exam rooms. The receptionist who greeted me was the same one from the phone call inquiring about my size but she had never met me in person before.  As I was filling out the paperwork, she asked me why I wasn't seen last time if I had paperwork from before.  I looked at her with this are you serious? kind of look.  Didn't we just have a conversation on the phone about it??  I told her the reason I didn't have the MRI completed there last time was because the technician told me I was too big to fit in the machine.    She just looked at me and said, "Oh."  Hmm, oh is all you can say to that, huh?  I wasn't about to lose my dignity in that moment, so I finished the paperwork and just sat down to wait for my turn.

Then the technician came out.  I stood up and this man gasped when he saw me.  He remembered me, it was quite obvious from the expression on his face.  Although he tried to cover himself, that moment was priceless for me.  Absolutely, one hundred percent priceless.  He scanned my body up and down and tried to compose himself before officially greeting me.  I tell you what people - it's something I will never forget.  I silenced this critic of my life and I'll never forget it.  I was utterly humiliated in a way I can't quite describe when I was there before.  I wanted to crawl under a rock at the time.  Now I just wanted to fling a rock directly at him!  Maybe that's not the healthiest reaction and I totally recognize that, but it's what I was honestly feeling inside. 

So I went into a dressing room and had to take off everything except my pants.  I put on the gown that tied in the back and it fit perfectly.  My bootie was not hanging out, it wasn't tight around my arms and I could comfortably move around in it.  Now, it was the moment of truth.  I climbed up on the table, got into position with my back against the table and looking up towards the ceiling.  I put my arms to my side and the technician slid me in ... with absolutely no problem at all.  I fit, and quite easily I must say.  I wanted to cry, I really did.  It was a moment of pure triumph for me.

Fast forward to today.  I had an appointment with both my physical therapist and my acupuncturist.  I have been working hard at following the directions and doing all of the exercises the physical therapist has given me and it showed in how much more flexible my body was.  We talked about the pain I am continuing to experience and what makes it feel better.  Frankly, it's the exercise.  You know that old adage that doctors would always tell us that getting some exercise will do wonders for our health and we might have shunned that because it felt like a route thing they were all saying?  Well, there is definitely validity there, at least for a great number of ailments.  I realized today that although I don't want to be in pain and I don't want to have the physical limitations I do, in a sense the osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia have both actually been a blessing for me because I have discovered that doing exercise helps me feel so much better and I am in significantly less pain if I exercise in the day.  In fact, I wasn't going to exercise today, but ended up going much later because I knew it would help with pain.  When I saw the acupuncturist, she did a lot of extensive work on my legs and hips, which really help take significant pain away.  What my experience with her has taught me is that there are definite advantages out of stepping outside of the box (the box being traditional medical professionals).  The acupuncture helps me tremendously.

So it seems that I'm in a really good place of taking care of myself.  The food has been going great, although the early evenings when I get home from work are a challenge.  I just feel so hungry.  Hopefully that will get better as I remember to keep drinking my water and eating every few hours.  I am so glad I made the decision to go on the full food portion of the program.  The light headedness I was experiencing every day is miraculously gone.  In one fell swoop, it went away.  I am enjoying the taste of food again .. the sweetness in strawberries and apples, the freshness of salads, the savoriness of protein.  I am trying my best to appreciate the food and not have an inappropriate relationship with it like I used to have.  I'm feeling pretty grateful to be traveling on the road I find myself on right now.  Thanks for journeying along with me. 

Putting myself at the top of the list

I really don't consider myself to be a selfish person.  I'm always willing to help the kids at the high school where I work, I'm a good friend to other people and my family knows that I will always be there for them.  That's just my nature ... caring and nurturing.  The only problem with that has been that taking care of myself has always been last.  When you're in an airplane and they're going through the emergency procedures, what do they always say about oxygen masks?  Something to the effect that if the cabin loses pressure, the oxygen masks will come down.  If you're with a child, secure your mask first and then do so for the child.  And why is that?  Simple ... you can't help someone else if you're dying yourself!  Yet, why is it that I am the last one that I have paid attention to my whole life?  That's a good question and one that I really need to ponder.  Self-care is not about being selfish.  In order to be completely present in this world, I must take care of myself first.  So that's what I did today.

It was the Friday before a week off of work for Thanksgiving and a lot of people were absent at work.  Of course, that always seems to be the way before a long break.  But I had a physical therapy appointment that got scheduled today and it was her only opening.  Of course administration was perfectly fine with it because I let them know in plenty of time and, besides, they have been super supportive of me seeking medical care as I need it.  I am a good employee and work hard, so they know I'm not taking advantage.  After I went walking at lunchtime with my friend, which we do every day, off I went to my physical therapy appointment.

The physical therapist has been working on the pain in my back, so now we're adding working on building strength in my legs, too.  I caught her up to speed on the osteoarthritis in both knees and fibromyalgia diagnosis so that she could adjust what she is doing with me.  She wanted to see my range of motion and look at my legs while I was walking, so she told me I was going to need to put on shorts since I was wearing jeans that covered me up.  I thought, Oh no, here we go again.  If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may recall that months ago I had to get a MRI and was told to change into scrubs but they didn't fit me.  My first thought was, geez, the shorts aren't going to fit, especially when she gave me a pair that had a label that said "large" on it.  I don't recall ever, in my entire life, fitting into just a large ... it's always been XL, 1X, 2X, etc.  I slipped off my shoes, took off my jeans and held my breath as I climbed into the shorts.  And do you know what?  They fit!  Not only that, they were actually too big.  Maybe that large runs big, but whatever - it made me feel good.  So the physical therapist did her examination of me and talked to me about exercises for my legs.  Then I asked her what exercise would be good for me to do everyday in addition to the stretching exercises.  She said the best thing would be an exercise bike or swimming.  I shared with her that I walk every day and she said that's good, as long as it doesn't hurt me more.  In fact, because I already spend the time walking, I can have little to no resistance when using the bike but it would be good for me to do it since it'll build muscle.  I don't have a bike at home, so I'm planning on joining a local gym tomorrow.  I've actually been thinking about it for a while since it's only $10 a month for a membership at this particular gym.  I want to increase my strength training, especially around my legs, but I also don't want to go crazy with the exercise.  If I limit myself at the gym, that'll help tremendously.  I am definitely putting my all in taking care of my body now, so I'm willing to do what I need to do to remain healthier.

Don't worry, it doesn't hurt at all.

If the walking and physical therapy wasn't enough, I also had an appointment with my acupuncturist later in the evening.  I always look forward to going, it's so soothing.  We focused in on my legs today since that's where most of the pain was concentrated, with a few spots on my arms, forehead and ankles as well.  She stuck the needles in me, turned on soothing music and left me to relax as much as possible on the table.  It's funny, every time I go, I end up having some great prayer time with God, where I just close my eyes and pray not specifically seeking answers but expressing what's in my heart as I lie there vulnerable underneath the needles. Today I prayed for continued healing, not only from the pain in my body but from the pain of battling weight my entire life and the emotions that come with that.  Dealing with why you choose food to deal with stress, boredom, unresolved feelings or just living life through food is difficult and I find that it is completely challenging.  Will I always feel like the food is calling my name or will I someday have a normal existence when it comes to it?  It has always been an escape from my feelings for me. 

Feeling angry?  Food's the answer! 
Feeling happy?  Food can be a way to celebrate.
Feeling anxious?  Food will calm your nerves. 

Developing new habits, even the healthy ones, takes time.  I have to constantly remind myself of that because I like things now.  I don't want to wait, yet I'm seeing that sometimes I just don't have a say in the matter.  That sucks, but okay, okay, it's what I have to do. 

Glad to have a non-eventful day

As I have been watching coverage of the devastation the east coast has endured because of the storm, I'm just reminded how precious everything is.  While I have been and continue to deal with painful medical issues, I'm grateful that it's nothing worse.  Don't get me wrong, the pain I live in every day is nothing I can ignore - my body makes sure I am well aware of pain - but big picture here ... I can deal with it.  I thank God that my family that lives in the middle of the storm is okay, that they didn't lose their home and that they're all safe.  It's just a huge reminder for me to count my blessings every single day.  I had an acupuncture appointment today and it was a painful one because my body is in pain, but the action I'm taking is all about healing.  As I laid there with a million needles sticking out of me, I was in a peaceful place.  I even fell asleep on the table ... twice ;-)  Eventually I will get to a place where I will feel better and so I always try to keep my eye on the prize.  I mean, I can consider myself a living, breathing miracle.  I was at 417 pounds when I started Optifast.  Today I can do things that I never even imagined I could do before, let alone hope for.  It will only continue getting better, even with the hills and valleys of life. 

Don't mean to complain, but ... seriously??

You know that saying, "When it rains, it pours?"  Well, I learned this week that that is the biggest friggin understatement ever.

As a follow up to my whole anemia vs. what's really wrong with me saga, I was able to get an appointment with a neurologist for Monday.  I already had meetings scheduled at work, but lovely friends/co-workers stepped in to cover for me so that I could keep the appointment (I just work with the best people ever.  Hands down.)  At the appointment, I am hoping there will be some answers.  I also need to face the very real possibility that it may be time to transition from a modified program on Optifast to getting back on food to lose the rest of the weight before going on maintenance.  That's only if they can't find out what's going on, but it's something I have to give serious consideration.  I'm not ready for that, at least not in my heart.  Yet, I wasn't ready to go on the modified fast either.  Ultimately, my health is the most important component of this and with incredible lightheadedness and weakness in my legs every single day, it's something that may be the common denominator in all of this.  Everybody reacts differently to taking products into their body and mine may just have had enough of it after eight months.  However, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Later that afternoon, I have to see my worker's comp doctor so he can look at the progress in my arms.  I'm still in major pain there and it hasn't gotten better since I saw him last month.

Then, later that evening, I have my Optifast class where I'll be stopping by the medical office before the meeting starts and review the findings of my appointment with the neurologist.  It may be at that time that I make some difficult decisions on whether to stay on the modified fast or do something different with the Optifast products.

Meanwhile, in about the last week or so, I have had horrible spots appear on my body that are very itchy.  I mean itchy!  Have you ever had a cast before and found yourself desperate to scratch the inside that you grabbed a wire hanger to stick down in there and go to town?  No?  Just me??  Well, memories of the summer I broke my arm during sixth grade came flooding back as I have been dealing with these spots that are overwhelmingly begging me to scratch them with every fiber of my being.  Come on Kathy, you know you want to scratch right there.  Right.  There.  Here's what my legs look like, just to give you a visual reference.

The pics don't even do justice.  My ankles are swollen and these spots are all over my legs with some now on my tummy, arms and back.  These are the prettier spots ... some are very splotchy and just kind of yucky to post on the blog.  They itch like mad so I decided to go in and see a doctor today to get some sort of relief.  [As a side note, when they were taking my vitals, the nurse was able to use a regular-sized blood pressure cuff on my upper arm for the first time in my life - up to now they've always had to use the thigh cuff to measure my blood pressure there.  That was a huge victory.]  The doc took pictures for dermatology but told me that essentially she thinks it's a bad rash since she was able to rule out other causes.  We couldn't pinpoint what it could be ... I have cats but they're indoor cats and don't have fleas, I haven't done any activity out of the ordinary lately, haven't eaten anything weird, nothing like that.  The doc told me that I wouldn't hear from her unless dermatology had concerns and wanted to see me and to just take some prescription-level ointment and Claritin.  The last time I had pics taken for dermatology was when the odd-shaped mole on my back led to a concern from the dermatology department and, after performing a biopsy, it turned out to be a form of deadly cancer, melanoma.  So, I was hoping I didn't hear a peep back from dermatology today.

I heard back from them.  

They want to see me after getting the pics and written report from the doc.  So I get to do that on Tuesday.  Meanwhile, the cream is not alleviating that feeling of wanting to scratch my skin, so I'm going mad over here right now.  Also on Tuesday, I meet with my physical medicine doctor to see how the progress is going on the back pain I'm trying to deal with.

Speaking of that, I had the second appointment with my acupuncturist today.  I practically cried during the portion of our visit where we talk first before she works on my body. We talked about body image and why in the hell I am hanging onto clothes that no longer fit me.  They are in boxes, ready to be donated to charity, but I haven't made the call yet.  In those boxes are a shitload of clothes that are from 1-9 sizes too big (I can't explain why I'm cussing so much tonight, but sometimes polite words just don't do it!).  I was wearing pants to our session today that are four sizes too big, held up by a belt that is also way too big on me.  I told her everything that is going on and the stress I'm feeling.  It just feels like my poor body is falling apart.  I know it's not and that it needs time to adjust to the drastic and sudden changes, but it feels a bit overwhelming.  Couple all of that with a stressful job that I happen to love, trying to go to school at night, not getting more than 3-4 hours of sleep at night, being in pain every moment of the day and just being pulled in so many different directions ... well it's no wonder that I just need to chill out as much as possible!!  I totally fell asleep on the table during acupuncture with numerous needles sticking out of me.  You can't even begin to imagine how soothing it is.  No, seriously, it's an incredibly calming feeling, especially with soft music playing in the background and the lights turned down low. 

Even with all the worries, fear and stress I'm feeling right now, I need to stay in the positives:

• I get to get some extra sleep this weekend
• I get to spend some time getting some extended physical activity in that I desperately crave
• I get to spend some girl time with a friend on Saturday that I haven't seen in a few weeks
• My health is so much improved ... no more high cholesterol, high blood pressure or high blood sugar.  In fact, those things are normal now.  The nurse practitioner at the Kaiser clinic referred to me as a "patient who used to have diabetes" when she was describing my situation to a colleague.  What do you mean used to have?

At the end of the day, my worst day in a thinner, healthier body is so much better than my best day in a 417-pound body.   This is a time of challenge for me, but I am rising to that challenge and feeling so much stronger as a result.

My foray into the world of acupuncture

Some of my test results from the lab work I did yesterday at Kaiser are still coming in, so it looks like I will have to wait until Monday when I go to the Optifast clinic to find out what is going on with the anemia.  In the meantime, I am continuing to deal with back pain, which I have talked about before (I know ... when it rains, it pours).  I have some pretty significant lower back pain that I am continuing to get treatment for with a physical therapist.  However, the physical medicine doctor also wanted me to start acupuncture treatments to see if that helps.  I was actually pretty surprised when she suggested it because the treatments are covered through Kaiser but with an outside provider.  That's pretty progressive for a large hospital group that follows western medicine to support the practice of eastern philosophies.

I have never had acupuncture treatments before and, honestly, didn't know much about it except I knew there were needles involved.  People I know that have had treatments swear by them and say how relaxing the experience is.  As far as I'm concerned, I am open-minded enough to at least give it a try, especially if it is going to help with the pain.  So, I selected a provider from the list Kaiser gave me that was located close to my office, not knowing much about this person at all.  It's hard to know who to pick when you don't have a frame of reference, but I did check out her website and everything seemed fine to me.  One thing that was surprising, and I guess it was a pre-conceived notion of mine, was that she was not Asian, as I just naturally assumed she would be.  Of course that was fine with me.  My ethnic background is that I am Filipino on my mom's side and a whole mix of European ancestry on my dad's side, so I definitely have the non-typical experience.  I just found it fascinating as we typically don't see someone who is non-Asian as an acupuncturist. 

I waited in the reception area while Kelly finished her work with another client and looked around.  Being the geek-a-zoid that  I am sometimes, I snapped this pic when I was alone.  The room was very soothing with exotic smells and soft music.  The artwork on the walls was definitely drawing me in and helping to let any stress I was feeling in the moment leave me.  I sat there and wondered to myself if it was possible to hope that the back pain I have been experiencing would somehow be alleviated through this process.  I always assumed the pain had to do with all the excess weight I was carrying around in the beginning.  After losing nearly 190 pounds, the pain is still there and that's why I knew I needed to seek treatment for it.  This whole experience with weight loss has really shown me that I was not doing a very good job of taking care of my needs.  If I am experiencing pain,  I have to say something.  That's a great thing to do.  Look at my experience with the anemia - had I never said anything about what I was going through, it would have been left undiagnosed.

It was now my turn to go into the main room where Kelly would be working with me to review my medical history before we got started.  When I got in the room, I was immediately concerned because I saw the exam table and wondered if it would support the weight of my body.  In my mind, I often times still see myself as I was when I first started my journey back in February at 417 pounds.  I hated the fact that I let my judgements about myself cloud my experience as I walked into the room, but decided that I needed to just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward figuratively, let alone physically.

We went through the paperwork I completed and she asked me a ton of questions.  She was floored when we talked about my weight loss.  It is something that still tickles me when I see the look of absolute shock on someone's face when they find out how much weight I have lost.  Literally, this woman did a double take and her jaw was practically on the floor.  Honestly, it is a very big deal and I really forget that sometimes as I go through my journey.  In fact, as I was describing everything to her, I started to get tears welling in my eyes.  This was not some arbitrary person I was talking about ... it's about me and my life.  I am doing a lot of things to change it and that feels really good.  She did tell me that the main focus of her work with me would be about the back issues, but she would also be helping me in a full-circle way so that we can deal with my light-headedness, inability to get good sleep and more.  First I would start off getting on the table and laying down on my back so that she could start treatments there and then eventually lay on my tummy for the second half.  She left me alone for a few minutes so that I could take off my shoes, socks and watch and then climb on the table while she grabbed some supplies.  Here is the table I found myself fearing.

Is it just me, or does it look little to you, too?  After she came back into the room, she explained what the needles were going to feel like and had me touch one so that I could tell how different they were from a typical needle.  To be honest, I wasn't feeling any concern about the pain.  Last summer, when I had melanoma and was prepping for surgery, the team had to perform some tests using these very large needles that went below the surface of my skin to determine if the cancer had spread to lymph nodes.  They described the feeling of bee stings with each needle insertion, which was a total of eight.  So, really, little acupuncture needles did not have the best of me in comparison.  Kelly briefly explained to me the theories behind acupuncture and finding my chi, describing the sensation I would be feeling at some points when the needles are inserted as something similar to a sort of fireworks coursing through my body.  Oh my gosh, she was so right about that.  When she put a needle in the middle of one of my legs as I was laying on my back, the sensation was felt on the entire right side of my body.  It was so unexpected, but also completely fascinating to me.

The whole experience was lovely, really.  I was utterly relaxed, even fell asleep on the table a couple of times when I was left alone to let the needles do their thing.  When she was done, she finished up with a massage on my back and calming lotion applied to the area where I have the back pain.  I have never had a massage before, not ever.  I always had a hard time with that because I was self-conscientious about being bigger and having someone else touching my body in a non-intimate moment.  I really recognized that so much of my life was spent not living and not being in the moment because of how I felt about the size of my body.  Yet, here I was allowing someone access to all of me and she wasn't turned off by it.  If anything, she was very tender and friendly.  Never did I feel judgement from her and, oh my gosh, I completely needed that.

So, I will be getting acupuncture treatments for a couple of months.  I'm really looking forward to this because, if this one visit was any indication, it is a very loving treatment towards my body and ultimately my soul.  As I allow her to touch my body when she provides treatment, I really am letting go more and more of the iron wall that I had silently built up over the years that kept me in the cocoon of obesity, protecting me from nothing.  This is a very good thing for me.