Emotion overload

Today was such an emotional day for me, but in a great and powerful way.  I got up this morning and knew it was my day to weigh in at the Optifast clinic.  On these days, I don't typically work out, just to give my body a little rest since I exercise every day.  However, my back has been hurting so I knew the exercise would do me good.  So I got dressed in capris and a t-shirt suitable for the heat outdoors.  I thought it would be good to take a picture or two before I headed out.  All along my journey, I have been taking pictures to document the weight loss.  I need to see with my own eyes the progress I have made and pictures do it for me.  When I put my little camera disc into the laptop and pulled up the image of what I saw, I audibly gasped.  I couldn't believe that was my body.  I'm not saying that in an ego way, as if my body is so fabulous, but because I just had a hard time believing it was actually me.  So, I compared it to a body shot taken in the same position about a month after starting Optifast.  In that first photo, I had already lost 45 pounds, but I was still significantly bigger than today.  I posted it in some Optifast groups on Facebook online, but here it is below:

How freaking shocking is that??  So, after this, I went out to exercise.  It was such a beautiful day.  I did my three miles, which included some hills.  It was a little hotter today, so I was feeling it by the time I was nearing the end.  However, I was focusing on the music in my ears so I wasn't paying too much attention to that.  Then a song came on my iPod that I just happen to love.  It's called Beautiful Things (click on the link to see a video).  It's a song that talks about God's love for us and how He makes things new.  It talks about feeling broken, but we are made not only new, but beautiful.  It's very powerful!  I have never felt beautiful, or even pretty or cute, even now with all of the weight loss.  It's a hurt deep inside that I have to deal with to understand why I feel the way I do and perhaps discover how I can possibly move forward with these feelings about myself.  Even more, I want to change the feelings because I know I am not as awful as I make myself out to be.

As I was listening to this song, I could feel tears start to form.  I was reflecting back on my journey so far and what direction I am headed in.  I weighed 417 pounds when I began in February.  Actually, I found out yesterday that it wasn't even my highest weight .. that was 420.  But I started at 417, with so many physical ailments, convinced that I was headed to an early death because of how poorly I was doing.  Yet, the moment I started Optifast, things started to drastically change.  People often times will ask me how on earth it is that I am doing this, seemingly so easily.  They want to know where my strength and resolve is coming from.  It is only by the grace of God that this is happening.  I mean, think about it ... I have lost nearly 163 pounds in just over five months.  Is it because I exercise more and have more discipline?  I don't think so.  I believe in my heart that God gives me the strength and faith to trust Him and lean on Him to do the miraculous.  Yes, I do put in the work to lose the weight, but I am given the strength to do so.  There is an incredible peace about me that I can't even describe.  By the time I got home, I took off my shoes, sat on my bed ... and wept.  Like a child.  I was basked in a tremendous about of gratitude and thankfulness.  No matter what the scale was going to say later on in the evening at my class, it didn't matter.  I already felt like a winner in that moment.

So now, if you'll notice in my weight loss ticker at the top of my blog, I have 94.5 pounds to go to get to my goal weight.  I am being made new, right before my very eyes.  At my class tonight, my counselor told me that since I lose weight so fast, I can start transitioning to food when I am twenty pounds from my final number.  He doesn't want me to wait beyond that because I shouldn't go below the goal if at all possible.  That feels manageable to me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's a slam dunk, as if it isn't hard work.  Hellooooo, I know it is hard work.  When I first started, it was going to require that I lose 257 pounds to get to my goal.  So under 95 feels completely feasible.  There is some fear that I am feeling getting so small.  Several people even called me skinny today!  I know I'm not there, but that's the direction I'm headed in.  I have been overweight my entire life.  How do I live in a world where that is no longer my identity?  Those are things I will have to tackle along the way.  For now, though, I'm just so humbled and happy.  One more thing to think about:  the weight on my driver's license is no longer a lie ;-)