Checking in

I've been having really busy days lately but I did want to check in.  I find that when I'm not writing on this blog or in my journal, I'm not as connected as I need to be towards living as healthfully as I can.  Speaking of which, my blood sugar has been low the last several days so much that I have had to cut back on the medication.  I've actually been so shaky when I come home from work each day that it feels like I'm going to pass out.  That's a dangerous place to be in, of course.  It's been great seeing that I can eat foods with carbs in them and still have normal or below normal numbers.  It's so difficult to describe the emotions I go through when dealing with my diabetes.  I can do all the right things in the world, but when my blood sugar still won't normalize, it makes me feel like a big loser.  I know that it's not my fault (it is a disease after all), but it's hard to convince my head of that sometimes.  I don't know why I have convinced myself that I have some character defect if my body is in pain or blood sugar is high.  I suppose it's easier to blame ourselves.  This weight gain has been so difficult on many fronts, including how it affects my thinking about myself.  Yet, I am trying very hard to catch it as those thoughts come up.  I've said many times that I'm a scrappy little fighter and that couldn't be truer than it is these days.  I refuse to give up on myself and my efforts to be in a healthy body.  I also acknowledge the fact that I am supremely blessed.  On this day of remembrance, 9/11, there are many people who are no longer with us that I'm sure would willingly welcome the challenges I deal with each day.  That's not to discount how I'm feeling, but just really looking at the other side of the coin.  Now as I end my day, I can look back at it with an immense sense of gratitude for the things I do have today, right in this moment.  The weight will come off in the pace that it is supposed to leave me.  Only God knows that for sure.  I'll still do my part -  move my body and eat right. In fact, today I was marveling at the fact that I actually enjoy my gala apples and baby carrots.  Who knew!  I look forward to how good my body feels when I feed it with the right foods.  Really, that's a high no drug could possibly every fulfill in my life.  To feel good feels incredible.