Our clinic is closed today because of the holiday, so I have had to weigh myself on a different scale. It is one that is accurate, though, so I've lost 6.6 pounds this week, for a total loss of 115.6. This is really incredible. I am so grateful to God for supremely blessing me. I will soon reach my lowest weight ever, but not stop there and keep going. It's a very exciting time for me, but totally unprecedented as well. I could never had imagined a day when I would have a normal body size. That's sort of a weird thing for me.
On a separate note, my mother has been staying with me over the long weekend. We definitely have grown a lot in our relationship. I couldn't even stand a day with her, let alone several. Just as I have changed over time, so has she. There is no longer a hint of the abusive monster that I grew up with. Obviously God was doing a work in her just as He has been doing with me. When she came to my house on Saturday and saw me again, she said I looked incredible. She then asked me what was the weight I started out at. That question made my stomach drop. It's very difficult for me to say the number out loud because I have tremendous shame around it. I told her, "Mom, you don't want to know." Her response to me is that it doesn't matter. I looked at her, gulped, and said, "I was 417 pounds." She had a tear appear in her eye and I could tell it pained her just as much as it did me. She thought my highest weight was 350 pounds, but I know that's because I'm tall at 5'9". My weight always distributed evenly, so most people never could guess what I actually weighed. For me, there is just a secret around my weight and part of why I post it here on my blog. I don't ever want to go back to that weight again and there's that old saying that we're as sick as our secrets. So when I decided to do this blog, I also decided that I was going to be as transparent as possible. I need to work through what got me to that spot in the first place and do things to ensure I don't go back. There is tremendous pain in my heart that centers around how incredibly sick I was. Each day, though, my health is being restored not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
One Month post-DS
1 year ago
2 comments:
I still have not offered the number to anyone. I'm not sure if I can ever say it.
It is a very hard thing to do, but it's also pretty freeing as well. It's a secret I have been carrying around close to the vest and to let it go is like lifting a thousand pounds off my back.
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