Monday, May 28, 2012

Weekly weigh-in & my visiting mom

Our clinic is closed today because of the holiday, so I have had to weigh myself on a different scale.  It is one that is accurate, though, so I've lost 6.6 pounds this week, for a total loss of 115.6.  This is really incredible.  I am so grateful to God for supremely blessing me.  I will soon reach my lowest weight ever, but not stop there and keep going.  It's a very exciting time for me, but totally unprecedented as well.  I could never had imagined a day when I would have a normal body size.  That's sort of a weird thing for me.

On a separate note, my mother has been staying with me over the long weekend.  We definitely have grown a lot in our relationship.  I couldn't even stand a day with her, let alone several.  Just as I have changed over time, so has she.  There is no longer a hint of the abusive monster that I grew up with.  Obviously God was doing a work in her just as He has been doing with me.  When she came to my house on Saturday and saw me again, she said I looked incredible.  She then asked me what was the weight I started out at.  That question made my stomach drop.  It's very difficult for me to say the number out loud because I have tremendous shame around it.  I told her, "Mom, you don't want to know."  Her response to me is that it doesn't matter.  I looked at her, gulped, and said, "I was 417 pounds."  She had a tear appear in her eye and I could tell it pained her just as much as it did me.  She thought my highest weight was 350 pounds, but I know that's because I'm tall at 5'9".  My weight always distributed evenly, so most people never could guess what I actually weighed.  For me, there is just a secret around my weight and part of why I post it here on my blog.  I don't ever want to go back to that weight again and there's that old saying that we're as sick as our secrets.  So when I decided to do this blog, I also decided that I was going to be as transparent as possible.  I need to work through what got me to that spot in the first place and do things to ensure I don't go back.  There is tremendous pain in my heart that centers around how incredibly sick I was.  Each day, though, my health is being restored not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.


Truth Teller said...

I still have not offered the number to anyone. I'm not sure if I can ever say it.

Kathy said...

It is a very hard thing to do, but it's also pretty freeing as well. It's a secret I have been carrying around close to the vest and to let it go is like lifting a thousand pounds off my back.

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