Pre-op class #21, weekly weigh-in and biopsies

I knew I had gained weight over the last two weeks and my class tonight confirmed it ... eight pounds.  Egads.  Yuck.  It's funny, I walked into my Kaiser class in a good mood.  Some of my friends even commented how good I looked.  I got on the scale and everything seemed to change.  My shoulders sort of slumped down and I seemed to drag myself back to my seat.  It wasn't a surprise to me though.  I wish I could say I had been doing all the right things but I wasn't.  I  hadn't been tracking my food every day like I was before and I certainly wasn't getting in all my exercise.  I'm not here to make excuses though.  It is what it is and the best I can do is to just be honest and move forward.

Tonight's class was about body image.  One of the exercises we did was to go around the room and say one thing we liked about our bodies.  Then, when we did that, our facilitator made us come up with one other thing.  Two whole things we like?  Hmm, why not just pull teeth out of my mouth without novacane?  That's what it felt like to me.  My two items were (1) my smile and (2) the strength I have to handle the chronic pain in my leg without crying in the corner day after day.  Body image is certainly something I need to work on.  As our facilitator pointed out, we need to work on loving and appreciating our bodies now, just as they are, and not waiting until some magical day when we have the surgery.  I get that.  We have to love ourselves before we can ever begin to take really good care of ourselves.  I remember when I had lost almost 200 pounds on Optifast.  Believe this or not, it was incredibly difficult for me to see any difference in my body from the 420-pound body I started out at.  I would go into stores and pick up the biggest size they had, like I used to do, not realizing that I could fit into 16's.  That's a distorted body image.  Some suggestions for things I can do to improve my body image, as described in our workbook, include:

• Concentrate on things I do well.
• Do physical things for fun.
• Voice my opinions against poor body image messages others give me.
• Be a role model of positive image.
• Get rid of clothes that don't fit.
• Don't buy clothing that I hope will fit me someday.
• Remember that I am personality AND a body.
• Remind myself of my positive qualities, not my size.
• Be less critical of my weight.
• Look at my body non-judgmentally.

Speaking of body image, boy do I have a story to tell about the visit to my dermatologist's office!  In yesterday's post I wrote about my check-up appointment with the doctor today.  I go about every 4-6 months now for a full-body check to make sure there are no questionable moles, discoloration or otherwise suspicious spots.  Up to this point, I have had five biopsies on my body after melanoma was first discovered.  I'm at the point that if something looks suspicious, the doc doesn't have to do anything to convince me to have it removed for a biopsy.  I would rather err on the side of caution then have that deadly cancer in my body again.  

So, anyway, I get to the appointment and I'm checking my cell phone while waiting my turn.  Usually a nurse will call from a door across the room but today someone came right up to me and asked my name.  "Miss B.?"  I looked up into the eyes of a clean cut, athletic, blue-eyed man who was smiling down at me and I wondered how he knew to come right up to me with a room full of patients and why was he so incredibly attractive?  He brought me back to the room, had me sit in a chair and then proceeded to check my blood pressure.  He seemed like he was flirty with me and I immediately looked at his ring finger.  Nope, nothing there.  I don't know why I did that, just habit I guess.  It's not like I was coming to the doctor's office to look for a date! After he was done doing his thing, he gave me a gown to get into for Dr. K, my dermatologist, as he left.  Dr. K. is this slight little man, a very good doctor who I feel very comfortable with.  

There were two spots on my body that were concerning.  I'm going to tell you about them so you can appreciate what I went through.  The first was under my left arm, right near the incision point where the melanoma surgeon checked my lymph nodes to ensure the cancer hadn't spread.  There was a mole there Dr. K didn't like the look of during my last visit, so he looked at it again and wanted to biopsy it.  Then, he went on inspecting the rest of my body.  This is the time where I feel as big as a house.  He doesn't make me feel that way, it's just the way I feel.  It's about my insecurities and body image issues.  Then I told Dr. K. that there was an area in my pubic region (TMI, sorry!) that had a discolored spot and I was concerned.  I wondered aloud to him if I should have my gynecologist look at it first but he told me, no, he could take a look at it.  Because I was going to have at least one biopsy done, he needed to call in his nurse for assistance, and particularly because we were going to look at the second one in a sensitive area.

So who comes bounding into the room after Dr. K. opened the door and called out for assistance?  Nurse McHottie.  Dr. K. went on to say to me that McHottie comes from the neurology department and he has a lot of experience.  There's a certain age you reach when you decide that you aren't going to be shy any more in front of medical professionals, but dang it, why did it have to be in front of someone who should be arrested for being so good-looking?  The first thing they were going to look at was the private area.  So Dr. K. holds a hand-held mirror, Nurse McHottie helps me up on a step ladder and they are both standing in front of me as I lower my underwear down so they could take a look at the area that I identified as an issue.  Could I be any more mortified???  Dr. K. is staring at it with his dermatology tools and said, "Yup, we better biopsy this area, too."  I laid on the table while he injected a numbing agent into me and proceeded to ask me if I had any plans for the summer.  Seriously?  Seriously?  McHottie was on the side trying to keep me calm.  Then, after that was done, I had to lay on my side with my arm above my head in just a bra so that they could biopsy the other area.  A numbing agent went in there too and Dr. K. was still trying to coax out of me my summer plans.  After he was done and started typing things into the computer, McHottie was treating the wound and putting band-aids on me.  While all of this was going on, I was fully aware that we were flirting just a few minutes before.  It was innocent little flirting, nothing that made me uncomfortable.  Here I was, boobs spilling out of my bra, gown practically off my body and feeling pain.  Like I said, M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D.

As I sit here now, I have to chuckle to myself.  The irony was not lost on me that we were talking about body image things today.  It's in these moments that I realize I just have to get over myself.  Yes, I'm self-conscious but there's no need to be.  McHottie was not the first person to flirt with me recently, I've actually had a handful of others.  I always say there's something in the water in a joking way, rationalizing that the reason men are hitting on me is because it's a full moon.  It's such a self-deprecating thing to do.  At least I could see the humor in the situation.  In terms of the biopsies, if I hear from the doctor on the phone, it means something came back malignant (not good) but if I receive them in the mail, then it means they are benign (fine).  Here's hoping the phone doesn't ring!

There is a really big reason I'm hating the upcoming summer

I'm in a bit of a foul mood today.  I own it and I'm not trying to wallow in it, but I just had to put it out there.  I went to Lane Bryant to find a top.  I have an event to attend on Sunday and so I wanted to see if they had anything there.  I've been recycling the same tops until I get into the next size down.  Lord have mercy, I can't wait until I can wave goodbye to LB.  Everything was either see-through, tank tops or sweaters, not to mention costing an arm and a leg.  I found a top and it fit fine, but it's just too sheer for my event and a tank top doesn't look right underneath it.  While I was there, I decided to try on some bathing suits.  That, my friends, is the really big reason I hate when summer arrives.  Normally, eight weeks off of work and a relaxing summer sounds lovely, but the very idea of sporting a bathing suit right now is completely unappealing to me.  Most of the bathing suits had built-in, padded, push-up bras or just some amazing contraption to squeeze the girls together.

As I looked in the mirror with the bathing suits I tried on, I just got really frustrated and mad.  I don't want to hang out by the pool or at the beach with my boobs on display.  Every single one of those damn suits did that to me.  I have been hit on quite a bit lately through my Twitter and Facebook accounts and I realized that I had profile pics with a revealing top on.  My friends are trying to convince me it's because of my smile and cute hair, but men tend to really like, ahem, prominent cleavage.  Besides that, I just really was unhappy with my arms, legs and belly in the bathing suits.  I finally just walked away and convinced myself that I would rather not subject myself to the stares I will get because of the boobs or because I will feel like the biggest one on the beach.  Yuck, I really did have a hard time with this because I can hear my negativity leaping off the computer screen.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will not be trying on bathing suits.  My dad is coming into town for a visit.  It's really a horrible time for me to host a visit because I have a lot going on at work and was planning on doing some work at home this weekend.  But, he is driving all the way in from Utah so the least I can do is be a good hostess.  Besides, I am looking forward to seeing him.  I just need to figure out how to relax.  I'm grateful my dad is still in my life, alive and well, so I'll take a visit any way I can get it.

What exactly is an eating disorder?

I started working on the packet of questions and answers I have to return to the surgeon's office as part of the process to get bariatric surgery.  I knew it was going to be pretty intense, so I wanted to spend some time focusing on the questions and being as thorough as possible.  From history, I know these sorts of things are pretty invasive.  I was prepared to see things asking about all the diets I've been on, checking boxes in regards to conditions I've had, describing previous surgeries and that sort of thing.  They ask everything under the sun and I have had a lot of the ailments.

Sleep Apnea - yes
Diabetes - yes
Osteoarthritis - yes
Cancer - yes
Fatigue - yes
Numbness - yes
Dizziness - yes

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.  They were looking for dates, names of doctors I've seen and many more details that I just couldn't remember.  I did remember, though, that I could log into my Kaiser account online and grab some info.  I found a handy PDF that I was able to download with some vital information.  It was actually a pretty nifty document with so much detail.  I started perusing it and then I got to a section that talked about my active problems.  The list of conditions is ongoing and the dates for these things is reflected by the last time a diagnosis was put in to the system.  I think they also group things together.  I didn't see a listing for the osteoarthritis, for example, but I know it has been diagnosed.

I recently had a little bit of a high reading on my last two blood pressure check-ups, so my doctor put me on some medication until I go in for surgery.  I knew about that one.  The one that surprised me, though, was the diagnoses noted on February 19th of this year for an eating disorder.  I thought about who I saw at that time and that was just after I had an appointment with my therapist.

I just stared at it, almost in disbelief.  I had never before had a medical professional tell me that I had that. When most people think of an eating disorder, the things that come to mind are those who suffer from anorexia or bulimia.  Think about what you hear in the news.  Never is someone who is obese given the same consideration because we're thought of as not being able to control ourselves versus, for example, someone who is bulimic and just can't stop purging.  At the end of the day, isn't it the same disease, just manifested in a different way?  I started to wonder and so I looked up some information.

The National Eating Disorders Association describes a binge eating disorder with details such as "indications that the binge eating is out of control, such as eating when not hungry, eating to the point of discomfort ..."  The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders explains binge eating disorder as, among other things, "cravings that can occur any time of the day or night, usually secretive, and filled with shame.  Bingeing is often rooted in poor body image, use of food to deal with stress, low self-esteem and tied to dysfunctional thoughts."

Wow.  That's pretty intense on one hand and, on the other, it also is amazing that the medical community is starting to look at this with more consideration.  I do want to spend some time looking at those websites a little more, as well as others.  This helps me feel less stigmatized in a sense.  Even when I went to the talk with the surgeon the other day, he kept talking about how obesity is a disease and that we need to take serious action towards eradicating it.  This is exactly why I am pursing weight loss surgery.  I have tried a million things to try to lose the weight and keep it off.  I mean, think about what I did when I was on Optifast ... I ate no solid food for eight or nine months.  I even got permission to take communion at church once a month to make sure I wasn't ruining anything.  Clearly I have given it my all before taking the radical step of having surgery.

While the diagnosis of "eating disorder" initially was pretty shocking to me, I can see now where actually it was a blessing in disguise.  I really don't have to feel like this is a judgment towards my character or feeling as if I'm lazier than other people.  There is a treatment plan in place for me to help put it in remission.  I pray daily for the courage to keep walking forward through all the hills and valleys that I encounter on my journey towards a healthier life.

Pre-op class #12, weekly weigh-in & seeing my therapist

Last night was class number 12 of my pre-op bariatric classes through Kaiser.  Hooray, we're halfway there!  I find myself looking forward to the classes every week, not only because of what we may be talking about but also because my fellow classmates are an amazing group of people.  We had a speaker who shared her experience of having the gastric sleeve done about a year and a half ago.  She even revealed her stomach with the excess skin.  For some people, that might have been discouraging since it seems most have a huge hope that they will be the person who does not end up with loose skin.  With the amount of weight I need to lose, I am realistic and know I will be sporting excess skin.  But I look at it this way:  would I rather have excess skin or a round body that fills up all my skin?  Besides, I lost 192 pounds before ... I know exactly what my body looked like at the time.  My tummy wasn't bad at all compared to my thighs.  I had major excess skin there.  Yet, I accept it for what it is and would gladly have that problem versus being overweight and unhealthy.  My whole thing with having the weight loss surgery has been about quality of life issues.

In terms of my weigh-in, I lost another two pounds.  Yay!  I'm happy to steadily be going down, down, down.  That's a 16 pound loss since I started the classes, which I will gladly take.  During my Spring Break this week, I have been trying to stay as active as possible.  This morning, for example, I decided that I was going to go to one of our local lakes that has a five mile course around it and get a good walk in.  It's been hot here, in the 90's, but I figured that since I was walking in the morning, it wouldn't be so bad.  I wasn't intending on walking all the way around the lake, but maybe doing about three miles or so.  How bad can exercise be when there's such a pretty view?  This is a picture of part of the lake on the right.  As I parked my car and prepared my gear for the walk, I thought to myself, "Hmm, feels a little warm."  Despite how pretty it was, I was sweating in a matter of a few minutes and decided to turn my shrinking butt around and head back to my car.  It was just way to hot for comfort (I found out later it was 95 degrees).  I did a mile there and then decided that the air conditioned comfort of my gym had my name all over it!  I ended up doing three more miles on the treadmill with the cool air surrounding me.  Ahhhh.

Prior to my class yesterday, I had a session with my therapist.  Man, that was incredibly emotional.  I'm one of those people who refuses to lie to her therapist because, really, what's the point of that?  When I get honest, especially about things that I carefully avoid talking about to other people, the emotions seem to smack me in the face and leave me feeling incredibly vulnerable.  One of the first things we talked about is something that has been bothering me for quite some time.  In the last year or two, my fear of heights has gotten to a debilitating level and it's really concerning me.  I've always had a fear of heights, ever since I was a small child.  Lately, though, it's crossed over into almost a terror feeling.  I will avoid heights, no matter if it's a few feet off the ground or several stories.  I think it's not even about the height necessarily but the fear of falling.  I was recently walking with a friend on a very small bridge and told her I had to turn around.  When you look at the bridge we were on, you would probably question my sanity because it was not that high at all.  It's just an awful feeling for me inside.  My heart starts racing, my legs become rubbery and I go into a panic attack.  It's a horrible feeling that I can't really describe well, but it is a true fear for me.  Suffice it to say that I avoid heights at all costs.  It's been bothering me a lot, though, because I feel absolutely disabled by it.  So we're going to start treatment in regards to that.  I know this means that, through the therapy, I will likely eventually have to get back on a bridge or some such thing.  I'm tired of avoiding it, though.  There are things I simply won't do because heights are involved.

The other half of the session focused in on the issue I described in my last post - feeling "less than" and body image.  Thank you to those who were so sweet to leave me a message.  We really delved into my history with men, from being raped, having a period of high promiscuity to even how things ended with my ex-boyfriend.  I was in absolute tears talking to her.  It's not as if I'm planning on looking to start a relationship right now.  With my preparation for surgery, I have a lot on my plate and getting involved with someone is not something I want to do.  Can you imagine dating and having to explain why you're only eating tiny bits of food or somehow experience "dumping" in front of them?  That would be incredibly embarrassing.  The feelings that I'm going through right now are more about loving and accepting myself now.  We definitely are our own worst critics, me included.  I don't want to look in the mirror and think of myself as an ugly, unworthy, hideous human being any longer.  That's not fair, to myself or anyone else that tells me I'm opposite of that.  I even had a man checking me out several times at the gym today.  If that's not a boost, then I don't know what is!  These are feelings I don't verbalize with other people, but I do want to be able to get to a point where I can appreciate myself in the same way others do.  I don't want to constantly stare in the mirror and tear myself down.  So I'm bringing these feelings out and talking about them with my therapist.  She told me she wants to see me more often, which I'm happy to do.  I want to move past the self-criticism into a healthier existence - body, mind and soul.

Water Challenge Day 75:  Drank 180 of 178 ounces 

Facing my stuff head-on

I'm on vacation this coming week for Spring Break since I work at a school.  So it's nice to be able to post this at whatever time I want because I know I don't have to get up at 5:30 a.m. in the morning.  Ah!  I had a really nice day here in Sunny California.  I started it out walking at the beach with one of my friends.  I knew that it was going to be hot one when I started feeling sweat on my neck within about 15 minutes.  My friend, who does photography, asked me if I would be willing to do a photo shoot with her.  She's building her portfolio and asked if I would like to do some pre-surgery pics, during the weight loss phase pics and then some after pics.  What a really cool idea!  Of course I said yes.  I saw some of the portraits she's already done and it's amazing work.  I can't wait to post them here on my blog in the future.

After running around when I finished that exercise, I met another friend for dinner.  I had my eating plan in mind when I suggested where we could meet so that I could keep things within a reasonable calorie count.  We went to a Mexican place that has a lot of grilled items, so I felt great about going there.  I didn't partake in the tortilla chips or order a margarita.  Trust me, I wanted a margarita, but I didn't go there.  When she got hers, I wasn't even salivating over it.  That's a lot of progress for me because I love me a yummy, slushy margarita.  For dinner, I ordered a jalapeno barbecue salmon with black beans and roasted veggies.  I know, sounds amazing, right?  Yes, I took a picture!

I ended up scraping about half of the barbecue sauce off the salmon because it was just too much for me.  It was also too much food in general, so I took half of it home.

My friend and I had such a great time together.  I had suggested we sit at a table because the whole booth thing makes me nervous ... I'm always afraid that I'm not going to fit.  I haven't had the experience yet of that, but I never want to have to deal with this time being the time where it happens.  She told the host that we wanted a booth in the back and I decided to just let it go.  Thankfully I was able to get in there, although it was a pretty tight fit.

As we were talking about everything under the sun, as girls tend to do, she asked me if I was currently dating anyone.  All of a sudden, every insecurity I have about myself came to the surface.  I told her no and she asked me why not.  I felt like saying, "What do you mean why not ... can't you see what I look like?"  She asked me if I was ready to date (after my breakup with my ex-boyfriend) and I told her that I think I am, but many times I just don't feel very attractive at all to men.  She looked at me with confusion.  I confessed to her that any time one of my friends has called me beautiful or pretty, I silently wonder inside why they would say something like that because I just don't feel like it's true.  She sat across from me and told me that I am pretty and I am beautiful.  I did thank her for saying that.

So often I just feel almost inhuman.  Part of me wonders if things will be better when I'm down to a more normal size and then other part of me says that I have to live the life I have now, not wait for some magical day in the future.  So we talked about that for a while.  I completely own the fact that I have low self-esteem when it comes to my body image.  She suggested that I think about putting myself out there.  In our conversation, she mentioned a dating app for my phone that has worked for others she knows and explained the concept a little.  I have dated before online, when I was younger and much more reckless.  In some ways, dating that way has changed and, in other ways, it's still the same.  But you just don't know until you try.  I did download the app, although I haven't opened it up yet.  It may take me a little while to get the courage up to move forward on it, but at least I'm willing to try.  It is a nice way to put myself out there and just see what happens.  I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and I think I need to talk about the whole body image thing.  It's really time to deal with it so that I feel better about myself as a worthwhile, deserving human being.  In many ways, I know that I am a precious child of God.  In other ways, I feel like such an unlovable "thing" that children point at in a crowd.

This is my stuff I don't like facing head-on because I have to be honest around those feelings and it's uncomfortable for me.  Part of keeping weight on, for many people, is a sense of a protective barrier.  If I don't let you in, you can't hurt me.  That all goes back to being abused and raped when I was a child.  Tack on what my ex-boyfriend did to me, and it's no wonder I'm a little afraid to move towards another relationship.  The other side of that, though, is that I want to be in a relationship again.  I don't like being alone and I never have.  So we shall see what direction I move in.  Ugh.

Water Challenge Day 74:  Drank 194 of 179 ounces

(I felt like I was going to float away!)

My efforts at jogging and mindful eating

Alright, so I didn't actually jog per se.  Yesterday on my first full day of using the Fitbit Zip, I got in 10,000 steps.  That's what I wanted so it was great.  Today I had about 2,000 steps left to reach that goal so I started walking around my house since it was already dark outside.  Then I found myself, for some unexplained reason, jogging to get my steps in.  Why?  Hell if I know.  I went from that to jogging in place to get everything in. I only have so much room indoors when I factor in furniture, bedrooms and two cats that think it's the best entertainment in the world to watch me jogging while laying in my path.  That's something I haven't done in years.  I avoid it because of the osteoarthritis in my knee but also because of my weight and boobs.  Let's just say the girls are not the type designed for jogging or running.  I got all of my steps in, though.  In fact, I did it with room to spare.  I love how this little gadget really motivates me to move more.  I think for accountability, I'll post a screen shot of how I do daily somewhere on my blog.  I'm so glad I spent the money on myself.  A lot of times in life, at least this is the case for me, I willingly give towards other people but I'm always the last one on the list.  For some reason, I think my brain has been conditioned that I don't deserve special treats or even just being healthy.

On to mindful eating.  While I am working with a different therapist now, the one right before her (that retired in January) talked to me at some point last year about looking into the idea of mindful eating.  She recommended a book, which I diligently bought, but never really gave a chance.  The idea of mindful eating is to approach food and body image from a different perspective so that you eventually change your relationship with food.  It can help those that are emotional eaters and so I knew it was something for me to consider.  I have just started to read the book again and it is actually really great.  It gives mental exercises to do each day, so it's not just about reading advice and then moving on.  I think I'll share them on here as I go through the book.  Any help I can get with changing eating patterns is something I'm definitely willing to try.  I am approaching this with an open mind, just as I am doing with the weight loss surgery.  At this point, I am not closed off to anything.  If you want the same results, then you keep doing the same thing.  Not this girl!  I want things to change.  That means I'm out of my comfort zone a lot, but that can be okay, too.  Just scary a lot of the time!

Water Challenge Day 73:  Drank 179 of 179 ounces

Amazing news!

My day went pretty well, although I got reminded of that I am a larger person.  Of course I know I am, but there are moments when I'm going merrily along in my life that I just forget.  I feel almost normal in those moments, as if I'm not the biggest one in the room or no one is focused on my weight.  I had two such reminders to sort of punch me in the gut.

The first was when I had to crawl under my desk at work for a duck and cover drill we had at our high school.  Living in California, we do have earthquakes quite a bit along fault lines to varying degrees of intensity so we have to prepare for worst case scenarios as much as possible.  The drill required us to hold in position under the desk for about a minute. A minute is not very long for most things, but when you're trying to get your body in a contorted position and have to hold it when it hurts to be sitting in a normal upright position most of the time, let me just say it was beyond uncomfortable.  It hurt in ways and in places it shouldn't hurt.  When there is a large amount of excess weight, things hurt indescribably.  I'm sure I don't have to explain this to most people.

Then, after student lunch, my friend and I went for a walk to get some exercise in during our lunch hour.  It was even my idea!  I thought it would be great to do because we haven't really been walking since I was sick this month. Since it was about 75 degrees out and so I thought it would be good for me.  We have several places we can walk in the neighborhood surrounding the high school.  We took a course that we normally walk.  It takes about 40 minutes and we usually do about 2 miles.  I'm still having respiratory issues, so I knew I would need to walk not as fast, so I slowed my friend down during the times when she was walking a bit too quickly for me.  I hate to admit this, but I was miserable during the walk.  I really enjoyed being outdoors getting fresh air and spending the time chatting with my friend, but I sweated a lot.  That's what happens when you're bigger.  When I was on Optifast, I went through being too cold all the time because I had lost a ton of weight.  Now I'm too hot.  By the time we got back to the office, I had sweat dripping off my neck, some around my boobs making my bra damp and I was breathing heavy.  I was starting to feel sorry for myself, comparing my 371-pound body against her 120-pound body.  If I would have admitted that to her, she would have scolded me for even thinking that way and she would have been absolutely right.  However, I did catch myself after a few minutes, just remembering that I don't have the right to do that to myself.  I'm a work in progress and I have to keep reminding myself of that.  When I forget, the lovely people in my life do a great job of doing it for me.

My little pity party didn't last long because just an hour or two after that happened, I got some really fantastic news ... I got into grad school!!!  Yahooooo ;-) I was so excited, more than I could express.  I have worked very hard to get to a place where I could even apply to grad school, let alone be accepted. That was the most amazing news and I've had so many people just as happy for me today.  When I was growing up, I felt pretty stupid.  I was given this message when I was younger when I was told that I was worthless and should just get a job when I was done with high school.  Even during my high school years, I ended up finishing at a continuation high school.  Not because I couldn't do the work, but because of a traumatic event that made me decide skipping school for six weeks was a pretty good thing to do (it wasn't).  Instead of choosing to come back as a fifth-year senior, which you could do at the time, I elected to finish high school elsewhere.  So to go from that to going to graduate school is beyond description for me.  The take away from this is that no matter what your circumstances, if you want something and work hard for it, anything is within the realm of possibility.  Hmm Kathy, that probably applies to losing weight, too!

Water Challenge Day 15:  Drank 186 of 186 ounces

Sleeping and body image

My mother went home after spending four days at my house.  It's nice to have my place to myself again, although I do miss her.  I know that she will be living with me in the future, probably after she retires from her job, so these little visits over are good.  She's alone and, especially as she gets older, I don't want her living by herself.  I really am more amazed each day at hour our relationship just continues to grow and flourish, especially after such an abusive childhood.  This helps me see that really all things are possible.

It looks like my APAP machine (CPAP with auto adjustment features) is in so I'm going tomorrow to get a fitting.  I told the person on the phone that the mask I was given to do the sleep study just isn't working for me and that I'd like to have the nasal pillow.  It was pretty amazing in how easy that conversation went because they told me it wouldn't be a problem.  I'm so grateful to have insurance because the machine along with everything associated is completely free to me.

My biggest problem with sleep is that the only position I can sleep in is on my tummy.  That's normally fine, but that is not going to work after I get the gastric bypass surgery done.  What happens to me is that I'll lay on my back and I'll start to fall asleep, but then I either snore or stop breathing and then I wake up.  I've tried many different positions to make it happen - bigger pillows, smaller pillows, sitting up, laying perfectly flat.  No matter what I do, I just can't get to sleep.  This is a big reason I decided to get on the machine for the sleep apnea so early when my surgery won't be for another eight months or so ... I need the time to adjust.  My dad said he has the same problem but he was able to overcome it eventually with the nasal pillow.  He said it did take time and patience, but it is doable.  Lord help me but I pray that the surgery will aid in getting rid of the sleep apnea altogether.

Speaking of the surgery, I'm feeling really antsy.  It is months away and I just want to get going with it already.  I know a big part of that is that I've been having some really major body image issues coming up lately.  This morning when I was changing my clothes and looking in the mirror, I focused on my thighs.  The excess on my upper thigh feels like a growth to me, even though I know in my head it is not.  I recently watched a program on TLC, Half Ton Killer, and I know I am comparing my body to hers.  It's the story of a woman who weighed over 1,000 pounds and was accused of killing her little nephew by accidentally rolling over on him while babysitting him.

Obviously I don't weigh 1,000 pounds.  I just sat there staring at the screen and looking at the mass of flesh surrounding her, feeling so broken-hearted for her but also feeling as though I am the same way.  There are so many physical limitations that she has that she is now bed-ridden.  I wondered how she could get to that extreme point without doing something about it, but then realized I am in the same situation.  Sure, it's not as drastic as hers, but it seems like I closed my eyes one day and wondered how all the weight piled on without me really recognizing how bad it had gotten.  Obviously I saw what was happening, but I guess it just goes to show me how much of an addiction food is to me, just like alcohol is to the alcoholic.

Whether this was before I went on Optifast or after the weight came back, the devastation is still just as strong.  I just don't want to feel the physical and emotional pain of obesity any more.  I don't want to continue putting my life at risk being this size.  I know there is a process I need to go through with the surgery and the next stage of that will happen in about three weeks with me starting the six-months of classes. I just want it now.  I want to close my eyes and fast forward to the time I can have the surgery done.  It's hard being in this body and not feeling shame when I look in the mirror.

Of course, in the meantime, I do have the opportunity to be proactive and do my best to be as healthy as I can right now.  Kaiser has set a goal for me to lose 37 pounds before the surgery, so I'm doing my best to work on that.  Obviously I have to work on the feelings I have going on.  I'm so glad that I was brave enough to seek out therapy because my head is the source of all the negative emotions around body image.  I think it is vitally important for me to continue working with the therapist throughout this entire process.  Otherwise, I am quite certain I'll repeat patterns that got me here in the first place.  I definitely don't want that to happen.

Weight present in everything

I have just a few days left of my semester, so I've been plugging away at my research papers.  I didn't work on them yesterday and I really should have, but I just needed a break after a pretty intense session with my therapist.  When I walked in there, I was really in a very upbeat mood.  We started talking about things that occurred since my last visit and everything was going fine.  Then we talked about my upcoming commencement ceremony.  And, all of a sudden, I became very emotional.  It wasn't about the fact that I would be graduating shortly.  That is very exciting and I'm certainly proud of myself for this accomplishment in my life.  The emotions came about because I was talking about issues surrounding the event.  I'm having a gathering after the ceremony with family and friends.  I mentioned the fact that I want to be able to lose 50 pounds overnight.  That's possible, right?  Right?  I shared how I know everybody loves me for me, whether I have gained weight or I haven't, but I just feel shame about my body right now.  Then I talked about the ceremony ... would I fit in the seat comfortably?  We'll be sitting for two or more hours on those folding chairs.  Would it support my weight?  It seems like the deepest hurt in me, the one that has always affected me the most, is about body image and weight.  It hurts that it seems like everything in my life comes back to weight.  Here's an example:  I have a chair at work that is set at the highest height because I'm tall.  All of a sudden, it's been inching down until it is practically on the ground.  Given I'm tall and I have knee issues, it is very uncomfortable for me.  Yet, I waited to ask for help because I was absolutely sure the problem was happening because of my weight.  I realized, though, that I had this chair at my heaviest weight of 420 and it supported me then.  So, is it possible that it might not have to do with that?  In fact, I had a friend sit in it who is smaller and it sank down for her, too. 

As I was talking to my therapist, tears were just flowing from my eyes.  It was obvious to her and to me that it really affects me greatly.  I have so much going on in my life and so many plans for my future.  After I clear my bachelor's degree, I will be applying to grad school with a very specific plan in mind.  Through a lot of work, my relationship with my mother has been pretty fantastic.  I have about a month and a half left of work before I have the summer off.  There's just a lot of good going on.  Yet, when I really talk about weight, size, body image, any of that ... it just feels like it breaks my heart.  I don't want to avoid having these conversations and doing work around it because that's the reason I went to see a therapist in the first place.  I feel ready to tackle these things.  It's just that the emotions go so very deep and, I believe, is the root cause of the depression I have been dealing with.  Having been a child who lived through physical abuse, being sexually attacked as a teen and just generally not treated very well in so many ways, it was food that I went to for comfort.  We all do whatever we can in the moment to survive terrible situations.  For me, the food may have made me feel better but it was also hurting me at the same time.  The tapes that have played these negative messages all of my life have to be changed and it does take time, I completely get that.  It is just heartbreaking to know that my body, my weight and anything surrounding that plays a role in my life at practically every moment.  It's fitting in chairs, comparing myself against other people, looking in the mirror, being comfortable in clothes, snide remarks from other people, happy events that get ruined by thoughts of my weight and so much more. 

I am moving forward, though.  Part of this process is being honest with my feelings and trying not to run from them.  It's talking with my therapist, even if I feel tears coming in.  Who knows, I may cry at every session I have with her and that is really okay.  If I need to cry, there is a reason and I don't need to shelter that.  This is really the biggest challenge of my life, one that has been present with me since my earliest memories.  No matter what size I have been, whether a 34 or a 16, it has still plagued me.  So I am doing my best to just dig in the closet and bring these thoughts and feelings out into the light.  God is always with me, no matter what I do or what I think.  I have a whole host of people that love me very much and I am so grateful for that love.  I get to continue working on loving myself, as I am right in this moment, and the person I will become in the future.  Easier said than done, but I am committed to this.

Finding freedom

I find it so interesting the places and circumstances in which God chooses to send me a message, meaning there's something for me to think about.  It can be in the gestures of other people, meeting strangers or even in the books I read.  That's what happened to me today as I was reading the very confusing and mind-numbing words of the German philosopher, Hegel.  I was trying to focus on what he was saying when a phrase jumped off the page to me.  It read: "It is solely by risking life that freedom is obtained."

I thought about that in the big-picture sense of how it takes big risk to have big freedom.  There are many people in this world that go about their routine without thinking about what they're doing or even finding enjoyment anywhere in the sameness of every day life.  It's wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep and then repeat.   Further, there are people who are overweight, maybe even significantly so, that sit in the hell of that world and are afraid to reach out for the olive branch.  It's right there, within their reach, but it's so hard to grab it because of the fear of the unknown.  I've had those same thoughts . . . What if I try and then I fail?  What if I just can't lose weight?  What if I'm just one of those people who are supposed to be heavy?  What if God really isn't there to help me? 

As I travel down my journey of weight loss and continue making life altering decisions along the way, I often wonder if anyone will ever understand how difficult this is, how absolutely courageous I must be after all to face the reasons why I ate in the first place and how really scared I am sometimes.  I will be starting my therapy sessions on Friday.  I'm very excited to go to this next level in my life of facing those fears, staring them down and dealing with them.  But there's another side of me that knows it's going to be very, very difficult.  There is significant abuse that was present in my life that I never told people about until I was an adult.  In all honestly, I've never really dealt with those things deep down in the place where they nearly broke me.  What I did instead was I chose to go to food for comfort.  Somehow food had become very soothing, like a best friend in many ways.  I suppose that is the case for any person that has an addiction or affinity to something, like alcoholics, drug addicts and overeaters.  Now its time to let it go.

This journey all along has really not been about weight loss and getting healthy.  To a sense, it has been about that because I did want to feel better and be healthier.  But I see that, more than that, this has been more about finding freedom.  Not freedom to eat what I want whenever I want, but freedom to risk having a new life.  A better life.  Perhaps one in which I don't hate my body, where I don't equate what I look like to the kind of character I have.  And especially one where I don't live through the food.  If I can have those things, then the weight will continue to drop off and, God willing, stay off.  This is not easy, which I knew when I began this journey.  No one ever said it would be.  I have to constantly keep reminding myself of that.  Not easy but it is something that is possible.

Don't be afraid to look in the mirror

Today I went out shopping with the mission of getting myself some tops that actually fit (instead of looking like a bum wearing clothes that are way too big on me).  I knew I was a bit crazy doing this on Black Friday, but, hey, when they have sales 50% off and more, a girl's gotta do what a girl's got to do. 

I ended up getting five tops for myself, but along the way I gained such a terrific insight to where I am today and not where I think I am.  What I mean by that is that I was able to look in the dressing room mirrors and really check out my body in the various things I was trying on.  I have been so critical of it lately, although I haven't said anything to anybody about this.  I just have found that I'm comparing myself against other people, even friends.  Of course, when you compare, you come out the big loser and so it's a dangerous thing to do for my ego and value as a person.  Why must I do that?

Today, though, I was able to sit in the moment and really see the girl looking back in the mirror.  I was able to see these amazing collar bones that  couldn't always see because they were hidden by fat.  I could see clothes fitting me well instead of my body busting out of buttons.  More importantly, I could look at my body and feel pride.   Normally I try to stay away from being prideful because I'm not a boastful person.  But I have a lot to be proud of.  I have lost a lot of weight, I mean a lot.  Of course you all know that because you've been following my journey, but I don't think I have always appreciated that.  I was just doing the next indicated step without really thinking about it.  But today I stopped and thought about it.  How is so much weight gone from my body and how could I not appreciate how special that is?  It really is and it's a gift that I appreciate more than I could ever say in my writing.  As I start nearing the point where I can start shopping in the regular section of a store, I can look in the mirror more and not fear that place.  It's a scary space for many overweight people, especially those that have had this battle for their entire lives.  I don't know how to walk in this world in a normal body size with a BMI in the healthy weight range.  But I also know I am willing to go there today, even when I still fear it.  Who knows, by the time I get there, I may not fear it any longer.

So my challenge for you is this:  look in the mirror.  Not in a critical way, but with love and appreciation for the journey you have been on this far and the one you have yet to travel.  Change is hard, but it can be very exciting and will be completely rewarding as long as you are present enough to appreciate every moment of blood, sweat and tears.