Weight present in everything

I have just a few days left of my semester, so I've been plugging away at my research papers.  I didn't work on them yesterday and I really should have, but I just needed a break after a pretty intense session with my therapist.  When I walked in there, I was really in a very upbeat mood.  We started talking about things that occurred since my last visit and everything was going fine.  Then we talked about my upcoming commencement ceremony.  And, all of a sudden, I became very emotional.  It wasn't about the fact that I would be graduating shortly.  That is very exciting and I'm certainly proud of myself for this accomplishment in my life.  The emotions came about because I was talking about issues surrounding the event.  I'm having a gathering after the ceremony with family and friends.  I mentioned the fact that I want to be able to lose 50 pounds overnight.  That's possible, right?  Right?  I shared how I know everybody loves me for me, whether I have gained weight or I haven't, but I just feel shame about my body right now.  Then I talked about the ceremony ... would I fit in the seat comfortably?  We'll be sitting for two or more hours on those folding chairs.  Would it support my weight?  It seems like the deepest hurt in me, the one that has always affected me the most, is about body image and weight.  It hurts that it seems like everything in my life comes back to weight.  Here's an example:  I have a chair at work that is set at the highest height because I'm tall.  All of a sudden, it's been inching down until it is practically on the ground.  Given I'm tall and I have knee issues, it is very uncomfortable for me.  Yet, I waited to ask for help because I was absolutely sure the problem was happening because of my weight.  I realized, though, that I had this chair at my heaviest weight of 420 and it supported me then.  So, is it possible that it might not have to do with that?  In fact, I had a friend sit in it who is smaller and it sank down for her, too. 

As I was talking to my therapist, tears were just flowing from my eyes.  It was obvious to her and to me that it really affects me greatly.  I have so much going on in my life and so many plans for my future.  After I clear my bachelor's degree, I will be applying to grad school with a very specific plan in mind.  Through a lot of work, my relationship with my mother has been pretty fantastic.  I have about a month and a half left of work before I have the summer off.  There's just a lot of good going on.  Yet, when I really talk about weight, size, body image, any of that ... it just feels like it breaks my heart.  I don't want to avoid having these conversations and doing work around it because that's the reason I went to see a therapist in the first place.  I feel ready to tackle these things.  It's just that the emotions go so very deep and, I believe, is the root cause of the depression I have been dealing with.  Having been a child who lived through physical abuse, being sexually attacked as a teen and just generally not treated very well in so many ways, it was food that I went to for comfort.  We all do whatever we can in the moment to survive terrible situations.  For me, the food may have made me feel better but it was also hurting me at the same time.  The tapes that have played these negative messages all of my life have to be changed and it does take time, I completely get that.  It is just heartbreaking to know that my body, my weight and anything surrounding that plays a role in my life at practically every moment.  It's fitting in chairs, comparing myself against other people, looking in the mirror, being comfortable in clothes, snide remarks from other people, happy events that get ruined by thoughts of my weight and so much more. 

I am moving forward, though.  Part of this process is being honest with my feelings and trying not to run from them.  It's talking with my therapist, even if I feel tears coming in.  Who knows, I may cry at every session I have with her and that is really okay.  If I need to cry, there is a reason and I don't need to shelter that.  This is really the biggest challenge of my life, one that has been present with me since my earliest memories.  No matter what size I have been, whether a 34 or a 16, it has still plagued me.  So I am doing my best to just dig in the closet and bring these thoughts and feelings out into the light.  God is always with me, no matter what I do or what I think.  I have a whole host of people that love me very much and I am so grateful for that love.  I get to continue working on loving myself, as I am right in this moment, and the person I will become in the future.  Easier said than done, but I am committed to this.

Running the gamut

In the last couple of days, I definitely have been experiencing a whirlwind.  There has been major disappointment, change and facing some challenges.  I feel at times that I'm really being tested by my faith.  How will I handle the things in front of me - will I eat over them or stay in the moment and deal with them? 

First off, I had a major disappointment happen with my worker's comp situation.   Since it's not settled quite yet, I don't think I can go into it here right now.  However, I can say that this whole situation has really made me look at the things I have taken for granted in the past.  You always expect that you will heal from injuries and I am facing the reality that it just won't be the case for this.  It's hard to deal with, especially when I see other people easily able to do things I used to do as well.  It can be small things like writing for an extended period of time without pain, sitting in a chair with no back pain or bigger things like holding a newborn in my arms.  I have a friend who I will be seeing soon that had a baby a few weeks ago and I won't be able to hold her little girl.   Those things are disappointing, yet I'm also grateful that at least I still have as much functioning as I do.  There are always people worse off and I must always remember that.

On the change front, I started taking my new medication.  The doctor is weening me onto it slowly while taking me off another one.  At the beginning of next week, I will be on the new pills full force.  One of the possible benefits of this new prescription is that it had the potential to help with the pain I have been having in my legs.  I'm happy to report that I'm already feeling better.  I still have pain there, but much less than it has been without it in my system.  I also am feeling peppier and getting better sleep, so those are major pluses.  It's always a challenge for me to introduce new medication into my system because I really don't enjoy taking something into my body that comes in the form of a pill.  However, I also take the perspective that at least I have the option to do that.  There are many conditions in this world that cannot be alleviated or helped in some way by medication, so I'm humbled by the fact that at least I get the relief I do.

And now what's left for me to talk about is facing challenges.  I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday.  Oh man, it was tough, but all in a good way.  At first, the encounter with the therapist was a little adversarial and I realized the reason was because we both have the same type of personality.  We were kind of talking over each other so we both stepped back, addressed concerns and then we were perfectly fine.  I didn't want to just spill everything during my first encounter with her.  It will all come out organically, I'm sure.  We talked a lot about what happened when I was on Optifast, what happened after I went back to regular food coupled with medication that made me gain weight and where I'm at today.  I cried a lot, to be honest.  For those of you who are or were on it, I know probably one of the biggest fears you have is what I am living through right now ... how you will feel after gaining some weight back.  Actually, this is true for any weight loss program, not just Optifast.  My feelings of failure, shame, heartbreak and everything else associated with how I have felt came out full-force during the session.  She was incredibly kind and supportive.  One of the things that we will be working through in the sessions is how I can make behavioral changes through cognitive therapy.  She reminded me that there is never an end point to change - we're never too young or too old to make change. We talked about the fact that I have black-and-white, perfectionist thinking.  That is sooo true for me, I mean duh!  That has been with me for my entire life.  I really expressed to her that I am open and willing to try whatever she suggests.  After all, that is why I decided to pursue counseling in the first place.  She did recommend a book for me to read so I will attempt to find it and start working on that.  I won't be able to see her for a few more weeks, but I do have some things to work on before I see her again.  Just going to the appointment and asking for help was a pretty big deal for me.  It's letting someone in and that's rough to do for me because it leaves me feeling very exposed.  That's probably why I've always had a type "A" personality - as long as I'm in control, then I can control my feelings, too.  When I decided that I was going to go see someone, I had committed to myself that I was going to be one hundred percent fully in the process and give my everything to this.  I owe it to myself and to healing to give it that much.  I don't want to go back to 420 pounds ... or worse. 

Knocking down those walls

Today I followed through on my commitment to myself and went to the appointment to begin therapy.  This is an important part of my journey.  Not everyone will have need to take such a step, but I find that my road to getting healthier is not just about having a more fit body.  It's about healing the inside as well.  I don't know how much of this process I will blog about versus writing about in my private journal.  I think time will tell on that.  I do know that I will be writing about it here, but how personal or detailed I get is really dependent upon how comfortable I feel.  Right now, it was just a big deal for me to go to the appointment.  I knew it was going to be hard because I try to do my very best to stay strong, to be there for other people or the kids I work with at the high school.  I decided, though, that I was going to be all in during this process if it was going to benefit me in any way.  So, before I stepped foot in the therapist's office, I vowed to knock down the walls as best I could so that I could be as honest as possible.  Today's appointment was about seeing where I was at and then making a plan moving forward from here.  I do have to say that the conversation was difficult for me because I was trying to hold it together at first.  I just didn't want to cry.  That lasted all about five minutes. 

Before I had gone into the building, I sent a prayer up to God to give me the strength to do what I was there to do.  I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I soon realized it was about just letting go, completely letting go.  As difficult as it was, it felt very good at the same time.  I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was supposed to do. My next step is to begin individual therapy and meeting with a doctor.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to do those things until the last week in March since I'm new, but I'll be calling in for cancellations.  And, if I can't get in sooner, then I at least know I'm continuing to move forward and that's the most important part to me.  Today's appointment was very difficult and I confess that I cried a lot, but it was one of the most healing and positive things I could have done for myself.  Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight.  I didn't get any sleep last night and very little the night before, so I'm due.