Saturday, March 30, 2013

Running the gamut

In the last couple of days, I definitely have been experiencing a whirlwind.  There has been major disappointment, change and facing some challenges.  I feel at times that I'm really being tested by my faith.  How will I handle the things in front of me - will I eat over them or stay in the moment and deal with them? 

First off, I had a major disappointment happen with my worker's comp situation.   Since it's not settled quite yet, I don't think I can go into it here right now.  However, I can say that this whole situation has really made me look at the things I have taken for granted in the past.  You always expect that you will heal from injuries and I am facing the reality that it just won't be the case for this.  It's hard to deal with, especially when I see other people easily able to do things I used to do as well.  It can be small things like writing for an extended period of time without pain, sitting in a chair with no back pain or bigger things like holding a newborn in my arms.  I have a friend who I will be seeing soon that had a baby a few weeks ago and I won't be able to hold her little girl.   Those things are disappointing, yet I'm also grateful that at least I still have as much functioning as I do.  There are always people worse off and I must always remember that.

On the change front, I started taking my new medication.  The doctor is weening me onto it slowly while taking me off another one.  At the beginning of next week, I will be on the new pills full force.  One of the possible benefits of this new prescription is that it had the potential to help with the pain I have been having in my legs.  I'm happy to report that I'm already feeling better.  I still have pain there, but much less than it has been without it in my system.  I also am feeling peppier and getting better sleep, so those are major pluses.  It's always a challenge for me to introduce new medication into my system because I really don't enjoy taking something into my body that comes in the form of a pill.  However, I also take the perspective that at least I have the option to do that.  There are many conditions in this world that cannot be alleviated or helped in some way by medication, so I'm humbled by the fact that at least I get the relief I do.

And now what's left for me to talk about is facing challenges.  I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday.  Oh man, it was tough, but all in a good way.  At first, the encounter with the therapist was a little adversarial and I realized the reason was because we both have the same type of personality.  We were kind of talking over each other so we both stepped back, addressed concerns and then we were perfectly fine.  I didn't want to just spill everything during my first encounter with her.  It will all come out organically, I'm sure.  We talked a lot about what happened when I was on Optifast, what happened after I went back to regular food coupled with medication that made me gain weight and where I'm at today.  I cried a lot, to be honest.  For those of you who are or were on it, I know probably one of the biggest fears you have is what I am living through right now ... how you will feel after gaining some weight back.  Actually, this is true for any weight loss program, not just Optifast.  My feelings of failure, shame, heartbreak and everything else associated with how I have felt came out full-force during the session.  She was incredibly kind and supportive.  One of the things that we will be working through in the sessions is how I can make behavioral changes through cognitive therapy.  She reminded me that there is never an end point to change - we're never too young or too old to make change. We talked about the fact that I have black-and-white, perfectionist thinking.  That is sooo true for me, I mean duh!  That has been with me for my entire life.  I really expressed to her that I am open and willing to try whatever she suggests.  After all, that is why I decided to pursue counseling in the first place.  She did recommend a book for me to read so I will attempt to find it and start working on that.  I won't be able to see her for a few more weeks, but I do have some things to work on before I see her again.  Just going to the appointment and asking for help was a pretty big deal for me.  It's letting someone in and that's rough to do for me because it leaves me feeling very exposed.  That's probably why I've always had a type "A" personality - as long as I'm in control, then I can control my feelings, too.  When I decided that I was going to go see someone, I had committed to myself that I was going to be one hundred percent fully in the process and give my everything to this.  I owe it to myself and to healing to give it that much.  I don't want to go back to 420 pounds ... or worse. 


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