Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Finding freedom

I find it so interesting the places and circumstances in which God chooses to send me a message, meaning there's something for me to think about.  It can be in the gestures of other people, meeting strangers or even in the books I read.  That's what happened to me today as I was reading the very confusing and mind-numbing words of the German philosopher, Hegel.  I was trying to focus on what he was saying when a phrase jumped off the page to me.  It read: "It is solely by risking life that freedom is obtained."

I thought about that in the big-picture sense of how it takes big risk to have big freedom.  There are many people in this world that go about their routine without thinking about what they're doing or even finding enjoyment anywhere in the sameness of every day life.  It's wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep and then repeat.   Further, there are people who are overweight, maybe even significantly so, that sit in the hell of that world and are afraid to reach out for the olive branch.  It's right there, within their reach, but it's so hard to grab it because of the fear of the unknown.  I've had those same thoughts . . . What if I try and then I fail?  What if I just can't lose weight?  What if I'm just one of those people who are supposed to be heavy?  What if God really isn't there to help me? 

As I travel down my journey of weight loss and continue making life altering decisions along the way, I often wonder if anyone will ever understand how difficult this is, how absolutely courageous I must be after all to face the reasons why I ate in the first place and how really scared I am sometimes.  I will be starting my therapy sessions on Friday.  I'm very excited to go to this next level in my life of facing those fears, staring them down and dealing with them.  But there's another side of me that knows it's going to be very, very difficult.  There is significant abuse that was present in my life that I never told people about until I was an adult.  In all honestly, I've never really dealt with those things deep down in the place where they nearly broke me.  What I did instead was I chose to go to food for comfort.  Somehow food had become very soothing, like a best friend in many ways.  I suppose that is the case for any person that has an addiction or affinity to something, like alcoholics, drug addicts and overeaters.  Now its time to let it go.

This journey all along has really not been about weight loss and getting healthy.  To a sense, it has been about that because I did want to feel better and be healthier.  But I see that, more than that, this has been more about finding freedom.  Not freedom to eat what I want whenever I want, but freedom to risk having a new life.  A better life.  Perhaps one in which I don't hate my body, where I don't equate what I look like to the kind of character I have.  And especially one where I don't live through the food.  If I can have those things, then the weight will continue to drop off and, God willing, stay off.  This is not easy, which I knew when I began this journey.  No one ever said it would be.  I have to constantly keep reminding myself of that.  Not easy but it is something that is possible.


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