Monday, April 7, 2014

Facing my stuff head-on

I'm on vacation this coming week for Spring Break since I work at a school.  So it's nice to be able to post this at whatever time I want because I know I don't have to get up at 5:30 a.m. in the morning.  Ah!  I had a really nice day here in Sunny California.  I started it out walking at the beach with one of my friends.  I knew that it was going to be hot one when I started feeling sweat on my neck within about 15 minutes.  My friend, who does photography, asked me if I would be willing to do a photo shoot with her.  She's building her portfolio and asked if I would like to do some pre-surgery pics, during the weight loss phase pics and then some after pics.  What a really cool idea!  Of course I said yes.  I saw some of the portraits she's already done and it's amazing work.  I can't wait to post them here on my blog in the future.

After running around when I finished that exercise, I met another friend for dinner.  I had my eating plan in mind when I suggested where we could meet so that I could keep things within a reasonable calorie count.  We went to a Mexican place that has a lot of grilled items, so I felt great about going there.  I didn't partake in the tortilla chips or order a margarita.  Trust me, I wanted a margarita, but I didn't go there.  When she got hers, I wasn't even salivating over it.  That's a lot of progress for me because I love me a yummy, slushy margarita.  For dinner, I ordered a jalapeno barbecue salmon with black beans and roasted veggies.  I know, sounds amazing, right?  Yes, I took a picture!

I ended up scraping about half of the barbecue sauce off the salmon because it was just too much for me.  It was also too much food in general, so I took half of it home.

My friend and I had such a great time together.  I had suggested we sit at a table because the whole booth thing makes me nervous ... I'm always afraid that I'm not going to fit.  I haven't had the experience yet of that, but I never want to have to deal with this time being the time where it happens.  She told the host that we wanted a booth in the back and I decided to just let it go.  Thankfully I was able to get in there, although it was a pretty tight fit.

As we were talking about everything under the sun, as girls tend to do, she asked me if I was currently dating anyone.  All of a sudden, every insecurity I have about myself came to the surface.  I told her no and she asked me why not.  I felt like saying, "What do you mean why not ... can't you see what I look like?"  She asked me if I was ready to date (after my breakup with my ex-boyfriend) and I told her that I think I am, but many times I just don't feel very attractive at all to men.  She looked at me with confusion.  I confessed to her that any time one of my friends has called me beautiful or pretty, I silently wonder inside why they would say something like that because I just don't feel like it's true.  She sat across from me and told me that I am pretty and I am beautiful.  I did thank her for saying that.

So often I just feel almost inhuman.  Part of me wonders if things will be better when I'm down to a more normal size and then other part of me says that I have to live the life I have now, not wait for some magical day in the future.  So we talked about that for a while.  I completely own the fact that I have low self-esteem when it comes to my body image.  She suggested that I think about putting myself out there.  In our conversation, she mentioned a dating app for my phone that has worked for others she knows and explained the concept a little.  I have dated before online, when I was younger and much more reckless.  In some ways, dating that way has changed and, in other ways, it's still the same.  But you just don't know until you try.  I did download the app, although I haven't opened it up yet.  It may take me a little while to get the courage up to move forward on it, but at least I'm willing to try.  It is a nice way to put myself out there and just see what happens.  I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and I think I need to talk about the whole body image thing.  It's really time to deal with it so that I feel better about myself as a worthwhile, deserving human being.  In many ways, I know that I am a precious child of God.  In other ways, I feel like such an unlovable "thing" that children point at in a crowd.

This is my stuff I don't like facing head-on because I have to be honest around those feelings and it's uncomfortable for me.  Part of keeping weight on, for many people, is a sense of a protective barrier.  If I don't let you in, you can't hurt me.  That all goes back to being abused and raped when I was a child.  Tack on what my ex-boyfriend did to me, and it's no wonder I'm a little afraid to move towards another relationship.  The other side of that, though, is that I want to be in a relationship again.  I don't like being alone and I never have.  So we shall see what direction I move in.  Ugh.

Water Challenge Day 74:  Drank 194 of 179 ounces
(I felt like I was going to float away!)


happyinca said...

Kathy, you are a precious child of God with a tremendous life force. It's nice to have friends who can remind you of those parts of yourself and to push you a little out of your comfort zone. Do what feels right to you and take it all in as part of this time in your life. It is all part of aspiring to the life that you want each day. Way to go hon!

Tamzin said...

I spent a lot of time feeling like a monster in public... it will change, but I think its not an abnormal feeling to have when you are obese. I went for lunch with a co-worker last week and she couldnt pick me out of the crowd, that made me feel like there is really something amazing about losing so much. I've stopped sticking out. Wow! :)

Beth Ann said...

First, pre and post pictures are such a big deal. Sometimes you just need to go back and see how far you've come. Second, I totally feel you on not feeling beautiful. It IS all mental as we all know, but as I lost weight, I gained control and with that came confidence. I still fight those feelings, but I'm getting better. And so will you!!!

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