Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Appreciating the little differences and understanding inspiration

Do you ever get the feeling that sometimes you work so hard for something yet never get to see any tangible results?  When it feels like a mountain stands between you and your goal, it can feel overwhelming.  When I was losing a ton of weight through Optifast, it took a loss of a good fifty pounds or so before I could really start to see a difference, at least in how my clothes were fitting me.  When I began that program, I weighed in at a devastating 420 pounds.  With the weight gain after getting off of it, it has been difficult for me to get some proper perspective.  While I didn't gain all the weight back, it was a significant portion but yet my brain had me convinced I was right back where I started.

Now, after being halfway done with the educational classes towards bariatric surgery, I am starting to see both my body and head get it.  I have been exercising every day.  I mean, every single day.  That's not something I did before.  I am tracking absolutely every morsel of food I put in my mouth in MyFitnessPal.  Not only that, but my food diary is viewable so that anyone can look to see what I'm eating.  That takes a lot of humility and a hell of a lot of honesty, but I'm doing it.  I was having an issue with my tummy touching my steering wheel again, meaning that I had gained so much weight back that I had gone back to where I was at in my 420-pound days.  Check out where I am today.

I'm not breathing on the steering wheel!  That rocks the free world.  You can even see looseness in my pants when I stand up.  I loooove that.

What's even better than the small changes happening physically is where I am emotionally with all of it.  Today when I was driving home from work, I really wanted to stop off at the store and get something to eat.  I had plenty of food at home.  I knew in my heart that had I stopped, I would not be buying broccoli or an apple.  I started wondering to myself what could be the possible source of why I wanted to deviate.  I knew that I was hungry and a bit tired.  I just told myself, "Okay, look, just go home.  If you feel the need to go to the store later, than you can make that decision later.  But, right now, you're tired and a little hungry.  So just go home and don't ruin all the good you've been doing."  

That's exactly what I did and, somehow, the feeling went away.  Hmm, so interesting how that happened. I caught myself in the moment because I've been so much more aware of what I've been doing that I could step back and deal with whatever was going on. When I got home and tried to get into my garage, the door only went up halfway so I couldn't get my car in.  However, I was able to focus on that and not on food.  Had I gone to the store and brought something home to eat with having to deal with that, I knew I would choose the food over the garage door.  Food always seems to take the priority in so many situations.  

Lately people have been saying that I inspire them.  Sometimes, in my mind, I go back to when I lost 192 pounds.  That seemed inspirational, not logging in my food, getting at least 10,000 steps a day in with my Fitbit or losing a few pounds each week.  Then I realize that it's not about that gargantuan weight loss from before ... it's about having the courage to get up again and fight.  It's having the strength to say I choose health and life.  Okay my friends, now I get it.  And thank you ;-)

Water Challenge Day 83:  Drank 178 of 176 ounces


happyinca said...

Amen sister! Persistence and hope are a powerful combination.

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