Pre-op class #23, weekly weigh-in and returning to just a little work

One more pre-op class to go for my weight loss surgery... eeek!  This is getting really intense.  So here's what's left of my process:

1. Attend the last pre-op class next week.  During that time, the facilitator will determine if I need to go back and see the doctor who originally approved me for surgery if I have not lost within ten pounds of my ten percent goal.  As it looks like right now, I will probably have to do that.
2. The facilitator will send my paperwork down to Kaiser's Positive Choice clinic to their director, who will contact me to see the doctor.
3. After I have seen that doctor, I will be instructed to do lab work where they will be drawing blood to run tests.
4. Once the test results are in, I will then need to participate in an ambulatory test to ensure I am able to walk.  This consists of walking around an office building five times at my own pace.  That is a cinch ... I just walked ten miles a couple of days ago so I think I'm good.
5. The next step is to schedule an appointment to meet with three doctors at Pacific Bariatric where they will be performing the surgery:  psychiatrist, internist and surgeon. When I meet with the surgeon, my surgery will be scheduled.

At this point, it looks like the surgery will be happening in September.  I'm a little disappointed with that since I'm not really working during the summer and it would have been great to do it now.  However, I understand it is what it is so I will need to contact the director of my master's program and let him know I won't be able to start classes with my cohort in September.  That's certainly not the worst thing in the world.  I was just anxious to get going on the classes but it's not as if it's going anywhere.  I will have to determine how much time to take off of work when the time is right.  The surgeon prefers that we take six weeks off to give our bodies the best chance to recover.  We can return to work sooner if we feel up to it, but he does expect us all to take the six weeks if possible.  My principal, administrator and quite a few others at work know I am going to have surgery and have been super supportive.  I have well over a thousand sick hours on the books, so it's not as if I don't have the time.  It's just hard for me, especially working in a busy high school, to take that much time off, even if deemed medically necessary.  It's probably my work ethic ... I just don't want to let anyone down.  I do believe they can get a sub in and I know a great one so it is possible that life goes on without me.  Letting go is so hard when you like to have control of things.  

Speaking of my class, I lost a couple of pounds this week so I'm happy about that.  Steadily going down is great.  This week we talked about ways of coping with stress instead of eating.  Here are some suggestions as given to us in class:

• Learn to say no.
• Listen to my body.
• Let go of what is not working.
• Accept myself as is.
• Say yes to feeling good.
• Find time each day to be a lone.
• Simplify my life.
• Talk about or write out what's worrying me.
• Take time to be touched.
• Develop a sense of humor.

Something that really struck a chord with me was this:  I must be willing to leave those parts of my life that no longer serve me.

Do you have those moments when you're in a room full of people but then you read something or hear something that makes you feel like you're all alone with God and everyone else is tuned out, even for just a brief moment?  That was what I felt when I read that.  When I was a kid, I was physically abused for a very long time and raped when I was a teenager.  Unless you've been the victim of those things, it's hard to articulate the feelings you go through, especially as a child.  You feel lost, abandoned and very, very small.  I didn't run to anyone and tell what was going on.  Instead, what I did was I hid inside myself and I ate food.  Food was my escape, my solace in a world I couldn't quite understand.  Food let me not feel pain and somehow made things better in the moment.  

As an adult, I no longer am abused and no longer surround myself with people that can hurt me.  Every person in my life today is there because I have chosen them to be there.  I'm no longer having those feelings of loss, terror or abandonment.  So the food no longer has to be a solace and I can let go of this need to run to it when I'm feeling some sort of emotion I am uncomfortable with.  When I'm bored, I really don't have to go eat something to fill up that moment.  When I come home from work, I really don't have to head straight to the kitchen.  Food no longer has the role it once did in my life.  Especially as I head into surgery, I must leave the part of my life that no longer serves me.  I know it's easier said than done, for many of us, but it takes practice.  That's what my program's facilitator reminded me of tonight ... these things will take time and practice.

Tomorrow I'm going to return to work for just a few days to sub for a co-worker.  She is on a 12-month contract, so I'm coming in while she spends some time with family coming from out of town.  Knowing I wouldn't have as much time to play this week as normal (I know, you are hating me right now, aren't you??), I went with a friend down to Seaport Village today here in San Diego.  Here are some pics of our adventures. FYI, even when there is June gloom going on in the weather, always wear suntan lotion.  Always.  Just sayin'.

 

Pre-op class #22, weekly weigh-in and my vacation

I really need to kick it up on my blog posting.  With so much going on in the next few months, I'm going to need the outlet more than ever.  Let's see, I had my 22nd pre-op class this past Monday.  I lost a pound.  Is that even newsworthy?  Okay, I know ... a pound is a pound.  It is making me work out more this week though.  I was really disappointed with the number but I gained before that so I will choose to be grateful for the loss.

The class was a pretty intense one.  Of course, when are they not intense lately?  The topic was on creating a healthy lifestyle.  While I was not crazy about six months of pre-op classes when I started this process towards bariatric surgery, I can say that I am so glad for it now.  We talk about so much more than just the semantics of the surgery itself.  While it's important to know what we will be going through and how to best take care of our bodies before and after surgery, I find dealing with the emotional aspects much more valuable to me.  I can research until I'm blue in the face about the gastric bypass or vertical sleeve, but how am I going to incorporate emotional positivity into my life?  How will I know I am on track for success?

Thankfully I have already started incorporating healthy choices into my lifestyle now.  In fact, as I sit here at my dining room table and write, I am cooling down from a very sweaty workout.  I'm actually sitting here in baggy sweat pants and a loose t-shirt, thank you very much :)  That feels really good.  I've logged all of my food in for the day into MyFitnessPal.  I'm checking my blood sugar to make sure it is in the appropriate range.  These are all things I do for myself now that I can continue doing after the surgery as well.  One of the things discussed in the class this week was about expecting to succeed.  That is such an important thing for me to remember because a great concern I have is, "What if I have the surgery and then fail?"  The point I need to always remember is that I don't have to fear failure if I approach it with the mindset that I will succeed.  And why will I succeed?  Well, because I am putting in the work.  These results come from work, not osmosis.

A very difficult question that came up in class was, "How will I deal with guilt, shame and self-recrimination?"  I wrote down some things that our facilitator shared with us that I'd like to share with all of you:

Self-compassion:  being mindful rather than obsessing over personal weaknesses or imperfections.  This is recognizing you're like everyone else ... you're not unique.  Being kind rather than judgmental.  Talk to yourself as you would a beloved friend.

I shared with the group that I find this to be the biggest challenge of my life and one that I will need to constantly work on.  I am always so self critical.  I try to catch myself in the moment, but really that's easier said than done.  I'll be looking in the mirror, feeling really good about myself, and then everything goes to hell in a hand basket when I put on some clothes that don't cover up my arms.  In a matter of seconds, my good mood is blown and I'm feeling awful about myself.  I know I'm not alone in these feelings; many people feel the same way about themselves.  My challenge, though, is that I need to find a way of being in the moment without choosing to eat over these uncomfortable feelings.  Sitting in it is not a pleasant thought.  I've spent my whole life running away from uncomfortable feelings and now, especially after the surgery, I won't be able to run any longer.

Whew, that's all really heavy stuff!  I've been on summer vacation for over a week now and I love it.  It's amazing how quickly I have forgotten about work and am in relaxation mode.  In my summer of rediscovering my beautiful San Diego, I visited Balboa Park yesterday with a friend.  Balboa Park is a huge urban park with quite a few museums and well as other points of interest.  There is a lot to see and do there.  If you are a resident of San Diego county, some of the museums are free on Tuesdays.  So yesterday we went to several of them and just walked around.  We hit the San Diego Automotive Museum, San Diego Air & Space Museum, San Diego Hall of Champions and more.  We were there moving around for five hours. We had a great time and it was all free!  Of course I took some pictures.

Staycation in Southern California

I haven't heard back from my dermatologist's office yet on the results of the biopsies I had done on Monday.  No news is good news I suppose.  I did have a little bit of a scare because I received a call from Kaiser on Wednesday.  As soon as I saw the name splashed across my cell phone, my heart immediately started beating faster.  I had nothing to worry about, though ... it was just a routine call from my primary care doctor's office.  Whew!

I have been enjoying my summer so far, though.  It's funny how quickly I forgot about work.  I do periodically check my email for important messages because there's a few things going on that I can't neglect over the summer but other than that I'm pretty free.  I will be subbing for our principal's assistant for three days next month, but I'm not taking classes or trips over this summer so I'm really in relaxation mode.  I do want to work on some projects around my house, but primarily I want to focus the most on myself and preparing myself for the upcoming bariatric surgery.  I just have two weeks to go and then I will be done with my pre-op classes.  Eeeeek!  At times it seemed so slow and other times it felt like it whipped by.  

Since I will be in staycation mode, I have decided to make this summer one where I rediscover my beautiful San Diego.  I have lived in the county since 1974 and I often times forget why it is such a destination for many people going on vacation.  Yesterday I decided to make a list of some places I could potentially visit this summer.  I came up with almost thirty places that are free or almost free.  I do want to also include our beautiful beaches to explore.  I think we have something like 22 miles of beaches, some of which I haven't been to in a million years. While I probably won't be swimming in the ocean, practically all of them have walking paths near the shoreline.  

One of the fun places I went to yesterday was our lovely San Diego Zoo.  I have a funny story around this.  When I was a little girl, maybe five or six, we had gone on one of our trips to the zoo as a family before my parents were divorced.  On that particular visit, I came across life-size statutes of gorillas.  As a little girl, the size of these things frightened me so much that I was wailing at just the mere sight of them.  When I say wailing, I mean I was representative of every child you dislike screaming in restaurants, airplanes and stores all rolled into one.  In fact, I was so scared that we had to leave the park.  Since that time, which was 1976 or 1977, I have not returned.  I don't know if it was because I was traumatized or what the reason was, but I never went back that I recall, even as an adult.  Here are some great pictures, including one where I encountered one of the gorilla statues again.

 

 

We had a great time and I laughed when I saw those statues again.  While they were the actual size, they were only busts on top of pillars.  Martha, you were absolutely right ... there are a lot of hills there.  When I got out of bed this morning, I felt it in my thighs.  They felt like they were on fire!  I ended up buying a year membership yesterday since it lets me get in free to both the zoo and the Wild Animal Park.  It's a great place to go walking and I can take a friend with me each time without having to pay extra.  While it's my goal to get in lots of exercise this summer, I think it's a great way to do it while also enjoying the sites.  

Two months of whatever I want

My end of the school year craziness at work is over and now I'm on summer break for eight weeks.  Hooray!  It was pretty rough for me at the end, but no one really knows the extent of it because I just keep most of it inside.  It's difficult because I'm not one to just "dump" all of my complaints at work.  I mean, yes, I will complain about situations with kids or perhaps other staff to colleagues but generally not when it comes to the intricacies of my work.  The truth is that no one else is there to do it except me.  When I'm absent, no one picks up my work ... it just sits there waiting for me to come back.  We're all really busy anyway, I'm not unique.  I might have more responsibilities than some, but it's not as if we're just twiddling our thumbs.

Since this is my blog and I'm here to write about what's going on with me, I can talk about some things that I haven't necessarily shared with most people.  I am a part of the counseling department at the high school where I work.  I am not a counselor.  My title is Guidance Technician.  In some respects, I have a lot of crossover in duties with the counselors and there are many times when kids come in to see me instead of their counselor.  They have mentioned that they prefer to see me, even though they know I'm not their counselor.  When I can help them, I will but I will also send them to see their counselor when appropriate.  I do that because of liability issues and also, frankly, because I don't get paid what they are paid.  While it is not about the money, it is about a respect level.  I certainly don't want to be taken advantage of just because I know the answers.  I have struggled with my role a lot because while I am part of the department, I feel like a stepchild.  Some comments have been made recently that have made me feel this more than ever.  I am trying to choose my words carefully right now because I know some friends I work with read this blog regularly so I don't want to go into too many details.  We said goodbye to one of our counselors yesterday as she is headed off to a higher position elsewhere in our district and she has been a good friend.  I was incredibly emotional about this, even though I know we will still remain friends.  It's just hard saying goodbye.  While dealing with those issues, I have been in a world of tremendous physical pain.

At the end of the year, I am in charge of our senior awards ceremony and heavily involved in graduation activities.  Standing on my feet for long periods of time, especially when I'm not wearing sneakers, leaves my body in so much pain that I really can't adequately describe.  When you are 200 pounds overweight, your poor body can only take so much.  For me, the last few days have been about a lot of pain in my lower back, the chronic pain in my legs and on in my feet.  By the time graduation was over, I could only spend a few minutes at a graduation party because my legs and back were on fire.  Even now, a few days later, they still hurt.  Of course I would do it all over again because I love our kids and was so proud to see them graduate.  My body just goes through a lot that it really can't take on a day to day basis.  This year I was back down on the field with our graduates, dressed in my cap and gown with the hood on my back in my college colors.

As I was sitting down on the field, I got nervous in the chairs, sure I was about to break the one I was sitting in.  It's irrational thinking because the chairs are sturdy.  Truly, it's based on a fear of have of being in the stadium and I fall on the ground because I've broken my chair.  This irrational fear is the same one I have with heights and thinking that the bridge I may be standing on just can't support my weight so I'm going to fall.  As you can clearly see from my writing, I have a lot of issues around weight.  As I move forward, closer to the time when I will be going in for my bariatric surgery, there is a lot of hopefulness in me about it helping relieve pain.  This is why it has never been a vanity decision for me, not at all.  I frankly want to be in far less pain than I am in now.  It hurts so much being in this body.

Looking at the positives, since I'm off for two months, I can spend a lot of time working on my health leading up to the surgery.  I am not planning on going on any big trips or taking classes during the summer.  I do want to do some work on my house, but also spend time exercising and practicing habits I've learned in my Kaiser pre-op classes to help me be successful with the surgery.  I'm so grateful for having been through the classes because I just feel so much more prepared than the people I know who have not had the benefit of the classes.  I desperately want to be successful with the surgery and I know that if I keep talking about whatever is on my mind and I follow the rules given to me, I will be successful.  I just pray I continue to remember that along the way.

Where in the world is Miss Kathy Jean?

Hi everyone.  I'm sure you've noticed I've been quiet in my neck of the woods.  I'm so sorry, but it always gets like that at this time of the year when I'm preparing for the end of the school year.  I'm in charge of our senior awards ceremony and it takes up a lot of my time.  Thankfully it will happen on Monday afternoon so I'll be able to return to normal life.  After that, we have a senior breakfast, senior picnic and then graduation.  Speaking of graduation day, I definitely have to pace myself because it's going to be super busy.  Here's what it will look like that day:  graduation practice with our seniors which includes showing them how to march into our stadium, helping the senior girls put on their caps and gowns in a security area, handing out stoles to all the graduates (approximately 600) to wear in the ceremony, doing security in our theater while we all wait to start, throw on my own cap and gown, help the students line up as we near start time for the processional down to the field, run ahead to the staff line as we begin the march onto the field, participate in the actual ceremony down on the field, help with crowd control as students turn in their gowns and pick up their diplomas after the ceremony and then head over to a graduation party afterwards.  Whew!!  I'm exhausted just typing that out.  Speaking of the cap and gown, I got mine yesterday.  This is the first time in all the marches I've done that I will now get to wear a hood with my university colors representing my degree since I received mine last year.  Whenever I marched in our high school's graduation in past years, I've always longed for those colors adorning my gown.  To me, it represents years of sitting in classrooms at night after a full day of work and soldiering on even when I sometimes wanted to quit.  It's about perseverance, which I try to impart to kids all the time.  My degree hangs on my wall in my office at work and it's a reminder to me to never give up.

On the weight loss front, I've been slacking on my workouts the last couple of weeks.  I've been so tired with all the end-of-the-school year craziness that I'm just pooped out by the end of the day.  Friday will be my last day and then I have eight glorious weeks of summer break.  I wish it was paid summer break, but I guess you can't have everything!  I'm so excited that I will have the time to refocus my energies and give myself what I need to take care of my body.  In one month from today, I will have my last bariatric pre-op class.  It's so insane how quickly these last five months have gone.  When I first started the class, like most everyone else, I dreaded having to do the six months of education and group work.  However, I have met some amazing new friends in there and have grown so much.  I'm much more mentally prepared for surgery.  Obviously it's going to be a big change in my life, but I have such great tools to handle it on a grander level than had I just hurriedly pushed through and got the surgery as soon as possible.  I won't have the ability to eat for comfort any longer and that's going to be a big adjustment since that's what I've done my entire life.  If I was happy, sad or just plain bored, I'd go to the kitchen to see what was in there to make me feel better.  I won't be able to do that so I have to continue working to find other ways to handle those moments of being uncomfortable.

Anyway, I'm still here!

Pre-op class #18, weekly weigh-in and still breathing

I know I haven't posted in a week.  My apologies but I've been pretty crazed at work.  We only have a couple of weeks before our kids graduate and I am in charge of our senior awards ceremony so it keeps me very busy at the end of the school year.  I am remembering that there is light at the end of the tunnel, though.
My weekly weigh-in on Monday was not great.  Although this is not a huge amount, I gained two pounds.  Boo. I have been slacking off in logging in my food and I need to turn that around.  I've also not exercised as much as I would like.  I've still got my Fitbit on, so you can see my miles and steps in my Twitter-feed on the right side of the screen.  Some days it was still 10,000 steps or more a day and other days ... not so much.  Powering through though.  I'm not going to beat myself up over not being perfect.

During class, we did talk about nutrition after the bariatric surgery but we also spent some time talking about anger.  One of the things I love about the pre-op classes through Kaiser is that we're not just going over the semantics of the surgery.  While that is important, it's equally as important that we deal with the emotions behind overeating.  I know the surgery is just a tool and it is wise for me to always remember that.  While another classmate was reading a section on anger out for us all to follow along, something triggered memories in the words:

• Anger is a warning signal that my boundaries (physical, emotional, intellectual, etc.) have been transgressed and that something needs to be done.
• Anger is an emotional response to internal and/or external conflict.
• I may have been taught that to feel anger makes me a bad person.
• Anger is a survival-based emotional response that can be recognized, modulated, and constructively used to deal with internal and external conflict.

The memories that were popping up for me were from when I was a kid and I was being physically abused.  I didn't go to anger ... I went to fear.  Each and every time it was about fear.  In fact, I can't even remember to this day going to the place of anger when it came to all of that.  Those are the same feelings I had when I was raped at 13.  I have never gone to that place of anger about any of that.  I lived in fear and worry.  After the reading in class had stopped, our facilitator asked if we had questions or comments and I couldn't help but raise my hand to express what was going on for me internally.  As I was talking, it made perfect sense that I went to food to help me escape.  Where does a child go when they experience those sorts of things when there is nowhere to run and no one to tell?  Of course there were people around me that could have helped, but I guess not in my fragile mind.  Instead, I crawled inside of myself and escaped to a world of cookies, ice cream, donuts and really anything else that could help me not feel.  If it wasn't food, then it became other outlets later in life, like relationships with men I should have never been with.  My God, when I think about the stupid stuff I did with men, I'm amazed I was never hurt.  Of course, I hurt myself emotionally, but I think you know what I mean.  If it wasn't that, then it was back to the food again until I was in a never ending cycle.  

Oh man, this is hard.  Maybe this has something to do with me being buried in work this week, not posting here, being lax on logging my food in and not getting as much exercise in.  That thought just hit me like a ton of bricks ... maybe it all relates.  Don't get me wrong, I'm really busy this time of year at my job but I have to be honest with myself and ponder whether I'm escaping.  Even though all of that has gone on, I am in a really good place today and I'm definitely grateful for that.  My mom is coming over later so we can have a little barbecue.  It's an act of God for sure that we can even have a relationship today, especially as loving and wonderful as it is now.  It's totally the opposite of what it used to be and that is a miracle.

Pre-op class #16, weekly weigh-in and thrown for a loop

I have a deep suspicion this post is gonna be a long one - a lot has happened since my last post.

First off, thanks so much for your sweet messages from my last post.  Reflecting on my experience with cancer has really helped me actually be very centered for things that happened Monday and Tuesday.  Looking at my own scar from my back seems pretty surreal.  Most of the time, I forget the scar is there unless I'm having pain from the scar tissue, which tends to be on a regular basis, or I catch a glimpse of it.  Regardless, I'd rather have the scars than cancer.

On Monday was my regular pre-op bariatric class.  I was a tinge disappointed with my weigh-in results this week, having lost two pounds.  I have to keep reminding myself that all of the losses are adding up, so it does not have to be a gargantuan number.  In fact, even though our goal is to lose ten percent of our body weight before going in for the surgery, the doctor who approved me said I'm okay if I don't lose weight but I just shouldn't gain any.  Besides, these additional two pounds brings me down to 77 pounds from my heighest weight.  So, I'm reminded that the bigger picture is the most important piece of this.

We're done with week 16 now, which was about post-surgery exercise.  We have just eight weeks left.  Wow!  We discussed the things that we can start doing now to ensure as much success as possible after the surgery.  For this week's class, our regular facilitator wasn't there so our structure was a little different with a sub.  This class was particularly odd because a stranger just happened to walk into our room by accident.  The place where our class is situated is in a corner room, so most people don't come there unless they are specifically looking for it.  It turns out that she was looking for a person in one of the classes, but it was the wrong time.  This person, though, had bariatric surgery six months ago.  We took the opportunity to ask her questions while she was there.  It was pretty funny because she stood in front of our class for about 45 minutes and gave us an impromptu talk on her story.  She had gastric bypass surgery and we haven't had one of those speakers yet, so we threw a million questions at her.  She was a great sport, though, because she answered every single one and even ended up showing us her tummy to let us know what the incisions looked like.  Imagine that ... a complete stranger lifting her shirt and showing us her tummy.  I loved that!

Prior to her walking in the room, I was one hundred percent all about the sleeve.  I had my mind made up that it was going to be the surgery I would select when it was time to let the surgeon know my decision.  There was absolutely no question in my mind. Then she shared her experience and I sat there almost in stunned silence because I was seriously starting to question my decision.  I know that everybody has a different story.  Some people have a great surgical experience and some are not so great.  I know that deep down inside, especially with all the research I've done and talking to various people online.  I have a good friend that had the bypass as well and I will often throw random questions her way.  She very sweetly answers them every single time [thank you for that my love!].  With the telling of her story, the person who happened to walk into our class told us about the fact that she had no pain from the surgery, no side effects, being able to be more active with her kids and so much more.  She also talked about the difficult parts, like mourning over not being able to eat certain foods and having an episode of dumping.  Yet, she kept saying, "You guys will be fine, you'll be just fine."  No matter what difficulties came up, she reiterated that she had absolutely no doubts about her decision and wished she had done it sooner.  I listened to her story and I thought to myself, "Gosh, that doesn't sound bad at all."  I keep wondering what I was so afraid of with the bypass.  I listed to her, asked questions along with other people and left there feeling struck with a million more questions inside.

What have been my issues with the bypass?  Well, for one, the malabsorption that occurs is a concern.  I thought about the fact that I would have to take supplements for the rest of my life.  I never went to the place of consideration that I'm already taking medication, so what's the big leap?  If I don't take my insulin, for example, I'm pretty screwed.  Then the idea of having my intestines moved around scared me.  What if they surgeon makes a mistake?  What is my course of action at that point?  It's a permanent surgery and my system will be forever changed.  Okay, that's a valid concern.  I also had thought a lot about stories I have heard of people gaining the weight back and other possible complications.  I was forgetting that the sleeve comes with its own potential issues.  Yet, that stranger's talk was replaying in my head and I wondered if perhaps I was closing my mind to at least being open to looking at the other side more.

The next night, which was last night, I had the infomation session with a surgeon at Pacific Bariatric.  It is a requirement for us to go to at least one information session prior to being referred for surgery.  With the discussion from the previous night replaying in my head, I reminded myself that I needed to have an open mind and be as honest with myself as possible.  As I drove up to the hospital, was incredibly nervous.  As I looked at the buildings, I was hit with the realization that my life would be changing forever in one of those rooms in just a few months.  Holy crap!

Our session was in the auditorium of the hospital.  I chose a seat right in the front.  I work in education, so I always rationalize to myself that I'll learn better if I'm sitting in the front.  I sat literally in front of the doctor - no better seat than that as far as I'm concerned.  I must say that he was absolutely amazing and I hope I can choose him as my surgeon.  He had an incredible bedside manner.  He was personable, spoke concisely, educated us and made himself available for absolutely every question the audience threw at him.  His approach to the issue of surgery was to first help us understand about the nature of obesity.  He didn't just stand in front of us and tell us we were overweight because we ate too much.  He came right out and described how obesity is a disease.  He talked about the factors that go into it, such as genetic, environmental, psycho-social and more.  I wanted to get up and give him a big hug because I felt like he "got" it.  This isn't just about this particular surgeon, but the entire Pacific Bariatric practice.  The approach was much more than just about the surgery itself, reminding us that this is not a diet but a new lifestyle.  Many doctors do judge patients who are overweight.  Yes, they are quite caring, but I can't tell you how many times I have been looked over and judged by the medical community for my weight.  I didn't feel that at all last night.  I just can't express enough how absolutely impressed I was with the talk.

Because I had such a primo seat, I was able to really pay attention when he demonstrated how each of the surgeries work and what our bodies look like internally before and after.  I wanted to focus, so I didn't take any notes until I got home.  This is such an important decision in my life with such a major surgery.  It is going to affect the rest of my life, so I wanted to be present enough and open enough to hear everything.  In my mind, I was really starting to focus more on the bypass and less on the sleeve, just like I had in the impromptu talk the night before.  As a diabetic patient who has sleep apnea and other issues, I needed to know what was the right choice for me.  As if reading my mind, the discussion started going in that direction.  The doctor told us that, when we meet with a surgeon, we will talk about all the options and select the one that is going to serve us the best in terms of long-term success for our specific needs.  My surgeon will not be telling me which surgery to have, but he will be giving me his recommendation as we discuss my options together.  There were a couple of things that really stuck out for me:

• If a person has a severe case of diabetes and is taking insulin, they recommend the bypass.  While it is possible to go into remission with the sleeve, the chances are much better with the bypass.  I knew this, but the doctor was pretty clear to say that those on insulin benefit much more with the bypass than those just taking oral medications.
• If a person has more than 150 pounds to lose, they recommend the bypass.  While people can lose a lot on the sleeve, and many have, the chances for losing all my excess weight and getting into a healthy BMI range is great with the bypass.  The very idea of being in a healthy weight range brings tears to my eyes. 
• The rate of complications is very low with the bypass.  Their statistic is that one patient in every two thousand, or .28 percent, may have a complication.  In the over 16,000 bariatric surgeries they have performed, only four had to go in for revision surgery because of a complication.  They have only had one death and that was not related to the surgery, but it did happen a month after it was performed.  In fact, they are a center of excellence and have the best morbidity rate in the nation.  In the nation.  
• There is thirty years of data that backs up the success of the bypass versus no long-term data for the sleeve since it has only been around for nine years.  This does not mean the sleeve is not a great surgery, but there just simply is a lot of history with the bypass.

If you haven't figured it out already, I am seriously considering the bypass again after the talks on both Monday and last night.  I believe in my heart, stronger than I can ever express in words, that it was God's hand at work that our visitor appeared in class on Monday.  Had she not come in, my heart would not have been as open to the possibility of the bypass in yesterday's information session.  His hand was at work as well last night with such an impressive surgeon.  I am praying that I continue having an open heart and a willingness to search my soul for the truth of what is going to be the right decision for me.  At the end of the day, the decision is going to be mine and mine alone.  Clearly I am going to take everything into consideration, but I also know that I have to be honest with myself.  Don't I want to give myself the best opportunity for long-term success and  the possibility of a healthy, long life?  Of course.  

Pre-op class #14 and weekly weigh-in

This week's pre-op class was about identifying the choices I make on a daily basis and being able to accept responsibility for outcomes.  I realized how proactive I have been about making small changes since the six-month classes started to help me be as successful as possible when it comes time to have my vertical sleeve done.  Little by little I have been doing more and more very positive things, such as logging in all of my food, getting in regular exercise and starting to practice post-surgery eating behaviors like getting my protein in first.   I don't want to be in a situation where I am scrambling to start adopting certain post-surgical habits.  Instead, I would really like to just focus on healing and making healthy choices for myself.

During the class, a question was posed about some choices I regularly make that I dislike and cause me discomfort and pain.  The two things that came to mind right away for me was having to inject insulin because I am a diabetic and the pain I have in using my CPAP machine.  It really is hard to adequately explain how painful it is to be in a place where I need to inject insulin into my body to live.  It's not the physical pain of the needle so much as it is the emotional pain that surrounds it.  My body does not produce the insulin that naturally occurs in non-diabetics, so I have to put it into my system through a needle in my stomach.  If I don't do that, I could very well die.  There are so many emotions that surround that, running the gamut from frustration to fear.  In the same vain, the CPAP machine causes so many emotions as well.  Prolonged non-usage of the machine could lead to congestive heart failure, among other things.  It causes me emotional pain and physical pain.  I am having a very hard time sleeping with it on my face and the sleep medication I have been prescribed to take to help with that leaves me very groggy and unable to sleep with the machine on my face.

Those two things cause me a lot of distress and bring about a myriad of different emotions.  I pray that after the surgery, these two major issues get resolved.  Only God knows what the outcome will be.  I know things will be better with continued weight loss, it's just a matter of continuing to practice resiliency as I walk through this process.  Speaking of weight loss, I lost four and a half pounds this week.  Wooo hooo!  I am super thrilled with that loss.  That brings me to a loss of over 23 pounds since I started the pre-op program.  While I'm in this phase, the surgeon wants us to strive for a ten percent weight loss prior to surgery.  I have about 14 pounds to go to hit that goal, so that feels really good.  In fact, I'm feeling really good in general about where things are for me right now.  I'm celebrating successes and also facing challenges as they pop up.  A day at a time, that is very manageable.

Water Challenge Day 87:  Drank 178 of 174 ounces

I keep learning why it's important to log things

I am one of those people that keeps lists of lists.  I have to keep them otherwise I'll forget half my world.  It especially happens when I have too much on my mind.  That's the same reason I keep everything on my calendar.  If it doesn't tell me where to go and when, I'm in trouble.  In the same vain, writing things down keeps me honest.  If my doctor has to remind me to send her my blood sugar numbers to see if my diabetes is in check, it means that they are out of whack and I'm avoiding checking to see the truth.  If I don't get on the scale, it's because I'm afraid to see the number in between my feet.

Imagine my resistance when I was told at the beginning of the pre-op bariatric classes that I would need to keep a log of all of the food I eat and that I would need to show it to the facilitator every week.  I was resentful, but compliant.  I didn't say anything about how I felt, just did what I was told.  Secretly I hated tracking every single thing I ate.  I mean, how do you track when you make a sandwich?  Let's see.

2 pieces of whole wheat bread
1 slice of cheese
2 slices of turkey breast
1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of mustard
1 piece of lettuce
2 slices of tomatoes

Are you freakin' kidding me?  All of that for one measly sandwich?  Grr, okay.  I did remember I was using MyFitnessPal before, so I could scan the food with a barcode.  It still felt cumbersome, but whatever.  In the beginning, I'd have to catch up on my days that I would have something to show when I had to produce my food log on my phone.  Over time, though, I would log things in as I had them, even after we weren't required to show our food log any longer.  After a while, it became habit and I'm even doing it together with a bunch of people who help me stay more accountable.  Accountability is a big thing for me.  I definitely have to be accountable to myself.  Yet, knowing that other people are going to see what I'm doing is something that helps me stay away from certain foods enough to the point that I'm now doing it on my own because it's what I choose, not for fear that someone else will judge me.

This weekend my mom is staying with me.  She likes taking care of me and making the meals.  It's a sweet thing because it allows her to still be a mom taking care of her child.  I do have to talk to her about making less starchy food because I don't really eat it as much as I used to.  When she came with her belongings today, she brought something I used to have as a child.  My mother is Filipino (I'm Filipino on her side and Hungarian, Norwegian and German on my dad's side for anyone who's curious), so there are certain dishes that are staples in that diet, most of which I just can't eat in any great quantity.  The thing she brought today was a food called Pan De Coco.  It's sweet white bread with a coconut sugary concoction in the middle.

I know it sounds a little weird, but it's really good.  I rationalized in my head that having one wouldn't be bad at all since they are so little.  She only brought two, so she would have one and I would have one.  After I was done with my meal, I logged that piece of bread in along with other things I had.  I realized in that moment, like a slap upside my head, the brilliance of logging in all your food.  That little piece of bread had 349 calories and 61 grams of carbs.

Speechless.

So, seriously, log your food.  If you don't use MyFitnessPal, then use some other method that gives you nutritional values.  It is a major eye-opener.  I remember eating several of these things in one sitting when I was a kid.  I could never do that now without my blood sugar going through the roof.  I still managed to end the day with eating 1238 calories and having burned a lot through exercise, so everything was manageable.  The issue, though, is that I don't want to travel down that road where one bad choice leads to another.  I've been doing great with my food intake and I want to continue on that positive trend.

Water Challenge Day 84:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

Pre-op class #12, weekly weigh-in & seeing my therapist

Last night was class number 12 of my pre-op bariatric classes through Kaiser.  Hooray, we're halfway there!  I find myself looking forward to the classes every week, not only because of what we may be talking about but also because my fellow classmates are an amazing group of people.  We had a speaker who shared her experience of having the gastric sleeve done about a year and a half ago.  She even revealed her stomach with the excess skin.  For some people, that might have been discouraging since it seems most have a huge hope that they will be the person who does not end up with loose skin.  With the amount of weight I need to lose, I am realistic and know I will be sporting excess skin.  But I look at it this way:  would I rather have excess skin or a round body that fills up all my skin?  Besides, I lost 192 pounds before ... I know exactly what my body looked like at the time.  My tummy wasn't bad at all compared to my thighs.  I had major excess skin there.  Yet, I accept it for what it is and would gladly have that problem versus being overweight and unhealthy.  My whole thing with having the weight loss surgery has been about quality of life issues.

In terms of my weigh-in, I lost another two pounds.  Yay!  I'm happy to steadily be going down, down, down.  That's a 16 pound loss since I started the classes, which I will gladly take.  During my Spring Break this week, I have been trying to stay as active as possible.  This morning, for example, I decided that I was going to go to one of our local lakes that has a five mile course around it and get a good walk in.  It's been hot here, in the 90's, but I figured that since I was walking in the morning, it wouldn't be so bad.  I wasn't intending on walking all the way around the lake, but maybe doing about three miles or so.  How bad can exercise be when there's such a pretty view?  This is a picture of part of the lake on the right.  As I parked my car and prepared my gear for the walk, I thought to myself, "Hmm, feels a little warm."  Despite how pretty it was, I was sweating in a matter of a few minutes and decided to turn my shrinking butt around and head back to my car.  It was just way to hot for comfort (I found out later it was 95 degrees).  I did a mile there and then decided that the air conditioned comfort of my gym had my name all over it!  I ended up doing three more miles on the treadmill with the cool air surrounding me.  Ahhhh.

Prior to my class yesterday, I had a session with my therapist.  Man, that was incredibly emotional.  I'm one of those people who refuses to lie to her therapist because, really, what's the point of that?  When I get honest, especially about things that I carefully avoid talking about to other people, the emotions seem to smack me in the face and leave me feeling incredibly vulnerable.  One of the first things we talked about is something that has been bothering me for quite some time.  In the last year or two, my fear of heights has gotten to a debilitating level and it's really concerning me.  I've always had a fear of heights, ever since I was a small child.  Lately, though, it's crossed over into almost a terror feeling.  I will avoid heights, no matter if it's a few feet off the ground or several stories.  I think it's not even about the height necessarily but the fear of falling.  I was recently walking with a friend on a very small bridge and told her I had to turn around.  When you look at the bridge we were on, you would probably question my sanity because it was not that high at all.  It's just an awful feeling for me inside.  My heart starts racing, my legs become rubbery and I go into a panic attack.  It's a horrible feeling that I can't really describe well, but it is a true fear for me.  Suffice it to say that I avoid heights at all costs.  It's been bothering me a lot, though, because I feel absolutely disabled by it.  So we're going to start treatment in regards to that.  I know this means that, through the therapy, I will likely eventually have to get back on a bridge or some such thing.  I'm tired of avoiding it, though.  There are things I simply won't do because heights are involved.

The other half of the session focused in on the issue I described in my last post - feeling "less than" and body image.  Thank you to those who were so sweet to leave me a message.  We really delved into my history with men, from being raped, having a period of high promiscuity to even how things ended with my ex-boyfriend.  I was in absolute tears talking to her.  It's not as if I'm planning on looking to start a relationship right now.  With my preparation for surgery, I have a lot on my plate and getting involved with someone is not something I want to do.  Can you imagine dating and having to explain why you're only eating tiny bits of food or somehow experience "dumping" in front of them?  That would be incredibly embarrassing.  The feelings that I'm going through right now are more about loving and accepting myself now.  We definitely are our own worst critics, me included.  I don't want to look in the mirror and think of myself as an ugly, unworthy, hideous human being any longer.  That's not fair, to myself or anyone else that tells me I'm opposite of that.  I even had a man checking me out several times at the gym today.  If that's not a boost, then I don't know what is!  These are feelings I don't verbalize with other people, but I do want to be able to get to a point where I can appreciate myself in the same way others do.  I don't want to constantly stare in the mirror and tear myself down.  So I'm bringing these feelings out and talking about them with my therapist.  She told me she wants to see me more often, which I'm happy to do.  I want to move past the self-criticism into a healthier existence - body, mind and soul.

Water Challenge Day 75:  Drank 180 of 178 ounces 

A new toy just for me and being honest

I bought myself a new pretty pink toy today.  I'm now officially a part of the Fitbit world!  I decided to just go for it  because I've been jealously eyeing other people who have it.  The calorie burn that MyFitnessPal says I earn when I exercise and the one in MapMyWalk is different and I know this is definitely accurate.  Besides, I've wanted to strive to walk 10,000 steps a day and this is a great way of doing that.

So, when I got home, of course I immediately got it set up.  Once I put it on and wondered if it was working, I was so excited to see the steps starting to add up.  I walked up and down the hallway.  I walked around and around the coffee table.  I played with one of my cats where we chased each other from room to room.  I decided to go throw the trash.  Then I went out again to put recycling in the bin.  I got out the vacuum and went through every room in the house.  When I made a salad for dinner, I grabbed each item one by one so that I could get my in my steps ... spring mix, check - tomato, check - chicken, check - cheese, check.  Tee hee, it's been fun using it for the first time.  I can't wait to see how many miles I walk tomorrow.  Yeah, I'm totally a techno geek and you love me for it!!  For some reason, it isn't syncing up with MyFitnessPal (or vice versa), but I also might be impatient.  I walked for a half an hour at lunch today and that didn't transfer over, neither did my food and water.  Patience is not one of my virtues.

Okay, enough of my nerdiness (for now).  During my last post, I discussed some questions that came up in my last pre-op class that I would ponder and share on here.  They were pretty tough questions requiring me to find a level of honesty that is not always easy to talk about.  Here we go ...

What factors in my current lifestyle contribute most to my obesity?  Since I started the pre-op classes through Kaiser in preparation for the surgery, I have adopted some changes to my eating habits that have served me well.  For example, I am no longer eating sweets, which was a really huge thing to give up on my side.  I'm hardly ever drinking soda any longer.  I have been tracking all of my food to see where my calories, carbs and other numbers are at day to day.  I do know that I am not exercising as much as I would like.  For some reason, I have been avoiding the gym like the plague.  I can't even say why.  I have been doing walking, which is great for me, but I would like to incorporate more regular exercise.  That could include walking or other things that the gym can offer me.  I do know another area that has been concerning me greatly is my blood sugar levels.  I'm either too low or way too high.  I have medication and insulin, yet my numbers defy logic at times and then at other times I know it's totally my fault.  Having blood sugar out of whack I know contributes to obesity.  Because my numbers have been the way they have, I have been avoiding sending the record of them to my doctor.  She has asked me twice for them and I keep putting it off.  I keep telling myself that somehow I'll be able to pull it together and get the numbers down on my own.  Pull what together exactly is beyond me.  I suppose I think I need to come up with the right answers when all she is trying to do is to ensure I'm on track.  And, if I'm not on track, she's there to help me.  I also have been having horrible sleep patterns lately.  I cannot sleep with my CPAP machine, no matter what I do.  It's been completely frustrating and it's resulted in me being exhausted each day.  As a result, I've been skipping using it because I need to have at least some sort of sleep at night.  I do have next week off of work, so I'm hoping I can give it another try.  All of these things can definitely contribute to obesity, although I must say I definitely am putting work in to try to change my habits.

What do I need to do to commit to lifestyle changes that support my health?  I think the best thing I can do is keep doing what I have been doing in terms of incorporating changes that help me build better, healthier habits.  I need to commit on a daily basis that I will take action towards good health, whether that is in the food I eat, the sleep I get or the exercise I do.  Continuing to be honest about both my triumphs and challenges will be equally as important.

What weight do I think is my optimal healthy weight?  Have I ever maintained a weight as an adult that was comfortable and felt good to me?  What felt good about that weight and will I be satisfied to be that weight again?  This is a really tough couple of questions.  What I think is a healthy weight for me might be completely outside reality for my height.  In my mind, I think 150 pounds would be ideal.  A healthy BMI range for me is between 130 (if you can believe that!) and 175 pounds.  I'm almost 5'10" so I have to be realistic.  I know that I will never be a size 4, nor do I want to be that skinny, but I just don't know what's the right range for me.  When I was doing Optifast, I lost 192 pounds and got down to 227 pounds.  At that time, I went from a size 34 to a size 16.  That was the smallest I had ever been yet, even at that weight, I still felt like I had a long way to go to get to an ideal body size.  Oh how I wish I were that size right now!  Hindsight is always 20/20.  At that size, though, I was happy that I could fit into clothes sold at a normal store (versus a larger woman store).  I was able to comfortably fit behind a steering wheel and didn't need a seat belt extension on an airplane.  If I'm being entirely honest, I really don't feel like I would be satisfied at that weight if I were to get there again although I can say that I know I would feel a lot more comfortable compared to where I am now.  I know that body image plays a big part in feeling confident with the woman that looks back at me in the mirror.

What style of eating will fit me best?  I have no clue what will work best for me.  In many ways, I am a blank slate because doing things my way has never worked well.  Sometimes I think that I should eat meals and snacks more frequently and then, at other times, I think I should only be having three meals a day.  There is a part of me that does not want to make any decisions, that I would rather be told what to do ... eat this, don't eat that.  Taking decision-making out of the equation seems like a nice way to approach weight loss.  Yet, I do know that is not realistic at all.  I live in the world where I need to make decisions all the time about my health.  I'm not a child any longer that depends on her parents.  A big reason that I have wanted to pursue weight loss surgery is because my body will tell me when enough is enough.  This is something that I will need to reflect on as a I go through the steps before and after surgery.

Water Challenge Day 71:  Drank 179 of 179 ounces

Pre-op class #10 and weekly weigh-in

Wow, this week's pre-op class was pretty difficult.  The topic was on addiction.  One of the things I absolutely love about the classes and why I'm so grateful to be spending the time working on various topics each week is because it so much more than just the semantics of the surgery.  Sure, we could spend our time reviewing the pros and cons of our choices and the nutrition issues that go along with them.  After a certain period of time, though, we would only be dealing with surface-level topics.  The bigger concern, at least for me, is the reasons why I have gone to food in my life.  Giving my body nutrients to sustain my life often times never really crossed my mind.  Okay, that might be the case for things such as asparagus and oatmeal, but those are not the sorts of foods that I have found myself clinging to in moments of need.  It has been things more like a carton of ice cream, cake, pie, cookies, muffins, pizza, chips.  I wish I could tell you all that I have been a lady around these foods, but I'd be telling you a bold-faced lie.  What I was in those moments was a compulsive overeater who would eat the whole bag, box or carton of whatever concoction was in front of me if left on my own.  When no one is looking, I would definitely go to town.

Am I a food addict?  Hell yes.  I am to food like a drug addict is to crack or the alcoholic is to the bottle.  I cannot rationalize in my mind that it is not as serious because it is.  For me, it has always been that way.  Part of why I have a blog in the first place is to help me move on from emotional eating into something much more wonderful.  I sit here at my laptop and share my life and feelings with all you lovely readers and friends because I need to let go of the ways I have always used food in unhealthy ways.  Being transparent helps me share myself with you, but also with myself.  

The reason this week's class really got to me is because what we were discussing hit me squarely between the eyes.  It described me perfectly in what I do with food and that was hard.  Granted, I am not doing many of the things that were brought up right now, but I'm always inches away from it.  For me, it's a matter of making a conscious decision at each meal to give my body loving care and not abusing it with sugar, flour and grease, which are downfalls for me.  Today at lunch, for example, I found myself needing to go out and get myself something to eat because I didn't prepare food at home and my friend that I usually walk with wasn't at work today.  So I found myself alone.  I started rationalizing in my head how I could get away with having a hamburger and no one would know.  God, where did that come from?  I would know.  I'm not working on weight loss and good health for anybody else, just me.  As I wondered where I would go for lunch, I knew exactly where ... a place that I could not get fast food.  I knew I would be kicking myself if I did that.  Thankfully I found enough strength inside to just say no to those fleeting thoughts and I found myself ordering a salad.  

Our class material covered the different thoughts that someone has when it comes to how their addiction imbeds itself into their lives.  One difficult piece was the phases of addictive behavior.  I was talking to a couple of classmates and gave an example of something I have done before.  At times where I know I'm going to be home alone or when I start thinking about leaving work for the day, I have had thoughts about food and how I could get my hands on it.  We're not talking about eggplant here.  

In this one particular instance, I thought about how good it would be to buy a carton of ice cream at the store on the way home so that I could eat it in private.  I would leave the office and stop off at the grocery store, looking for my fix.  I would be tunnel-visioned, only wanting that one thing and not caring about any negative consequences.  I'd buy other foods to cover it up so that a normal-sized person wouldn't judge me, but the ice cream was all I cared about.  I'd get home, close the blinds, open the carton and then dig in.  My phone may be ringing or someone could have been knocking at the door and I wouldn't care.  I was on a mission.  The first few bites would taste like pure heaven, but then I'd start to feel guilty.  My blood sugar would skyrocket and I'd inject insulin to offset the high number.  I'd feel shame and remorse but then, in that moment, instead of throwing the rest of the carton away, I would eat it until it was all gone.  Maybe I did it in one sitting or maybe I would do it over the course of the evening, but make no mistake about it when I say it would be gone.  And I would be left having to deal with the repercussions of what I had done to myself.  Who in their right mind eats a carton of ice cream except for an addict?  Going even further, who in their right mind goes for more food after that is gone?  

That above example is not about gluttony.  It is about how an addiction can take hold of a person.  Some may think that addiction to food is nowhere near as bad as drugs or alcohol.  The problem in that scenario is that while death is much more eminent with a drug addict, the same thing happens to a food addict except their death takes a lot longer.  It comes in the form of a diseased body riddled with excess weight, chronic pain and numerous ailments.  Who willingly chooses that?  It's an addiction.

Thankfully I am not participating in that sort of behavior any longer, praise you Lord, but I could be one bite away from it.  If I dare bring any of that sort of food into my house right now, I know it will be gone because I would have eaten it.  Something would have compelled me and it's precisely that something that I am working on.  Maybe I can reintroduce those foods in the future, who knows.  Right now, though, the inside has to be healed just as much as the outside.  I don't want to go through surgery only to be back in the same place all over again.  I am willing to dig as deeply as I must to prevent me from returning to old behaviors.  I do have a fear that I will go through surgery and that I will fail.  Whatever the doctors and experts tell me to do, I am willing.  Sometimes searching my soul is incredibly painful.  It means opening doors that I wanted sealed shut and being honest at a level that feels brutal at times.  

As I was reading a few blogs earlier, I discovered the greatest post from Diane over at Fit to the Finish.  Her post, "Losing a Bunch of Weight Doesn't Ensure Happiness" was amazing.  If you have a chance, click on this link and read that post, especially the ending where she provides great suggestions on working towards emotional healing.  I know this is a long process and does not happen overnight.  But, if I keep working on it, it will continue getting better and, who knows, maybe someday ice cream won't call to me so much.  If it does, I definitely don't have to answer, one day at a time, one meal at a time.

Oops, I almost forgot ... I lost two pounds this week.  Yay me ;-)  Believe it or not, I'm happy with the slow loss because it means I'm heading in the right direction.  Thanks for always being so supportive.  It really does mean a lot to me, more than you could ever know.

Water Challenge Day 63:  Drank 180 of 180 ounces

Pre-op class #9 and weekly weigh-in

Yipee, my staying stagnate streak has ended.  The last couple of weeks I was staying at the same weight, but I dropped three pounds this past week.  I'm happy with that.  Maybe all the extra exercising that I have been doing has helped!  Unfortunately I didn't get exercise in today.  I wasn't able to walk during lunch because of work commitments and the same will be true tomorrow.  I'm promising right here that I'll get some sort of exercise in tomorrow after work, whether at the gym or at home.  I don't want too many days to pass in between.

Last night's pre-op class was about healthy physical activity and building exercise into my life.  I'm glad that I've been exercising consistently because it felt good to be able to say the things I'm already doing.  In going through the material, I was reminded that exercise is not necessarily just going to the gym or going for a walk.  There are ways to get your heart pumping that can be incorporated into daily living, such as taking the stairs instead of an elevator or parking the furthest spot away in a lot instead of the closest spot.  Some really great suggestions from the reading include:

• Leaving sneakers by my front door to remind me to walk
• Bringing a change of clothes to work with me and going straight to the gym afterwards (that is a really good one because once I get home and start to relax, I won't want to go)
• Scheduling exercise into my calendar to remind me to get it done, just like any other appointment

The most important take-away for me is to always remember there is time to exercise.  The commitment level has to be there.  I've been incorporating changes in my life to prepare myself for surgery and my life afterwards, like no longer having sweets and bread.  While it has been challenging, it has felt pretty awesome to know that I can do this.  The same is true for including exercise and more movement in my life.  Sure, I don't necessarily want to do those things at times, but I always feel better when I do get in more physical activity.   

One of the things that has really helped is being actively engaged in MyFitnessPal.  I log in all my food every single day, along with my exercise.  I even have changed the settings so anyone can go on there and check out what food I'm eating.  That keeps me super accountable and very honest.  Sometimes that's not easy.  Today I had picked up some lunch because I didn't make the time to do it at home.  I got very tasty, but not great for me, Chinese food.  I still logged it in.  It's frightening to see how many calories are in Chinese food.  No wonder it tastes so freaking good!  It's not worth it, though.  I don't want to have days like this all the time where I'm worried that I'm going to go over my daily allotment just because of the choice I made at lunch.  Sometimes the hardest thing is to be honest, even with just myself let alone other people.  I'm committed to change, though, so I'll keep moving forward.

Water Challenge Day 57:  Drank 192 of 180 ounces