Weekly weigh-in

I had a pretty kick-ass week with a loss of 6.3 pounds.  Hooray!  I have to say that the weight loss is feeling great.  Just in case you may be under the assumption that the surgery did all the work, think again!  I have been exercising a lot and watching the food I eat like a hawk.  I weigh, measure and record every piece of food I have and I'm one hundred percent honest with myself.  The surgery is but a tool.

I had a post-op visit with my surgeon today.  It went really well.  He told me that I am doing a fantastic job on my weight loss.  In fact, he said I am on the high end of loss for those at the same stage as me.  That was a great boost.  I did talk to him about what should be the primary focus - how much protein I get in or the amount of calories.  He told me I should be focusing on both.  I shouldn't get in too much more than 600 calories a day on average, even when I exercise.  He explained that most of the significant weight loss will happen in the first six months.  After that, things drop off dramatically so I want to be sure I'm in the weight loss mode now more than ever.  He is strict on how fast I progress through the stages of adding food back in.  Some doctors move their patients pretty quickly to foods such as chicken or red meat, but that isn't what he does.  Something he explained to me that was surprising is that he said your tummy actually shrinks even more in the weeks following surgery before it gets to a point that the restriction isn't as significant as in the initial phases.  So basically he told me to keep doing what I'm doing.  We talked about other issues I'm having, such as the low blood sugar, light-headedness and more.  He was very patient with all of my questions, which I appreciated.  Sometimes I feel like I ask too many questions, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Change of gears.  A couple of days ago, I posted a picture of myself online in Facebook, MyFitnessPal and on Instagram that was an updated shot of what I'm looking like now after six weeks post-op.  Here it is if you didn't get the opportunity to see it.

I have been floored at the sheer volume of people that have told me I look beautiful and pretty. Sometimes I expect comments like that from friends because it's just something we do:  "Oh, you look so beautiful today" or "Oh my gosh, don't you look pretty!"  However, I posted this picture in a gastric bypass group and on my Instagram feed, so not everyone in those places knows me personally.  They have no vested interest in saying I look pretty except if it's coming from an honest place.  This has been so shocking to me, on one hand, and difficult to deal with on the other.  Of course a woman always loves to hear compliments, but one of my biggest self-esteem issues has always been that I think I look ugly.  I always had a different kind of look.  I wasn't a blonde Barbie but I also wasn't the typical Asian girl either.  My ethnic background is very unique with me being Filipino, German, Hungarian, Norwegian and Scandanavian.  I never really felt like I looked like anyone else and, therefore, on the outside looking.  But here are perfect strangers telling me quite the opposite.  It just helped me realized that I can stop hiding behind my body and come to accept myself just as I am right in this moment, a creation of God, and that's better than just okay.  I don't have to beat myself up by saying that I'm ugly.  Besides, a person is only truly ugly if they're ugly on the inside and I know I'm not.  These are exactly the sorts of things that keeping on weight does for me.  It convinces me that I'm some sort of monster dragging her hands on the ground when that's just not true at all.  When I embrace myself, I am happy with who I am.  Look at that smile in the picture ... that's not fake.

Seriously, don't do what I did

I don't like using the word stupid.  It's a mean word, especially for those in this world that have been called that in their life.  However, I have no other word to use to describe what I did today.  It really was stupid. It was stupid squared.

Last night, I decided to go to bed late and took Ambien before falling asleep so that I could do so using my CPAP machine.  I'm still struggling being able to sleep with that darn thing.  I haven't given up on it, though.  I actually called the doctor, who's a sleep specialist, for help today.  I knew, though, that it would probably make me wake up later, which it did.  I did manage to get a few hours on the machine though.  Yay for that.  Because I woke up later, I was pretty hungry so I had a protein shake right away.  I've been trying to replace 1-2 of my meals with protein shakes in preparation for surgery and to continue to lose weight leading up to the surgery.  I then decided to run some errands.  While I was out, I was a good distance away from home and was ready for lunch.  If I waited until I got home, it would have been about 3 p.m. before I had anything to eat so I decided to stop somewhere for food.  And where did I stop, you're wondering?  Well, of course the healthiest place I could go ... Panda Express.

I told you, stupid decision.  I love Chinese food and, really, this isn't really good stuff, it's just fast and convenient food that I guess could pass for Chinese for the less discerning out there.  What I ordered was fried, coated with sugar in the form of sauce and a carbohydrate lover's dream.  I can't even tell you what my thought process was while doing this to be quite honest.  Maybe it's because my food has been super clean and I felt like I needed a "reward".  Maybe it's because I'm having surgery in a month or two and I'm feeling like I need to eat it while I can.  I just don't know, but it was a horrible decision on my part.

As soon as I got home, I wasn't feeling very good.  Ya think?  My tummy is not used to this stuff anymore.  I kind of felt sick to my stomach.  I also could feel my body reacting and knew my blood sugar was probably elevated.  That's a freaking understatement.

I did a double-take when I saw that number and went into a little bit of a panic.  Then I immediately went into my fridge and pulled my insulin out to inject into my body to bring that number down.  After eating, it should be around 140-160 at the most.  I knew I needed to continue bringing it down so I worked out hard when it was safe to do so (you shouldn't exercise when it's too high).  I was dripping with sweat, somehow trying to negate what I did.

After that, I logged everything into MyFitnessPal so that I could keep myself honest.

That lunch alone was 1,350 calories.  If I had the entire serving of chow mein noodles, it would have been even worse.  These are the moments that I get reminded why I am pursuing weight loss surgery.  Clearly I'm going to have to continue changing my relationship around food since surgery is just a tool.  It is not going to fix the part in my head that gravitates towards certain foods or overeating.   The only thing it will do will prevent me from having large quantities of food in one sitting. I'm keeping it real here, though, because we're as sick as our secrets.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely not.  I pray I remember how I felt today the next time I feel obligated to indulge. Panda Express ... are you serious Kathy??

Pre-op class #15 and weekly weigh-in

It's funny how different perspective can be, isn't it?  I went to my pre-op class tonight and lost two and a half pounds at the weigh-in.  I was happy about that number, but a little disappointed as well.  I thought to myself, "Hm, only two and a half pounds after how much I killed it this week?"  I thought about everything I did wrong, at least in my head, during the course of these last seven days.  I have been trying to avoid eating bread, rice and some other carb-laden foods, as well as sweets.  For the most part I have done well, but I did have a few things throughout the week that had more carbs than I would have liked.  Yet, when I posted my weight update in MyFitnessPal, I received quite a bit of congrats from friends.  Funny how I was doing the blame-game while they were celebrating the loss.  I have so much to learn from other people.  This weigh-in makes it a loss of 75 pounds from my highest weight and 26 pounds since I started the pre-op Kaiser program.  That is definitely something to celebrate.

Our class tonight was about the post-op diet we will be dealing with after the surgery.  It was a pretty intense conversation.  Many of the things we talked about were things I already knew because of all of the research I've done on my own.  They were things like:

• My stomach will only be able to hold just a few tablespoons of food after the surgery.
• No mixing protein shakes in a blender unless I wait for the bubbles to disappear otherwise it'll create air pockets and gas in my system.
• No drinking a half an hour before, during or after a meal because my tummy will need the space for protein.

The list is much longer, but these were just a few things that I got reminded of during our discussion.  I've read these things before but I guess discussing them as a group and getting a glimpse of reality after the surgery was pretty much in my face.  I shared with others in my group that it feels like a mourning of sorts.  That's hard to explain to others that are not going through this same process, but it's the death of a life that has become familiar, even if it wasn't healthy.  My go-to response for a lot of things in life is to seek comfort or familiarity with food.  Feeling bored?  Go in the kitchen and eat something.  Feeling stressed?  Food makes it better.  Feeling anxious?  Food calms you down.  For me, it will be a whole new way of reacting to life and being present in it.  I'm certainly not complaining because the flip side of that is that I will have far less pain, I will have less ailments and I'll feel overall much healthier.  

When I think about the seriousness of this surgery, it can be a bit overwhelming.  This is, after all, major surgery.  When I had cancer, I had major surgery as well.  There is a scar on my back from the bottom of  my shoulder blade almost down to my waist on the left side of my back.  There is also a scar under my left arm.  The long incision allowed the surgeon to go deep into my body and remove the cancer cells.  The area under my arm was to make sure it didn't spread to other parts of my body.  I had 30 staples in my back.  There was a lot of healing that had to take place.  In the same respect, the vertical sleeve surgery is incredibly serious.  The surgeon will be taking out most of my stomach.  For the rest of my life, I will have to eat and drink differently.  I will have to take care of my body in a way that I never have before.  It's so much more than just watching what I'm eating.  I will still have to do the work.  If I think I'm working hard now with watching what I'm eating and exercising routinely, that will probably be increased tenfold.  I have a healthy respect for this process and I'm seriously not trying to overthink it, but it felt a bit overwhelming in class tonight.  I'm so glad I have a place where I can just write about what I'm going through.  It helps me process everything and be reminded that if God brings me to it, He'll also bring me through it.

Water Challenge Day 93:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces 

Staring fear in the face

I had an appointment with my therapist the other day.  We talked a lot about the good things I'm incorporating now into my life that will ultimately help me be successful after I have my surgery, such as writing down all of my food and exercising at least an hour (mostly) every day.  Then she asked me what fears I have around the surgery.  I don't know why she asked that ... perhaps she sensed something.

I thought about it for a moment and knew that it wasn't about the surgery itself.  The center that will be performing the surgery has a great reputation for excellence and the surgeons are tops in their field.  They are bariatric specialists, so I have every confidence in the world that they know what they're doing.  It is a major surgery, that's for sure, and I don't take that fact lightly.  They are going in and taking about 85% of my stomach out and there's a weirdness factor to that.  Yet, I'm okay with the surgery itself.

Where my fear comes up is about failing.  I really don't want to be one of those people that has surgery and then learns to eat around it, going back up in weight to where I was before, if not worse.  That seriously would break my heart.  Having weight loss surgery is a decision most people make because they have tried everything else, so it's a last resort in many ways.  I know that is the case for me.  I have tried many, many methods to lose the weight.  My doctor has seen me go up and down like a roller coaster year after year.  I fear failing because, let's face it, I've done that before many times.

I can say that something feels different this time.  There's an internal switch that has occurred in me that I have never had before, even when I was on Optifast and was so successful in losing weight there.  I have a level of accountability I haven't had in the past.  If you are my friend over at MyFitnessPal, then you know exactly what I have to eat every single day.  I put it all in there because it keeps me honest, more with myself than with anybody else.  Even when I had too much to eat during Easter, by God I logged it all.  I have purposely not chosen certain foods to eat because I knew the calories were high and it just wasn't worth it to me.  And my fabulous little Fitbit keeps my shrinking butt moving.  Except for maybe two or three times, I am exercising at least an hour a day.  My little gadget motivates me to reach my goals.  The competitor in me (a la Kickass Kathy) strikes when friends get ahead of me in steps.  If someone is 2,000 steps ahead of me for the day, then I'll keep going until I have 2,001 so that I can be ahead of them.  It's friendly competition, but I love it.

While I do have a fear of failing at the surgery, I can clearly see that I'm not just sitting on the sidelines worrying about it.  I'm taking action and doing things to help me be successful, even while there's a part of me that wonders how I will do.  I'm choosing to focus on being in a positive place.  That makes a huge difference in life.  I'm finding that the more positive I am, the less loud the voice is that tells me I will fail.  I like that.

Water Challenge Day 89:  Drank 144 of 178 ounces 

I keep learning why it's important to log things

I am one of those people that keeps lists of lists.  I have to keep them otherwise I'll forget half my world.  It especially happens when I have too much on my mind.  That's the same reason I keep everything on my calendar.  If it doesn't tell me where to go and when, I'm in trouble.  In the same vain, writing things down keeps me honest.  If my doctor has to remind me to send her my blood sugar numbers to see if my diabetes is in check, it means that they are out of whack and I'm avoiding checking to see the truth.  If I don't get on the scale, it's because I'm afraid to see the number in between my feet.

Imagine my resistance when I was told at the beginning of the pre-op bariatric classes that I would need to keep a log of all of the food I eat and that I would need to show it to the facilitator every week.  I was resentful, but compliant.  I didn't say anything about how I felt, just did what I was told.  Secretly I hated tracking every single thing I ate.  I mean, how do you track when you make a sandwich?  Let's see.

2 pieces of whole wheat bread
1 slice of cheese
2 slices of turkey breast
1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of mustard
1 piece of lettuce
2 slices of tomatoes

Are you freakin' kidding me?  All of that for one measly sandwich?  Grr, okay.  I did remember I was using MyFitnessPal before, so I could scan the food with a barcode.  It still felt cumbersome, but whatever.  In the beginning, I'd have to catch up on my days that I would have something to show when I had to produce my food log on my phone.  Over time, though, I would log things in as I had them, even after we weren't required to show our food log any longer.  After a while, it became habit and I'm even doing it together with a bunch of people who help me stay more accountable.  Accountability is a big thing for me.  I definitely have to be accountable to myself.  Yet, knowing that other people are going to see what I'm doing is something that helps me stay away from certain foods enough to the point that I'm now doing it on my own because it's what I choose, not for fear that someone else will judge me.

This weekend my mom is staying with me.  She likes taking care of me and making the meals.  It's a sweet thing because it allows her to still be a mom taking care of her child.  I do have to talk to her about making less starchy food because I don't really eat it as much as I used to.  When she came with her belongings today, she brought something I used to have as a child.  My mother is Filipino (I'm Filipino on her side and Hungarian, Norwegian and German on my dad's side for anyone who's curious), so there are certain dishes that are staples in that diet, most of which I just can't eat in any great quantity.  The thing she brought today was a food called Pan De Coco.  It's sweet white bread with a coconut sugary concoction in the middle.

I know it sounds a little weird, but it's really good.  I rationalized in my head that having one wouldn't be bad at all since they are so little.  She only brought two, so she would have one and I would have one.  After I was done with my meal, I logged that piece of bread in along with other things I had.  I realized in that moment, like a slap upside my head, the brilliance of logging in all your food.  That little piece of bread had 349 calories and 61 grams of carbs.

Speechless.

So, seriously, log your food.  If you don't use MyFitnessPal, then use some other method that gives you nutritional values.  It is a major eye-opener.  I remember eating several of these things in one sitting when I was a kid.  I could never do that now without my blood sugar going through the roof.  I still managed to end the day with eating 1238 calories and having burned a lot through exercise, so everything was manageable.  The issue, though, is that I don't want to travel down that road where one bad choice leads to another.  I've been doing great with my food intake and I want to continue on that positive trend.

Water Challenge Day 84:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

The beach beckons me and 33 miles

I was so excited to get going this morning because I knew that I was going to head out to the beach to get in some exercise.  I was hoping to have a friend go with me, but that didn't work out.  I absolutely love walking at the beach.  I feel so connected to God there, watching the majesty of the waves as they lap the shore.  I have lived in California since I was three years old and grew up on the beach, yet I never tire of it.

Can you blame me for being so excited to go walking?  There were even dolphins out there past the surfers, which is not something we see so close to the shore very often.  Maybe this year I'll actually get a bathing suit and go in the water.  When I was on Optifast and lost a lot of weight, I had a ton of loose skin on my thighs so I resorted to getting a tankini with a skirt.  I found a pretty short one, so it actually wasn't bad at all.  Last year, I didn't even get into a bathing suit.  I know it's because I felt so shameful about the state my body was in after gaining so much weight back.  I also have a huge scar on my back from the surgery to remove cancer (melanoma) and I'm conscious of that, too.  Yet, I really missed being in the water.

This was the last day of Spring Break for me.  As I reflect on everything I did this week, I am proud of myself for not doing what I have done in the past - sitting on my butt and isolating inside my house.  I've rationalized before that I'm on break so I deserve to just sit around and do nothing.  The truth is that I did that because I didn't really have friends to hang out with or because I chose food over everything else.  I remember times when vacation meant I could eat all I wanted all day long because I didn't have to worry about seeing anybody or doing anything I didn't want to do.  Anything to pull me away from being able to eat at my leisure can be classified as "anything I didn't want to do".  It amazes me how many times I passed up participating in life because my addiction to sugar, salt and fat was much more compelling.  That wasn't the case for me this week.  I got together with friends and did a lot of active things.  Over the course of this week, I walked and jogged 33 miles.  Okay, the jogging was just in my house when I wanted to increase my steps, but still!  I am damn proud of myself.  Not only that but my food has been really clean and healthy.  I'm not ashamed for anyone to look at my food diary on MyFitnessPal because I have absolutely nothing to hide.  That's an amazing feeling :-)

Water Challenge Day 80:  178 of 178 ounces 

My backyard, my nemesis

When I bought my house a few years ago in 2010, it was during the time when it seems like everyone was trying to buy.  If you weren't in the market to purchase a home at that time, consider yourself lucky.  I had decided the time was right for me because my rent was going to be $1,500 for a one bedroom apartment, which was absolutely ridiculous.  In California, we do pay through the nose for housing, a lovely sunshine "tax" many call it.  The government was offering $8,500 incentives for buyers so I decided to go for it.  By the way, my house payment is about half that.  Just sayin'.

Trying to buy the house was one of the most awful experiences I've ever had!  I was frequently in bidding wars with investors to a point where some places were going for thousands over the asking price.  I remember putting in an offer of $50,000 over the asking price for a house and I still didn't get it.  The sellers even had the audacity to ask me, since I had the fourth highest bid, how I would come up with the extra cash if the house appraised for under the amount they wanted.  I thought to myself, "If this house doesn't appraise, there's no way in hell I'm giving you cash to make up the difference."  People were greedy and poor little first-time homebuyers got a rude awakening to how awful the experience could be.  I looked at places that were in poor condition or the homeowners were home when we came to check out the home.  We even interrupted a birthday party going on at one home.  We had called ahead and the homeowners told my realtor it was okay to stop by.  Imagine our surprise when we walked in and the music stopped.  They just stared at us as my realtor and I found shoes in the oven, a dripping shower in the only bathroom and bed sheets in the windows.

Suffice it to say, I didn't buy that property!  I got my current place after putting in twenty-two offers.  That's right, twenty-two.  It was a good price, but it's pretty dated inside.  Both the kitchen and bathroom need to be gutted, but for now they're fine.  I've done a lot of work with painting the entire house, replacing all the windows, putting up blinds, changing out light fixtures, working on the electrical and so much more.  The backyard was pretty much dirt and a few sprigs of grass.  It's a small backyard so I was okay with that.  I learned from this experience that you can't get everything you want.  When I watch the little 25-year-old couples on HGTV looking for their first place, I roll my eyes when they want stainless steel and granite everything in their first place while wanting to pay $30,000 below the asking price.  Good luck to you sweethearts!

Today I decided that I really needed to tackle my backyard.  I have neglected it because of the tendinitis and carpel tunnel in my arms.  There are so many weeds that they actually look like plants I've put in.  In time, I'd like to put cement or bricks down over the whole area so that I won't have to deal with the upkeep.  It's not really huge and I've seen some cute ideas that would make it more than just a slab of cement.  The weeds like to come back a lot and I can only handle so much.  Here's what I faced when I went out there.

Yes, those are all weeds.  I went back into the house to arm myself with the right tools to get the job done.  I wasn't fool enough to think I'd do it all today, but at least to get a good dent going would be great.  I made sure to put suntan lotion on since it's easy to get a burn while doing this kind of work.  I did find some great music and so I was enjoying that while snipping away.  At one point, I was bent over quite a bit to get at the roots and really wasn't paying much attention to what I was looking like.  When I have a job to do, I get tunnel-visioned.  I did happen to look down at my chest when I was bent over and noticed my shirt was pretty much open and exposing the girls.  I didn't think anyone was around so it wasn't a big deal ... until I looked up.  Across the way are neighbors and there were a couple of guys looking down at me from the second floor.  That's just great!  Hope you enjoyed the show.

I always forget how much work gardening is.  I didn't even log it into MyFitnessPal today, but I definitely could have.  I don't eat my calories earned back, so it's not a big deal.  Combined with the other exercise I did, that would have brought me over a thousand calories burned.  Hell yeah Kickass Kathy!

For my food today, I had a few protein shakes and made a salad for dinner.  I tried the Premier Protein Strawberries & Cream flavor and it's definitely nowhere near as good as the chocolate.  They are still very tasty, though.  For my salad, I didn't want to do any cooking, so I decided to just use luncheon meat instead of grilling or baking chicken.  Finding a good luncheon meat that does not have an insane amount of sodium is pretty difficult.  Some of them have 600mg or more of sodium.  I've even seen some that top 1,000mg.  I love the one I found at Costco.

This stuff comes in a 2-pack.  It's a little pricey at $11.99, but they last forever and each slice is two ounces instead of the typical one ounce.  Besides, I believe in getting higher quality things that are good for my body.  The reason I titled my blog Now is Finally the Time in the first place is because I am always the last person I take care of.  Other people have always come before me, which is the case for a lot of people, especially in my profession or with family.  Yet, I know that if I don't take care of myself at some point, I won't be around any longer or I will have a poor quality of life.  So, of course I bought that $11.99 package and put it on my yummy salad and not looking back.

In so many ways, I'm learning about self-care as if I'm being introduced to the concept for the first time in my life.  It is perfectly fine to be well and live well.  In fact, it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself.

Water Challenge Day 79:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

A new toy just for me and being honest

I bought myself a new pretty pink toy today.  I'm now officially a part of the Fitbit world!  I decided to just go for it  because I've been jealously eyeing other people who have it.  The calorie burn that MyFitnessPal says I earn when I exercise and the one in MapMyWalk is different and I know this is definitely accurate.  Besides, I've wanted to strive to walk 10,000 steps a day and this is a great way of doing that.

So, when I got home, of course I immediately got it set up.  Once I put it on and wondered if it was working, I was so excited to see the steps starting to add up.  I walked up and down the hallway.  I walked around and around the coffee table.  I played with one of my cats where we chased each other from room to room.  I decided to go throw the trash.  Then I went out again to put recycling in the bin.  I got out the vacuum and went through every room in the house.  When I made a salad for dinner, I grabbed each item one by one so that I could get my in my steps ... spring mix, check - tomato, check - chicken, check - cheese, check.  Tee hee, it's been fun using it for the first time.  I can't wait to see how many miles I walk tomorrow.  Yeah, I'm totally a techno geek and you love me for it!!  For some reason, it isn't syncing up with MyFitnessPal (or vice versa), but I also might be impatient.  I walked for a half an hour at lunch today and that didn't transfer over, neither did my food and water.  Patience is not one of my virtues.

Okay, enough of my nerdiness (for now).  During my last post, I discussed some questions that came up in my last pre-op class that I would ponder and share on here.  They were pretty tough questions requiring me to find a level of honesty that is not always easy to talk about.  Here we go ...

What factors in my current lifestyle contribute most to my obesity?  Since I started the pre-op classes through Kaiser in preparation for the surgery, I have adopted some changes to my eating habits that have served me well.  For example, I am no longer eating sweets, which was a really huge thing to give up on my side.  I'm hardly ever drinking soda any longer.  I have been tracking all of my food to see where my calories, carbs and other numbers are at day to day.  I do know that I am not exercising as much as I would like.  For some reason, I have been avoiding the gym like the plague.  I can't even say why.  I have been doing walking, which is great for me, but I would like to incorporate more regular exercise.  That could include walking or other things that the gym can offer me.  I do know another area that has been concerning me greatly is my blood sugar levels.  I'm either too low or way too high.  I have medication and insulin, yet my numbers defy logic at times and then at other times I know it's totally my fault.  Having blood sugar out of whack I know contributes to obesity.  Because my numbers have been the way they have, I have been avoiding sending the record of them to my doctor.  She has asked me twice for them and I keep putting it off.  I keep telling myself that somehow I'll be able to pull it together and get the numbers down on my own.  Pull what together exactly is beyond me.  I suppose I think I need to come up with the right answers when all she is trying to do is to ensure I'm on track.  And, if I'm not on track, she's there to help me.  I also have been having horrible sleep patterns lately.  I cannot sleep with my CPAP machine, no matter what I do.  It's been completely frustrating and it's resulted in me being exhausted each day.  As a result, I've been skipping using it because I need to have at least some sort of sleep at night.  I do have next week off of work, so I'm hoping I can give it another try.  All of these things can definitely contribute to obesity, although I must say I definitely am putting work in to try to change my habits.

What do I need to do to commit to lifestyle changes that support my health?  I think the best thing I can do is keep doing what I have been doing in terms of incorporating changes that help me build better, healthier habits.  I need to commit on a daily basis that I will take action towards good health, whether that is in the food I eat, the sleep I get or the exercise I do.  Continuing to be honest about both my triumphs and challenges will be equally as important.

What weight do I think is my optimal healthy weight?  Have I ever maintained a weight as an adult that was comfortable and felt good to me?  What felt good about that weight and will I be satisfied to be that weight again?  This is a really tough couple of questions.  What I think is a healthy weight for me might be completely outside reality for my height.  In my mind, I think 150 pounds would be ideal.  A healthy BMI range for me is between 130 (if you can believe that!) and 175 pounds.  I'm almost 5'10" so I have to be realistic.  I know that I will never be a size 4, nor do I want to be that skinny, but I just don't know what's the right range for me.  When I was doing Optifast, I lost 192 pounds and got down to 227 pounds.  At that time, I went from a size 34 to a size 16.  That was the smallest I had ever been yet, even at that weight, I still felt like I had a long way to go to get to an ideal body size.  Oh how I wish I were that size right now!  Hindsight is always 20/20.  At that size, though, I was happy that I could fit into clothes sold at a normal store (versus a larger woman store).  I was able to comfortably fit behind a steering wheel and didn't need a seat belt extension on an airplane.  If I'm being entirely honest, I really don't feel like I would be satisfied at that weight if I were to get there again although I can say that I know I would feel a lot more comfortable compared to where I am now.  I know that body image plays a big part in feeling confident with the woman that looks back at me in the mirror.

What style of eating will fit me best?  I have no clue what will work best for me.  In many ways, I am a blank slate because doing things my way has never worked well.  Sometimes I think that I should eat meals and snacks more frequently and then, at other times, I think I should only be having three meals a day.  There is a part of me that does not want to make any decisions, that I would rather be told what to do ... eat this, don't eat that.  Taking decision-making out of the equation seems like a nice way to approach weight loss.  Yet, I do know that is not realistic at all.  I live in the world where I need to make decisions all the time about my health.  I'm not a child any longer that depends on her parents.  A big reason that I have wanted to pursue weight loss surgery is because my body will tell me when enough is enough.  This is something that I will need to reflect on as a I go through the steps before and after surgery.

Water Challenge Day 71:  Drank 179 of 179 ounces

Telling the difference between head hunger and real hunger

Seriously, what's the deal with head hunger and why is it so cruel?  I feel like I'm starving and, trust me, there is no way I'm starving right now.  I had a very filling dinner with plenty of protein and fiber in my pork and broccoli.  Yet, I have that feeling in my tummy like I need to go into the kitchen and find something to eat.  Then I wonder, is it really my tummy telling me that or my head?

Head/emotional hunger is such a strange phenomenon.  It has the ability to absolutely convince a person they need to go in search of food.  Right now.  Immediately.  No stopping at go and collecting $200 ... just a straight shot.  There are a couple of things I'm doing to combat that.

1. I have been drinking a lot of water or Crystal Light.  The fluids help me to feel fuller and really gauge if there is a rumble in my tummy for nutrients or because I somehow have a brain that says I'm supposed to do that because I've always done that.
2. I'm tracking all of my food using MyFitnessPal.  If you're not using something to track your intake, I would highly suggest that app.  Not only does it keep me accountable, but I have a great circle of friends there that help keep me honest.  Anyone can go in and see what I have eaten, how much I've had to drink and exercise I'm doing (or not doing).   My screen name is MissKathyJean if you would like to find me over there.
3. Coming onto this blog and talking about where I'm at with wanting food.  Part of my transparency includes saying when I'm having these moments.

I know that a lot of behavior modification will have to take place in my life so that I stop going to the old way I have always done things.  The idea that it takes only 21 days to break a habit or start a  new one, at least to me, is completely false.  Sure, in some things that may work just fine.  However, when it comes to food and the desire to eat even when I'm not hungry, I have a feeling this will be a long journey.  In fact, I may never cross the finish line.  From what I can see based on others that have already had their weight loss surgeries, it is something they still continue to battle.  How do I go from wanting food when I'm bored, angry, tired, stressed or any of those emotions that have caused me to go to food in the past?  I dream of being able to have food just for nutrition and not to solve some sort of problem.  Dare to dream, right?

How do you handle head hunger?  If you don't happen to have that problem, congrats!  But for others, do you have strategies that you have used to get through a moment without succumbing?  

Water Challenge Day 67:  Drank 193 of 179 ounces

Pre-op class #9 and weekly weigh-in

Yipee, my staying stagnate streak has ended.  The last couple of weeks I was staying at the same weight, but I dropped three pounds this past week.  I'm happy with that.  Maybe all the extra exercising that I have been doing has helped!  Unfortunately I didn't get exercise in today.  I wasn't able to walk during lunch because of work commitments and the same will be true tomorrow.  I'm promising right here that I'll get some sort of exercise in tomorrow after work, whether at the gym or at home.  I don't want too many days to pass in between.

Last night's pre-op class was about healthy physical activity and building exercise into my life.  I'm glad that I've been exercising consistently because it felt good to be able to say the things I'm already doing.  In going through the material, I was reminded that exercise is not necessarily just going to the gym or going for a walk.  There are ways to get your heart pumping that can be incorporated into daily living, such as taking the stairs instead of an elevator or parking the furthest spot away in a lot instead of the closest spot.  Some really great suggestions from the reading include:

• Leaving sneakers by my front door to remind me to walk
• Bringing a change of clothes to work with me and going straight to the gym afterwards (that is a really good one because once I get home and start to relax, I won't want to go)
• Scheduling exercise into my calendar to remind me to get it done, just like any other appointment

The most important take-away for me is to always remember there is time to exercise.  The commitment level has to be there.  I've been incorporating changes in my life to prepare myself for surgery and my life afterwards, like no longer having sweets and bread.  While it has been challenging, it has felt pretty awesome to know that I can do this.  The same is true for including exercise and more movement in my life.  Sure, I don't necessarily want to do those things at times, but I always feel better when I do get in more physical activity.   

One of the things that has really helped is being actively engaged in MyFitnessPal.  I log in all my food every single day, along with my exercise.  I even have changed the settings so anyone can go on there and check out what food I'm eating.  That keeps me super accountable and very honest.  Sometimes that's not easy.  Today I had picked up some lunch because I didn't make the time to do it at home.  I got very tasty, but not great for me, Chinese food.  I still logged it in.  It's frightening to see how many calories are in Chinese food.  No wonder it tastes so freaking good!  It's not worth it, though.  I don't want to have days like this all the time where I'm worried that I'm going to go over my daily allotment just because of the choice I made at lunch.  Sometimes the hardest thing is to be honest, even with just myself let alone other people.  I'm committed to change, though, so I'll keep moving forward.

Water Challenge Day 57:  Drank 192 of 180 ounces

Feeling proud of myself

I just have to say that I rock.  That sounds pretty egotistic, doesn't it?  There's an actual reason.  Here it is.

This is a report from MyFitnessPal on the exercise I did this week.  These were my lunchtime walks with my co-worker/friend.  We take lunch for an hour, so part of that hour is exercise and the other is eating our lunch.  I didn't get a walk in on Monday, but walked every day except that this week.  Today's walk just about killed me.  We decided to take a different route, one that we haven't taken in a while.  It's got hills in it, which I knew were going to be hard for me since the extra weight makes every hill feel like I'm getting my butt whipped.  This one was no exception.  By the time we got back up the hill and returned to our school, I was huffing and puffing and feeling sweaty.  I don't like that.  I sat in front of my fan in my office and just relaxed while I ate my lunch.  It wasn't until later this evening when I saw this chart summarizing how I've done and I felt a little bit like a bad ass!  I have passed up cupcakes, pie and cookies that were at work this week.  I drank lots of water.  And I laced up my sneakers that I keep in my filing cabinet and went to burn calories off.  It is so fantastic to know I'm doing something great for my health while also alleviating stress at the same time with my friend.

I do have to say that I am feeling good to be ending this week on such a positive note.  I do have plans to exercise both days this weekend, probably a local walk near my house tomorrow and I think a beach walk on Sunday.  It's supposed to be really hot here on then, so go to the beach I say!

Water Challenge Day 54:  Drank  132 of 182 ounces

Pre-op classes #8 and 20, weekly weigh-in

I'm feeling a little frustrated ... two weeks in a row, no weight lost.  Yeah, that blows.  I'm still pushing forward though.  I did take a look at the food I've been eating and I haven't been doing great in getting enough calories in, particularly on the days when I exercise.  To keep myself as honest as possible and making sure I track things every day, I have been opening up my food diary so that anyone can look at it when I log it in through MyFitnessPal (screen name MissKathyJean for anyone that wants to "friend" me over there).  Today, for example, I was so low on my food intake that I noticed it when I had dinner and it forced me to eat a little more.  That's a good thing.  The past couple of days, I have skipped meals.  Although it wasn't intentional, that's not a good move and my body could very well be going into starvation mode so that could be why I've stayed at the same weight.  It's something for me to be honest about and look at a little bit more.

Last night I completed week 8 and week 20 in my pre-op surgery classes.  Week 8 was my normal class, but I also did week 20 because I'm going to miss it coming up in June.  That's the night that we hold our annual Senior Awards Reception at work and, since I'm in charge of it, I thought I better make sure I can be there.  One of my friends at work all but threatened me that if it wasn't possible for me to make up the class that I was to go to the class and let her take over my duties that night.  No discussion or debating was allowed, I was to go no matter what.  That was very sweet because I know what a huge sacrifice that is, but she also didn't want me missing the class.  We can only miss four classes (all of which we have to make up).  I have been absolutely blessed with how supportive my friends and family have been.  Even my dad has really come around.  We just talked on the phone this weekend since he lives in another state and he told me how much he's in support of the surgery.  What a turnaround!  He even told me that he'd like to see me have the sleeve done instead of the bypass because of potential complications and lack of malabsorption issues.  Apparently he's been doing research and even watching surgeries on YouTube.  Got to love my dad ;-)

Anyway, back to the classes.  Week 8 was about nutrition and supplements.  Week 20 was basically us getting into groups and answering questions about what we have learned so far.  It was very evident to me that I've been doing a lot of research since I knew all the answers for that week 20 class yet we haven't covered a lot of it in my regular class yet.  I do have to say that I have been taking this very seriously and educating myself as much as possible on my various options as well as potential side effects and complications.  This last year or two has been incredibly challenging to me.  It was just about a year ago when all of the medical complications reached a boiling point when I was on Optifast that I made the choice to stop the products and began the process of starting to gain weight back.

The weight gain has been rapid and incredibly emotional for me.  Going from 420 pounds down to 228 and then back up to 380ish pounds has broken my heart more than I could ever say.  I don't even know how to convey it into words in a way that could really capture the depth of the emotions that I have gone through.  Looking in the mirror as the weight was coming back on was utterly devastating and painful.  I felt incredibly trapped and broken, as if some entity was taking over my body and I just stood there, letting it invade.  Yet, through all of this on top of everything else that has gone on in my life up to this point, I have realized that I have some sort of inner strength that has given me the power to somehow move mountains.  A lot of people would have given up, but I'm like a dog with a bone ... relentless.  I have a fervent desire to conquer no matter what the obstacles.  My health is much too important for me to give up and give in.  So I'll continue working my best to keep moving forward.  There's a lot of fight left in this girl!!

Now I understand why keeping track of food is so important

When I started the Options program, which is the six months of educational classes before bariatric surgery through Kaiser, I was open to whatever suggestions and "rules" I was going to have to follow.  Basically I was (and still am) willing to do whatever they ask of me because I know it's going to prepare me the best for a different lifestyle after having the surgery.

One of the first things we were told in the classes was that we would have to keep track of all of our food and then show it to our facilitator each week.  I have to admit, I inwardly rolled my eyes and thought to myself, Really?  You're going to make me show you what I'm eating, as if you don't believe me?  Each week when we go to class, we either turn in our written logs or show our app with all of our food, water and exercise documented.  I use the MyFitnessPal app (my screen name is MissKathyJean if you want to follow me there).  I love it because it's super easy to use and I can scan everything using my iPhone.

After doing it for over a month now on a consistent basis, I finally saw why it is so important.  It's one thing to write down the food you are eating or planning to eat but it's quite another to really see it.  Up to now, I had been noticing my daily totals and seeing that I haven't been eating enough.  Today, however, I got a huge jolt when I logged in my lunch.  I wasn't planning today, just sort of opened the fridge to see what might be good.  I decided on some salmon with stir-fry veggies over quinoa.  It was incredibly delicious ... until I logged in my food.  Quinoa - 110 calories for a half cup, 1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil - 120 calories, and a slew of veggies - 40 calories.

Then came the salmon - 340 calories.  Shit!  I had to look at the package again to make sure that scanned correctly.  When my dad was here, he bought this package of salmon from Costco because it was portioned individually, which I thought was a great idea.  I remember logging in my salmon the other day when we had grilled them, but I just did a generic salmon and didn't look up the specific details.  By scanning the actual package, not only was it 340 calories, but I discovered one portion was seven ounces, not the three to four that I would hope to aim for.

I really got to see that this exercise of turning in our food every week is not an effort in futility but really about changing bad habits into good ones.  I think it's very important to stay aware of what goes into my mouth or something I'm considering eating.  It brings to mind a commercial I've been seeing on TV a lot lately from a national pizza chain.  They keep talking about this new cheeseburger pizza that they're now selling.  To me, it's not something that looks even remotely appetizing because all I'm imagining right now is how long I'd have to work out to have just one slice of that stuff.  Out of curiosity, I looked it up online.  For just one slice of their original crust large size pizza, which is apparently 1/8th of the entire thing, it's 410 calories, 22 grams of fat, 950 milligrams of sodium and 38 grams of carbs.  Let's be honest - when is the last time you had 1/8th of a pizza??  It's usually like 2-3 slices, if not more.  I went to the lake today and burned almost 800 calories walking around it several times.  If I would have chosen to have that pizza, that exercise would have burned almost two slices.  Doesn't seem worth it to me.

I completely recognize my awareness is because I'm being forced to document all of my food.  Turns out that's a good thing for me after all.  It all adds up.  I'd be frightened to see how many calories I was ingesting on a binge.  I mean, honestly, if I had eaten a half of the pizza I mentioned above, that would be 1640 calories and that's just half.  That is slap you in the face reality right there.

I'm not done with my water for today, so I'll document how much I had tomorrow at the bottom of the post like usual.  I think I'll do that from now on so I'm not feeling as though I can't post before 11 p.m.

Alright, much better today

I walked into today knowing that I had let go of my mistakes with snacking on junk last night instead of having a real dinner.  Writing about it on here really helped tremendously.  In fact, when I was walking with Sara today, she mentioned that I'm an open book on here.  I have to agree with her.  I pretty much put it all out there.  For me, this is a real journey to let go of the weight and part of that process is dealing with the emotions that come as a result, otherwise I will continue to use food as a crutch.  So I vowed to myself when I started this blog that I would be as transparent as possible.  I'm not as brave as some other people when they post pics of themselves with just underwear on or just a workout bra and exercise pants on because, personally, I think that's going a bit too far beyond my comfort zone.  Writing, though, releases so much and helps me get down to true feelings.

After walking at the lake, I spent some time working on my backyard.  There are these huge trees right over my house and they shed a lot during the winter, so there were leaves galore.  I managed to fill two big trash bags of just leaves, but it felt good to clear a good portion of it.  My back was hurting from doing all that bending.   The big reason I am pursuing weight loss surgery is to feel healthier.  A contributing factor is the pain I feel all over my body, including my bad back.  I know that having less weight to contend with will really help alleviate much, if not all, of the pain I feel in my back.  I do know my limits and had to stop, even though I saw weeds I could attack.  It was enough work back there.

My dinner was a stir fry in extra virgin olive oil of
turkey sausage, carrots and yellow bell
pepper over quinoa.  Yummo!

I did much better with my meals today, having them at regular intervals.  I weighed and measured every single thing that went into my body, which was great because then I knew exactly what I was consuming with no guessing.  Some people really hate weighing and measuring, feeling like they are on some sort of diet and having negative feelings associated with that.  For me, there is a certain sense of freedom that comes with weighing and measuring in a weird sense.  It lets me know that I am having what I'm supposed to be having for my good health.  That doesn't mean I can't have fabulous food, just an appropriate amount of fabulous food. I tracked everything into MyFitnessPal, including my water consumption.  I had 72 ounces of water, which was good, but I'm trying to aim for about 100 ounces or so a day.

One of the things that was alarming, though, was my blood sugar level.  I made a really awful decision early in the day in regards to that.  When I woke up first thing in the morning, my blood sugar was 275.  Gulp.  I knew it was because of what I did the night before.  When it was time to inject my insulin this morning, instead of my usual six units, I increased it to 30 units. I can already hear you wondering what the heck I was doing, that it's an incredibly dangerous and, frankly, stupid thing to do.  Clearly I was wanting to get it down badly.  After I came home from the walk with Sara, I checked my blood sugar again and it was 170.  I was pretty surprised it wasn't in the normal range yet after having walked almost three miles.  Of course I didn't think about the fact that it went down 105 points.  However, by the time I was ready to make my dinner, I felt extremely shaky and was starting to sweat.  I instinctively knew my blood sugar had gone too low.  Diabetics know their bodies and can usually tell if blood sugar levels are too high or too low. I pulled out my meter to test and it showed me at 61.  Shit!  Hmm Kathy Jean, do you think that perhaps injecting 30 units this morning was the smartest move you've ever made??  I stopped what I was doing to have a piece of bread so that I could get my blood sugar up.  I contemplated just waiting until my dinner was ready but I was so shaky that I worried about using a knife to cut my veggies.  Everything is fine now and I feel good.  I usually have two Glyburide pills with my dinner to help control my blood sugar but I decided to forgo them since I was so low.  Note to self:  do not do that again.  Duh.

I was doing good until ...

Today I did a great job at logging my food, got enough water in my system and even logged in my exercise to MyFitnessPal.  It definitely keeps me very accountable.  I am working at really being aware of patterns or being more alert as to when things are difficult so that I can do the best I can to shut all of that down right away instead of letting things fester so that I eat over them.  Emotional eating is horrible because it really seems to come out of absolutely nowhere.

Okay, it wasn't as bad as eating all of this, it just felt like it.

But, how do you handle it when everything is going well and then, when you get home from a busy day, you feel like the cookie monster in the kitchen?  That was me today.  I was planning on coming home from church tonight and was going to make a very sensible, healthy dinner.  That wasn't in the cards for me, though.  Ha ha, I almost said it wasn't in the carbs for me - Freudian slip like no other!  I ate some chips, bread and nibbled on some chocolate.  Obviously that's not good.

I'm trying to figure out why all of that happened.  The best thing I can see, and really it's a good explanation (although not an excuse), is that all of my meals were off today.  I had breakfast at almost 11 a.m. and lunch at 2:30.  I even had to sort of force myself for lunch because I knew that I would not get back home to make dinner until 7ish.  As it turned out, it was closer to 8 p.m.  I was pretty hungry at that point, so I made horrid choices.

Breathe, Kathy, breathe.  Yes, I made choices I wasn't happy with but I don't have to carry them further into the evening or tomorrow.  I'm saying that for myself more than anything else.  I don't want to beat myself up over regrettable choices.  It happened, there's nothing I can do to erase anything, so I pick things up and move on.

Tomorrow I will be seeing Sara to go for a walk in the morning - looking forward to it girl - and then I plan on spending some serious time working on my grad school application.  I have about five weeks until it's due, so I want to work on my personal statement so that I'm not feeling rushed.  It's important to me to do a great job on that since it's something that's very important to me.   Time to wash my hands of my bad eating this evening and continue moving forward.  That's the best I can do.