Can I just have a rewind on my day please?

I had a rough day.  Icky day.  These are the exact times that I realize I needed to have the tool of the surgery because it prevents me from picking up too much food to make myself feel better.

I started out my day at a 7 a.m. appointment at Kaiser.  It was time for me to see my physical medicine doctor to talk about my back and how well it's (not) doing.  I've been having ongoing, chronic back pain for several years now.  If you have some chronic pain, you know what I'm going through.  If you don't, count your blessings!  It's extremely difficult to feel pain every single day but I do.  I have it in my left leg, too.  After seeing a physical therapist and having a year of acupuncture treatments, it just isn't better.  Based on this morning's examination and previous interventions, the doctor determined that its muscular.  While the physical therapy and stimulation therapy takes the edge off, it's not really helping for day to day functioning.  I even explained to the doctor that weight loss isn't helping.  I'm down 120 pounds from my top weight, let alone 57 pounds since the gastric bypass surgery, and I still have the pain in the same intensity.  So she's going to try a compound cream and muscle relaxer, see how I do for 3-4 weeks.  I'm scheduled to see her for follow up the day before Thanksgiving.  At that point we'll see where I'm at.  I almost cried talking to her, just feeling extremely emotional.  I'm frustrated and the pain doesn't help.  I held it together, though.

When I got to work, I got busy with things I needed to do there.  However, two issues have come up in the last couple days that are upsetting.  While I am not going to go into specifics here because some friends from work read this blog, I will say they are staffing issues and I am not taking mistreatment towards me or similar co-workers lying down.  I am confronting people when necessary so that we can discuss issues going on.  In some ways that helped, in others things got worse because the reality of the situation reared it's ugly head.  I almost cried there, too.  I just was so upset that I got very emotional and was inches away from tears.  Yet again, I pulled it together.  Even if nothing is resolved with my confrontations, at least I know I am doing everything I can to take care of myself while still remaining professional.  On top of that, I'm also feeling emotional where work is concerned because I'm going to be starting my graduate program on November 10th.  While it's exciting for me, it's also very bittersweet because it likely means the beginning of the end of my time with my current school district.  They have rules that forbid me to be able to do school counseling (which is what my master's degree is for) in my district, even though I have 25 years with them.  It's very upsetting and incredibly emotional for me.  I'm a product of my district and have worked there since I was 17 years old.

Later in the afternoon, I had to go to the dentist.  I somehow lost part of a filling on the left side of my mouth.  Every time I drink something cold or eat something on that side, I'm in extreme pain.  As I was driving to the dentist's office, I was still feeling emotional from what happened at work and I remember thinking how badly I wanted something to eat.  As a person who has had a lifetime battle with weight, food is my go-to "drug" of choice to numb out.  Some people choose alcohol, I choose sugar and grease.  Instead, though, I focused on what I needed.  The dentist injected nova cane and drilled into my tooth then filled it.  They put headphones on me so I could blast tunes in my ears to prevent me from hearing what was going on.  Trust me, I heard!  At one point, I had my eyes open and smoke was coming out of my mouth.  I can totally see why people avoid going to the dentist.  Afterwards, I was in a lot of pain.  Half my face was numb, including my lips and jaw.  I was still upset about the first doctor's appointment and things that transpired at work and now I was dealing with numbness and pain.

When I got home, my first response was to want food.  I knew, though, it just wasn't going to solve anything.  I mean, truly, when has it ever?  I need to learn how to deal with life without going to food.  Obviously if I'm hungry and need it for nourishment, that's one thing.  In the moment, the last thing I wanted to do was eat something.  Have you ever tried eating or drinking with half your face numb?  I can just imagine the drool!  I did decide to take my contacts out and just go take a nap, even though it was later in the afternoon.  It was the best thing for me in the moment.  I just needed to rest and let my day go.  The only bad part of that is that it's just past midnight right now and I'm wide awake.  Oh well, you can't win them all.

I just need to keep suiting up, showing up and putting one foot in front of the other.  That's the best I can do because, ultimately, God's the one in charge.  I'm so happy it's officially Friday now.  Happy Halloween!

Weekly weigh-in

I'm winding down from a busy but great day.  I lost three pounds this week, making my loss 32 pounds since surgery and an incredible 97 pounds from my highest weight.  Maybe this next week will put me over the top!  That would be awesome.  I know I shared this on my Facebook page and Instagram, so I'm sorry if you're seeing it again, but I wanted to share some side by side photos.  Below left was taken a few months before surgery and the picture on the right was taken today.

A few people commented that I looked younger and happier in my most recent picture.  You know what?  I am happy.  Recovery from this surgery hasn't exactly been the easiest for me, but I absolutely, one hundred percent, do not regret this decision.  I know my journey is just beginning with Katrina (my new pouch), but I already feel a lot better.  Even though I would love to look cute in cute clothes, that is not why I did this surgery.  It was about desiring to have a decent quality of life, to be healthier.  That is what makes me happy.  Now, if I end up feeling more confident and rock the hell out of some jeans, I'll be okay with that, too!

This new life is so weird to navigate at times, I must admit.  I can get so full on just little bits of food.  The more dense the food is, the more full I get on just a little.  The dumping is also something that is difficult to contend with.  I have dumped on tilapia, a thin white fish, twice.  And I have gotten extremely full having imitation crab.  So then I wondered to myself if, in fact, seafood was just not agreeing with me.  Today I bought some salmon to see if maybe a thicker cut would help.  I don't have a bad reaction to shrimp, but I want to expand my possibilities if I can help it at all.  I am so thankful that, yes, Katrina was very happy with salmon.  Here's how little I had to eat when I had it for dinner.

All said and done, that is 1.75 ounces of cooked salmon and a one ounce cup of refried beans.  This is actually on a salad plate, not a regular dinner plate.  I doubt I'll ever be eating with those again!  The more dense fish is a lot more filling than beans.  In fact, that amount of fish made me more full than when I would have an 8 ounce serving back before the surgery.  Who am I kidding?  It probably wasn't even an 8 ounce serving ... it was more likely 12 ounces.  I had so much food before and now my tummy is like a baby.  I'm definitely not complaining, but it's just a different reality for me these days.  When I got the fish, I went to the seafood section in the supermarket and got fresh fish.  I asked the man helping me if I could get roughly one and a half pounds of the salmon.  When I came home and cut it up for meals, it made enough for me to have twelve meals.  That is how tiny Katrina is!

As part of having a healthier life, I am pursuing more treatment on my back because I have been suffering from chronic pain there and in my left leg for quite a few years.  There's a point where you just say enough is enough already.  I'm there now.  So this morning I had an appointment with my physical medicine doctor and then with my physical therapist right afterwards.  The doctor gave me an exam and feels the damage may be weight related and it may also be muscular.  She gave me several cortisone injections in my back.  I'm talking about six or so.  She wanted to cover the entire area that hurt and, to be fair, she did warn me that she was going to do that.  No matter how much you're prepared, though, it still freaking hurts.  She also prescribed a topical cream for me to apply to the area three times a day.  I have to wait for that to come in because it's some sort of compound that they have to special order.  Afterwards, the physical therapist gave me stimulation through a tens unit on my back.  It felt amazing.  So I'll be doing that at home, in addition to exercises to strengthen my back and leg.

As a person who is always taking care of other people, it's sometimes very difficult for me to do things to take care of myself.  Yet, I know it's time to do that.  My health has to be a top priority.  So if that means I need to do more things to care for my body, then that's what I will need to do.  Without even realizing it, I'm doing things throughout the day that fits in the category of self-care.
I logged these miles into my Fitbit today without even realizing how much I was doing.

It's the most I have walked since having the surgery.  And it felt amazing.  I wasn't feeling pain on my sides from my incisions like I have been these last several weeks in recovery.  It just felt nice to be active and know that every action I take towards my health is a win for me.  Like I said, I feel happy and I'm just going to roll with it.

Two months of whatever I want

My end of the school year craziness at work is over and now I'm on summer break for eight weeks.  Hooray!  It was pretty rough for me at the end, but no one really knows the extent of it because I just keep most of it inside.  It's difficult because I'm not one to just "dump" all of my complaints at work.  I mean, yes, I will complain about situations with kids or perhaps other staff to colleagues but generally not when it comes to the intricacies of my work.  The truth is that no one else is there to do it except me.  When I'm absent, no one picks up my work ... it just sits there waiting for me to come back.  We're all really busy anyway, I'm not unique.  I might have more responsibilities than some, but it's not as if we're just twiddling our thumbs.

Since this is my blog and I'm here to write about what's going on with me, I can talk about some things that I haven't necessarily shared with most people.  I am a part of the counseling department at the high school where I work.  I am not a counselor.  My title is Guidance Technician.  In some respects, I have a lot of crossover in duties with the counselors and there are many times when kids come in to see me instead of their counselor.  They have mentioned that they prefer to see me, even though they know I'm not their counselor.  When I can help them, I will but I will also send them to see their counselor when appropriate.  I do that because of liability issues and also, frankly, because I don't get paid what they are paid.  While it is not about the money, it is about a respect level.  I certainly don't want to be taken advantage of just because I know the answers.  I have struggled with my role a lot because while I am part of the department, I feel like a stepchild.  Some comments have been made recently that have made me feel this more than ever.  I am trying to choose my words carefully right now because I know some friends I work with read this blog regularly so I don't want to go into too many details.  We said goodbye to one of our counselors yesterday as she is headed off to a higher position elsewhere in our district and she has been a good friend.  I was incredibly emotional about this, even though I know we will still remain friends.  It's just hard saying goodbye.  While dealing with those issues, I have been in a world of tremendous physical pain.

At the end of the year, I am in charge of our senior awards ceremony and heavily involved in graduation activities.  Standing on my feet for long periods of time, especially when I'm not wearing sneakers, leaves my body in so much pain that I really can't adequately describe.  When you are 200 pounds overweight, your poor body can only take so much.  For me, the last few days have been about a lot of pain in my lower back, the chronic pain in my legs and on in my feet.  By the time graduation was over, I could only spend a few minutes at a graduation party because my legs and back were on fire.  Even now, a few days later, they still hurt.  Of course I would do it all over again because I love our kids and was so proud to see them graduate.  My body just goes through a lot that it really can't take on a day to day basis.  This year I was back down on the field with our graduates, dressed in my cap and gown with the hood on my back in my college colors.

As I was sitting down on the field, I got nervous in the chairs, sure I was about to break the one I was sitting in.  It's irrational thinking because the chairs are sturdy.  Truly, it's based on a fear of have of being in the stadium and I fall on the ground because I've broken my chair.  This irrational fear is the same one I have with heights and thinking that the bridge I may be standing on just can't support my weight so I'm going to fall.  As you can clearly see from my writing, I have a lot of issues around weight.  As I move forward, closer to the time when I will be going in for my bariatric surgery, there is a lot of hopefulness in me about it helping relieve pain.  This is why it has never been a vanity decision for me, not at all.  I frankly want to be in far less pain than I am in now.  It hurts so much being in this body.

Looking at the positives, since I'm off for two months, I can spend a lot of time working on my health leading up to the surgery.  I am not planning on going on any big trips or taking classes during the summer.  I do want to do some work on my house, but also spend time exercising and practicing habits I've learned in my Kaiser pre-op classes to help me be successful with the surgery.  I'm so grateful for having been through the classes because I just feel so much more prepared than the people I know who have not had the benefit of the classes.  I desperately want to be successful with the surgery and I know that if I keep talking about whatever is on my mind and I follow the rules given to me, I will be successful.  I just pray I continue to remember that along the way.

WLS decision made, sleeping after surgery

I'm a planner and always have been.  I don't like to leave too much open to chance when it comes to big decisions.  When I decided to buy my house, I did an incredible amount of research so that I wasn't make horrible choices that I would regret.  I talked with different lenders, looked at how interest rates would affect my bottom line every month and really looked at pros and cons before throwing my hat into the ring.  I have no problem being spontaneous about some things, but major life decisions for me are pretty serious.  So, when I decided that I was going to have weight loss surgery, it was something that I gave incredibly serious consideration.

After weighing pros and cons, doing a ton of research and talking to a lot of people who have already had the various surgeries, I have decided that I will definitely be pursuing the vertical sleeve and not the gastric bypass.  While I am keeping an open mind, it is just my preference at this point.  My body has been through a lot in it's 42 years, particularly in the last several.  Let me see if I can remember it all:

• Cancer that required surgery for two separate sites on my body
• Lost 192 pounds with Optifast and then gained a lot of it back
• Chronic pain syndrome with my legs
• Back pain
• Osteoarthritis in both my knees
• Tendinitis and carpel tunnel issues that required surgery in my right wrist, with continuing problems in both wrists
• Intestinal and digestive issues
• Type 2 diabetes
• Sleep apnea
• High cholesterol

Anyhoo, I'm sure I'm not remembering everything but suffice it to say it's a lot.  While I don't want to put my body through more, I feel that weight loss surgery is necessary for me to have a good quality life.  My attempts in other ways so far have been unsuccessful.  Given my choice between the two surgeries, I want to go with the less invasive one, especially when having to potentially deal with malabsorption issues.  If my surgeon told me he would not support the vertical sleeve and would only perform the gastric bypass on me, then of course I will reconsider.  However, given everything I have seen so far from my insurance company, the choice is really up to me (insurance covers either of these two surgeries). 

There is a certain sense of relief in having made the decision because I at least know what direction I will be going in.  One of the things that has been on my mind a lot lately is the sleeping issues I have.  I have shared a lot on this blog before about my issues with sleeping and the CPAP.  While it's a hit or miss for me right now, I'm continuing to use it.  When I can fall asleep with it, I have a wonderful state of feeling like Sleeping Beauty.  Yet, no matter what I do, I cannot sleep on my back or side with it.  I try and then my body wakes up.  I think it's from the obstruction of my airway in those positions.  I keep trying, though.  My sleep doctor has told me that my pressure is exactly where it should be based on the data from the machine, so he's not sure why I can't sleep in those positions.  

Instead of continuing to stress endlessly about whether or not my inability to sleep on my back or side will prevent me somehow from having the surgery, I decided to pose the question to the Facebook group I'm in for people who have had or are going to have the vertical sleeve.  I have asked the question before to gastric bypass group I was in (with not many responses), so I thought I'd try with sleevers since that is the surgery I will be doing and this particular group seems to be a lot more active.  Here's the feedback I received.

My original post:  I'm in the pre-op classes right now, but I have a question about the surgery.  I'm a tummy sleeper, cannot sleep on my back or side no matter how hard I try.  I do have a CPAP machine and even that is not helping.  So, if you have already had the surgery and sleep on your tummy, how did you manage with the surgery since the incisions are on the stomach?  I won't be able to see my surgeon until after I'm done with the classes so I'd just like to hear from others with the same experiences.  Thanks.

Responses (trying to keep the respondents confidential) ...

• I was sleeping on my stomach the first night.
• Had surgery 3/10 and sleep on my stomach.  The first week was rough but I am fine now.
• It took me about a month.  You will find yourself on your stomach one morning and not even know you did it.
• You just have to.  It sucks.  The first few nights you'll pretty much be out of it so it won't bother you.  But it is hard.  I slept in a recliner for part of the night for nights four and five.
• I had a friend that slept on her tummy in the hospital right after surgery.
• You'll be able to sleep.  I slept on my stomach from week out.
• I am having an easy time on my left side hugging a pillow.  I informed my husband today that we need to go buy me a body pillow.
• I waited about 2 weeks then went back to sleeping on my stomach.
• It took me a week.  I kinda leaned on my stomach.
• I slept in a recliner for the first two weeks, then I eased onto the bed.  I think a lot of it depends on how big you are/were when you have the surgery.  Also, where the doc puts the incisions  and how many you have.
• I slept just fine on my back.  I was really surprised that I could do it.
• I slept in a recliner for a couple of weeks.
• So far adjusting with pillows on my back or side are working for me  I also use a CPAP.
• It was only a week I couldn't sleep on my tummy.
• I also slept in a recliner.
• I slept in a recliner too.
• I didn't sleep in a recliner.  I slept in my bed and after a week or two was back to sleeping on my tummy.
• Slept on my side and hugged a pillow.
• I used a lot of pillows in the bed or slept some in the recliner ... after about a week I could sleep on my side and at about 2 weeks I could sleep on my stomach again ... didn't sleep very well until I could sleep on my stomach again.
• I slept in a recliner with pillow over my belly.
• I was outpatient.  I was home 2 hours after my surgery and slept on my stomach when I got home.  You will be fine.  Don't confine yourself to a chair ... give your bed a shot and try sleeping on your stomach.  It may not bother you ... it didn't bother me.  You will want your bed.  Trust me.
• I'm 4 weeks out and have been able to sleep on my stomach since week 2 ... for the first week it was on my back ... then I went side ... and then I used pillows to help me sleep on my stomach kinda ... and then advanced to my stomach.
• I had surgery wed and am side sleeping already.
• I sleep on my tummy, the first few nights after surgery I slept upright in a recliner though.
• Tried turning myself in recovery to side.  Once in room, turned on side and slept on side/tummy.  Way I normally sleep.  I cannot sleep in a recliner.  Too uncomfortable on back.
• I too am a tummy sleeper but I was SO MUCH more comfortable on my back ... the meds do that to you!  It becomes a challenge of trying to get comfy so I can assure you it will be easy just to sit back with extra pillows in bed and sleep!

I was incredibly grateful to receive such amazing responses.  It made me feel 100 percent better and immediately removed the worry I was having inside about how I would possibly sleep after surgery.  So now I continue to move forward on this.  I'm reading a really huge book that one of my fellow classmates in the Kaiser program lended to me on the sleeve surgery.  It's such a great source of information and helpful tips in how to be successful so I'm taking notes on it.  I'm feeling really good about my decision right now and am staying positive.  I've still got months and months to go before I can have any surgery, but it's good to know where I'm headed.

Day 62 of Water Challenge:  Drank 180 of 180 ounces

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Oh the pain!

Curses ... I should never say how anxious I am to get some good sleep, like last night when I posted on my blog.  I didn't get much sleep at all. I dealt with it, though, aided by some lovely caffeine.  I had the appointment with the rheumatologist this morning.  He's an arthritis specialist who I first went to see when they suspected that I might have rheumatoid arthritis.  Today's appointment was to see how the pain in my legs was going and how I'm managing.  Just to give a little context, I began having significant pain in my legs when I started Optifast a year ago.  Prior to that, I did have osteoarthritis in my left knee from a previous injury, but then I started to develop this immense pain in my upper legs, hips and pelvis.  Just imagine having not exercised for a while and then going to the gym and giving your hardest workout, leaving you with major muscle soreness the next morning.  That's how my legs feel everyday, but the pain never subsides.  The last time I went to see the rheumatologist, he ruled out R.A. and suspected it might be fibromyalgia (which has since been ruled out as well).  He did discover osteoarthritis in my right knee, so now I've got it in both.  He put me on some heavy duty meds in addition to the neurologist putting me on other pain meds.  I have had every test possible to rule things out.  I've seen a physical therapist for the pain and am currently getting acupuncture treatment.  So, the doctor explained that, in addition to the osteoarthritis, I've got myofascial pain syndrome.  Basically what that is is localized chronic pain that comes on sometimes for unexplained reasons.  For some patients, the pain goes away eventually, while others have the experience of it getting worse and the rest just feel the same with no change over time.  My pain is real and it is very uncomfortable, but thankfully it is not another disease.  While it hurts, I still have functioning with limitations.  The best course of action for me is to continue on the pain meds (I am going to talk to my primary care doctor about changing one of the meds because it has made me gain lots of weight) while also building strength in my legs.  He recommends I have some sort of low impact aerobic activity on my legs every day and continue with the exercises the physical therapist gave me to do.  He's also recommending an education class through Kaiser that teaches patients how to manage chronic pain.

Although the news was tough to take, realizing that I'm going to have to remain in pain for the time-being, I also got another reminder that this is why I embarked on my whole weight loss journey in the first place.  I want to feel healthier.  Continuing to take the weight off will help with the joint and muscle pain. I decided that I'm going to splurge on myself and get a personal trainer at the gym to help me with doing the right kind of exercises and working on the right weight machines to help with the pain.  I know there's an expense that comes with that, but I'm worth it.  Damn skippy I'm worth it!  Besides, this is another level of support and self-care that I want.  It's okay to go after what I want, especially when it comes to my health.  It's very hard living in the sort of pain that I do,  so if I can do things that will help bring me some relief, I'm all for that.

Speaking of weight loss, things are going well on the Weight Watcher's front.  With each new day that I'm managing my plan of eating through the program, the more comfortable I am feeling with it.  One of the things that I didn't want to do is treat the weight loss as another diet I'm going on until I'm done.  I want it to be a lifestyle that is sustainable over the long haul.  I don't want to feel obsessed with food, feeling fear around it as though I'm clinging to safety of a life raft.  And I can honestly say I don't feel that way at all on this plan.  I love knowing I can eat healthy without feeling deprived and enjoy the variety of food at the same time.  I've been experimenting with new recipes and doing lots of writing as I go through the success journal that I recently got through their store.  I've even lost a few pounds already since Saturday.  That feels really good, so I'll take it!