Monday, November 26, 2012

Weekly weigh-in

I'm grateful to report that I lost 3 pounds this week.  I'm happy with that, especially given I was away from my regular routine since I had all last week off from work.  I do have to say that today was a bit of a struggle.  I just had these major cravings and I so badly wanted to snack.  When I first started Optifast back in February, the time when I was solely on the shakes seemed so easy in comparison to where I am now after being back from the month or so of having the lean meal added in to my program.  It's almost as if some sort of tiger was awakened because I've had to white-knuckle it through these cravings.  I know there are some emotions behind all of it because obviously if I did just the shakes before, I can and will do it again.

I started thinking today about the things that are going on that leave my emotions on the edge.  After talking with someone at work about it today (hi someone!), I realized there is a lot on my mind right now that could easily be reasons to go back to the comfort of food.  The time spent with my family during Thanksgiving was good, but I did feel isolated and left out of a lot because I wasn't eating food.  It was pretty difficult sitting amongst the gorge-fest, almost like I was a child being punished or ignored by adults.  Then, twice during the week, I saw two guys that could have been dead-ringers for my ex.  One was in a grocery store and the other one was driving a truck directly in front of me yesterday.  When I saw his reflection in his side view mirror, I could swear it was him, but it made no sense whatsoever.  It has been a year since we've been together ... why do I keep freakin thinking about this man that hurt me so badly?  My feelings for him are certainly different and I know that there's no place for him in my life, so it really bothers me that I still think about him.  Grrr.

The other thing that was on my mind today is actually a much bigger issue.  As I continue getting smaller, the fear I feel inside of being a normal body size grows bigger.  What do I fear exactly?  I couldn't begin to tell you because I don't know it myself.  I suppose it's the fear of the unknown.  I have never been a normal body size.  In fact, I'm already smaller now than I have ever been in my life.  As I get closer to a weight that starts with 100, I notice I'm getting anxious.  I want it to be here faster at the same time not wanting to be in a rush.  I just can't wrap my brain around a world where I'm not the biggest one in the room, where I can buy clothes in almost any store, where I feel healthy and not like a circus freak of some sort.  How in the world do I live in a body that feels like a stranger's body to me sometimes?  I guess this is one of those times in life where I just get to put one foot in front of the other and do the next indicated step, whatever that might be.  I know that everything will turn out just the way it is supposed to turn out, as long as I do my part.  I'm just sitting here admitting I'm feeling a little scared and that's got to be okay to admit.  I know it is for you guys, but sometimes for me it feels like I'm not allowed to say I'm scared.  A lot of people seem to put me on some sort of pedestal because of the large amount of weight I've lost.  I know that everyone supports me, but this idea of feeling like I need to be perfect is difficult to deal with.  Of course I don't need to be perfect, it's just what it feels like right now.  I know I'll get through this rough patch.  It's really not even a rough patch in the truest sense ... just a challenge, that's all.


adorkbl said...

Congrats on the loss!

Big Heart said...

That's why you have me! And your someones :) I have the exact same thoughts Kathy. I am glad that you dug around and tried to find out what was driving you to want to snack. Lately Micah's been all out of sorts and I know it's not me but I feel like it could be me since he doesn't get to eat with me like we used to. It's hard to bond when one person is having a shake that can be downed in 1 minute and the other person has a meal.

The left out part sucks but really, we're not left out! We're just not eating the same things so it feels like we're left out.

Anyway, I think I just confused myself there. LOL

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