Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Weekly weigh-in

I am a mix of a lot of emotions tonight as I type this.  To say I am upset and confused is the understatement of the year.  I missed my weekly weigh-in last Monday, so I didn't have my official weight for two weeks.  Tonight I found out that, in that time, I have gained 30 pounds.

Yes, you absolutely read that right.  In just a matter of two weeks, I have gained 30 pounds.  If you'll recall, a couple of doctors had prescribed me with medication to manage the pain associated with osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, tendonitis of the wrist and fatigue that I am experiencing.  Three of the meds had a lovely little side effect of weight gain.  In fact, the neurologist was very clear with me that the pill she was prescribing would cause weight gain.  But I thought to myself, "How much weight gain can we possibly be talking about here?"  One of the other meds that I am taking right now has the potential for weight gain as well, but it should only be temporary.  Thankfully I'm not taking all of the meds right now since the newest pill replaces some of the others.  Regardless, though, I'm dealing with this horrid weight gain and the awful feelings that come with it.

I wondered to myself if I somehow screwed it up by eating the wrong kind of food when I would have my one meal (in addition to the Optifast shakes) each day.  No, that one meal did not consist of a gallon of ice cream, cookies, cakes, pies and the other foods that I wished it had.  I had myself convinced that I was the cause of this weight gain and I had no one to blame but myself.  Even though, as I sat there and thought about it, I have never, ever gained that much weight so quickly simply by eating too much good food.  Good God, 30 damn pounds.  I knew my clothes were feeling more snug and I just had a feeling something wasn't quite right.  In fact, before I even knew what my new weight was, I went into the medical office at the Kaiser clinic that I go to for Optifast and told them I would like to discuss going back on the full-fast.  The reason I had gone to the modified fast with the daily meal was because I was feeling weakness in my legs and lightheadedness, so it was felt that it would be helpful to add in more calories just to ensure nothing was wrong nutritionally.  Since we now know the reasons for the weak feeling in my legs, I wanted to go back to the full fast to increase my weight loss, even though I continue to have the light headedness.

After discussing it with the medical staff, I made the decision to return to the Optifast 70 product line instead of 800, which means that I will just be having those shakes and not including the lean meal.  Since I do exercise at least five days a week as much as possible for about an hour or so, they wanted me to return to taking six shakes instead of the typical five that most patients have.  I have to admit that there was a sense of relief that I was going back to just having the shakes.  Being on the food for just one meal a day for an extended period of time honestly was pretty difficult for me.  The cravings returned and a lot of issues that were centered around food before seemed to come back with a vengeance.  Now, I know this is by no means an escape from the reality of food temptations in life.  What it will do, however, is give me more time to work on those issues in greater detail.  I also need to accept where I am right now and sit in those feelings.  If I had continued on the modified fast, I would be sticking my head in the sand and I don't want to do that to myself.

I must say that I am extremely grateful for the support I had in my class.  It's amazing how negative I was being in convincing myself that I caused this weight gain when everyone else in the class except for brilliant me (extreme sarcasm, just in case you missed it) understood that weight gain does come with medication, especially with the type of medication I am taking.  One of my classmates is studying to be a pharmacist, so he was able to speak on this topic, along with the group's counselor.  It was the end of my second 20-week session so we all went around and gave testimonials about how things have changed for us since being in the program.  Some are going on to maintenance while others are continuing on to the next class starting on Monday.  For me, it will be the third 20-week session, as is the case for some others as well.  As people gave their testimonials, each one of them expressed to me how much of an inspiration I have been and continue to be to them.  If I step out of my own way, even I can see how inspirational my story is.  The things I have overcome to get to this point are too numerous to mention right now, but I definitely feel like the poster child for resilience.

So, while I was very upset with the 30-pound gain, I am thrilled that I am back on the Optifast 70 product exclusively.  I will be checking in with the medical office at the clinic to let them know how I am doing.  And, as all of this sinks in, I will soon be able to forgive myself for immediately blaming the gain on something I think I did, even though that just isn't the case.  It's so much easier to blame other people or other situations rather than dealing with what's right in front of me.  I can honestly say all of this has really shot at my ego.  One of my first thoughts was that I can no longer claim that I have a 190-pound loss from Optifast ... now it has to be a 160-pound loss, at least for the time-being.  That's not to say that the second number is anything to be ashamed of because it sure as hell is not.  Vanity run amok I tell ya!!  As I have done from the very beginning of this journey, I am putting myself out there unreservedly and letting you all know that this is not easy.  I may smile when you see me, but my heart really is heavy right now with this revelation.  However, I will keep moving onward.  I look forward to seeing the next group that begins on Monday and I am especially looking forward to bravely moving into the next chapter.  I know in my heart that I will persevere through this, stronger than ever before.


Melissa said...

Oh, biggest of hugs to you sweetheart. You have done NOTHING wrong. The food did not cause this -- the meds did. As I understand it, you are not taking that one med anymore that caused the weight gain? Give it time and your body will adjust back to the weight loss rhythm. I'm glad to hear you are back on the 70s, particularly given that the cravings were getting a grip on you. You are on your journey and things sometimes happen quickly, sometimes slowly. But you WILL get to goal. I know it! xoxo Melissa

Big Heart said...

Oh shit Kathy, I'm sorry to hear that :( I would've totally threw a negative pity party with lotsa negative thinking too... we're human; that happens. That is obviously NOT a normal weight gain and I'm glad you had your groupmates and other friends help you through it. And to help you realize what is going on. I'm also swearing up a storm on your behalf. You know, just in case you needed the extra sailor mouth.


Kathy said...

This experience definitely was heart-stopping, that's for sure. But I'm a strong person, even when I can't admit that to myself, and so I'm walking through.

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