Started out with the end of the water challenge, but had cancer on my mind

This post was going to start out with how excited I am to have finished my 100-day water challenge.  Here's the post I put on my Facebook page this morning.

Back in January, I got involved in a "Drink Your Water Challenge" thanks to xxx. It was 5 days of drinking half your body weight in ounces of water every day. It was so good for me that I turned it into a 100-day water challenge, which I have now completed. Over these last several months, I have turned a hatred of drinking water into a habit. I'm not perfect every day, but it has been such a major turnaround. In this time, I have hardly had any diet soda, started exercising every day and dropped nearly 30 pounds as of today. Does it all have to do with the water challenge? All I know for sure is that it got me on my way. If you took up the challenge, too, I'd love to hear how you're doing. Now that I'm done, I'll still continue drinking my water because I've now come to love it.

I am so glad to have made this very important change in my life.  It's really helping me now as I lose weight and even more so when the time comes for my weight loss surgery.  Now something else has come up for me that I need to write about.

As I have shared on here before, I had cancer a couple of years ago.  This month marks two years, maybe three, since I was diagnosed with melanoma.  The difficult part with that type of cancer is that many people don't take it as seriously because it's "just" skin cancer.  The first thing most people would ask me when they found I had it was how much time I spent out in the sun when I was a kid.  The problem with that is that melanoma is the deadliest type of skin cancer and happens even when people don't spend a crazy amount of time in the sun.  Of course I felt judged, wondering if I caused this myself.  Melanoma continues to grow and, if not removed in time, it will kill you.  My surgeon was the first one to really help me understand how serious it was.  What appeared like a good-sized mole on the outside was actually embedded far into my body and required a very long and deep incision to remove it. No amount of food I could binge on would ever take that fact away.

Up to that point, I had never had a surgery where I was put under anesthesia, let alone been cut open out of necessity.  The reason I'm bringing this up now was that I was watching a movie called 50/50 tonight.  I think it came out about a year ago with Joseph Gordan-Levitt and Seth Rogan.  It's the story of two friends, the cancer diagnosis of one and walking through the journey towards health together.  It was the first time I had watched a movie about cancer since I had it.  Oh my gosh, it was such an emotional thing to watch.  They did a great job with the movie, but watching it helped me realize all that not only I went through, but also my family and friends.  My mother cried in the waiting room while I was being operated on.  My dad came in from Utah to take care of me while we waited to hear back from the surgeon to find out if it had spread or not.  I had 30 staples in my back and I was in great pain (at the bottom of this post is what my back looks like from the surgery, but I'm warning you before you scroll down just in case scars flip you out).  I had so many friends praying for my healing.

In the middle of all of this was me.

I had moments of sinking to my knees in tears.  I remember taking a shower one day before I had the operation and I just went to the corner in the shower and cried while the water continued to spray on me.  For the most part, I was numb and was going through the motions.  I did what I needed to get done.  It wasn't until I watched this movie and remembered my same moments that paralleled the character that I understood what a blessing it is that I'm still here.  Really, in retrospect, the overeating with food is just stupid.  I didn't have a situation that brought this on necessarily.  It's just that I do have those moments where I see a particular food and I want to eat it.  And for what?  Pardon my language, but I had fucking cancer.  Cancer.  The very idea of going to food to solve some problem is just asinine in comparison.  I'm not minimizing the fight we all have with it, not at all.  It's just the fears I have over not being successful with the surgery because I'm afraid that I'll still overeat is nowhere in the same ballpark as the fear of dying I had with cancer.  I don't have to fear not being successful because I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing.  In those moments of doubts, I can embrace whatever feelings are behind that and know that I can still keep moving forward.  I have such an amazing support system of family and friends, as well as all of you reading this.  I have a great therapist that helps me get to the heart of the fears and, especially, God who is always by my side holding my hand.

Wow, this was a pretty deep post.  I'm so grateful to be cancer-free as I write this.  Below is the picture of my back.  The long scar goes from the bottom of my shoulder blade all the way down to my waist.  The little circle above it was when we did another biopsy because there was a suspicion that it had spread.  I've actually had four such biopsies after having the original surgery.  Not serious my ass!  Okay, enough of my potty mouth for tonight :-)

Shocking to read about food addiction in that magazine

I have a couple of fitness magazine subscriptions that I get every month.  I signed up for them during a time when I got really cheap deals, like $10 for a year.  I was interested in healthier ways of living, exercises to do at home and inspirational stories of transformation.  I'm slowly letting the subscriptions run out because I find myself having less time to read them and after getting them for a few years, it seems like the same types of stories are recycled.

I picked up my latest issue of Shape with Ivanka Trump on the cover and eye-grabbing headlines, such as:

Easy Weight Loss:  See Results in 4 Days
Trimmed and Toned in 23 Minutes
Send Your Sex Drive Soaring

I don't want to bag on Shape, but I did roll my eyes and felt like my decision to let go of the subscription was a good thing.  Maybe those articles are something a lot of people look for, but I guess I have moved on.  I'm more interested in making lifestyle changes that will stay with me over the long haul and not the latest faddish trend that's just more of the same for me.

I was absolutely floored, though, when I stumbled upon an article in their May issue, Could you eat just one?  A sidebar had this lead-in:  "If snacking on cookies, chips, or other treats regularly becomes a binge, some experts might consider you an addict.  Here's what you should know about compulsive eating - and how to maintain a healthy relationship with food."

Wow!  I was intrigued that they were delving into such a deep and searching subject.  Not many people openly talk about food addiction without putting some sort of societal judgement upon the subject.  In fact, the addiction to food is presented as almost a non-issue as compared to drug or alcohol addiction.  Those are much more serious than a little problem with food, at least in the eyes of those that look down on the issue.  The truth is that food addiction is a problem and the fact that most don't consider it to be so only aids in it becoming a bigger problem.  It is really easy to say to someone, "Just push away from the table" or "Why don't you just eat less and exercise more?"  If you have an addiction, how do you do that exactly?  Can you imagine telling an alcoholic, "Just stop drinking alcohol and drink more water."  It's not that simple.

I was really pleased with how deeply the article went into cravings versus addiction and identifying what may be the difference for people.  I certainly identified with the danger of having certain foods in my kitchen because I know I just can't stop with having only a little bit.  For me, a bag of this or a carton of that calls to me until it's all gone.  I'm generally fine when things are out of my house, but not when they are brought in.  It's so fascinating that I can abstain from a certain food group for a long time but still be drawn back like a moth to a flame.

I remember a situation a long time ago that made it clear as day to me that I was addicted to food or could be labeled as a compulsive eater.  I had a situation at my workplace over fifteen years ago in which a student had threatened to commit suicide over the phone with me.  I handled the situation at the time, but I did request the opportunity to participate in refresher crisis intervention training.  A little bit later, a workshop was being held and so I decided to attend.  We talked about a lot of issues in that workshop, but one such area was about addiction and the hold it has over an individual and their loved ones.  We role-played interventions, which was so eye-opening for me.  Our scenario was that we were dealing with a student who was addicted to drugs and were doing an intervention with him.  As this activity was going on, I thought to myself, "My God, this could be me except with food and not drugs."  Then, when we watched the video of an actual intervention in that dark room, tears started to fall down my face as I realized that it not only could be me but it was me.  In that moment, I knew that it was more than just mind over matter.

I applaud Shape for tackling such a difficult subject.  It takes a lot to stand behind such a controversial topic, but they did it justice The best part of the article for me was the ending piece where it talked about a person who had weight loss surgery.  She got to a normal body size but her "mind remained hungry".  As I work my way towards my own surgery in the next few months, I have to remain ever vigilant to doing the work to heal the addictive part of my relationship with food.  I'm so glad I am continuing to seek the advice of my wise therapist and participate in my weekly bariatric classes.  Those things are really aiding in my healing and leading towards a healthier life.

Water Challenge Day 98:  Drank 180 of 178 ounces

Dealing with the heat

Today was another hot day for us down here in San Diego county.  At my house, it was 95 degrees.  Before I left for work this morning, I did adjust the thermostat so the AC would kick on for my kitties during the day.  I know, I know ... don't roll your eyes at me!  They are spoiled and I own that.  It was set to 78 degrees though so it's not like I left the house at 60 degrees all day.  Besides, I love them and want them comfy.  When they came into my life, they were at the Humane Society for fourteen months after someone had abandoned them.  They get the royal treatment.

Instead of walking during lunch, my friend and I decided to just drive to a local restaurant so that we wouldn't be dripping in sweat for the rest of the day.  I must say, I had the most delicious meal.  While it's not always easy to find healthy foods in restaurants, it is possible.  My lunch was from Rubio's, a popular place in southern California with restaurants practically in every community it seems like.  They're actually well known for their fish tacos, but they have other great choices as well as some other not so great choices.  I mean, some of their burritos have about 900 calories and nearly 2,000 mg of sodium.  Um, not for me!  My choice today was a balsamic roasted vegetable salad with chicken.  It had corn, grilled peppers, avocado, a spring mix with butter lettuce, grilled chicken and a very light balsamic vinaigrette.  All for 300 calories.  I know the picture doesn't do it justice ... trust me, you just have to try it.

I'm so thrilled that I can make wise choices that leave me feeling good about what I'm doing instead of punishing myself for picking something fried, slathered in sauce or some other selection that I will regret.  Little by little, these choices help me make a habit of living a healthier lifestyle. I felt so much better physically today as well.  I had a great workout at home in front of my fan and I have to say that I loved that.  Not only was a willing to still get my sweat on even though it was blazing outside but I took care of myself enough to know that I don't have to kill myself in the process.  I would have been absolutely miserable had I done it outside.  I'm so grateful for each new day to take good care of my body.  It deserves the TLC.

Water Challenge Day 96:  Drank 173 of 173 ounces

The pain of excess weight

Today I'm feeling the pounding my body takes for having extra weight on my frame.  I don't like to always complain about this ache or that pain because I don't want to be that person.  I'm sure you all know them ... you ask how they are doing and they actually tell you every bad thing that is going on.  We all have our battles and I know I can vent with friends, but I also don't want to be all about the negative.  On the whole, I try to be a positive mood and I smile a lot for those that know me.  Today, though, I just feel how much damage the weight does to my body.  To be honest, I don't know how I functioned as well as I did when I was at my highest weight of 420 pounds.  I was watching an episode of My 600-Pound Life the other day and there was a man on there that weighed about 750 pounds.  I know in my heart that he must have felt physical pain with every step.

One of the reasons I have opted to pursue weight loss surgery is because I want a better quality of life.  By getting off the weight, I know that it will be such a major improvement for the constant problems I have with my back, as well as the leg and knee issues I have.  Imagine every breath you take or every step being associated with increased pain.  It can bring people to their knees with frustration and depression.  I was reading about a study that said for people with osteoarthritis, every pound they lose will feel like four pounds less stress on the knees.  My poor legs, from my hips down to my feet, have pain all the time.  To be honest, I'm surprised I can do as much cardio as I'm able to do because I do have a lot of pain.  It's such a vicious cycle.  Yet, I'm hanging in there.  I actually had to stop my walking earlier tonight because my body had simply reached its limit.  I was disappointed that I couldn't get in those 10,000 steps but I am doing the best I can.  In fact, I'm much more vocal than I used to be about that.  When I go walking with my friend at lunch and if she's walking too fast, I do ask her to take the pace down just a little bit for me.  I would have been afraid to say something before because I thought I was going to be judged, but pain wins out over ego every single time now.

I wish there was a point in my life that, as the weight and pain was creeping on, I could have stopped overeating.  That's what lets me know that there is more to it than just lack of self control or willpower.  There are many things in my life that I can handle just fine and even excel at if I try my hardest.  When I've tried to do the same thing with food, there's something that just doesn't work the same as it does with other people.  It's really strange that ice cream or a cookie can have that much of a hold over me, but somehow they do. I'll tell you one thing .. I never cared so passionately for broccoli or cabbage as I have longed for a piece of pie.  I can tell myself to just say no or stay away, but seeing those kinds of sweets still pull at me.  I'm not partaking in them today, thank you God, but they still attract me.  I know that, with the surgery, that won't just miraculously disappear.

I know I talk about the surgery a lot.  I completely recognize that.  Thanks for hanging in there through my discoveries about myself through this process.  By undergoing the surgery, there is a huge potential to change my life in ways I have only dreamed about.  In some ways, that terrifies me to the bone.  In other ways, I'm so excited about the endless possibilities.  As I get closer towards the end of my pre-op classes, the surgery becomes more of a reality.  At work today in one of my regular staff meetings, we were talking about some things that will be occurring in August.  I probably won't be there for them because I'll likely be home recovering from the surgery or just coming back to work at that time.  That makes this more real.  Gulp.  Like I said, terrifying and exciting at the same time.

Water Challenge Day 95:  Drank 178 of  173 ounces

Pre-op class #15 and weekly weigh-in

It's funny how different perspective can be, isn't it?  I went to my pre-op class tonight and lost two and a half pounds at the weigh-in.  I was happy about that number, but a little disappointed as well.  I thought to myself, "Hm, only two and a half pounds after how much I killed it this week?"  I thought about everything I did wrong, at least in my head, during the course of these last seven days.  I have been trying to avoid eating bread, rice and some other carb-laden foods, as well as sweets.  For the most part I have done well, but I did have a few things throughout the week that had more carbs than I would have liked.  Yet, when I posted my weight update in MyFitnessPal, I received quite a bit of congrats from friends.  Funny how I was doing the blame-game while they were celebrating the loss.  I have so much to learn from other people.  This weigh-in makes it a loss of 75 pounds from my highest weight and 26 pounds since I started the pre-op Kaiser program.  That is definitely something to celebrate.

Our class tonight was about the post-op diet we will be dealing with after the surgery.  It was a pretty intense conversation.  Many of the things we talked about were things I already knew because of all of the research I've done on my own.  They were things like:

• My stomach will only be able to hold just a few tablespoons of food after the surgery.
• No mixing protein shakes in a blender unless I wait for the bubbles to disappear otherwise it'll create air pockets and gas in my system.
• No drinking a half an hour before, during or after a meal because my tummy will need the space for protein.

The list is much longer, but these were just a few things that I got reminded of during our discussion.  I've read these things before but I guess discussing them as a group and getting a glimpse of reality after the surgery was pretty much in my face.  I shared with others in my group that it feels like a mourning of sorts.  That's hard to explain to others that are not going through this same process, but it's the death of a life that has become familiar, even if it wasn't healthy.  My go-to response for a lot of things in life is to seek comfort or familiarity with food.  Feeling bored?  Go in the kitchen and eat something.  Feeling stressed?  Food makes it better.  Feeling anxious?  Food calms you down.  For me, it will be a whole new way of reacting to life and being present in it.  I'm certainly not complaining because the flip side of that is that I will have far less pain, I will have less ailments and I'll feel overall much healthier.  

When I think about the seriousness of this surgery, it can be a bit overwhelming.  This is, after all, major surgery.  When I had cancer, I had major surgery as well.  There is a scar on my back from the bottom of  my shoulder blade almost down to my waist on the left side of my back.  There is also a scar under my left arm.  The long incision allowed the surgeon to go deep into my body and remove the cancer cells.  The area under my arm was to make sure it didn't spread to other parts of my body.  I had 30 staples in my back.  There was a lot of healing that had to take place.  In the same respect, the vertical sleeve surgery is incredibly serious.  The surgeon will be taking out most of my stomach.  For the rest of my life, I will have to eat and drink differently.  I will have to take care of my body in a way that I never have before.  It's so much more than just watching what I'm eating.  I will still have to do the work.  If I think I'm working hard now with watching what I'm eating and exercising routinely, that will probably be increased tenfold.  I have a healthy respect for this process and I'm seriously not trying to overthink it, but it felt a bit overwhelming in class tonight.  I'm so glad I have a place where I can just write about what I'm going through.  It helps me process everything and be reminded that if God brings me to it, He'll also bring me through it.

Water Challenge Day 93:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces 

Oh goody, we get to go to the beach

When I got up this morning, I just wanted to be lazy.  I mean, don't leave the house, be like a vegetable lazy.  I had texted a friend last night about going walking today and she couldn't go, so it was really enticing to just stay inside today.  We can all have our off days, that's for sure.  Then I remembered that I sort of had one of those days yesterday.  It's a bad habit for me to get into because I have had times in my life where I did hole up in my house for the weekend, avoiding life and going on food binges.  I don't want to be reminded of those times, let alone relive it.

So I pushed myself and got going out to the beach.  That's my favorite place to go walking.  Every time I drive over the hill and see the beach in the horizon, I feel like a little kid inside.  "Oh goody, we get to go to the beach!!"  Walking next to the pounding surf is so relaxing and is a lifter for anyone having a down day.  I wasn't having a down day at all, but I just felt so happy to be there, along with hundreds of others doing the exact same thing.

 

That water looks so good, doesn't it?  I finished the day having done 15,000 steps and feel amazing.  I'm so grateful I took the time today to not be lazy, but get my body moving outdoors at my favorite place in the world.

Water Challenge Day 92:  Drank 144 of 178 ounces

The sun does a body good

I don't know about you, but I'm so glad the weekend is here.  I have had a busy week at work and it's only going to get busier as we move into May.  That's what happens when you work at in the counseling department of a big high school.  As much as the kids count down to the end of the school year, so do we!  One of the projects I'm in charge of for the end of the year is our senior awards ceremony.  Except for emceeing the event and handling the food, I take care of every other aspect.  That means sending out invitations, coordinating all the data for the awards, writing the speech and everything in between.  It's surprising how many little things go into an event.  Thankfully I have three student office assistants assigned to me so I can have them help.  I also have a lot of seniors coming in to talk about alternate plans for next fall since they didn't get into certain colleges or pulling kids in because I need to revoke their work permits due to failing grades and unexcused attendance issues.  It's a stressful time with not enough hours in the day it seems.

The weekend is a time for me when I can avoid thinking about any of that and, instead, focus on me.  I'm not saying that in a selfish way (even though it sounds like it).  What I mean is that my self-care tends to take a backseat a lot of the times.  I try to do the best I can with being healthy, but sometimes it's a real fight to do that or even want to do that.  I asked my friend to go walking with me at lunch today, even though I really didn't want to pull away from the work I was doing.  The fact of the matter was, though, that I needed to get away from my desk and get some fresh air.  So we walked down to a strip mall about a mile from the high school and had lunch outdoors in the sun.  This is the yummy deliciousness I had.

Yes, it was as good as it looks.  It's a Mediterranean chicken salad with greens, tomatoes, couscous and feta cheese.  I was good and asked for the feta cheese to come on the side.  I sprinkled just a tiny bit on it, squirted the lemon on top and it was amazing.  I couldn't eat the whole thing, though.  Trust me, I would have totally done that before but it was just so filling that it was impossible for me to do.  Afterwards, we walked back to the office and I was able to resume my work, feeling refreshed with a bit of sun, two miles walked and a full tummy.  

I don't have plans already set for this weekend, but I do plan on getting in some good exercise.  That probably includes a beach walk and avoiding my annual HOA meeting at home.  I would love to be more supportive, but there is a lot of sitting around waiting for people to show up to have the necessary quarry of owners to move forward.  The unfortunate part is that we sit around for an hour or two, adjourn the meeting when enough don't show up and then reschedule it for a later time.  This happens year after year so I decided two years ago that I wasn't going to just sit around and waste my time.  I'd rather go for a walk than sit around getting mad that more people don't care to show up.  I'm committed to getting in my hour of exercise every day, even on the weekends.  It does make a difference, not only physically but mentally.  I feel so much better when I take good care of my body.

Water Challenge Day 90:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

Staring fear in the face

I had an appointment with my therapist the other day.  We talked a lot about the good things I'm incorporating now into my life that will ultimately help me be successful after I have my surgery, such as writing down all of my food and exercising at least an hour (mostly) every day.  Then she asked me what fears I have around the surgery.  I don't know why she asked that ... perhaps she sensed something.

I thought about it for a moment and knew that it wasn't about the surgery itself.  The center that will be performing the surgery has a great reputation for excellence and the surgeons are tops in their field.  They are bariatric specialists, so I have every confidence in the world that they know what they're doing.  It is a major surgery, that's for sure, and I don't take that fact lightly.  They are going in and taking about 85% of my stomach out and there's a weirdness factor to that.  Yet, I'm okay with the surgery itself.

Where my fear comes up is about failing.  I really don't want to be one of those people that has surgery and then learns to eat around it, going back up in weight to where I was before, if not worse.  That seriously would break my heart.  Having weight loss surgery is a decision most people make because they have tried everything else, so it's a last resort in many ways.  I know that is the case for me.  I have tried many, many methods to lose the weight.  My doctor has seen me go up and down like a roller coaster year after year.  I fear failing because, let's face it, I've done that before many times.

I can say that something feels different this time.  There's an internal switch that has occurred in me that I have never had before, even when I was on Optifast and was so successful in losing weight there.  I have a level of accountability I haven't had in the past.  If you are my friend over at MyFitnessPal, then you know exactly what I have to eat every single day.  I put it all in there because it keeps me honest, more with myself than with anybody else.  Even when I had too much to eat during Easter, by God I logged it all.  I have purposely not chosen certain foods to eat because I knew the calories were high and it just wasn't worth it to me.  And my fabulous little Fitbit keeps my shrinking butt moving.  Except for maybe two or three times, I am exercising at least an hour a day.  My little gadget motivates me to reach my goals.  The competitor in me (a la Kickass Kathy) strikes when friends get ahead of me in steps.  If someone is 2,000 steps ahead of me for the day, then I'll keep going until I have 2,001 so that I can be ahead of them.  It's friendly competition, but I love it.

While I do have a fear of failing at the surgery, I can clearly see that I'm not just sitting on the sidelines worrying about it.  I'm taking action and doing things to help me be successful, even while there's a part of me that wonders how I will do.  I'm choosing to focus on being in a positive place.  That makes a huge difference in life.  I'm finding that the more positive I am, the less loud the voice is that tells me I will fail.  I like that.

Water Challenge Day 89:  Drank 144 of 178 ounces 

Pre-op class #14 and weekly weigh-in

This week's pre-op class was about identifying the choices I make on a daily basis and being able to accept responsibility for outcomes.  I realized how proactive I have been about making small changes since the six-month classes started to help me be as successful as possible when it comes time to have my vertical sleeve done.  Little by little I have been doing more and more very positive things, such as logging in all of my food, getting in regular exercise and starting to practice post-surgery eating behaviors like getting my protein in first.   I don't want to be in a situation where I am scrambling to start adopting certain post-surgical habits.  Instead, I would really like to just focus on healing and making healthy choices for myself.

During the class, a question was posed about some choices I regularly make that I dislike and cause me discomfort and pain.  The two things that came to mind right away for me was having to inject insulin because I am a diabetic and the pain I have in using my CPAP machine.  It really is hard to adequately explain how painful it is to be in a place where I need to inject insulin into my body to live.  It's not the physical pain of the needle so much as it is the emotional pain that surrounds it.  My body does not produce the insulin that naturally occurs in non-diabetics, so I have to put it into my system through a needle in my stomach.  If I don't do that, I could very well die.  There are so many emotions that surround that, running the gamut from frustration to fear.  In the same vain, the CPAP machine causes so many emotions as well.  Prolonged non-usage of the machine could lead to congestive heart failure, among other things.  It causes me emotional pain and physical pain.  I am having a very hard time sleeping with it on my face and the sleep medication I have been prescribed to take to help with that leaves me very groggy and unable to sleep with the machine on my face.

Those two things cause me a lot of distress and bring about a myriad of different emotions.  I pray that after the surgery, these two major issues get resolved.  Only God knows what the outcome will be.  I know things will be better with continued weight loss, it's just a matter of continuing to practice resiliency as I walk through this process.  Speaking of weight loss, I lost four and a half pounds this week.  Wooo hooo!  I am super thrilled with that loss.  That brings me to a loss of over 23 pounds since I started the pre-op program.  While I'm in this phase, the surgeon wants us to strive for a ten percent weight loss prior to surgery.  I have about 14 pounds to go to hit that goal, so that feels really good.  In fact, I'm feeling really good in general about where things are for me right now.  I'm celebrating successes and also facing challenges as they pop up.  A day at a time, that is very manageable.

Water Challenge Day 87:  Drank 178 of 174 ounces

Very interesting Easter and cleansing my body

I am always so moved by Easter.  As a Christian, it is a day of rejoicing and feeling the Spirit alive inside.  I can't have a bad day if I am remaining focused in God's love for me.  Even after what happened today.

My mom has been with me all weekend and, when she came on Good Friday, I asked her if she would come to church with me today.  I was baptized as a Roman Catholic and practiced that faith for a while as a kid, along with other things.  After a certain age, my parents never took us to church but they always said we could go with friends if we liked.  So I went along with friends to Baptist, Catholic and Lutheran churches, as well as even a stint at a Kingdom Hall with Jehovah Witnesses.  There is also a Jewish history in the family not too far back.  If all of this is as confusing as it seems while I'm typing this, you can understand the long road I traveled to find my own faith in a non-denomination Christian church that believes in the Bible.  Asking my mother to come to church with me was a big deal.  She hasn't been inside the walls of a church since I was child.  When she said she would, I was, of course, extremely delighted.  She was incredibly nervous, convinced she wasn't wearing clothes that were appropriate or that the walls would come crumbling down, so I held her hand as we walked in.  It was actually so sweet ... here was a child holding her mother's hand for comfort.

The service was amazing and my mom was really getting into it.  My friend, who goes to church with me every week, was explaining things to her as we went along.  She even picked up a Bible afterwards and said that she would like to go again with us.  I was so happy by that and really felt God's blessing on all of us.  In the parking lot, my friend and I were parked in the same row with my car in front of hers.  She pulled out and left room for me to pull out in front of her, honking at me to let me know it was safe to proceed.  I made sure it was safe to do so since there are always a lot of people walking behind the cars with such a big church.  I was halfway out when - BAM - I got hit by another car.  I drive a SUV and the other driver was in a truck.  So we all pulled back in and got out of our cars.

The man who hit my car came over apologetically and admitted he was in the wrong.  After we all made sure everyone was okay, we started exchanging information.  The funny thing was that I was at peace with what happened.  Clearly the most important thing is that no one is injured.  Never have I experienced a car accident before where the other driver was so quick to admit fault.  I guess, if you're going to get in an accident, the parking lot of a church with people who have just been through Easter services is the place where you'll find forgiveness and peace (although, of course, I don't recommend getting in an accident!).

After I reported what happened to my insurance company, my mom and I proceeded to go out to our destination.  She wanted to go to an Easter buffet so that no one would have to cook.  I agreed to it originally, even though I wasn't too keen on going to a buffet, because she really wanted to go.  Perhaps there was a secret part of me that wanted to go as well because I knew there would be good food.  They do have a great selection with top of the line choices (think lobster, prime rib, etc.), so I knew there would be a lot of choice there.  I filled up one plate, which wasn't horrid, but I did go up for some dessert after that.  Yes, I know I shouldn't have done that.  I haven't been eating sweets, but somewhere in my head I rationalized that, hey, it's Easter and we were just in a car accident after all.  I mean, I deserve it after all of that, right?

I know ... wrong.  Very wrong.

After we left and got home, I felt sick to my stomach.  I had food that I don't normally eat, like lobster, and way too much dessert.  I had two huge cookies and a creme brullee.  I can eat those things out of my house and not have the desire to keep on eating them once I get home as long as the stuff isn't in my house, but oh my gosh did I feel bad.  I started logging everything into MyFitnessPal after my mom left.  I had to do that to keep myself accountable and really honest.  I am committed to doing that, no matter what.  After I logged in everything for my lunch, I ate 947 calories and 70 grams of carbs.  Shit!  It could have been much worse, but it wasn't great.

I beat myself up for a few minutes after I saw what I did, then I knew what I had to do - work it off.  So I burned over 1,000 calories in exercise.  I was dripping in sweat, but it felt so good to cleanse my body and take such good care of it.  As I stood in the shower afterwards, I knew that things have definitely shifted in my life.  Before, when I would have done something like that, it would have been license for me to continue eating, rationalizing that I had already messed up so I could keep on going.  This time I said, nope, work it off.  That is such a major shift in my life.  This was one meal in the course of a great week with my food. It's not the end of the world and I did take care of myself in the end.

Like I said, very interesting Easter.

Water Challenge Day 86:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces 

Being a tourist in your own town

I have lived in San Diego for 39 years, practically all of my life.  Yet, I do know I tend to take it for granted that I live in such a gorgeous county.  I can drive to the beach, desert or mountains all in the same day.  We have so many lovely places to visit that cause tourist to flock to us all the time.  With my mom spending the weekend with me, I woke up today and said, "Let's go to Old Town.  We'll be tourists!"

Old Town San Diego is known as the birthplace of California.  As you can imagine, there is a lot of fantastic history in a city that now has over 3 million people in it.  I have been exploring in Old Town probably five times in my life and my mom has only been there once.  I knew there would be lots of great museums and great walking with fabulous weather and it just didn't disappoint.

We had a great time and got lots of walking in.  What was sad, though, was how critical I was being of myself when I was taking a look at the last picture above.  All I could focus in on was my arms and how much weight I have to lose.  Looking at these pictures now helps me remember that I am working on it and taking action towards having a healthier life.  Weight is coming off and that feels good.  I'm even wearing pants right now that are getting lose on me.  That feels amazing.  I have to remember that in the moment and not to be so mean towards myself with such horrible self-talk.  I will get there, I just need to keep doing the work.  I'm almost 70 pounds down from my highest weight so I need to remember it has been much, much worse.

Water Challenge Day 85:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

I keep learning why it's important to log things

I am one of those people that keeps lists of lists.  I have to keep them otherwise I'll forget half my world.  It especially happens when I have too much on my mind.  That's the same reason I keep everything on my calendar.  If it doesn't tell me where to go and when, I'm in trouble.  In the same vain, writing things down keeps me honest.  If my doctor has to remind me to send her my blood sugar numbers to see if my diabetes is in check, it means that they are out of whack and I'm avoiding checking to see the truth.  If I don't get on the scale, it's because I'm afraid to see the number in between my feet.

Imagine my resistance when I was told at the beginning of the pre-op bariatric classes that I would need to keep a log of all of the food I eat and that I would need to show it to the facilitator every week.  I was resentful, but compliant.  I didn't say anything about how I felt, just did what I was told.  Secretly I hated tracking every single thing I ate.  I mean, how do you track when you make a sandwich?  Let's see.

2 pieces of whole wheat bread
1 slice of cheese
2 slices of turkey breast
1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of mustard
1 piece of lettuce
2 slices of tomatoes

Are you freakin' kidding me?  All of that for one measly sandwich?  Grr, okay.  I did remember I was using MyFitnessPal before, so I could scan the food with a barcode.  It still felt cumbersome, but whatever.  In the beginning, I'd have to catch up on my days that I would have something to show when I had to produce my food log on my phone.  Over time, though, I would log things in as I had them, even after we weren't required to show our food log any longer.  After a while, it became habit and I'm even doing it together with a bunch of people who help me stay more accountable.  Accountability is a big thing for me.  I definitely have to be accountable to myself.  Yet, knowing that other people are going to see what I'm doing is something that helps me stay away from certain foods enough to the point that I'm now doing it on my own because it's what I choose, not for fear that someone else will judge me.

This weekend my mom is staying with me.  She likes taking care of me and making the meals.  It's a sweet thing because it allows her to still be a mom taking care of her child.  I do have to talk to her about making less starchy food because I don't really eat it as much as I used to.  When she came with her belongings today, she brought something I used to have as a child.  My mother is Filipino (I'm Filipino on her side and Hungarian, Norwegian and German on my dad's side for anyone who's curious), so there are certain dishes that are staples in that diet, most of which I just can't eat in any great quantity.  The thing she brought today was a food called Pan De Coco.  It's sweet white bread with a coconut sugary concoction in the middle.

I know it sounds a little weird, but it's really good.  I rationalized in my head that having one wouldn't be bad at all since they are so little.  She only brought two, so she would have one and I would have one.  After I was done with my meal, I logged that piece of bread in along with other things I had.  I realized in that moment, like a slap upside my head, the brilliance of logging in all your food.  That little piece of bread had 349 calories and 61 grams of carbs.

Speechless.

So, seriously, log your food.  If you don't use MyFitnessPal, then use some other method that gives you nutritional values.  It is a major eye-opener.  I remember eating several of these things in one sitting when I was a kid.  I could never do that now without my blood sugar going through the roof.  I still managed to end the day with eating 1238 calories and having burned a lot through exercise, so everything was manageable.  The issue, though, is that I don't want to travel down that road where one bad choice leads to another.  I've been doing great with my food intake and I want to continue on that positive trend.

Water Challenge Day 84:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

Appreciating the little differences and understanding inspiration

Do you ever get the feeling that sometimes you work so hard for something yet never get to see any tangible results?  When it feels like a mountain stands between you and your goal, it can feel overwhelming.  When I was losing a ton of weight through Optifast, it took a loss of a good fifty pounds or so before I could really start to see a difference, at least in how my clothes were fitting me.  When I began that program, I weighed in at a devastating 420 pounds.  With the weight gain after getting off of it, it has been difficult for me to get some proper perspective.  While I didn't gain all the weight back, it was a significant portion but yet my brain had me convinced I was right back where I started.

Now, after being halfway done with the educational classes towards bariatric surgery, I am starting to see both my body and head get it.  I have been exercising every day.  I mean, every single day.  That's not something I did before.  I am tracking absolutely every morsel of food I put in my mouth in MyFitnessPal.  Not only that, but my food diary is viewable so that anyone can look to see what I'm eating.  That takes a lot of humility and a hell of a lot of honesty, but I'm doing it.  I was having an issue with my tummy touching my steering wheel again, meaning that I had gained so much weight back that I had gone back to where I was at in my 420-pound days.  Check out where I am today.

I'm not breathing on the steering wheel!  That rocks the free world.  You can even see looseness in my pants when I stand up.  I loooove that.

What's even better than the small changes happening physically is where I am emotionally with all of it.  Today when I was driving home from work, I really wanted to stop off at the store and get something to eat.  I had plenty of food at home.  I knew in my heart that had I stopped, I would not be buying broccoli or an apple.  I started wondering to myself what could be the possible source of why I wanted to deviate.  I knew that I was hungry and a bit tired.  I just told myself, "Okay, look, just go home.  If you feel the need to go to the store later, than you can make that decision later.  But, right now, you're tired and a little hungry.  So just go home and don't ruin all the good you've been doing."  

That's exactly what I did and, somehow, the feeling went away.  Hmm, so interesting how that happened. I caught myself in the moment because I've been so much more aware of what I've been doing that I could step back and deal with whatever was going on. When I got home and tried to get into my garage, the door only went up halfway so I couldn't get my car in.  However, I was able to focus on that and not on food.  Had I gone to the store and brought something home to eat with having to deal with that, I knew I would choose the food over the garage door.  Food always seems to take the priority in so many situations.  

Lately people have been saying that I inspire them.  Sometimes, in my mind, I go back to when I lost 192 pounds.  That seemed inspirational, not logging in my food, getting at least 10,000 steps a day in with my Fitbit or losing a few pounds each week.  Then I realize that it's not about that gargantuan weight loss from before ... it's about having the courage to get up again and fight.  It's having the strength to say I choose health and life.  Okay my friends, now I get it.  And thank you ;-)

Water Challenge Day 83:  Drank 178 of 176 ounces

Pre-op class #13, weekly weigh-in & lab results

This week's pre-op class about understanding the basics of gastric bypass surgery as well as some great questions to ask the surgeon when it comes time.  Right now, I am choosing to move forward with the vertical sleeve.  However, if my surgeon will only support the bypass, then I will yield to his expertise.  For diabetics, a lot of medical professionals do recommend the bypass because of how many patients come out of the surgery with their symptoms of diabetes in remission.  However, it is not guaranteed and it does happen with the sleeve as well.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not discounting the bypass at all.  I just have a preference for the sleeve due to the lack of malabsportion issues and my insides will not be rerouted.  Besides, anything with less potential complications is something I'd like to do.  The way the program through Kaiser works is that you complete the six months of pre-op classes and then begin meeting with doctors and a psychiatrist before then having the surgery.  Next month I will be going to an information session with one of the surgeons to learn more about the specific process and to receive more paperwork to complete.  It seems like things are actually happening rather than just waiting around for the next step that seems months away.

My weigh-in was good ... I lost three pounds.  I am thrilled to continue losing weight.  I have really kicked up my exercise since I got the Fitbit.  In fact, I just received an e-mail today telling me that I have passed the 50-mile mark.  So I've walked over 50 miles in the 11 days I have had it.  I know I keep going on and on about this lovely little gadget and I'm sorry if you're rolling your eyes at me (I know someone out there is!), but it has really motivated me to get moving.  When I returned to work today, I thought to myself, "I can't sit down - I have places to walk."  Being gone from the office for a week meant I had no choice but to sit and catch up on phone calls and emails but I was able to go for a walk during lunch.  Then, later in the evening, I walked in place in my living room while watching a show.

I did receive some results of blood work I had completed recently.  One of the things was that the bariatric surgery care manager wanted to have my vitamin D level looked at again.  Back in December, my level was out of the normal range so I had to take 50,000 units of vitamin D for a while and then take 2,000 units of vitamin D3 daily after that.  Now my number has moved from a 24 to a 31, with the normal range being 30-100.  While they are glad I'm now normal, the case manager states that it is much more effective if it's in the 50-60 range so now I need to take 3,000 units of vitamin D3 daily.  Of course I will do what they want.  I'm not going to sit in regret about what I "could" or "should" have done.  I'm just going to keep moving forward because that's all I can do with that, or most anything else for that matter.

Water Challenge Day 81:  Drank 187 of 187 ounces

The beach beckons me and 33 miles

I was so excited to get going this morning because I knew that I was going to head out to the beach to get in some exercise.  I was hoping to have a friend go with me, but that didn't work out.  I absolutely love walking at the beach.  I feel so connected to God there, watching the majesty of the waves as they lap the shore.  I have lived in California since I was three years old and grew up on the beach, yet I never tire of it.

Can you blame me for being so excited to go walking?  There were even dolphins out there past the surfers, which is not something we see so close to the shore very often.  Maybe this year I'll actually get a bathing suit and go in the water.  When I was on Optifast and lost a lot of weight, I had a ton of loose skin on my thighs so I resorted to getting a tankini with a skirt.  I found a pretty short one, so it actually wasn't bad at all.  Last year, I didn't even get into a bathing suit.  I know it's because I felt so shameful about the state my body was in after gaining so much weight back.  I also have a huge scar on my back from the surgery to remove cancer (melanoma) and I'm conscious of that, too.  Yet, I really missed being in the water.

This was the last day of Spring Break for me.  As I reflect on everything I did this week, I am proud of myself for not doing what I have done in the past - sitting on my butt and isolating inside my house.  I've rationalized before that I'm on break so I deserve to just sit around and do nothing.  The truth is that I did that because I didn't really have friends to hang out with or because I chose food over everything else.  I remember times when vacation meant I could eat all I wanted all day long because I didn't have to worry about seeing anybody or doing anything I didn't want to do.  Anything to pull me away from being able to eat at my leisure can be classified as "anything I didn't want to do".  It amazes me how many times I passed up participating in life because my addiction to sugar, salt and fat was much more compelling.  That wasn't the case for me this week.  I got together with friends and did a lot of active things.  Over the course of this week, I walked and jogged 33 miles.  Okay, the jogging was just in my house when I wanted to increase my steps, but still!  I am damn proud of myself.  Not only that but my food has been really clean and healthy.  I'm not ashamed for anyone to look at my food diary on MyFitnessPal because I have absolutely nothing to hide.  That's an amazing feeling :-)

Water Challenge Day 80:  178 of 178 ounces 

My backyard, my nemesis

When I bought my house a few years ago in 2010, it was during the time when it seems like everyone was trying to buy.  If you weren't in the market to purchase a home at that time, consider yourself lucky.  I had decided the time was right for me because my rent was going to be $1,500 for a one bedroom apartment, which was absolutely ridiculous.  In California, we do pay through the nose for housing, a lovely sunshine "tax" many call it.  The government was offering $8,500 incentives for buyers so I decided to go for it.  By the way, my house payment is about half that.  Just sayin'.

Trying to buy the house was one of the most awful experiences I've ever had!  I was frequently in bidding wars with investors to a point where some places were going for thousands over the asking price.  I remember putting in an offer of $50,000 over the asking price for a house and I still didn't get it.  The sellers even had the audacity to ask me, since I had the fourth highest bid, how I would come up with the extra cash if the house appraised for under the amount they wanted.  I thought to myself, "If this house doesn't appraise, there's no way in hell I'm giving you cash to make up the difference."  People were greedy and poor little first-time homebuyers got a rude awakening to how awful the experience could be.  I looked at places that were in poor condition or the homeowners were home when we came to check out the home.  We even interrupted a birthday party going on at one home.  We had called ahead and the homeowners told my realtor it was okay to stop by.  Imagine our surprise when we walked in and the music stopped.  They just stared at us as my realtor and I found shoes in the oven, a dripping shower in the only bathroom and bed sheets in the windows.

Suffice it to say, I didn't buy that property!  I got my current place after putting in twenty-two offers.  That's right, twenty-two.  It was a good price, but it's pretty dated inside.  Both the kitchen and bathroom need to be gutted, but for now they're fine.  I've done a lot of work with painting the entire house, replacing all the windows, putting up blinds, changing out light fixtures, working on the electrical and so much more.  The backyard was pretty much dirt and a few sprigs of grass.  It's a small backyard so I was okay with that.  I learned from this experience that you can't get everything you want.  When I watch the little 25-year-old couples on HGTV looking for their first place, I roll my eyes when they want stainless steel and granite everything in their first place while wanting to pay $30,000 below the asking price.  Good luck to you sweethearts!

Today I decided that I really needed to tackle my backyard.  I have neglected it because of the tendinitis and carpel tunnel in my arms.  There are so many weeds that they actually look like plants I've put in.  In time, I'd like to put cement or bricks down over the whole area so that I won't have to deal with the upkeep.  It's not really huge and I've seen some cute ideas that would make it more than just a slab of cement.  The weeds like to come back a lot and I can only handle so much.  Here's what I faced when I went out there.

Yes, those are all weeds.  I went back into the house to arm myself with the right tools to get the job done.  I wasn't fool enough to think I'd do it all today, but at least to get a good dent going would be great.  I made sure to put suntan lotion on since it's easy to get a burn while doing this kind of work.  I did find some great music and so I was enjoying that while snipping away.  At one point, I was bent over quite a bit to get at the roots and really wasn't paying much attention to what I was looking like.  When I have a job to do, I get tunnel-visioned.  I did happen to look down at my chest when I was bent over and noticed my shirt was pretty much open and exposing the girls.  I didn't think anyone was around so it wasn't a big deal ... until I looked up.  Across the way are neighbors and there were a couple of guys looking down at me from the second floor.  That's just great!  Hope you enjoyed the show.

I always forget how much work gardening is.  I didn't even log it into MyFitnessPal today, but I definitely could have.  I don't eat my calories earned back, so it's not a big deal.  Combined with the other exercise I did, that would have brought me over a thousand calories burned.  Hell yeah Kickass Kathy!

For my food today, I had a few protein shakes and made a salad for dinner.  I tried the Premier Protein Strawberries & Cream flavor and it's definitely nowhere near as good as the chocolate.  They are still very tasty, though.  For my salad, I didn't want to do any cooking, so I decided to just use luncheon meat instead of grilling or baking chicken.  Finding a good luncheon meat that does not have an insane amount of sodium is pretty difficult.  Some of them have 600mg or more of sodium.  I've even seen some that top 1,000mg.  I love the one I found at Costco.

This stuff comes in a 2-pack.  It's a little pricey at $11.99, but they last forever and each slice is two ounces instead of the typical one ounce.  Besides, I believe in getting higher quality things that are good for my body.  The reason I titled my blog Now is Finally the Time in the first place is because I am always the last person I take care of.  Other people have always come before me, which is the case for a lot of people, especially in my profession or with family.  Yet, I know that if I don't take care of myself at some point, I won't be around any longer or I will have a poor quality of life.  So, of course I bought that $11.99 package and put it on my yummy salad and not looking back.

In so many ways, I'm learning about self-care as if I'm being introduced to the concept for the first time in my life.  It is perfectly fine to be well and live well.  In fact, it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself.

Water Challenge Day 79:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

Pre-op class #11, weekly weigh-in & the dental hygienist from hell

Among the things that I had scheduled today was an appointment at my dentist's office to get a cleaning.  I also somehow have a chipped tooth, so I knew I was going to be there for awhile today.  I'm not one of those people that hates going to the dentist.  I like the feeling of having a really clean mouth and, except for one time, all of my experiences have been good.

Make that two times ...

My dentist has a thriving practice and she is awesome.  The hygienist that was working on me today, however, was new, at least to me.  I was sort of looking forward to my regular person because he's always been very chatty and is gentle on my mouth.  This one was like evil Nurse Ratched.  She had me laying down on the chair and every time she went to grab a dental instrument, she would hold it in the air, inspect it, turning the blade or hook this way and that and then lower it into my unsuspecting mouth.  Mind you, I'm watching all of this from where I'm trapped.  Then she would scrape and scrape and scrape some more.  It was if she was taking a chisel and chipping away at imaginary icicles in my mouth.  Several times I had to raise my hand to ask her to be a bit more gentle.  She sang while she worked, yet I had no idea what it was - something incoherent and evil I think.  Oh, and the absolute worst, she would let too much fluid build up in my mouth before she sucked it out with that straw thingy.  Ewwww!

Bleh.  On to my class and weigh-in.  For this week, I lost a pound.  I was disappointed with it.  Two is a low number to me, so one was almost as if I gained.  I have to keep remembering that this is no race to the finish line and I'm doing everything I am supposed to be doing in terms of what I'm eating.  I do need to kick up my exercise though.  I just don't think I'm getting enough in.  I asked my friend if we could start walking again at lunch starting tomorrow.  We were both excited about that until we found it it's going to rain tomorrow and Wednesday.  Boo.  I do have a gym membership so there's nothing that's preventing me from staying away from a workout indoors.

This week's class was about assessing my new relationship with food since starting the bariatric pre-op classes 11 weeks ago.  Some of the questions I need to ponder this week include:

• What factors in my current lifestyle contribute most to my obesity?
• What do I need to do to commit to lifestyle changes that support my health?
• What weight do I think is my optimal healthy weight?  Have I ever maintained a weight as an adult that was comfortable and felt good to me?  What felt good about that weight and will I be satisfied to be that weight again?
• What style of eating will fit me best?

There were more questions, but those are the ones that jumped out at me the most.  One of the things that amazes me about these classes is that we're not just skimming over surface-level topics.  We are really diving in to the heart of what has brought us to seek bariatric surgery in the first place.  I appreciate that because I want to go deep with all of this, even when it's difficult to face the answers to the questions.

In a discussion with our facilitator, we addressed a concern I had, which was, "What if I don't lose the 10% weight loss that Kaiser wants prior to having the surgery?"  Our facilitator assured me, and my classmates, that people who do not meet the 10% loss will need to see the doctor in charge of the program at Kaiser to review where we're at.  Essentially, all patients move forward to the bariatric center that will be performing the surgery, but the surgeons at that center may request additional weight loss before surgery can occur if they deem it necessary.  The best I can do is try my hardest to reach my goal of losing 37 pounds before finishing this part of the program.  I'm almost halfway there already, so that feels good.  Once we're done with the classes, we will then go for a fitness test and lab work before everything is forwarded to the Pacific Bariatric center.  Then, they will contact us to schedule three appointments on the same day - meeting with a psychologist, internist and then with the surgeon.  During the meeting with the surgeon, we'll then book the surgery date.  The end of the classes is several months away, but we're almost halfway done and I know the time will go even faster as we get closer to summer.

This week I'm going to work on the questions I mentioned above and then I think I'll post them on here.  That keeps me honest.

Water Challenge Day 68:  Drank 179 of 179 ounces

Telling the difference between head hunger and real hunger

Seriously, what's the deal with head hunger and why is it so cruel?  I feel like I'm starving and, trust me, there is no way I'm starving right now.  I had a very filling dinner with plenty of protein and fiber in my pork and broccoli.  Yet, I have that feeling in my tummy like I need to go into the kitchen and find something to eat.  Then I wonder, is it really my tummy telling me that or my head?

Head/emotional hunger is such a strange phenomenon.  It has the ability to absolutely convince a person they need to go in search of food.  Right now.  Immediately.  No stopping at go and collecting $200 ... just a straight shot.  There are a couple of things I'm doing to combat that.

1. I have been drinking a lot of water or Crystal Light.  The fluids help me to feel fuller and really gauge if there is a rumble in my tummy for nutrients or because I somehow have a brain that says I'm supposed to do that because I've always done that.
2. I'm tracking all of my food using MyFitnessPal.  If you're not using something to track your intake, I would highly suggest that app.  Not only does it keep me accountable, but I have a great circle of friends there that help keep me honest.  Anyone can go in and see what I have eaten, how much I've had to drink and exercise I'm doing (or not doing).   My screen name is MissKathyJean if you would like to find me over there.
3. Coming onto this blog and talking about where I'm at with wanting food.  Part of my transparency includes saying when I'm having these moments.

I know that a lot of behavior modification will have to take place in my life so that I stop going to the old way I have always done things.  The idea that it takes only 21 days to break a habit or start a  new one, at least to me, is completely false.  Sure, in some things that may work just fine.  However, when it comes to food and the desire to eat even when I'm not hungry, I have a feeling this will be a long journey.  In fact, I may never cross the finish line.  From what I can see based on others that have already had their weight loss surgeries, it is something they still continue to battle.  How do I go from wanting food when I'm bored, angry, tired, stressed or any of those emotions that have caused me to go to food in the past?  I dream of being able to have food just for nutrition and not to solve some sort of problem.  Dare to dream, right?

How do you handle head hunger?  If you don't happen to have that problem, congrats!  But for others, do you have strategies that you have used to get through a moment without succumbing?  

Water Challenge Day 67:  Drank 193 of 179 ounces

Finding Kickass Kathy to get rid of the funk

Yesterday I was in a terrible funk.  There were two things on my mind that just brought me down.

First, I received some pretty bad news about my graduate program the day before and it just carried over into yesterday.  The program that I'm planning on starting in the fall, hopefully after my surgery, is a master's in education program leading towards a credential to do counseling at the high school or college levels.  I currently work in the counseling department of a high school, but not as a counselor.  My official role is as a guidance technician.  I do a lot of the same work, I just don't handle certain things and, of course, do not receive near the same pay.  I had decided, though, that it was the next thing I wanted to do.  I believe so strongly in continuing to learn and grow in my profession.  The program itself is actually not the problem.  It's the interning part that is.  My district has a rule that you must intern three full days a week and take a cut in pay to do so.  I don't necessarily have to intern in my district, it would just be easier.  However, I figured that if I could somehow swing going part-time and maybe live on loans for a few months, then that's the sacrifice I would have to make.  I work for an excellent district, one of the top ranked districts in California.  I happened to talk to a person who is in my job at another high school in my district and she is doing the same sort of program.  In talking to her about it, she shared with me that not only did she have to go to 40% of her full-time contract, but, by doing so, she lost her benefits.  I was not prepared for that, not at all.

I have to give some back story on this.  I have worked for my district since I was seventeen years old.  I have worked my way up through entry level work to where I am now.  Prior to working at my current high school, I was located at the district office.  I have now been at the high school, in the counseling department for the last nine years.  Trust me, I am very close to our counselors and am a big part of the team that is the counseling department.  I couldn't be any closer to being an official counselor than I am now.  I answer many of the same questions and help many of the same students.  This is not to minimize the job of a counselor at all.  It is a very difficult profession, requiring a person to have a tremendous knowledge base and certain level of intellect.  People who do not work in the field might think a counselor's job is very easy but I can attest to the fact that it really is not a cakewalk.  In fact, I would say it's opposite.  Many students do come to me for counseling advice and guidance, along with my regular job duties that deal with college and career related issues.  I have the same knowledge base as well as, I hope, that certain level of intellect.  I am very respectful of the different roles and will send a child to their counselor when appropriate.  Yet, my goal has been to study more to meet the requirements for someday being hired as a counselor.  Now that my district insists on the three full days of interning (rationalizing that it is impossible to experience everything a counselor does on a part-time basis), it is no longer an option for me.  I can somehow swallow the idea of going very part-time, but I cannot give up my benefits.  Good Lord, I have diabetes and am about to go into major surgery.  I can't toy with losing my insurance.  Granted, the internship is not until next year but I can't go into a program and take out more student loans if it's not going to work out.  At this point, I have contacted the director of my master's program to see if I have other options, such as interning in another district.  The news was a blow to me, though.  More than being angry, my heart was just broken.  This is something I want so badly and I pray it will work out.

The second issue that was difficult yesterday was that I just felt tremendously lonely.  I am not in a relationship right now and haven't been for the last two years.  I was deeply in love with my ex-boyfriend and he ended up hurting me in a way that I can't even describe in words.  It wasn't physical abuse and it wasn't another woman, but it hurt far worse.  We were together off and on for years.  I met him, first as a friend, when I was 25 years old and now I'm 42, so it's a good chunk of time that I knew this man.  It took quite a bit of time to get over the hurt and to realize he was a real bastard for what he did to me.  Maybe someday I'll tell the story of all that, but suffice it to say that I had a hard time even breathing when it happened.  I just was shattered.  Lately I've been having these really vivid dreams of meeting someone else.  Actually, not just one person but a series of people.  Then, when I wake up, I remember that I'm all alone.  I feel like an ugly duckling so often and wonder if there will ever be someone else in my life again.  When I look in the mirror, I just don't see what other people see.  Some have called me pretty and beautiful, but I just don't see it.  All I can focus on is being overweight.  Most of the people in my life have a significant other except maybe one or two of my girlfriends.  It makes sense that I would question myself if most everyone else is with someone else and I'm not.  It really got to me yesterday.  Nothing happened necessarily, just that I guess it was a culmination of many Friday nights feeling all alone.  We ended up having an earthquake nearby and I was reading on my couch when it happened.  And, when it was over, I was all alone.  I think I'm a good person on the whole, but I just wonder if God has decided I will be one of those people who He deems to be single for a purpose.  It's really difficult for me.  I do not like being alone.  In fact, if I'm being really honest, I hate it.

With all of this said, I went to bed last night mighty feeling sorry for myself.  When I woke up this morning, I walked down the hallway to the living room where I was greeted with the sun shining in through the windows as I opened the blinds.  It hit me that this was a new day and I needed to let the sadness of yesterday go.  What better way for me to do that than to go out for a walk.  I had a really fantastic breakfast to get my energy ready and knew I needed to be out there in the sunshine.  More than that, I wanted it.  I needed to find Kickass Kathy.

Me trying to give a tough face before exercising ;-)

So I got out my earbuds, threw my iPhone onto my hip and started to stretch for a long walk.  My intention was to go on my usual route around my house, but go a longer way.  So I started to stroll down the road only to spot two really big stray dogs in the distance.  I didn't see an owner around and they looked a little too much for me, so I hightailed it in the other direction.  I went a way I have never gone before and walked against traffic.  In the part of town I was in, that's what I needed to do.  There are great areas were I live and some equally not so great areas.  It was actually a good thing for the chronic pain I have in my leg because, even though I still had pain, I did not have to deal with a lot of hills, which seems to hurt so much more.  I noticed the pain start in my hip and radiate down to my knee.  While it still hurt a lot, it was something I could manage.

So above is the route I took. It ended up being 3.45 miles, which was a 1118 calorie burn for me because of my current weight.  What I thought was really great was seeing different people on the walk and really checking out some of the businesses that are located near me but I never really notice because I'm too busy trying to pay attention to the road when I'm driving.  When I got back home, I was definitely glad the walk was over but I was also very proud of myself for going such a long distance, even with the pain in my leg, and not giving up.  I sat down, drank some water and stood in the moment.  The funk that I felt yesterday was completely gone and I was incredibly grateful for that.  I pray for continued strength to deal with the difficult days as well as rejoicing with the good ones.

Water Challenge Day 66:  Drank 48 of 179 ounces
(horrible, but I more than met it for today)

WLS decision made, sleeping after surgery

I'm a planner and always have been.  I don't like to leave too much open to chance when it comes to big decisions.  When I decided to buy my house, I did an incredible amount of research so that I wasn't make horrible choices that I would regret.  I talked with different lenders, looked at how interest rates would affect my bottom line every month and really looked at pros and cons before throwing my hat into the ring.  I have no problem being spontaneous about some things, but major life decisions for me are pretty serious.  So, when I decided that I was going to have weight loss surgery, it was something that I gave incredibly serious consideration.

After weighing pros and cons, doing a ton of research and talking to a lot of people who have already had the various surgeries, I have decided that I will definitely be pursuing the vertical sleeve and not the gastric bypass.  While I am keeping an open mind, it is just my preference at this point.  My body has been through a lot in it's 42 years, particularly in the last several.  Let me see if I can remember it all:

• Cancer that required surgery for two separate sites on my body
• Lost 192 pounds with Optifast and then gained a lot of it back
• Chronic pain syndrome with my legs
• Back pain
• Osteoarthritis in both my knees
• Tendinitis and carpel tunnel issues that required surgery in my right wrist, with continuing problems in both wrists
• Intestinal and digestive issues
• Type 2 diabetes
• Sleep apnea
• High cholesterol

Anyhoo, I'm sure I'm not remembering everything but suffice it to say it's a lot.  While I don't want to put my body through more, I feel that weight loss surgery is necessary for me to have a good quality life.  My attempts in other ways so far have been unsuccessful.  Given my choice between the two surgeries, I want to go with the less invasive one, especially when having to potentially deal with malabsorption issues.  If my surgeon told me he would not support the vertical sleeve and would only perform the gastric bypass on me, then of course I will reconsider.  However, given everything I have seen so far from my insurance company, the choice is really up to me (insurance covers either of these two surgeries). 

There is a certain sense of relief in having made the decision because I at least know what direction I will be going in.  One of the things that has been on my mind a lot lately is the sleeping issues I have.  I have shared a lot on this blog before about my issues with sleeping and the CPAP.  While it's a hit or miss for me right now, I'm continuing to use it.  When I can fall asleep with it, I have a wonderful state of feeling like Sleeping Beauty.  Yet, no matter what I do, I cannot sleep on my back or side with it.  I try and then my body wakes up.  I think it's from the obstruction of my airway in those positions.  I keep trying, though.  My sleep doctor has told me that my pressure is exactly where it should be based on the data from the machine, so he's not sure why I can't sleep in those positions.  

Instead of continuing to stress endlessly about whether or not my inability to sleep on my back or side will prevent me somehow from having the surgery, I decided to pose the question to the Facebook group I'm in for people who have had or are going to have the vertical sleeve.  I have asked the question before to gastric bypass group I was in (with not many responses), so I thought I'd try with sleevers since that is the surgery I will be doing and this particular group seems to be a lot more active.  Here's the feedback I received.

My original post:  I'm in the pre-op classes right now, but I have a question about the surgery.  I'm a tummy sleeper, cannot sleep on my back or side no matter how hard I try.  I do have a CPAP machine and even that is not helping.  So, if you have already had the surgery and sleep on your tummy, how did you manage with the surgery since the incisions are on the stomach?  I won't be able to see my surgeon until after I'm done with the classes so I'd just like to hear from others with the same experiences.  Thanks.

Responses (trying to keep the respondents confidential) ...

• I was sleeping on my stomach the first night.
• Had surgery 3/10 and sleep on my stomach.  The first week was rough but I am fine now.
• It took me about a month.  You will find yourself on your stomach one morning and not even know you did it.
• You just have to.  It sucks.  The first few nights you'll pretty much be out of it so it won't bother you.  But it is hard.  I slept in a recliner for part of the night for nights four and five.
• I had a friend that slept on her tummy in the hospital right after surgery.
• You'll be able to sleep.  I slept on my stomach from week out.
• I am having an easy time on my left side hugging a pillow.  I informed my husband today that we need to go buy me a body pillow.
• I waited about 2 weeks then went back to sleeping on my stomach.
• It took me a week.  I kinda leaned on my stomach.
• I slept in a recliner for the first two weeks, then I eased onto the bed.  I think a lot of it depends on how big you are/were when you have the surgery.  Also, where the doc puts the incisions  and how many you have.
• I slept just fine on my back.  I was really surprised that I could do it.
• I slept in a recliner for a couple of weeks.
• So far adjusting with pillows on my back or side are working for me  I also use a CPAP.
• It was only a week I couldn't sleep on my tummy.
• I also slept in a recliner.
• I slept in a recliner too.
• I didn't sleep in a recliner.  I slept in my bed and after a week or two was back to sleeping on my tummy.
• Slept on my side and hugged a pillow.
• I used a lot of pillows in the bed or slept some in the recliner ... after about a week I could sleep on my side and at about 2 weeks I could sleep on my stomach again ... didn't sleep very well until I could sleep on my stomach again.
• I slept in a recliner with pillow over my belly.
• I was outpatient.  I was home 2 hours after my surgery and slept on my stomach when I got home.  You will be fine.  Don't confine yourself to a chair ... give your bed a shot and try sleeping on your stomach.  It may not bother you ... it didn't bother me.  You will want your bed.  Trust me.
• I'm 4 weeks out and have been able to sleep on my stomach since week 2 ... for the first week it was on my back ... then I went side ... and then I used pillows to help me sleep on my stomach kinda ... and then advanced to my stomach.
• I had surgery wed and am side sleeping already.
• I sleep on my tummy, the first few nights after surgery I slept upright in a recliner though.
• Tried turning myself in recovery to side.  Once in room, turned on side and slept on side/tummy.  Way I normally sleep.  I cannot sleep in a recliner.  Too uncomfortable on back.
• I too am a tummy sleeper but I was SO MUCH more comfortable on my back ... the meds do that to you!  It becomes a challenge of trying to get comfy so I can assure you it will be easy just to sit back with extra pillows in bed and sleep!

I was incredibly grateful to receive such amazing responses.  It made me feel 100 percent better and immediately removed the worry I was having inside about how I would possibly sleep after surgery.  So now I continue to move forward on this.  I'm reading a really huge book that one of my fellow classmates in the Kaiser program lended to me on the sleeve surgery.  It's such a great source of information and helpful tips in how to be successful so I'm taking notes on it.  I'm feeling really good about my decision right now and am staying positive.  I've still got months and months to go before I can have any surgery, but it's good to know where I'm headed.

Day 62 of Water Challenge:  Drank 180 of 180 ounces

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