Can I just have a rewind on my day please?

I had a rough day.  Icky day.  These are the exact times that I realize I needed to have the tool of the surgery because it prevents me from picking up too much food to make myself feel better.

I started out my day at a 7 a.m. appointment at Kaiser.  It was time for me to see my physical medicine doctor to talk about my back and how well it's (not) doing.  I've been having ongoing, chronic back pain for several years now.  If you have some chronic pain, you know what I'm going through.  If you don't, count your blessings!  It's extremely difficult to feel pain every single day but I do.  I have it in my left leg, too.  After seeing a physical therapist and having a year of acupuncture treatments, it just isn't better.  Based on this morning's examination and previous interventions, the doctor determined that its muscular.  While the physical therapy and stimulation therapy takes the edge off, it's not really helping for day to day functioning.  I even explained to the doctor that weight loss isn't helping.  I'm down 120 pounds from my top weight, let alone 57 pounds since the gastric bypass surgery, and I still have the pain in the same intensity.  So she's going to try a compound cream and muscle relaxer, see how I do for 3-4 weeks.  I'm scheduled to see her for follow up the day before Thanksgiving.  At that point we'll see where I'm at.  I almost cried talking to her, just feeling extremely emotional.  I'm frustrated and the pain doesn't help.  I held it together, though.

When I got to work, I got busy with things I needed to do there.  However, two issues have come up in the last couple days that are upsetting.  While I am not going to go into specifics here because some friends from work read this blog, I will say they are staffing issues and I am not taking mistreatment towards me or similar co-workers lying down.  I am confronting people when necessary so that we can discuss issues going on.  In some ways that helped, in others things got worse because the reality of the situation reared it's ugly head.  I almost cried there, too.  I just was so upset that I got very emotional and was inches away from tears.  Yet again, I pulled it together.  Even if nothing is resolved with my confrontations, at least I know I am doing everything I can to take care of myself while still remaining professional.  On top of that, I'm also feeling emotional where work is concerned because I'm going to be starting my graduate program on November 10th.  While it's exciting for me, it's also very bittersweet because it likely means the beginning of the end of my time with my current school district.  They have rules that forbid me to be able to do school counseling (which is what my master's degree is for) in my district, even though I have 25 years with them.  It's very upsetting and incredibly emotional for me.  I'm a product of my district and have worked there since I was 17 years old.

Later in the afternoon, I had to go to the dentist.  I somehow lost part of a filling on the left side of my mouth.  Every time I drink something cold or eat something on that side, I'm in extreme pain.  As I was driving to the dentist's office, I was still feeling emotional from what happened at work and I remember thinking how badly I wanted something to eat.  As a person who has had a lifetime battle with weight, food is my go-to "drug" of choice to numb out.  Some people choose alcohol, I choose sugar and grease.  Instead, though, I focused on what I needed.  The dentist injected nova cane and drilled into my tooth then filled it.  They put headphones on me so I could blast tunes in my ears to prevent me from hearing what was going on.  Trust me, I heard!  At one point, I had my eyes open and smoke was coming out of my mouth.  I can totally see why people avoid going to the dentist.  Afterwards, I was in a lot of pain.  Half my face was numb, including my lips and jaw.  I was still upset about the first doctor's appointment and things that transpired at work and now I was dealing with numbness and pain.

When I got home, my first response was to want food.  I knew, though, it just wasn't going to solve anything.  I mean, truly, when has it ever?  I need to learn how to deal with life without going to food.  Obviously if I'm hungry and need it for nourishment, that's one thing.  In the moment, the last thing I wanted to do was eat something.  Have you ever tried eating or drinking with half your face numb?  I can just imagine the drool!  I did decide to take my contacts out and just go take a nap, even though it was later in the afternoon.  It was the best thing for me in the moment.  I just needed to rest and let my day go.  The only bad part of that is that it's just past midnight right now and I'm wide awake.  Oh well, you can't win them all.

I just need to keep suiting up, showing up and putting one foot in front of the other.  That's the best I can do because, ultimately, God's the one in charge.  I'm so happy it's officially Friday now.  Happy Halloween!

Telling the difference between head hunger and real hunger

Seriously, what's the deal with head hunger and why is it so cruel?  I feel like I'm starving and, trust me, there is no way I'm starving right now.  I had a very filling dinner with plenty of protein and fiber in my pork and broccoli.  Yet, I have that feeling in my tummy like I need to go into the kitchen and find something to eat.  Then I wonder, is it really my tummy telling me that or my head?

Head/emotional hunger is such a strange phenomenon.  It has the ability to absolutely convince a person they need to go in search of food.  Right now.  Immediately.  No stopping at go and collecting $200 ... just a straight shot.  There are a couple of things I'm doing to combat that.

1. I have been drinking a lot of water or Crystal Light.  The fluids help me to feel fuller and really gauge if there is a rumble in my tummy for nutrients or because I somehow have a brain that says I'm supposed to do that because I've always done that.
2. I'm tracking all of my food using MyFitnessPal.  If you're not using something to track your intake, I would highly suggest that app.  Not only does it keep me accountable, but I have a great circle of friends there that help keep me honest.  Anyone can go in and see what I have eaten, how much I've had to drink and exercise I'm doing (or not doing).   My screen name is MissKathyJean if you would like to find me over there.
3. Coming onto this blog and talking about where I'm at with wanting food.  Part of my transparency includes saying when I'm having these moments.

I know that a lot of behavior modification will have to take place in my life so that I stop going to the old way I have always done things.  The idea that it takes only 21 days to break a habit or start a  new one, at least to me, is completely false.  Sure, in some things that may work just fine.  However, when it comes to food and the desire to eat even when I'm not hungry, I have a feeling this will be a long journey.  In fact, I may never cross the finish line.  From what I can see based on others that have already had their weight loss surgeries, it is something they still continue to battle.  How do I go from wanting food when I'm bored, angry, tired, stressed or any of those emotions that have caused me to go to food in the past?  I dream of being able to have food just for nutrition and not to solve some sort of problem.  Dare to dream, right?

How do you handle head hunger?  If you don't happen to have that problem, congrats!  But for others, do you have strategies that you have used to get through a moment without succumbing?  

Water Challenge Day 67:  Drank 193 of 179 ounces

Pre-op class #4 and weekly weigh-in

Our fourth class was great, although I barely made it there.  Classes start at 5:00 and if we're not there by 5:15, we are considered absent and have to make up the missed class with another group or we have to start all over again with our six months of classes.  I got tied up at work, trying desperately to finish writing our counseling newsletter and sending it out to over 7,000 people before I could leave for the night.  The clock was ticking and I knew I had to leave.  I hardly had time to proofread, so I'm hoping there was no glaring mistake.  Trust me, if there is, I'll hear about it from parents.  I finally got it sent, grabbed my stuff, shut down my office and hauled ass out of there so I could hurry up and sit in rush hour traffic.  There was the constant stop and go, as well as following people who were afraid to follow too closely so they were driving 40 miles per hour with several carlengths in front of them (could you tell I was a tish irritated?)  I made it ... with seven minutes to spare.  Added stress I didn't need!

Weigh in time ... bom bom booom.  I lost another two pounds.  Yay!  I'm so amazed that I'm willingly accepting two pounds here and two pounds there.  In my Optifast days, I would have considered that week a failure but now I'm counting them as successes because I'm working my way towards a goal of healing and being healthy.  

The topic for tonight's class was about emotional eating.  One of the things I absolutely love about the classes I'm going through is how much they focus on the emotional component of being overweight.  Our facilitator pointed out that if we don't get to the crux of why we eat, we won't be successful with the surgery.  Sure, we may lose the weight, we might even keep it off for a while, but it will invariably creep back on and with a vengeance if we don't get at what's eating us.  So she posed the question, "What is the difference between physical hunger and psychological hunger?"

That's a darn good question to ponder.  Truly, what is the difference and can we even spot it?  So, being a good student who always wants to understand and learn, I raised my hand and told her I honestly don't know the difference.  Of course, intellectually, I know there is a big difference between being physically hungry and thinking I'm physically hungry.  So I gave a little scenario of what happened to me today. For breakfast I had oatmeal and Egg Beaters.  I had a mid-morning snack of baby carrots with spreadable Laughing Cow Cheese.  Then my friend and I went for a walk at work during lunch.  I felt pretty darn proud of myself asking her and saying what my physical limits were as we went walking.  So we did that, came back to work and ate our lunches in my office.  I had a homemade delish salad with spring salad mix, mushrooms, artichokes, skim mozarella cheese and a few chunks of chicken.  I also had a Fuji apple with that.  Sounds like a pretty hearty lunch, and it definitely was.  Then, not a half an hour later, I experienced what felt like true hunger to me. My tummy wasn't grumbling but my stomach felt so empty and it felt like real hunger.  I decided to just have more water instead because it felt like it was impossible for me to be so hungry so soon.

One of the things our leader told us to do when we're in situations like that was to ask ourselves what is really going on.  Not sometime later, but right in that very moment.  It may be feeling strange and a little curious that those hunger feelings are going on at the time, but sitting in it is very important.  So I thought back to everything and I could see that I was feeling a little down on myself because my back was hurting during our walk and I was sweaty.  I mean I could feel it drip down my neck.  I looked over at my friend and she didn't look hot in the slightest.  That made me mentally beat up on myself a little bit.  I was completely comparing my larger size to her barely-there size.  Geez, even in that comment, I'm building myself to be this sort of ogre compared to her petite littleness.  That's such a horrible way to treat myself and I know she'd be the first one to point that out.

I shared with the group, when we were posed a question by our leader, that I had gone to food as a coping mechanism when I was a kid, growing up in a rough household.  It was my go-to response when my parents were arguing or I was being hit or when I felt poor.  As an adult, I don't have any of those troublesome things going on but food is my body's go-to response.  If I'm feeling anxious, bored, lonely, scared, worried  - whatever the emotion - I go to food to help me through the moment.  Maybe those things I was feeling after lunch were things I didn't even recognize at the time.  I was reminded in our group tonight that if I am eating something about every 3 hours or so with some sort of protein included and that I'm getting in enough fiber and water, that feeling I'm having is head hunger more than anything.  Time and making new, healthy changes habits are what will help me overcome those uncomfortable feelings.  At least I felt better sharing this with the others because most everyone else was nodding their heads in agreement.

There are many reasons we overeat and it was the question our leader had us think about for the week - why do we think we overeat?  What are your answers to that question?

Water Challenge Day 27:  Drank 175 of 185 ounces

I was doing good until ...

Today I did a great job at logging my food, got enough water in my system and even logged in my exercise to MyFitnessPal.  It definitely keeps me very accountable.  I am working at really being aware of patterns or being more alert as to when things are difficult so that I can do the best I can to shut all of that down right away instead of letting things fester so that I eat over them.  Emotional eating is horrible because it really seems to come out of absolutely nowhere.

Okay, it wasn't as bad as eating all of this, it just felt like it.

But, how do you handle it when everything is going well and then, when you get home from a busy day, you feel like the cookie monster in the kitchen?  That was me today.  I was planning on coming home from church tonight and was going to make a very sensible, healthy dinner.  That wasn't in the cards for me, though.  Ha ha, I almost said it wasn't in the carbs for me - Freudian slip like no other!  I ate some chips, bread and nibbled on some chocolate.  Obviously that's not good.

I'm trying to figure out why all of that happened.  The best thing I can see, and really it's a good explanation (although not an excuse), is that all of my meals were off today.  I had breakfast at almost 11 a.m. and lunch at 2:30.  I even had to sort of force myself for lunch because I knew that I would not get back home to make dinner until 7ish.  As it turned out, it was closer to 8 p.m.  I was pretty hungry at that point, so I made horrid choices.

Breathe, Kathy, breathe.  Yes, I made choices I wasn't happy with but I don't have to carry them further into the evening or tomorrow.  I'm saying that for myself more than anything else.  I don't want to beat myself up over regrettable choices.  It happened, there's nothing I can do to erase anything, so I pick things up and move on.

Tomorrow I will be seeing Sara to go for a walk in the morning - looking forward to it girl - and then I plan on spending some serious time working on my grad school application.  I have about five weeks until it's due, so I want to work on my personal statement so that I'm not feeling rushed.  It's important to me to do a great job on that since it's something that's very important to me.   Time to wash my hands of my bad eating this evening and continue moving forward.  That's the best I can do.

I'm still here!

Hi everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted in a bit.  I have been trying to focus on my last few weeks of school and not procrastinating on getting done what I need to do.  With my commencement ceremony coming up in a few weeks, I've realized time has really been flying for me. 

Let's see, on the whole I'm doing pretty well.  I had some side affects with medication, so we've had to do some adjustments.  Including all the supplements I take, I've got a pretty significant pile of pills I'm taking every day.  However, at least I have the option of taking those medications.  Some people are not so fortunate and I do get that.  I still do have lots of pain, but I am learning to work with the pain and know that I'm doing the absolute best I can to take care of myself.  I started seeing a new physical therapist yesterday, so I'm hoping that process will help with pain management.

One thing that was a little difficult for me was I was scrolling through some of my pictures on my phone and caught some that were taken several months ago when I was dealing with major hair loss while I was on Optifast.  I could see the difference in my weight from that time until now and I started to focus on that.  This weight gain has been difficult on a level I can't adequately describe and it's been so hard to not have the constant reminders of where I am right now.  Oh how I miss the days when I was smaller.  It's funny ... when I was at that smaller size, I remember thinking that I had sooo much weight left to lose.  Now I would give almost anything to be back there.  Perspective is everything, isn't it?  I am working very hard to be in the moment and to know that if I'm doing what I need to do, the weight will continue to be released at whatever pace is right and healthy for me.  Nothing will be like the experience I had on Optifast and that has to be okay.  People lose weight in many different ways and we all have unique journeys as part of the process.

I am making a promise that I won't stay away so long next time.  And if I do, please, send me an e-mail or post a message saying it's been too long.  This is where I need to be to talk about the things that have led me to eating - good, bad or indifferent.  It's very easy to be quiet, even when it's not for negative reasons.  I've seen plenty of people really active on their blogs and then just disappear into cyberspace.  That's not my intention at all.  I've got my finals next week and then two research papers due the week after that.  Then I'll be putting on my cap and gown.  That will be an incredibly emotional day for me, especially given the adventure ride I've been on to get there.  But I'll be there with my family cheering me on and then having a fun celebration afterwards.  I'll definitely post pictures so everybody can see.  They're even streaming it live online.  The technology cracks me up ... I can't even pick my nose without the world seeing it.  Ha ha!  Okay, so I wouldn't pick my nose, just sayin ;-)

Surprising results

It's been a few days since I've posted.  I've been in a procrastination mode and I'm not exactly sure why.  Last week I had no school because it was Spring Break for my college and the week before that it was Spring Break for the school district I work in.  I'm always bouncing around like a pinball from here to there with so much going on that I guess a little leeway was before me and I took a mile.  We all need to take it easy sometimes, though.  Given how crazy, stressful and other lovely adjectives the last couple of years have been, it's not surprising that sometimes all I want to do is veg out.  Now I have to bust it to get some reading done for my classes this week.  And when I mean reading, I mean an entire novel and several textbook chapters.  Bleh. 

Oh well ;-)  On to my surprising results.  With the weight gain that had come on, I have had to adjust to changes that occur when that happens, just like I did when I had lost so much weight so fast.  I am on a steady downward trend with my weight, which I'm super thrilled with, but it's a much different experience than it was on Optifast.  Duh to that!  Everything is a much different experience given I was dropping weight in crazy amounts.  45 pounds down the first month will never happen again, I'm sure.  Now I'm focusing on a very healthy weight loss of 1-2 pounds a week, although I actually am losing more than that but my expectation is not 10 pounds a week any longer.  One of the things that happened when I was on Optifast was that my type 2 diabetes seemed to go into remission.  My blood sugar numbers were always fabulous and even dipped too low.  But being at a heavier weight has meant that I have had to add a little bit of medication back into my system to help keep the numbers normal.  I accepted that, although begrudgingly.  With the help of that medication, my numbers are normal. 

So anyway, it was time for me to refill my prescription.  I was supposed to pick up this medication, along with another one, this past Friday.  But when I went to the pharmacy, they only had one ready and it was not the one to help with the blood sugar.  They made a mistake and said it would be available today or tomorrow.  I was understanding, mistakes happen sometimes, but I went into a little bit of fear because I thought to myself, "Oh no, what do I do now?  It's not like I can just buy a pill at Walmart."  I just reminded myself, though, that I can do what I have been doing - weighing and measuring my portions, writing everything down that I eat and continuing to be honest.  Even when I don't want to be because perhaps I didn't make the best decision, I still would diligently track everything.  It's amazing, actually, how much freedom there is in that in a weird way.  Actually, three ounces of protein is a lot when you really have balanced meals.  Since I'm doing Weight Watchers now, I'm not being crazy with counting calories.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying counting calories is crazy.  It's just that, for me, that sort of action makes me feel so anxious, like I'm the food police or something.  With WW, there's just points.  I still measure out or weigh what I'm eating, but it's just much more breathable for me.  So I spent the weekend paying more attention than ever to planning out my meals really well, always aware of what I was choosing to see how it would affect my blood sugar.  I still had fantastic and delicious meals, but they were portioned out.

What was absolutely amazing to me was that, every time I checked my blood sugar, it was normal.  It's not as if I didn't have any carbs with my meals because I'm forbidden by my dietitian to go low-carb.  As a diabetic, I need a certain amount of carbs for energy since that fuels my body but it's the right kind of carbs that makes the difference.  Now, my numbers were on the higher side of normal, but make no mistake, they were normal.  My numbers should be somewhere between 80-120 if I haven't eaten anything in four hours and they were always in the range.  I almost didn't know what to make of it, until I started looking at my log where I write down my numbers.  With the medication, my blood sugar is on the low end of normal or just below normal.  Without it, it's on the upper end of normal.  What that has shown me over time is that weight does make a difference.  I know we all know this ... doctors have been telling me this all my life, of course.  But I could definitely see something tangible in my own body.  With continued weight loss, I can see that my need for the medication will be reduced, if not eliminated, just as it eventually was when I was doing Optifast.  When I started, it took a while for my diabetes medication to be eliminated, but it eventually was. 

This is really encouraging to me and maybe to other people as well.  My weight loss has been a hard-fought battle that I have won sometimes, lost sometimes but that I have not given up on.  It's been hard because people definitely regard me differently at a higher weight than my lowest when I was on Optifast.  My struggles with medications causing weight gain coupled with the frustration of that and chronic pain brought back some struggles I have had with emotional eating.  Yet, I'm not letting it be the victor, I promise that.  Yes, I have gained back some of the weight I worked so hard to lose.  That has been humiliating, painful and has made me feel very sad.  When I have talked about how I really feel about it, down deep inside, I am left with a lot of tears.  Those that have been obese, morbidly obese or some other label of overweight know the pain I'm talking about.  You know all too well.  But, like all scrappy fighters, I have gotten up and refused to wave the white flag.  I am reminded of Sylvester Stalone as Rocky when I think of my fight.  I have these images of him in the ring, just jacked up from the other opponent pummeling him but, dang it, he is still in there fighting.  I am not where I used to be and I can honestly say there's more to that than just the words.  It's a different world for me now.  I may be in pain, but I fight through it to get my exercise in.  I can see the benefits of being careful of what I'm eating.  And, as much as I'm working on the outside, I'm focusing on the inside, too.  That place is just as important.  If the inside gets healed, so does the outside.  One foot in front of the other is how I'll get there, especially with the amount of support I have from those that have loved me no matter what.