We should all feel beautiful

As my alternate persona, Kickass Kathy, I feel like I can get out there and do anything I set my mind to doing.  This morning, I got up, ate a healthy breakfast and then proceeded to go out and get some great exercise in.  I burned 788 calories and felt like a rock star.  I walked around my neighborhood at a higher speed than I do during the week and I was singing along to the songs playing in my ears from my iPhone.  I felt amazing.

There are other times, though, that I feel like an ugly duckling.  I suppose it comes with the territory of being an obese person in a world that not only does not accept us, but hates us for being "weak".  Let's face it, alcoholism and drug addiction seem to be more acceptable than someone that goes to their food to stuff their feelings away.  On top of that, I feel a heightened sense of not belonging because I don't look like everyone else.  With an an ethnic background of being Filipino, Hungarian, German and Norwegian, it's hard not to be labeled as exotic.  All of these things feed into my idea of being ugly.  When people call me beautiful, I often wonder if perhaps they're not just a little high.  I'm being serious!  How can they look at me and say that?  When boyfriends have said it in the past, I just figured it was because they wanted to have sex with me.  Some guys will feed a line to a girl just to get her into bed.

I saw the greatest quote recently on Pinterest.  "One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl.  I wear colors that I really like, I wear makeup that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps.  It doesn't have anything to do with how the world perceives you.  What matters is what you see.  Your body is your temple, it's your home, and you must decorate it." - Gabourey Sidibe"  She's the actress that starred in the movie, "Precious".

That's a pretty powerful message, isn't it?  And, really, she's absolutely right.  Outside beauty, just like inner beauty, is not thinking you're all that and a bag of chips.  What it is about is knowing your worth and accepting yourself as exactly who you are in the moment.  That makes you beautiful.

I would tell that to any child that comes to my office at work because I believe it to be true.  So, why, then, are there different rules when it comes to finding beauty within myself?  Of course there aren't different rules. I suppose I bought into the messages that society and specific people told me about being unlovely and unworthy.

There's actually a reason I'm bringing all of this up today.  I have a new friend who is in my bariatric pre-op classes and also reads my blog [hi my lovely new friend!].  She is a hairdresser and recently asked me if she could cut my hair.  I actually was thinking of asking her, so I was glad she brought it up.  I was in between wondering if I should grow my hair long again or keep it short and I was desperately in need of a cut.  I never thought I could pull off short hair because those that have those cute little styles are generally confident, beautiful women and I just didn't feel like I was either one.  Yet, my hair was driving me nuts.  It was just too long to do anything with.  So, long story getting longer, I made an appointment with her to get my hair cut today and told her that she had free reign on my head.  The last several times I had my hair cut, I just wasn't happy so I knew I would need to find someone new.

As I sat in the chair, even though my new friend was engaging me in conversation, I found myself not wanting to look in the mirror.  I looked down into my lap several times and talked to her.  I was fully focusing on what we were talking about, but I was also purposely not trying to look at myself in the mirror.  When I did, I honed in on the weight around my face more often than I would like to admit or the features that I felt made me look "ugly".  We had a great conversation and I was able to move past my insecurities to have it.  I just hated the fact that I was focusing on myself and what I didn't like more than anything else.  Yet, as she was cutting and the direction she was going in was starting to come into focus, something amazing was happening:  I looked at myself in the mirror and started to think that I looked cute.  This is a big deal.  It's more than just a haircut and a mirror.  This speaks to how I view myself as a worthy child of God.  It speaks to how I often feel "less than" when comparing myself to other people.  Something inside of me was saying, "No, stop looking away from the mirror.  Sit still and just be."  And so I watched.

I love how it turned out.  I love how it has made me feel - spunky and pretty.  We should all feel those things, at least once in a while.  So, like Gabby, perhaps I too will decide to be beautiful and carry myself as though I am.  By doing so, perhaps I will come to the point where I can find acceptance and know I am exactly the way I am supposed to be for exactly the purpose God intends.

Water Challenge Day 55:  Drank 170 of 182 ounces

My motivation wall

What inspires you to be healthy?  Are there things that you find give you a bigger motivation than others?  For me, it's so many different things.  It might be the smiles that greet me when I'm walking outdoors or the person sweating at the gym who is loving every minute of it.  Just like any other person who is trying to lose weight and live a healthier life, I have my moments when I see such a long road ahead or I'm just not full of any energy to work out.  So I have a wall that I started keeping words of motivation on, words that can give me a push when I need it or a reminder of why I lace up my shoes.  Here's a snippet from that wall.

These are different words of inspiration I've seen online that have really grabbed my attention for one reason or another.  Some of them make me want to go out there and kick some ass at the gym, others remind me what the blood, sweat and tears are for.  Then there are others that just make me laugh.

When I saw that one about Channing Tatum, I about bust a gut so I had to put it on my wall.  [If you don't know who that is, he's this hottie actor.  Google him.]

No matter what your motivation is, bring it out in the open and embrace it.  There is no way I can look at my motivation wall and not be inspired to push myself that little extra bit or remember to keep the eye on the prize.  Life is incredibly short and I want to do the best I can at taking care of myself now.  I'm not always the greatest at that, but I'm working on it.  As my parting picture, take a look at one of my beautiful girls who was incredibly fascinated at me taking a picture of the wall in my bedroom.

Water Challenge Day 44:  Drank 202 of 182 ounces

Challenges

My post right is coming to you at about 4 a.m.  I decided to take a nap at 8 p.m. last night.  Really, who was I kidding ... I decided to go to bed, not take a nap.  I was just tired from my day.  It was a roller coaster of emotions and I guess my body and mind were just exhausted.

First of all, the night before, I tried sleeping with my CPAP.  Tried.  It was four hours of not even nodding off, let alone sleeping.  I know the advise was to keep it on until I fell asleep, but I had to gauge whether I was going to lay there for eight hours with no sleep or at least giving it the four hours and then take it off to get some sleep so that I would at least be functional at work.  I promise I'm not giving up on it.  I'm going to keep trying.  I know that having sleep apnea is very dangerous and so I will keep trying.  I do have an appointment with a doctor from the sleep clinic in a couple of weeks to see how I'm doing.  If I'm still not sleeping by that point with the machine, then I'm pretty sure they'll put me through a sleep study.  While the thought of trying to sleep while someone is watching me through a glass pane and having the machine on my face doesn't appeal to me, I'll do whatever I can to move to that place that will allow me to sleep well.  I pray that with continued weight loss, I won't need to bother with the machine in the future.

Speaking of doctors, I had a follow-up appointment today with a gynecologist a few weeks after I had the endometrial biopsy done.  I decided that I was going to talk to the doctor about the treatment I got from the physician's assistant before the procedure was done because it was upsetting.  I was going to be brave and strong while I did it.  When I got in the office, the nurse told me that the doctor was going to examine me because it was my first time seeing her, so I had to take off everything from my waist down and put the "napkin" over my lap to cover myself.  Great.  Do you know how hard it is to be brave and confident, attempting to have a serious conversation with a doctor when your underwear is in one corner of the room while you're on the other??  But, I was brave and told her how difficult it was to encounter her P.A. with the way she spoke to me.  I did cry during my conversation with the doctor, which made me mad at myself, but the tears were there for a reason.  I suppose it was just the frustration of being told that my weight would be the cause of cancer (if I had it).  I told her that was so difficult because I felt judged and, having had cancer of a different form just two years ago, I'm especially sensitive to that word even being brought up.  The part that was hilarious though was, when I started to cry, the doctor was looking around for tissues and I said to her, "That's okay, I'll just use this" ... I reached down and grabbed the edge of the big napkin that was covering my lap.  It made us both laugh, so at least we got some comic relief.  She did tell me she was sorry about how I was treated the last time I was there and it wouldn't happen again.  In regards to the medical part of the visit, we have decided to continue me on a oral pill treatment.  If it doesn't work, then we'll be discussing different options, such as implanting an IUD.  So far so good on the pills.

The other big issue of my day was dealing with some difficulties I have been having with starting grad school.  Without giving you all a blow by blow of what has been going on, I've been trying to get answers from my grad counselor in terms of signing up for classes.  I'm starting in the spring term and it didn't appear as though any of the first-year classes that I needed were being offered.  I contacted my counselor and it took him from Tuesday until Friday to get back to me.  I get they're busy, but classes start on Monday!  I was really angry and I tried contacting the guy three times.  With a lot of twists and turns along the way, I found out that because I'm starting in the spring, I would need to take second year classes and then do my beginning courses when a brand new cohort starts in the fall.  I ended up talking with Dr. B, who is in charge of my

particular program in San Diego and is the professor teaching some of my classes.  He assured me that I will be able to take all 48 units of my program in San Diego and not have to drive anywhere else (for a time, it looked like I would have to drive up to Murrieta or L.A. because that's where the main campus for Azusa Pacific is where I am taking classes).  The communication was severely lacking, especially with having to do with my grad counselor.  He is the same person I was dealing with when I was applying and he was exactly the same way then.  Dr. B expressed that he personally signed off on my application and is looking forward to having me as a student so I have nothing to worry about in terms of being able to participate in the program.  The only thing I have to decide is whether or not I will start this spring or just wait until the fall.  If I start this spring, there is only one class that will use concepts introduced from another class, so I might feel as though I'm behind.  After talking to one of the counselors at work, she was telling me that she came into her grad program after having taken a semester somewhere else and she always felt a little "off" by not doing everything together with her cohort.  I have some thinking to do this weekend.  As I was talking to another friend about this, she wondered if maybe this was happening for a reason.  It got me to thinking about something someone said to me a while ago.  It's a sweet woman who regularly reads this blog and she asked me if maybe I should consider waiting to start grad school in the fall since I will have a lot going on with the upcoming gastric bypass.  The more I thought about, the more I wondered if perhaps she was right and this was God's way of letting me know that it's okay to wait and focus on taking good care of my health leading up to the surgery.  I have a lot to think about this weekend.  Dr. B. did ask me to let him know my decision on Monday.  He did tell me that whichever direction I decide to go will be just fine.

As I was going home from work, I decided that it was a good time to make a run to Costco so that I could pick up fruits, veggies and whatever else I needed.  As every member knows, you have to flash your Costco card to get in.  I pulled out my card and showed it to the person at the door, but what I had flashed her was my Kaiser card.  Ha ha ... no wonder she looked at me funny.  They don't even look the same, I just must have been tired.  As I was going through and picking up my healthy food - spaghetti squash (I didn't even know they had my fav veggie there!), spring salad, mushrooms, peppers, artichoke hearts, etc. - I happened upon veggie chips.  I've had them before and went through a lame rationalization in my head that since they're veggie chips, they're good for me.  Okay, sure, they are not as bad as normal chips, but still.  I put them in my cart and off I went.  Guess what happened to me?  I found myself munching on them like regular chips.  My fingers were greasy, so I knew they couldn't really be called veggies.  I finally was munching so much that I just had to crush all the chips and then bury them in my trash can.  Those just aren't okay for me to eat, at least not right now.  I realize now, as I reflect on it, those chips really screwed with me because I didn't get nearly all my water in.  It wasn't only the chips, but the mentality that goes with them that led me to even making the choice to pick them up.  When I'm in the right place emotionally, I don't want to eat stuff like that.  So, they are smashed to the consistency of sawdust at the bottom of my trash can and I'm done with them.  I can't wait to have my healthier stuff tomorrow.  It makes me feel like I'm taking better care of my body.  I've been doing good this week on getting more exercise in, drinking my water and eating well, so I don't want one bad choice or day negate all of that.

Water Challenge Day 18:  Drank 58 of 186 ounces

Pre-op class #2 and weekly weigh-in

Week two of the pre-op classes is done!  This session was pretty fantastic.  The topic was about establishing a new relationship with food.  One of the things I love about these classes is that we're not just focusing on the logistics of the surgery.  That is great information to have, but I think focusing on the reasons why we eat to excess and the emotional component is just as important.  It is highly possible for people to have the gastric bypass surgery, lose weight and then put it back on.  If the problems are not addressed, there will not be a long-term solution.  I don't want to go through the experience of having the surgery and all the holes I've had to jump through to get there only to gain the weight back again.

One of the things I shared with the group was the fact that I was struggling with feeling extreme hunger this week.  I was told originally to follow a 1200 calorie plan for weight loss.  Suggestions were given in terms of what sorts of foods to eat with the ultimate goal of losing the recommended ten percent prior to the surgery.  I kept thinking to myself, "1200 calories doesn't seem like a lot."  In fact, I started worrying about it.  If you give a blanket calorie amount to everyone in the room, not accounting for their height or activity level, is that really going to be successful for everyone?  My food is great at breakfast and lunch but I am absolutely ravenous by the time I'm ready to head home from work each day.  I'm talking I felt so hungry you would probably be able to hear my tummy grumble from across the room.  As we working on an activity in the class, I had a pretty significant aha moment.

We were asked to write down what times we eat at each meal:

Breakfast:  6:00 a.m.

Lunch:  12:30 p.m.

Dinner:  6:00 p.m.

Morning snack:  Hmm ... 

Afternoon snack:  Hmm again ...

Then I realized, what I minute, I'm going way too long between meals.  From breakfast to lunch it's six and a half hours, lunch to dinner is five and a half hours.  That's assuming I'm eating on time.  I will bring snacks but get so busy at work that I forget about them and don't eat them that often.  Add to that the fact that I am diabetic and, well, it's just a hot mess.  Well, duh Kathy, this is why you're so flippin' hungry at the end of the day.  The leader of our group suggested that I have a protein shake when I'm leaving work.  I can even use my old Optifast packets that are collecting dust in my pantry.  Geez, why didn't I think of that?  I know it sounds simple, but I just never realized how long I was waiting to eat.  The other thing that struck me between the eyes is that, on one of our handouts, it says that 1200 calories is recommended for women.  It didn't say, "Hey Kathy, you suck if you go over 1200 calories."  This is another example of the perfectionist thinking that goes on in my head.  If you need more than 1200 calories to the point that you feel weak, your blood sugar has dropped and you have pounding headaches, for the love of everything that is holy, GO EAT!!

The rest of chapter for this week went over some suggestions on how to moderate eating now to be as healthy as possible and help us transition to the time when we will be having surgery.  Some of them included:

• Good nutrition is a critically important step toward my overall health.  I can start with a personal commitment to myself.
• The goal of good nutrition is to maximize my potential for good health every day.  I cannot achieve and maintain good health by occasionally eating well and eating poorly the rest of the time.
• Remove toxin-laden foods from my environment and stop buying those foods.
• Keep a food journal and honestly document my food consumption and use the journal to determine if any foods cause allergic symptoms.

Obviously many of these are common sense things hopefully every healthy adult would incorporate into their lives.  However, if you're like me and have had problems with compulsively overeating, bingeing or have had some sort of addiction to food, you know that common sense can often times be thrown out the window.  In many ways, I'm like a child that has to learn how to walk again.  Sometimes that means baby steps and sometimes that means running.  

As far as my weigh-in, I did lose a pound this week.  I was going to write that I "just" lost a pound, as if I need to apologize for not doing as well as I think I should have.  The truth is, though, that I need to not be so self-critical and that includes putting some expectation on myself that I think I have to live up to.  I lost a pound and that's great.  If I lose more next week, that's great, but I can be supremely grateful that I'm taking action toward getting healthier.  That's what matters the most to me right now.

I'm going to try to go to bed earlier tonight and give my CPAP machine another go, so my water consumption is going to be lower.  I don't care because I realized today, while talking to a friend at work who has adopted the water challenge for herself, that I drink about a gallon and a half each day.  I'm sorry, but that's pretty dang awesome!!  Yay me ;-)  Seriously, that is a crazy amount of fluids, especially for someone who had a tough time getting in more than 1-2 bottles a day.  Rockin' this!

Water Challenge Day 14:  Drank 104 of 186 ounces

Join me for my challenge

Okay, yes, I've been incommunicado for a week.  For me, that's a long time not to post at least a little something.  For the most part, my flu is gone.  I still have a nagging cough that sometimes is really bad, but I'm back to normal in other regards.  I still can't exercise a lot because of the respiratory infection, but I know I'll get back there again soon.  I did get some really great health news though ... my endometrial biopsy came back benign.  Hooray!  I will be seeing the gynecologist at the end of the month and I think I'm going to talk to her more about how things went down with the Physician's Assistant.  The more I reflect on it, it's one thing to blame me and the weight on the condition, but it's another thing to mention that it causes cancer in the same breath.  I went in there to see why I was having too many cycles.  For her to then mention cancer without even knowing what I had was insensitive and totally inappropriate.  I mean, I'm a person who is in remission from cancer so you can't just throw that shit around like that.

I finished the application for graduate school and submitted it.  I did make a mistake on my application when I reported my college units.  That sent me into a little of a panic because I wondered if that tiny mistake would keep me from being accepted.  However, I did contact the graduate counselor so all is well.  From what they said, I should know something next week.  That's intense!  I know there's nothing more I can do except to wait to hear from them.  I am looking forward to getting back to school though.  I feel like if I'm out of college for too long, I won't want to go back when it's time.  At Azusa Pacific, it looks like my classes will be on a quarter schedule but I'll only be taking two at a time.  So, God willing, that'll start next month for me.

Okay, enough for updates!  On to my challenge.  A few days ago on Facebook, I got involved in a "Drink Your Water" challenge.  It's a group of people who committed to drinking half their body weight in ounces of water or similar non-caffeinated beverages.  Our task was to drink like this for five days as a group to help us make sure we're getting in our water for all the fabulous benefits.  There's 151 one of us and w check in each day to see how we were all doing and to encourage each other.  For me, that has meant drinking 187.5 ounces of water a day.  I have not made quite that number every day, but I have done it most days or gotten really close.  Participating in this challenge has really helped me increase my fluid intake and my skin is looking really great.  Right now there is a 100-day challenge going on online and in social media groups.  People pick various things to do, whether it is working out, eating whole foods or whatever for 100 days straight.  They then do videos of how they have been doing or document it in some way.  So I thought it would be great for me to continue drinking half my body weight in ounces for 100 days.  It could only benefit me in positive ways.  I even have an awesome app on my phone to help me keep track (in the app store, search "Waterlogged").  I'm all about the fantastic benefits that all this drinking can do for me:  help in losing weight, good skin, less headaches, better digestion and so much more.  So join me ... if I can do it, so can you!!

Being an example

I'm in the full swing of vacation and am really enjoying not having to do much.  I'm keeping myself occupied for sure, but I do like the idea of not waking up at 5 a.m.  Let's face it, that pretty sucks!  My mom is with me over a few days this Christmas which is really nice in some ways and, in others, I get to see how I am too independent.  I'm really used to doing things my way, when I want to do them and in what manner.  She just wants to take care of me and I see myself standing in the way, being a bit bull-headed.  I need to let that go and let her be a mother to me.  She did share with me that she is happy for my decision in pursing the gastric bypass surgery and actually is going to talk to her doctor when she sees her next month about getting it done herself.  She really has come to recognize my reasons for pursuing this path - health.  Living healthy and feeling healthy.  I'm so astonished that she wants to do it for herself, but extremely happy at the same time.  She's 63 and I do want her around for a long time.  I don't know how  became a source of inspiration with her in this journey, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Speaking of weight, I've had a rough go of it over the last couple of days.  I have been getting really down on myself about all the weight I have gained back and how much weight I have to lose to be healthy.  It doesn't seem like any of my clothes fit me, or least hardly any fit.  Just carrying in some groceries this afternoon made me realize what kind of damage I have done after years of carrying the weight around.  Even 20 pounds on a person's frame is an extra load on the joints, back and heart.  My seat belt is getting tighter around me in the carrand I'm just a lot more aware of excess weight right now.  Instead of going out and getting a few things that fit, I continue to try to squeeze at what I have.  It makes me tug at all of my shirts and try to shimmy my way into pants.  In a sense, I think it's a way of punishing myself. By not wearing clothes that fit or make me feel comfortable, I am hurting myself, especially the emotional part of me.  Actually, I didn't realize until just now that that is what I have been doing to myself ... being passive aggressive.  After Christmas on Thursday, I promise I will go out and pick up some clothes that actually fit.  In time, I pray I'll get smaller and won't have to spend much time in those clothes.  Regardless, I feel really blessed to have the opportunity to feel better and healthier.  Good health doesn't seem like a lofty goal for many people, but it does for me, that's for sure.

Carrying around two and half bags of pet food

I made it back home from my trip to Vegas with the family. We left last night at almost 6:00 and got home by midnight.  I'm glad I got to spend the Thanksgiving week with them, but nothing is better than being in my own bed again.  I loved meeting my 3-year old niece and playing with her.  Life is so uncomplicated when you're that young. The biggest worry you have is which dress you will wear with your tiara.  As my mom and I spent time together in the hotel room, we got to talk a lot about the gastric bypass.  At first, she was really worried and now she has done a complete 180.  I think the more I was able to answer her questions and we could be honest about any concerns she felt, the less anxiety she felt.  Dr. Oz happened to also have a segment on it and we watched it together.  The issue I have now is her saying, "When you're skinny next year ..." It was always important for her to look good when I was growing up, fat being treated as some sort of disease.  Now that she's older, she thinks it's too late for her so she's now in the mentality to save me from that.  For now, I'm trying to let her be in her own zone about it.  If it persists, I will have to have a talk with her because, for me, this is not about me being skinny; this is about me being healthy.  There is a big difference there for me. As for my father, no, I didn't tell him.  Since he lives in Nevada now for half the year, he is planning on coming down to visit with me at some point this winter.  I think enough time will have passed and I will have progressed further into the weight loss surgery process to talk to him about it at that point.  Of course, I'm going to take it one step at a time and play it by ear and see how comfortable I am by then.

After getting back into a regular routine, I did run over to Costco to get some veggies and restock my cat food and kitty litter supply for the girls.  I buy a 25-pound bag of cat food that lasts well over a month for them.  As I was carrying that in from the car in both my hands, I was amazed at exactly how much 25 pounds really is when I think about it.  My highest weight is over two and a half of those bags on my body from where I am at right now.  If ever I don't think it's a big deal that I'm keeping off 60 pounds from my highest weight because I'm too focused on dropping bigger numbers, I just have to think about how it felt to lift one of those bags and then imagine adding another bag and a half.  How do we do that and not even notice how really bad that is for our bodies?  I couldn't wait to put that bag on the kitchen counter and have it removed from my arms.  No wonder it's such a big deal when doctors say even losing something like 10-20 pounds is so important for our hearts, legs and back.  Yeah, I totally get that.  Now how am I supposed to bring in that 42-pound bag of kitty litter??  Gotta love Costco.

Determining whether or not this is life-saving

I was watching the news this morning and they had a story of a man who was trying hard to have a kidney transplant.  He was scheduled for surgery at UC San Diego, but then the nurses went on strike so it had to be canceled.  This man has been on dialysis nine hours each day and had found a donor coming from out of state.  Because his insurance didn't cover a person not within the state, he had to pay the added expenses.  He shared his plight with local media and then, lo and behold, was rescheduled for surgery (funny how things shifted so quickly when he went on the news...hmm).  I watched his story and saw the joy in his face as he knew he was about to undergo life-saving surgery.  So this made me think about me and the feelings I am going through as I embark on the journey of weight loss surgery, particularly a gastric bypass in my situation.

I wondered, having just watched that story, is the surgery for me in the same category as life-

saving?  Don't get me wrong, I don't have any doubts it is the right avenue for me.  However, I am very introspective and I really need to honor any time I have feelings or emotions pop up, especially when it comes to something like surgery.  This decision is the most difficult and serious one I have ever had to make in my life.  Yes, I have had other surgeries before, one of which was certainly life-saving, but being in the super obesity category forces me to look at this with deeper consideration, especially when there are emotions connected with food.  Can gastric bypass surgery be in the same category as other life-saving surgeries?  For me, I have to think of it with a visual reference to help talk myself through any questions that might pop up in my mind.  If I fell off a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and someone was able to throw me a tool of survival, such as a life preserver, wouldn't I reach for it if I honestly have tried every other effort to save myself?  If it's between grabbing it and having it help me reach safety versus continuing to drown because I'm feeling too proud by saying that I can do it on my own, wouldn't I want to reach for it?  Of course I would!

I have been reading a lot of blogs of other people's experiences with having had the bypass.  I am so grateful they have taken the time to describe the entire process and, especially, talk about the emotions they have gone through.  I realize complications do pop up for people and there might even be physical pain that comes along with the surgery for a few weeks or even a couple of months.  One of the interesting things I noticed is that a lot of people have been talking about fear of excess skin.  I suppose I have a unique perspective because I did have excess skin when I got down to my lowest weight while doing the Optifast program.  If you look on the right side of my blog, you'll see a side by side picture of me at my highest weight and then my lowest weight.  At that smaller weight, the picture looks pretty good but it did hide skin under my clothes.  However, having been there compared to being here at 355 pounds today, I can say for sure that I would take the excess skin in a freaking heartbeat.  In a heartbeat!

For me, and I can only speak for myself, this is absolutely a life-saving surgery.  My health is in just as serious a condition as the man awaiting his kidney transplant.  People die daily from the effects of obesity.  Whether that is a heart attack, diabetes or something else, it is something to never take lightly.  I'm 41 years old and there is huge potential that things can get worse for me.  I'm certainly not saying this to be morbid.  That is not my intention at all.  Rather, it's my way of working through my process.  I have the great potential of being relieved of most, if not all, of the pain I live with constantly.  Both my diabetes and sleep apnea will likely be reversed.  My high blood pressure and high cholesterol will be lowered.  I will significantly decrease the chances of a heart-attack.  Instead of approaching the surgery with the mind-set that I have failed at other attempts to lose the weight and so now I'm "resorting" to the bypass surgery, I think of it as I have the great opportunity to turn things around to live a healthy life.  Forget the excess skin; this is so much bigger than that.  I feel there is such great potential with this road I am now traveling.  I am not approaching this in a negative way at all.  I am thanking God for this blessing and the people who have had the courage to talk to me about this with love and sincerity in their hearts.  You know who you are and I can't tell you with words how much your love for me has deeply touched me.  On Thursday, I will be taking the next step on this journey when I attend the orientation session for bariatric surgery and I'm looking forward that.

Don't look away

Yesterday I went and got a haircut.  It's been four months since I had my hair chopped off and, now that I'm keeping it short for a while, it's much more noticeable when I haven't gone in.  The person cutting my hair at the salon was someone that had never worked on me before so we spent a lot of time looking at the mirror to get it right.  She was concerned about making me happy, which I thought was a lovely change of pace.  It's very difficult not to look at yourself in the mirror the whole time because, seriously, where else are you going to look?  You can stare at the hair that is falling all around you as it gets snipped away but eventually you go back to you.  For me, it was pretty difficult looking at myself in that reflection.  In so many ways, I don't feel at all inside what my body portrays on the outside. To be dead honest, all I wanted to do after having my hair cut is go and work out for two hours.

So what was all of that about?  The truth is that looking at myself in the mirror in front of other people is very hard for me to do.  I have a tendency to look away or look down - I'd rather look anywhere than at myself.  Even when I look in the mirror alone, it's to make sure my hair is okay or to put my makeup on.  Even then, I put so little on my face that it's just long enough to work on my lashes or something simple like that.  Part of the issues with weight loss and weight gain is about being comfortable in your own skin to a point where you can accept and love yourself for who and what you are in the very moment.  I can't say I'm there yet.  I'm working hard at getting there, but I have come to realize over the years that being overweight is incredibly so much more than overeating.  It is my shield, a cover that helps me not put myself out there.  Whether that is in a love relationship, friendship or even with my family, if I don't put myself out there, then I can't get hurt.  The problem with all of that, though, is that it's false protection.  As much as I want to, I just can't look away from not only the image in the mirror, but the person behind that image.  That's the crux of it all.  I have been doing well with my food and finding weight loss again, which has been terrific.  Along the way, I am being reminded that when a person puts down the food, the issues we ran to avoid for so long become incredibly prominent.  That is definitely the case for me.  However, I am here to say that I am not going to run away, I'm not going to pick up that food and I'm not going to give into the Negative Nancy voice inside of me that tries to break me down little bits at a time.  What I need to do is remain strong, keep taking care of my body and especially taking care of my emotional health.  It definitely needs a bit of TLC.

Funny feeling and fellow bloggers

I went for a beach walk again with Sara.  It's still been hot here so walking in the inland area was out of the question.  We went a few miles on the beach and it was lovely.  We were sweating it up but there was such a nice breeze and sitting in the shade at the end was great.  I know that putting one foot in front of the other is what I need to continue to do to get the weight off.  I am looking forward to the day when my poor body just doesn't hurt as much as it does these days.  The pain in my legs and back, in particular, make me want to sit down and not exercise but I am always grateful when I do.  And when you can walk with a friend, it almost doesn't feel like exercise because you chat the entire time and, poof, before you know it, you've walked a long distance.  Love that.

For the rest of the day, I was pretty darn hungry for each meal and snack I had.  In fact, I was famished.  I couldn't drink enough water and was wondering why I was so incredibly hungry.  Then I looked at my cell phone and figured it out.  I use the app, MapMyWalk, whenever I go walking.  It has my weight in there, so any time I do activity, it calculates how many calories I burned.  For today's beach jaunt, it said I burned over 800 calories.  No wonder why I was hungry!  Since I had time before dinner, I decided to go shopping at Sprouts for some food that I eat with my main Jenny meals.

I think I've turned into one of those people, the one who has a cart full of fruits and veggies.  We've all seen them before and marveled at how they could possibly (a.) eat so much fruit and veggies and (b.) be satisfied with just those foods.  I don't know how it happened, but I think I'm gravitating toward that group more and more.  I eat a lot of that stuff now.  For the most part, I'm very full on it.  You put these foods in with your Jenny foods and then all of sudden you have a huge amount to eat.  It's pretty shocking.  The other things I had in my cart were soymilk and Walden Farms products (salad dressing and barbecue sauce).  If I use those items instead of the JC dressings, I can have as much as I want since there's no calories, fat or carbs in them.  That frees up another fat serving for me to use elsewhere if I want, as suggested to me by my JCC.  So, anyway, as I was shopping, I wasn't feeling so great.  I started getting sweaty and thought that was odd because it was freezing in the store.  I paid for my stuff, got behind the wheel with the AC on my face and felt very shaky.  As I was coming into the house with my groceries, it dawned on me that my blood sugar might be low.  Unlikely, but possible.  And, sure enough, when I got out my meter and tested, I was way too low.  It must have been the exercise coupled with the insulin.  It looks like I'm already going to have to lower my amount of insulin after having started it just a few weeks ago.  Amazing how fast things turn around!

On a different note and total change of conversation, as a blogger, I write about everything under the sun.  If you've been reading my stuff, you know I talk about the gamut and I also talk about very personal things.  Good Lord, my highest weight is on here.  If that's not full disclosure, then I don't know what is!!  I often times will have someone send me a personal note or post a comment on one of my posts that says they've read every single one of my entries, from the starting point to current day.  That's a lot of reading, and I definitely do appreciate it, but I would also think, "Don't you get bored reading about my musings all in a row?"  Then I realized today that I do it, too, when I stumble across a blog that I just absolutely love.  My current one is No Thanks to Cake.  The author of this site has also done JC and has recipes on how to volumize the meals, which I am all over.  I love the different ways people have come up with making the Jenny food bigger in very healthy ways.  I haven't finished reading all of her posts, but can't wait to read each entry.  It can be very addicting reading what people go through and relating to them.  So if you're one of the people that has read my posts regularly, I really appreciate it.  I know several of you root for me and wish me continued good health.  I do the same for you and I cherish your support.  One thing I can say for sure - it's not a dull life.  I've had my ups and downs, but I keep moving forward in this journey.  I promise that I am not giving up on this weight loss/healthy living adventure I'm on.  I feel like I'm the queen of perseverance and really, honestly feel very good things in front of me on that front.  I feel so strongly that Now is Finally the Time.

Unsolicited advice

Sometimes I just have to laugh.  Ha ha ha.  The thing that makes me chuckle is people who think they are trying to be helpful, unsolicited or otherwise, when they see an overweight person.  I was in Wal-Mart attempting to buy a few things I needed, and, okay, some other things maybe I didn't need ;-)  I hate going there and really limit my trips but I really needed to go today.  So one of the things I bought because I thought it looked pretty awesome was a set of two salad bowls with built in dresser containers and forks like this one.

Pretty cool.  So when I went to check-out, the cashier made a comment when she saw the salad bowls about how all of your meals such center around a salad.  Then she asked me if I heard anything about the 2/500 diet plan.  I told her I hadn't heard of that one, just trying to be polite you know.  She then proceeds to tell me she saw a segment on PBS last night about this plan where you pick two non-consecutive days per week where you eat no more than 500 calories and how fabulous it's supposed to be.  She then told me how Sprouts is having a sale on Walden Farms products and how great it is because you can eat as much of their products as you want.  She went on and on as I paid her and eventually started walking away because there were customers behind me.  And what did she do?  Keep talking to me, loudly, as I was walking away from her register.  

So my question is why is this okay?  Obviously I have every intention of eating salad because I'm buying the freaking neato container to do so.  This is not the only time these sorts of conversations have happened with me with total strangers.  It's just weird, at least to me.  Even though I have this blog, I really am one of these people who wants to do her weight-loss program quietly.  I tell people for the support I know they will give me, but I certainly don't want to be the center of attention while doing it.  When I write here, it is to get my feelings out but definitely not to draw attention to myself.  I don't know, it sort of annoyed me I think mostly because people can clearly see I struggle with weight when they see me.  Even though I am working on reversing that, it just bothers me that complete strangers think it's okay to have a conversation about weight loss with me.  Just my pet peeve.

On a positive note, I was up in the middle of the night last night/this morning (ha - that doesn't sound positive) and I happened to flip on the TV to an interview Valerie Bertinelli was doing on the Today show about how much gratitude she owes to Jenny Craig about her weight loss.  It was exactly what I needed to hear in the moment because I'm on a real kick with the program.  I'm feeling really good about my decision to go on it and am feeling pretty comfy with all the food now.  I never thought I'd say that!  It felt like a mound of food in the beginning and it still is a lot of food, but I'm really starting to get why we eat so much.  The weight is continuing to come off and I'm really excited about that.  It's nice to see that scale number get less and less each day.

Fitness challenges

I had a very long and exhausting day yesterday.  We had a college workshop yesterday in our counseling department of the high school where I work, the first one for our year.  With the help of one of our former students, we put together a workshop with other graduates to give advice to our juniors and seniors based on their experiences in college.  We had a huge turn-out, but there was a lot of work that went into it.  First off, I must say that the heat and humidity does not help someone who is larger.  You sweat more, that's just a fact of life.  I wasn't exactly wearing the lightest outfit either.  Add that to medication that makes you sweat as a lovely little side affect and you can use your imagination.  Oh, and our air conditioner at the school wasn't working in the room we were in.  So, imagine, 300+ bodies in a room, only fans available and I was constantly moving back and forth before the event for help with things that were coming up.  I finally went back to my office, turned on my fan and just sat there for a while during some of the workshop.  I did work at my desk, but I just couldn't stand it another minute in that hot room!  Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to complain.  I'm just expressing how uncomfortable I was.  By the time I got home last night, I had worked over a 12-hour day, I missed half the food I was supposed to eat because I was so busy and I was just ready to plop into bed.  This morning, thankfully, I'm going into work later, partly because I'm taking comp time and partly because I have a doctor's appointment.  So I was able to get in some good sleep.

Now, on to my fitness challenges.  Since joining Jenny Craig again, I decided that I was not going to "hide" behind a computer screen (which is so easy to do).  I decided, instead, to get involved with the online community in addition to my individual meetings with my consultant.  This way I know that I'm being active in my program and doing the best I can to give it my all.  The things that I have learned in my journey is that I need to honor what is going to keep me honest and the most successful in being healthier.  So, I am involved in one fitness challenge and am about to start another one.  The first fitness challenge is that a group of people online at JC's website are participating in a Halloween challenge.  The premise is that you determine what your goal will be - whether that is a certain weight loss, size or whatever - and post daily to support each other in how we are doing to achieve that goal.  That started yesterday and ends on Halloween.  So I put my goal as losing thirty pounds.  It's a lofty goal, I know, but it also feels more tangible than all the weight I need to lose in total.  My JC consultant advised me to set smaller goals since they all contribute to the overall weight-loss goal.  If I lose 30 pounds, fantastic!  If I don't, then I will be closer to achieving that goal.
My second challenge is inspired by what a few friends are doing on Facebook.  They are participating in a 30-day challenge that involves squats and lunges.  While I can't do that because of the pain in my legs, I thought that I could work on another body part.  So, starting today, I'm going to participate in a 30-day crunch challenge.  Because I have back issues, strengthening my core will be a really good thing for me.  Of course I'll continue doing my walking or other exercises that suit me, but I think this challenge will be good to keep me moving and consistently taking care of my body.  Here's what the challenge entails.

There is a website that shows how to do the challenge and the proper form for the crunches.  They let you break the crunches up so you don't have to do them all in one fell swoop.  That's good because look at how many crunches I have to do on day 29!  Now off to start my day.

Been struggling the last week

I have to admit that I'm feeling out of sorts right now.  In the last week, I have felt just plain bored.  B-O-R-E-D.  It might be because I know I have a semester in between finishing my undergrad program and starting graduate school.  Unstructured time sometimes gets me in real trouble.  I have even contemplated stopping my posts on this blog and taking the blog down.  Why?  Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say, other times I feel like it's because I think I have failed.  I have moments where I really, really want to go back on Optifast.  Never mind the fact that it made me very sick and that I have some medical problems now I am convinced are as a result of the product, I still know I lost a ton of weight.  No, it's not the solution.  Having gone on the product and having lost 190 pounds (I think that was the final number I had lost), it actually would be pretty crazy for me to do it again.  I'm not saying people are crazy for doing it, but having had the experience of the medical problems as well as losing so much weight only to see a big amount pile back on, I realize in the deepest part of me that going back on the shakes is not going to solve the weight problem.  I will still be faced with the same issues, if not more, whenever it is that I would transition back on to food.  People contact me all the time on this blog to talk to me about Optifast.  If you do a search on the Internet for it, my site does pop up.  Hindsight being 20/20, I would not do it again and I very easily can ... I have a ton of packets left in my house.  The truth is that if I don't fix the inside, then the outside is a mess, too.

I know I have been doing a huge amount of comparing.  The worst part is that I'm not comparing myself against other people more than I am comparing myself against me at my lowest weight about a year ago.  Let me describe an example to illustrate my point.  A year ago, when we were doing registration at our high school for the upcoming school year, I was literally the talk of the volunteers at the registration tables because of my huge transformation.  Obviously many people hadn't seen me over the summer, but a lot hadn't seen me for months before that unless they came to our high school to meet with me on something.  I had parents stopping me in the middle of the campus and just gawk at my new body.  Fast forward a year to last week when we had registration.  I had people eyeing me up and down, without saying a word to me, very clearly judging me on the weight gain.  They weren't trying to be blatant, but it was humiliating.  And what was I supposed to say, stop staring at me?  Tomorrow our teachers will be back on campus and I don't want to participate in our welcome back staff meeting/lunch even though I know I have to participate.  I feel like a big loser with a "L" on my forehead.  I know I'm not, but it's just how I feel.  Can you see now why the idea of going back on Optifast seemed enticing?

Intellectually, I know it's calories in and calories out but my heart doesn't deal in common sense equations.  It aches for how things were when I was thinner.  Even then, I was still overweight, but I sure felt light as a rail in comparison to how I feel now.  There is still a lot of fight left in me, though.  I am spilling my guts here right now, that's true, but it's the best way for me to move forward - doing so honestly.  I have so many people who are in my corner, supporting me and holding my hand as I go through this difficulty.  They know I can do it, I just wish I felt as confident inside.  More than anything, I do want to be healthier.  The physical pain I live with will be better with less weight on my body.  Heck, even painting my toe nails will be easier without a tummy in the way of getting it done.  Life is so much more enjoyable in every way possible when I love and carer for myself as I do for other people.

So, I'm going to commit to something right now: I will post on this blog each day during the week this coming week, even if I think I have nothing to say.  That's the way I was feeling when I started this post and look at all I managed to write about.  I really don't want to hide because of any shame or guilt I may be feeling.  I'm a human being and, like many others, I am walking through the struggle of being healthier but I also am a fighter and I don't give up either.  If I had, I wouldn't be here typing my thoughts away.  This is not an easy thing to walk through and, if anything, I know people are seeing that through reading about my story.  I haven't gained all my weight back, far from it actually, and I praise God for that.  Thank you, Father.  So now I keep on walking down the path I am supposed to be on, wherever it will take me.

Yes, I followed through

I started my summer classes today.  I'm taking a third level Spanish class and an intro Comm class.  The Comm classes feels so silly to me - it's a requirement for my undergrad major but I've taken junior and senior level Comm classes, yet I'm being forced to take this intro class.  Whatever, though - I know I can do it.  The Spanish class had me freaking out a little bit because I felt totally unprepared.  I haven't had Spanish in 3 years and I just had this vision of Profe kicking me out of the class because I couldn't speak a lick of Spanish.  Of course that didn't happen, I can speak Spanish and it was perfectly fine.  Actually, both the classes will be manageable but there is so much busy work.  I'm taking them at two different community colleges and I definitely notice the difference between them and university courses that I just finished.  I know I can handle it though, especially since I'm not working while doing the classes.

Afterwards, I went to my doctor's appointment.  No, I didn't cancel like I wanted to so many times yesterday and even this morning.  I had to wait a long time to see her, longer than usual, so it helped me have the time I needed to pull myself together.  I just felt super emotional.  I felt like she was going to judge me for having gained weight and tell me to exercise harder.  I don't know why I have her associated with a drill sergeant in my head.  She's never been like that with me.  I think it's more my stuff and not hers.  She did notice the weight gain and we talked about it and other issues I've been having.  She looked at me and just said, "You have had a lot going on in the last six months, haven't you?"  I swear, at that moment, the tears started to well in my eyes.  Yes, I've had a ton going on medically and I'm just doing my best to hold it together.  We talked about the pain in my legs, intestinal stuff and the appointment with the surgeon that I have on Thursday.  She actually spent a lot of time with me and we made a plan for me to get my blood sugar back down.  It's been climbing in the last few months, no matter how perfect my food has been.  That's what happens at a higher weight.  She reminded me that there was a time that I needed no medication so we want to work to make that a goal.  It was a really good visit and I'm glad I went.

Sometimes the reality of a situation is completely different than what I have built up in my mind.  I'm sure the five people reading this can relate.  Okay, I know more than 5 people read my blog but it helps me to stay my authentic self instead of worrying about being perfect when I really know hundreds read this space every day.  Perfectionism is such a dangerous thing for me to live in.  I notice that so much these days, especially when I compare myself when I was on Optifast versus where I am now.  It's really apples and oranges and I do myself a huge disservice by doing the comparison thing.  I know that I'm not going to be able to lose 80 pounds during the summer.  Perhaps that might have been a reality on Optifast (perhaps not), but I'm not on that program any longer.  I'm right here, right now - flawed, totally imperfect and still a good and decent person.  I need to always remember that it's one step at a time, one day at a time.  My body will get healthier and smaller one pound at a time, not ten pounds at a time.  My doctor did give me a really big compliment today.  While we did talk about weight gain, she commended me on the fact that I have been able to keep so much of the weight off, that I didn't gain it all back.  She said she sees so many patients that go on Optifast and then promptly gain it all back and I haven't done that.  Miss Sara reminded me of that, too, when I walked with her yesterday (thanks for that!).  I'm still clawing.  I hope you are, too.

Surprising results

It's been a few days since I've posted.  I've been in a procrastination mode and I'm not exactly sure why.  Last week I had no school because it was Spring Break for my college and the week before that it was Spring Break for the school district I work in.  I'm always bouncing around like a pinball from here to there with so much going on that I guess a little leeway was before me and I took a mile.  We all need to take it easy sometimes, though.  Given how crazy, stressful and other lovely adjectives the last couple of years have been, it's not surprising that sometimes all I want to do is veg out.  Now I have to bust it to get some reading done for my classes this week.  And when I mean reading, I mean an entire novel and several textbook chapters.  Bleh. 

Oh well ;-)  On to my surprising results.  With the weight gain that had come on, I have had to adjust to changes that occur when that happens, just like I did when I had lost so much weight so fast.  I am on a steady downward trend with my weight, which I'm super thrilled with, but it's a much different experience than it was on Optifast.  Duh to that!  Everything is a much different experience given I was dropping weight in crazy amounts.  45 pounds down the first month will never happen again, I'm sure.  Now I'm focusing on a very healthy weight loss of 1-2 pounds a week, although I actually am losing more than that but my expectation is not 10 pounds a week any longer.  One of the things that happened when I was on Optifast was that my type 2 diabetes seemed to go into remission.  My blood sugar numbers were always fabulous and even dipped too low.  But being at a heavier weight has meant that I have had to add a little bit of medication back into my system to help keep the numbers normal.  I accepted that, although begrudgingly.  With the help of that medication, my numbers are normal. 

So anyway, it was time for me to refill my prescription.  I was supposed to pick up this medication, along with another one, this past Friday.  But when I went to the pharmacy, they only had one ready and it was not the one to help with the blood sugar.  They made a mistake and said it would be available today or tomorrow.  I was understanding, mistakes happen sometimes, but I went into a little bit of fear because I thought to myself, "Oh no, what do I do now?  It's not like I can just buy a pill at Walmart."  I just reminded myself, though, that I can do what I have been doing - weighing and measuring my portions, writing everything down that I eat and continuing to be honest.  Even when I don't want to be because perhaps I didn't make the best decision, I still would diligently track everything.  It's amazing, actually, how much freedom there is in that in a weird way.  Actually, three ounces of protein is a lot when you really have balanced meals.  Since I'm doing Weight Watchers now, I'm not being crazy with counting calories.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying counting calories is crazy.  It's just that, for me, that sort of action makes me feel so anxious, like I'm the food police or something.  With WW, there's just points.  I still measure out or weigh what I'm eating, but it's just much more breathable for me.  So I spent the weekend paying more attention than ever to planning out my meals really well, always aware of what I was choosing to see how it would affect my blood sugar.  I still had fantastic and delicious meals, but they were portioned out.

What was absolutely amazing to me was that, every time I checked my blood sugar, it was normal.  It's not as if I didn't have any carbs with my meals because I'm forbidden by my dietitian to go low-carb.  As a diabetic, I need a certain amount of carbs for energy since that fuels my body but it's the right kind of carbs that makes the difference.  Now, my numbers were on the higher side of normal, but make no mistake, they were normal.  My numbers should be somewhere between 80-120 if I haven't eaten anything in four hours and they were always in the range.  I almost didn't know what to make of it, until I started looking at my log where I write down my numbers.  With the medication, my blood sugar is on the low end of normal or just below normal.  Without it, it's on the upper end of normal.  What that has shown me over time is that weight does make a difference.  I know we all know this ... doctors have been telling me this all my life, of course.  But I could definitely see something tangible in my own body.  With continued weight loss, I can see that my need for the medication will be reduced, if not eliminated, just as it eventually was when I was doing Optifast.  When I started, it took a while for my diabetes medication to be eliminated, but it eventually was. 

This is really encouraging to me and maybe to other people as well.  My weight loss has been a hard-fought battle that I have won sometimes, lost sometimes but that I have not given up on.  It's been hard because people definitely regard me differently at a higher weight than my lowest when I was on Optifast.  My struggles with medications causing weight gain coupled with the frustration of that and chronic pain brought back some struggles I have had with emotional eating.  Yet, I'm not letting it be the victor, I promise that.  Yes, I have gained back some of the weight I worked so hard to lose.  That has been humiliating, painful and has made me feel very sad.  When I have talked about how I really feel about it, down deep inside, I am left with a lot of tears.  Those that have been obese, morbidly obese or some other label of overweight know the pain I'm talking about.  You know all too well.  But, like all scrappy fighters, I have gotten up and refused to wave the white flag.  I am reminded of Sylvester Stalone as Rocky when I think of my fight.  I have these images of him in the ring, just jacked up from the other opponent pummeling him but, dang it, he is still in there fighting.  I am not where I used to be and I can honestly say there's more to that than just the words.  It's a different world for me now.  I may be in pain, but I fight through it to get my exercise in.  I can see the benefits of being careful of what I'm eating.  And, as much as I'm working on the outside, I'm focusing on the inside, too.  That place is just as important.  If the inside gets healed, so does the outside.  One foot in front of the other is how I'll get there, especially with the amount of support I have from those that have loved me no matter what. 

Staying in the moment

Sometimes the most difficult thing for me to do is to stay in the moment.  That could be in both positive and negative situations.  What I do is either project into the future or play the "what if" game with events that have already happened.  Here's a case in point to illustrate what I mean.

Two years ago, I was having lunch off-campus from the high school where I work.  Sometimes I do leave campus for lunch, which I am absolutely permitted to do, either to just have some alone time or to go grab something to eat.  A job at a high school is definitely a stressful one, no matter what your role, and there are times when you just need some quiet time even if you love what you do.  Trust me, it's generally not a job for someone that needs to be in a quiet space all the time.  On a particular day two years ago, that's just want I needed.  I went out to have some lunch and ate it in my car while I listened to NPR to find out what was happening out in the world.  When I was done, I put the lunch in a bag, put on

my seat belt and proceeded to start the car.  The only problem was that it wouldn't start when I attempted to turn the key.  I suspected it was a bad battery.  I tried to find people to jump my car, but no one had cables and all I got when I tried to call people was their voicemail.  I ended up having to call a tow truck so that I could get a jump and then take the car to have it looked at.  In my mind, I was thinking about all the things I was missing at work and about what I did to make this happen in the first place.  Surely it had to be my fault, I thought.  Never mind the fact that I had no idea how old the battery was when I bought this used car.  No, rational thinking was not part of my head conversation in that moment.  And all I wanted to do was eat, even though I had just finished having lunch.  It was just very uncomfortable sitting there, trying to stay in the moment.  In fact, I sort of hated it. I eventually got everything taken care of and, yes, it was the battery.

Now, have I learned anything facing that sort of situation in these two years?  Let's see ... I started out my morning feeling really great with glorious sleep.  I had a nice breakfast and was ready to start my day.  Even the new medication I've been taking has really been helping with no side effects and the added benefit of helping with my leg pain.  While it's still with me, it's much more manageable.  So I practically skipped out to my car (okay, I didn't really skip but didn't the image just pop in your head??).  I went to get it started and, boom, it wouldn't turn over.  The same exact thing happened that I faced two years ago.  I tried for a few minutes but nothing was working.  Thankfully I was at home, so I wasn't stranded anywhere.  I was grateful for that!  I went in the house and calmly tried to remember who lives near me that is up at that time of day that could possibly give me a jump.  I was able to find someone who sent her husband over with his jumper cables and working battery.  While I was waiting for him, I calmly watched Good Morning America, my kitties purred next to me and I just sat in peace.  I wasn't happy about this development, but what could I do?  I didn't go to the thought that I did something wrong and I didn't worry about things out of my control.  I sent an e-mail on my iPhone to my office to let them know what was going on.  In no time, my friend's husband came, I was able to drive over to the place where I had the battery changed and it was still under warranty, so that means it was free to me.  They did have to test it to make sure it wasn't the alternator but I was out of there in about an hour and headed off to work.

This was a big lesson for me in remembering that I don't have to react in an extreme manner and that I actually can sit in the moment.  I wasn't rifling around in the kitchen looking for food to soothe an anxiousness I may have been feeling.  I was as calm as a cucumber.  This doesn't mean I always react so sedately to situations.  It's still very difficult for me to not want to munch on excess food in the evenings.  It's my worst time of day in terms of the food calling me.  In those moments, I need to remember that if I just put one foot in front of the other, I can get through it.  Habits took time to develop, so they will take time to change, too.  I pray that the more times I can get through those dicey moments without succumbing to the enticement of the food, the easier it will become.  Who knows, maybe it will always be a struggle for me, as it is for many people.  I just want to have tools at my disposal to help me get through those moments.  Having the battery die on the car is not the worst thing in the world by far, but it can be anything that sends a person to eat if that's how they've learned to be in the moment.  There could be a really good reason to eat or just out of sheer boredom.  Therein lies the mystery of the call of the food.  As they say in 12-step programs, "It's cunning, baffling and powerful." 

Supportive circle is so important

There are moments where I get reminded how very precious the people in my life really are to me and how blessed I am to feel their arms around me.  Yesterday, on a previous post and on my Facebook page, I put up a request for prayers as I begin another new medication in hopes that it will help with the depression and pain in my legs.  My Facebook page is a personal page, not associated with this blog, so the people that know me there know me on a closer level.  Although I must say that the things I write about here are very personal so regular readers probably know me well, too!  It was so touching to have so many people reach out to me, let me know they were praying for the removal of the pain and my continued strength to move forward.  I have had people who were supportive who changed their tunes when I had weight gain.  That's disappointing and it has hurt, but the true test is people who will still be there through the tough times. 

I have gotten to see how others view me, not on a physical level, but who I am as a person.  My case in point is a gift a received for my birthday back in December.  It was a small Christmas tree, the kind that comes in it's own pot.  It came with a string of paper ornaments.  On each one was a personal note to me.  This gift, which was by far the most precious thing I received for my birthday, maybe ever, was given to me by my friends at work.  The organizer of this, who also reads this blog (hi special friend!), had everyone in the office of the high school where I work write a personal message to me. The tree is now deader than a doornail, so it was time to let it go, but I kept the string of messages.  They were all such beautiful messages about inspiration, perseverance, my character and just how much I mean to them.  It wasn't just about weight loss, it was so much more.  These are people who have known me over the years, some who have known me for a great number of years.  They have seen me at my heaviest, breathing heavy, sweating because of the excess weight, the out of control diabetes, the attempts at diet after diet, my fight against pain, my triumph over cancer ... just so much.  They have watched me meet challenge after challenge.  They have laughed with me, prayed with me and have encouraged me.  Most of all, they have surrounded me with so much support and love that I certainly could never repay.  The best thing I can do is to continue to move forward and hopefully give to others what they have given to me.

I can't express adequately enough how important it has been to me to have that support because weight loss is an incredibly difficult journey.  It's one thing to lose the weight, but it's another to deal with the emotions that come up throughout the process.  You get to really see how confident you are, how you view yourself deep down inside.  It's a highly personal process.  Sometimes, when I'm writing a post for this blog, I wonder if I really have the nerve to actually post what I've written because I bare my soul here.  Yet I have found that its that level of honesty that helps me be my genuine self and does affect others as well.  So I can't be bothered by the large number of visitors to the site.  Bothered is not even the right word, but just letting the numbers intimidate me into being quiet.  I'm so glad others get something out of my story and my journey.  As difficult as it is right now, I am not hiding out.  This process is not a quick one and it's not a once-and-done proposition either.  It takes sacrifice, commitment and a baring of my soul that I've avoided doing for too long.  It's kind of scary in one sense but absolutely freeing on the other.

Ability to laugh at myself

I went to bed waaay too late last night.  I think I finally went to sleep around 3 a.m.  I've been on vacation this week so I can do that, but it throws my entire day off.  I ate breakfast at 10:30 and wanted to get a workout in at the gym and run some errands before I had to go to my class.  I've been in so much pain lately with leg issues that I know I needed the workout today.  I kept telling myself that I need to take it easier if I'm feeling pain while I'm working out and that I can pull back at any point.  Normally what I do is stretching at home since I wince through the whole thing that I'd rather not have people staring at me while I do it.  I can't quite describe the pain I'm living with adequately enough, but just trust me when I say it is debilitating.  Yet, I know that this is what I'm dealing with so I'm trying to do the absolute best I can.  So, after I get to the gym, I usually do a 5K on the treadmill and then about 20 minutes on the recumbent bike.  Then I'll do stretching exercises again at home.  I do my strength training at home as well.  I have a ton of resistance bands, one of those balls you sit on, and weights for arms and legs.  I clip out strength training routines from fitness magazines I get and use those to help me follow proper form and technique.  For right now, this is the path that feels the most comfortable for me.  When I don't go to the gym, I do walking outdoors.

So, I hopped on one of the treadmills and started out in warm-up mode.  My legs were hurting, but I just kept telling myself that it will feel better once I get going.  I have put music in my iPhone that really gets me moving, so that helps me with pace.  I can't run because of the osteoarthritis in my knees, so I walk anywhere between 3.0-3.7 mph on a random hill course.  I make it sort of like circuit training where I'll go slower then kick it up for a song, then back down, then back up.  That really gets my heart pumping and leaving me sweaty.  However, today, my legs were in so much freakin pain that I felt like every step was like torture.  I did slow down a little bit, but I finally had to wave the white flag at 2.77 miles, short of the 3.2 miles I usually go.  But my poor legs felt like they were on fire and I was starting to lose my footing a little bit with my left leg that I just told myself, no, you have to stop right now and that is perfectly okay.  I skipped the bike and went straight out to my car.  I started it, sat in the driver's seat and just cried into my hands.  The pain was unbelievable and the only release I could have were those tears.  I know that continuing to lose weight is going to help with the severity of the pain, but I had it with me at my smallest weight.  So many people who see that I have lost weight assume I'm feeling so much better.  With my overall health, yes, things are so much better.  But when it comes to all of my pain issues, no, I'm in the most pain I've ever been in. 

Now, I'm not saying all of that with any regret.  It's just that, as I continue to move forward, I am dealing with the extreme challenge of significant pain.  I am doing my best to stay in as positive a place as I can be in.  If the doctors have said this is chronic pain that may or may not get better, then the best I can do is follow their directions about how best to manage the pain.  One of the big things is to get regular cardiovascular, low-impact aerobic exercise, which I'm getting through walking and the bike.  However, I think it's now time for me to pull back with the intensity.  When I plugged in my ActiveLink, it showed me actually running for 30 minutes.  Obviously I wasn't running, but at the higher pace coupled with the intensity, it looks like I was running.  I'm a very black or white person in a lot of ways, which is something I continue to work on, so my mindset has been that if I'm going to exercise, then I'm really going to exercise.  But, if I'm left sobbing into my hands because it hurts so much, I think it's time that I go slower and spend more time doing the stretching and strength training.

After all of that, I was in a pretty emotional place, so I told myself that I needed to go home, take a shower, have a healthy lunch and then get out of my house to go run my errands.  One of the things I needed to do was return some clothes I bought that are too big on me at both Walmart and Kohl's.  They are next to each other in a strip mall nearby, so I had to gather up the clothes and receipts.  No problem on the items for Walmart.  However, I had bought two pairs of jeans at Kohl's and could not find the receipt for the life of me.  I was hunting everywhere in my house.  I dumped out my purse, looked through my receipt drawer, went through stacks of paperwork on my desk ... nothing.  It was driving me absolutely batty.  That was $75 that I could get back.  I finally decided to just try my luck at Kohl's without the receipt.  I remembered that I had a bag on the floor of my bedroom that was big so I could stick the jeans in there to return.  I looked at the bag and saw that it was the one from Kohl's and then I thought to myself, Hold on, maybe the receipt is still in the bag!!  And wouldn't you know it, there it was just waiting for me.  Seriously, I probably spent a good hour searching my house for that receipt.  After the physical and emotional pain I was suffering with my legs, it was a source of intense comic relief that I absolutely needed in that moment.  It really helped me see that this is all going to be okay.  The weight loss, the pain in my body ... I am doing the best I can and God is seeing me through all of it.

Tomorrow morning I'm taking my mom to my auto mechanic to get her car fixed and I'll be paying her bill because it's just too big for her to handle right now.  But that's okay.  I have the money and I want her to be safe driving in the car.  She works a second shift so she doesn't get out of work until 11:30 p.m. so I don't want to be worrying about her getting stranded on the side of the road in the middle of the night.  Our relationship has definitely evolved from those extremely rough years when I was growing up.  We had a period of 12 years where we didn't speak after that and so now we're in a much better space.  She has her issues and I have mine, but we respect each other as adults.  I won't be giving her the cash to fix the car, but I will be by her side to help her get it fixed.  Getting healthier is not just about taking care of my body but having healthier relationships, too.  My relationship with my mom today is the epitome of that.

The power of acupuncture

If you have never had an acupuncture treatment before, I highly recommend it.  It is one of the most relaxing yet deeply spiritual things I've ever done for my body and my soul.  I'm going through the treatments to help with the pain that is always coursing through my body.  Somehow, though, my acupuncturist has this ability to make the tears come out.  She does it before she even lays a hand on my body.  We always sit and talk before she does her work and today I was telling her about everything that has been going on with the pain I've been feeling, the quieting down of the stress around the worker's comp injuries, not being able to sleep well and my body recovering from the toll of being on Optifast products for the better part of a year.  While I lost a ton of weight on the program, there were some negative side effects that I personally went through, one of which was the threat of fainting every time I would arise from a sitting position and another other was the loss of my hair.  I went through other things, too, but those things are enough.  Somehow, all the feelings of everything I have been going through in the last year, let alone the few before that, just came out in a flood of tears that I wasn't prepared for.  I've just been so stressed out, teetering on the edge of collapse I think.  Valentine's Day didn't help me because as I was cleaning out my office the night before and found a picture of my ex-boyfriend on my desk.  He broke my heart and shattered it into a million pieces.  Most of the time I'm fine and I can move forward knowing it's for the best that he is no longer in my life and then at other times it still hurts just as it did when things were still going on. Oh that cowardly bastard, but perhaps that's a story for another time.

It's not as if things are going badly in my life.  Things are actually moving forward and I'm doing the best I can to live in a healthy manner in body, mind and spirit.  But we all have our breaking points. A person can only take so much and I really feel like I've had my fill in the last few years to last me a lifetime.  So, when I was talking with the acupuncturist and she spoke to me in such a compassionate manner, I just found tears falling onto my cheeks.  Today, given how emotionally raw I was, she wanted to spend some time working on my spirit because she told me she could tell I was sad and feeling depressed.  I don't know ... am I?  I haven't put that label necessarily on it, but maybe I am.  I do have some of the symptoms.  And who could blame me if I was.  She told me to lie face up on the table and she would be back shortly.  So, while I waited for her, the tears just kept falling.  I suppose it was a safe place for me to feel whatever I was feeling.  By the time she came back in, they had stopped.  She put needles in unusual places today, on my earlobes and on the outer ridge of my ears.  I just relaxed though, completely trusting the process and letting whatever I was holding inside go.  It was such a calming experience and just what I needed. 

I tend to hold so much inside of me and do a pretty good job most of the time covering up how I'm really doing.  I'm not intentionally covering things up for the most part, but I suppose that has been my nature my entire life.  When I was a child and being abused, I always covered the truth up because I knew, even as a little girl, that the truth would tear apart our family, that it would hurt more than the physical pain of the abuse.  So I became the brave little girl who faced the world in her perfect little dresses with perfect little ponytails and a great big smile always on her cute and sweet little face.  No one would ever guess what was going on behind a closed door.  As an adult, I can see that I do the same thing ... I hold things in because the truth of whatever is inside is what I have held onto for my entire life.  As I get closer to the time that I will meet with the therapist, I am becoming more aware that it is going to be a process of a lot of self-discovery and perhaps dredging up of pain before I can  then move past it enough to finally let it go.  I'm not sitting here in blame of the one or two people who abused me because it was a long time ago and they were sick individuals, but if you don't tell anyone what's going on, where does the pain go?  Now, I'm trying to do things differently but then that means that sometimes things just come gushing out, like with the acupuncturist today.  Yet, I would rather have that than be diving into a carton of ice cream.  I deserve so much better than that.  Let's face it, we all do. 

Who knew that the act of weight loss would be such a soul-searching process.  I sure didn't.  I just wanted to feel healthier.  Yet I know that to feel physically healthier means I will need to dig into why the weight came on in the first place and why it stayed with me for my entire life.  I'm 41 now and I can say with every ounce of certainty in my body that I'm utterly willing to let it go.  I don't want to hurt  in the way I did when I was at my heaviest.  I wish that on no one.  Can you imagine the sort of pain a person has to be living in to weigh 420 pounds, especially as a woman?  Yet, I'm willing to go there because I don't want to be the person of having the experience of weighing 520 pounds or even more.  Who knows what the stopping point is.

Now I'm on a break from work for a week. I made no plans for this week except to ensure I'm getting in some good exercise each day.  I still have class during the week, but it will be nice to spend some time just getting the sleep I don't normally get, maybe visiting with some friends and who knows what else.  It's a week of vacation that I really need and a week I know I'm incredibly grateful for.