Been Miss Sicky this week

Well, I was supposed to return to work this past Thursday, October 2nd, but that didn't work out so well.  I got really sick and actually thought I had strep throat.  I ended up going to see a doctor to make sure because, if I did, I would have to stay home.  Since I work in a high school and that is highly contagious, that would be horrible.  The doctor I saw, who is not one I usually see, was excellent at being gentle when he swabbed my mouth.  They did two tests, one that had instant results and another that would send cultures to the lab to be on the safe side.  I was negative so he determined that I had a virus and should stay out of work to heal, especially after recovering from major surgery.  After contacting my surgeon's office, we felt it was best that I wait to return until after I see him for a follow-up appointment on Monday.  I've been trying my best to stay at home, don't do things to make my illness worse and just put myself in the best shape to return to work.  I was really disappointed, but I also agreed that it was for the best.

During the week, my blood sugar dropped incredibly low, down to 44, in the middle of the night.  I am so grateful for the amazing work the body can do in protecting against death.  44 is very dangerous and could lead to a diabetic coma.  Thankfully, my body was doing it's job when it started sweating and shaking, waking me up from sleep.  The hard part of it was dealing with getting my blood sugar up and keeping it there.  It went from 44 back up to 107, down to 55 and up again to 85 throughout the night, despite my best efforts.  The next day left it on the lower side as well.  The weird thing is why it happened in the first place ... I don't have any clue.  It's one of the things I need to discuss with my surgeon on Monday.  I've also had more dumping.  I think this makes it nine times now that it's happened.  I'm not eating sweets or anything like that to cause the typical dumping to occur.  Mine has been focused around food that has turned out to be too dry.  I am having to experiment and find different ways of preparing things.  For example, I can only have 1 ounce of crab before I feel like I'm about to dump.  However, if I put it in the food processor and make it into crab salad with light mayo or some sort of sauce, I can have more and I'm perfectly fine.  Dumping is an awful experience, that's for sure.  As I progress, I'm learning to spot warning signs and to really listen to my body.  It speaks to me if I just stop to listen.  Sometimes, though, that's the hardest thing to do.  I don't know about you, but life gets very busy and it's difficult to stop and listen but it's also what I need to do.  I'm trying to do things that will help me change habits that no longer serve me.  Taking care of myself has never been a priority and now I see that is the most important thing.  If I don't have my health, I can't be there for other people, let alone myself.

Oh goody, we get to go to the beach

When I got up this morning, I just wanted to be lazy.  I mean, don't leave the house, be like a vegetable lazy.  I had texted a friend last night about going walking today and she couldn't go, so it was really enticing to just stay inside today.  We can all have our off days, that's for sure.  Then I remembered that I sort of had one of those days yesterday.  It's a bad habit for me to get into because I have had times in my life where I did hole up in my house for the weekend, avoiding life and going on food binges.  I don't want to be reminded of those times, let alone relive it.

So I pushed myself and got going out to the beach.  That's my favorite place to go walking.  Every time I drive over the hill and see the beach in the horizon, I feel like a little kid inside.  "Oh goody, we get to go to the beach!!"  Walking next to the pounding surf is so relaxing and is a lifter for anyone having a down day.  I wasn't having a down day at all, but I just felt so happy to be there, along with hundreds of others doing the exact same thing.

 

That water looks so good, doesn't it?  I finished the day having done 15,000 steps and feel amazing.  I'm so grateful I took the time today to not be lazy, but get my body moving outdoors at my favorite place in the world.

Water Challenge Day 92:  Drank 144 of 178 ounces

Very interesting Easter and cleansing my body

I am always so moved by Easter.  As a Christian, it is a day of rejoicing and feeling the Spirit alive inside.  I can't have a bad day if I am remaining focused in God's love for me.  Even after what happened today.

My mom has been with me all weekend and, when she came on Good Friday, I asked her if she would come to church with me today.  I was baptized as a Roman Catholic and practiced that faith for a while as a kid, along with other things.  After a certain age, my parents never took us to church but they always said we could go with friends if we liked.  So I went along with friends to Baptist, Catholic and Lutheran churches, as well as even a stint at a Kingdom Hall with Jehovah Witnesses.  There is also a Jewish history in the family not too far back.  If all of this is as confusing as it seems while I'm typing this, you can understand the long road I traveled to find my own faith in a non-denomination Christian church that believes in the Bible.  Asking my mother to come to church with me was a big deal.  She hasn't been inside the walls of a church since I was child.  When she said she would, I was, of course, extremely delighted.  She was incredibly nervous, convinced she wasn't wearing clothes that were appropriate or that the walls would come crumbling down, so I held her hand as we walked in.  It was actually so sweet ... here was a child holding her mother's hand for comfort.

The service was amazing and my mom was really getting into it.  My friend, who goes to church with me every week, was explaining things to her as we went along.  She even picked up a Bible afterwards and said that she would like to go again with us.  I was so happy by that and really felt God's blessing on all of us.  In the parking lot, my friend and I were parked in the same row with my car in front of hers.  She pulled out and left room for me to pull out in front of her, honking at me to let me know it was safe to proceed.  I made sure it was safe to do so since there are always a lot of people walking behind the cars with such a big church.  I was halfway out when - BAM - I got hit by another car.  I drive a SUV and the other driver was in a truck.  So we all pulled back in and got out of our cars.

The man who hit my car came over apologetically and admitted he was in the wrong.  After we all made sure everyone was okay, we started exchanging information.  The funny thing was that I was at peace with what happened.  Clearly the most important thing is that no one is injured.  Never have I experienced a car accident before where the other driver was so quick to admit fault.  I guess, if you're going to get in an accident, the parking lot of a church with people who have just been through Easter services is the place where you'll find forgiveness and peace (although, of course, I don't recommend getting in an accident!).

After I reported what happened to my insurance company, my mom and I proceeded to go out to our destination.  She wanted to go to an Easter buffet so that no one would have to cook.  I agreed to it originally, even though I wasn't too keen on going to a buffet, because she really wanted to go.  Perhaps there was a secret part of me that wanted to go as well because I knew there would be good food.  They do have a great selection with top of the line choices (think lobster, prime rib, etc.), so I knew there would be a lot of choice there.  I filled up one plate, which wasn't horrid, but I did go up for some dessert after that.  Yes, I know I shouldn't have done that.  I haven't been eating sweets, but somewhere in my head I rationalized that, hey, it's Easter and we were just in a car accident after all.  I mean, I deserve it after all of that, right?

I know ... wrong.  Very wrong.

After we left and got home, I felt sick to my stomach.  I had food that I don't normally eat, like lobster, and way too much dessert.  I had two huge cookies and a creme brullee.  I can eat those things out of my house and not have the desire to keep on eating them once I get home as long as the stuff isn't in my house, but oh my gosh did I feel bad.  I started logging everything into MyFitnessPal after my mom left.  I had to do that to keep myself accountable and really honest.  I am committed to doing that, no matter what.  After I logged in everything for my lunch, I ate 947 calories and 70 grams of carbs.  Shit!  It could have been much worse, but it wasn't great.

I beat myself up for a few minutes after I saw what I did, then I knew what I had to do - work it off.  So I burned over 1,000 calories in exercise.  I was dripping in sweat, but it felt so good to cleanse my body and take such good care of it.  As I stood in the shower afterwards, I knew that things have definitely shifted in my life.  Before, when I would have done something like that, it would have been license for me to continue eating, rationalizing that I had already messed up so I could keep on going.  This time I said, nope, work it off.  That is such a major shift in my life.  This was one meal in the course of a great week with my food. It's not the end of the world and I did take care of myself in the end.

Like I said, very interesting Easter.

Water Challenge Day 86:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces 

Being a tourist in your own town

I have lived in San Diego for 39 years, practically all of my life.  Yet, I do know I tend to take it for granted that I live in such a gorgeous county.  I can drive to the beach, desert or mountains all in the same day.  We have so many lovely places to visit that cause tourist to flock to us all the time.  With my mom spending the weekend with me, I woke up today and said, "Let's go to Old Town.  We'll be tourists!"

Old Town San Diego is known as the birthplace of California.  As you can imagine, there is a lot of fantastic history in a city that now has over 3 million people in it.  I have been exploring in Old Town probably five times in my life and my mom has only been there once.  I knew there would be lots of great museums and great walking with fabulous weather and it just didn't disappoint.

We had a great time and got lots of walking in.  What was sad, though, was how critical I was being of myself when I was taking a look at the last picture above.  All I could focus in on was my arms and how much weight I have to lose.  Looking at these pictures now helps me remember that I am working on it and taking action towards having a healthier life.  Weight is coming off and that feels good.  I'm even wearing pants right now that are getting lose on me.  That feels amazing.  I have to remember that in the moment and not to be so mean towards myself with such horrible self-talk.  I will get there, I just need to keep doing the work.  I'm almost 70 pounds down from my highest weight so I need to remember it has been much, much worse.

Water Challenge Day 85:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

The beach beckons me and 33 miles

I was so excited to get going this morning because I knew that I was going to head out to the beach to get in some exercise.  I was hoping to have a friend go with me, but that didn't work out.  I absolutely love walking at the beach.  I feel so connected to God there, watching the majesty of the waves as they lap the shore.  I have lived in California since I was three years old and grew up on the beach, yet I never tire of it.

Can you blame me for being so excited to go walking?  There were even dolphins out there past the surfers, which is not something we see so close to the shore very often.  Maybe this year I'll actually get a bathing suit and go in the water.  When I was on Optifast and lost a lot of weight, I had a ton of loose skin on my thighs so I resorted to getting a tankini with a skirt.  I found a pretty short one, so it actually wasn't bad at all.  Last year, I didn't even get into a bathing suit.  I know it's because I felt so shameful about the state my body was in after gaining so much weight back.  I also have a huge scar on my back from the surgery to remove cancer (melanoma) and I'm conscious of that, too.  Yet, I really missed being in the water.

This was the last day of Spring Break for me.  As I reflect on everything I did this week, I am proud of myself for not doing what I have done in the past - sitting on my butt and isolating inside my house.  I've rationalized before that I'm on break so I deserve to just sit around and do nothing.  The truth is that I did that because I didn't really have friends to hang out with or because I chose food over everything else.  I remember times when vacation meant I could eat all I wanted all day long because I didn't have to worry about seeing anybody or doing anything I didn't want to do.  Anything to pull me away from being able to eat at my leisure can be classified as "anything I didn't want to do".  It amazes me how many times I passed up participating in life because my addiction to sugar, salt and fat was much more compelling.  That wasn't the case for me this week.  I got together with friends and did a lot of active things.  Over the course of this week, I walked and jogged 33 miles.  Okay, the jogging was just in my house when I wanted to increase my steps, but still!  I am damn proud of myself.  Not only that but my food has been really clean and healthy.  I'm not ashamed for anyone to look at my food diary on MyFitnessPal because I have absolutely nothing to hide.  That's an amazing feeling :-)

Water Challenge Day 80:  178 of 178 ounces 

The bigger issues of weight loss

I had all sorts of lofty goals when I returned home from work yesterday.  I was going to do some work in my backyard, go for a walk and sort through some paperwork in my office.  When it's light out later in the evening, I love how much time is left in the day after I get home from work.  Unfortunately, none of that happened.  I haven't been sleeping very well for the last couple of weeks so I decided to just take a little nap.  That was nine hours ago.  I guess I needed the sleep badly.

I have been thinking a lot about the surgery.  Who knows if that is what has been keeping me up or not.  The potential is there to change my life significantly and I so badly want that.  It is very difficult living in this body on a day to day basis.  If I sit and think about it right now, the chronic pain I feel in my left leg is pulsing, my back hurts on the right side and I'm feeling shaky because I woke up with low blood sugar.  Beyond that is the weight on my body. There are times when I look at my arms and truly do feel like the Michelin Man.  When I look down at my stomach, I wonder if there will come a time in the future when it doesn't protrude out father than my breasts.  With all these thoughts in my head, I wonder about those people in my life, or just in society in general, who have made comments like:

"Mind over matter"
"Just push away from the table"
"Don't you care about your body and your life?"
"I don't see what the problem is.  Just eat less and exercise more."

Trust me, people who don't quite understand, if I could just simply lay down the food, walk to the gym and be cured of whatever it is that pulls me to eating, I would.  It's not nearly as simple as that.  There is some sort of strange magnetic attraction that food has had on me over the years.  It has been a comfort, friend, enemy and devil all at the same time.  If you have a normal relationship with food, kudos to you man.  I mean, seriously, I'm so happy for you and wish I could be you.  Wouldn't it be fantastic to just say no to a piece of cake and really mean it?  For me, when I'm asked if I want a piece of cake, say when I'm at work and someone is having a birthday, I will say no.  Yet, I'll look at the cake with longing.  I'll walk by it too many times to torture myself, wondering what it tastes like in my mouth and wanting to eat the whole thing.  If I dared bring that cake into my house where no one is looking, I'd eat the whole damn thing.

Most people just don't react like that to food.  So when someone tells me to just push away from the table, it's not so simple.  I am working hard at changing my mindset and developing new, healthier habits.  It's not something that can happen overnight since food has been my "go to" practically since birth.  I know the surgery is not magic.  It is just a tool, albeit my favorite one in the box.  If used properly, it will help me get to a healthy body weight while I still do most of the work.  It reminds me of my first car.  My first car was actually the family car, but my dad decided to give it to me and he got a new one.  It was ten years old and had manual everything.  For me, I didn't care.  I could drive to school on my own, take my friends anywhere we wanted to go and freedom.  Ahhhh!  The giddiness of all of that was soon replaced with attempting to roll down the windows because there was no air conditioning except there was also no button to push that magically lowered those windows.  So I had to do all the work by cranking the windows down manually.  We also did not have power steering in that car.  While there was the tool of the steering wheel, I actually had to do most of the work.  Does anyone remember having to pull out of a parking spot without power steering?  There's a lot of arm work that goes into that puppy.

I do look forward to surgery and what the future can hold, but I also know that I need to continue doing the work now.  That means continuing to track my food, exercise and work on the emotional side of this journey.  I am so grateful to have this blog, supportive friends, a good therapist and my weekly classes that continually help me to keep exploring the emotional side of all of this.  It is fair to say that this is not just about calories in and calories out.  It is so much bigger than that.  Don't get me wrong, I continue to work on that, too, but there are so many layers to the onion.  I'm peeling them one at a time.

Water Challenge Day 65:  Drank 100 of 180 ounces :-(

Feeling proud of myself

I just have to say that I rock.  That sounds pretty egotistic, doesn't it?  There's an actual reason.  Here it is.

This is a report from MyFitnessPal on the exercise I did this week.  These were my lunchtime walks with my co-worker/friend.  We take lunch for an hour, so part of that hour is exercise and the other is eating our lunch.  I didn't get a walk in on Monday, but walked every day except that this week.  Today's walk just about killed me.  We decided to take a different route, one that we haven't taken in a while.  It's got hills in it, which I knew were going to be hard for me since the extra weight makes every hill feel like I'm getting my butt whipped.  This one was no exception.  By the time we got back up the hill and returned to our school, I was huffing and puffing and feeling sweaty.  I don't like that.  I sat in front of my fan in my office and just relaxed while I ate my lunch.  It wasn't until later this evening when I saw this chart summarizing how I've done and I felt a little bit like a bad ass!  I have passed up cupcakes, pie and cookies that were at work this week.  I drank lots of water.  And I laced up my sneakers that I keep in my filing cabinet and went to burn calories off.  It is so fantastic to know I'm doing something great for my health while also alleviating stress at the same time with my friend.

I do have to say that I am feeling good to be ending this week on such a positive note.  I do have plans to exercise both days this weekend, probably a local walk near my house tomorrow and I think a beach walk on Sunday.  It's supposed to be really hot here on then, so go to the beach I say!

Water Challenge Day 54:  Drank  132 of 182 ounces

My motivation wall

What inspires you to be healthy?  Are there things that you find give you a bigger motivation than others?  For me, it's so many different things.  It might be the smiles that greet me when I'm walking outdoors or the person sweating at the gym who is loving every minute of it.  Just like any other person who is trying to lose weight and live a healthier life, I have my moments when I see such a long road ahead or I'm just not full of any energy to work out.  So I have a wall that I started keeping words of motivation on, words that can give me a push when I need it or a reminder of why I lace up my shoes.  Here's a snippet from that wall.

These are different words of inspiration I've seen online that have really grabbed my attention for one reason or another.  Some of them make me want to go out there and kick some ass at the gym, others remind me what the blood, sweat and tears are for.  Then there are others that just make me laugh.

When I saw that one about Channing Tatum, I about bust a gut so I had to put it on my wall.  [If you don't know who that is, he's this hottie actor.  Google him.]

No matter what your motivation is, bring it out in the open and embrace it.  There is no way I can look at my motivation wall and not be inspired to push myself that little extra bit or remember to keep the eye on the prize.  Life is incredibly short and I want to do the best I can at taking care of myself now.  I'm not always the greatest at that, but I'm working on it.  As my parting picture, take a look at one of my beautiful girls who was incredibly fascinated at me taking a picture of the wall in my bedroom.

Water Challenge Day 44:  Drank 202 of 182 ounces

Yeah, there's NO way

I got out of work a few hours early today because I'm conducting a workshop in the evening tomorrow and so it was comp time.  I thought to myself, "Hmm, what should I do with my few hours?"  Then I got excited when I thought where I'd go ... Costco!  Ha ha, yeah I know, that was totally pathetic.  It wasn't Costco itself that made me giddy but the very idea that there would hardly be anyone there since it was about 1:45ish on a  Monday afternoon.  When I pulled up, my face dropped when I realized that not everyone works for a living.  Dammit.  Oh well, at least I was there and didn't feel rushed.  I decided, just for fun, to turn on my MapMyWalk app to see how far I was walking in there.  I'm always curious when I go to stores and it feels like I'm going down every aisle to see exactly how far I go.  I knew I would be stopping at the counter to order contacts so it would be leisurely.  Look what it recorded.

You might want to click on the picture above to see the full detail, but it said I walked 4.95 miles in 38 minutes.  Um, there is no way on God's green earth that happened.  I was either running down the aisles or somehow the GPS had a problem connecting with the satellite because I was indoors and it was in the pocket of my jeans.  It actually made me laugh out loud when I saw that.  Almost 5 miles and I didn't even break a sweat.  Ha ha ha!!

Yeah, okay, so I laugh at myself sometimes because I'm soooo funny.  It's good to laugh sometimes.  I want to share something that happened today and if you're at all squeamish, you may want to stop reading now.  I'll even start a new paragraph so you can totally avoid what I'm going to write.

As I've alluded to before, one of the issues that I have been dealing with since I began Optifast over a year and a half ago (even though I'm not on it now) is that I've been having digestive issues.  I didn't know I was lactose intolerant until I was actually on the program.  There are problems besides being lactose intolerant, though.  Without going into very specific details, my tummy is not happy with me any time I have fiber.  Given that I am eating healthier these days, trying to incorporate a nice array of fruits and veggies into my diet, there's no way to stay away from fiber.  Yet, when I cut back on it, that also creates other problems.  My experience with Optifast created some major problems with my system.  I can only assume this because I never had them before the program and they have stayed with me up to this point.  There has been some major damage that has occurred and I am in pain all the time.  It's sort of difficult to talk about because it's probably one of the most embarrassing things to have to deal with.  I've gone to several doctors and am working with a GI specialist, all who have performed some incredible invading examinations on me that have caused me even greater pain.  Sometimes that necessary to get to the heart of the problem, I get that, but it's painful nonetheless.  After having tried several solutions, our next step is for me to have a colonoscopy performed.  They gave me an option, actually of having a procedure where I am fully awake or the colonoscopy where I am sedated.  Um, I'll take option B please.  That is scheduled for November 19th and I'm already nervous about it.  I'm trying not to be, but when I'm already in pain and I know what they're going to do, I suppose it's just a natural reaction.  

After the colonoscopy results come back, I then need to make an appointment with a surgeon to have another procedure done on the area.  This is assuming everything is normal with the colonoscopy.  I know people who have had it done and they say the worst part is the preparation leading up to it.  I understand that when they explain what has to happen to prep for it, but the hard part for me on top of it is that I know I'm going to have to have a surgery even without an abnormal reading in an area that already hurts.  I have to be  honest and say a big part of me wants to just pick up food and eat over this.  That's my emotional response, as it always has been, to difficult situations that I certainly don't want to deal with.  Yet, I also know that part of changing old habits takes practice, meaning that I can't react the way I always have in the past.  Maybe that means I have to white-knuckle it in the moment, but I have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings (ha - no pun intended) and know that I always have God to get me through any difficulty.  Oh Lord, You are my light.  Perhaps this is why I can laugh at the ridiculous that comes about in life, like me walking 5 miles in 38 minutes.  Hee hee.  

Hiya doc

I went to my scheduled doctor's appointment today.   It's a routine diabetes appointment to see how I'm doing with blood sugars, etc.  Whenever I go to see her, I seem to have a list of honey-do items.  First, my blood sugar has been good and not good.  I have gone in this cycle of  a little high to really high in the morning and then, by the time I have dinner, I'm super low if I have exercised.  And when it's low, I eat glucose or something else to get it up.  My doctor is concerned and said I may need to stop doing Jenny Craig.  She's going to have me work with a diabetes nurse specialist to monitor me and see what we can do to work with it.  I really want to continue because I do like the personal accountability to another person.  If Kaiser (my insurance plan) can offer me something similar for the same price, I would do that with them but I just don't know if that's an option.  I think I'll talk to the specialist about it when we chat.

While with my doctor, I talked to her about two other issues as well - the pain in my leg and G.I. issues I have been having.  In regards to the leg pain, I told her it's been a year and a half and I have been trying to push through the pain but it practically puts me in tears when I'm exercising and it was not better at even my lightest weight.  We reviewed my records and I have had blood work, saw a physical medicine doctor, did physical therapy, got tested with a neurologist, saw a rheumatologist and underwent a year of work with an acupuncturist.  We've obviously tried a lot but I told her it's just awful to live with.  People who see me walking down the hallway at work don't know the pain I go through because I seem to mask it pretty well.  Trust me, though, it's very painful.  So she has advised me to see the physical medicine doctor again to go to the next level.  That might include a MRI or more but that will be up to the physical medicine doctor.

Then, we talked about my G.I. issues.  Without going into too much detail because it's way beyond TMI, I had seen a G.I. specialist a few months ago, almost went into surgery until we found another solution and am still having some issues.  Looking at the notes from that specialist, my doctor told me I now need to go back to her because that original doctor wanted to do a colonoscopy on me if things have not gotten better.  From the people I know who have had it, the worst part of a colonoscopy is the preparation for it because they pretty much knock you out for the procedure but the couple of days beforehand are hard.  Oh joy!

For good measure, my doctor ended the appointment by telling me that I also needed to get my first mammogram.  Talk about feeling completely invaded!!  It actually made me chuckle at the end of the appointment because I'm also still recovering from pink eye.  I looked at the doctor and gave her my best "seriously??" look.  She laughed, too, and apologized.  Oh well.  I will do whatever it is I need to do to feel better and live as healthfully as I possibly can.  I am dealing with issues of whether or not I have caused this and starting to blame myself.  Then I saw the best few minutes on Dr. Oz this afternoon.  I was just switching the channels but they had a woman psychologist talking about how we say awful things to ourselves by calling ourselves fat or berating ourselves in some way.  Here's a link to what she said.  One thing that really jumped out at me is that she said if it's not something you would say to your child or another loved one in your family, then you don't get to say it to yourself.  Period.  I know this takes practice and it will be a habit that's developed over time, but she is one hundred percent right about that.  Why do I get to talk to myself negatively if I don't do it to other people?  Obviously I'm not going to treat other people horribly so that I can treat myself that way, so the change has to be within me.  This is a lifelong journey for me but a huge part of that journey is treating myself better internally.  I'm totally open to that and understand deeply that the change comes from within before it can be fully developed on the outside.  My problem is remembering that in the moment and not after the fact.  I need to work on methods I can use to combat the negative self-talk on the occasions it does come up.

Not a horse

I had a friend, who is one of the teachers at the high school where I work, stop by my office on some business today.  While she was in there, she asked me how I was doing with my health.  She was one of the people who knew I had cancer at work and has a family history of the same kind of cancer.  She always

asks how I'm doing on that front.  I expressed that everything is great with the cancer being in remission, but not good with the pain in my legs.  As I've shared before, I have been dealing with on-going, chronic pain in my upper legs ever since I began Optifast over a year and a half ago.  Even though I'm no longer on the program, the pain is still with me and makes things difficult.  Some days I can manage the pain and then there's other days where it just kills me.  So she comes back with, "Well, just be grateful you're not a horse!"  I looked at her with a WTF look on my face, wondering where in the world that was coming from.  She must have seen my look, so she went on to explain that when she was a little girl, whenever she was in pain or something bad was going on, her father would tell her, "Well, just be grateful you're not a horse because when they are in pain, they shoot them."  As a child, she said it was comforting, but as she became an adult, she realized that it was pretty morbid.  Um, yeah!!  So, apparently, on my blessing list today is the fact that I'm not a horse.  I know, it was a weird conversation, weird enough for me to share it on here.  Yeah, you're welcome.  I guess the moral of the story is just be happy things aren't worse.

Things have been pretty busy for me at work.  Right now, the kids are in the thick of college applications.  One of the things I do in my job is coordinate all of the college visits that occur on our campus.  Because our students perform well academically, we have over 100 colleges coming onto our campus this year to meet with students.  That means I interface with each college counselor, help the kids with signing up and clearing their absences and sitting in on the visits whenever possible.  Often times, I'm running all over the campus because I might have three colleges coming on at the same time and so I've got them all in different rooms.  It has me "on" all the time, being the person that represents our counseling department and maintaining good relationships with the various admissions counselors.  Some have been to our campus year after year, so they have gotten to know me well.  One in particular was coming onto campus today.  Every year that I see her, we greet each other with a hug and catch up on the previous years' events.  Last year when she was here, she commented on how fantastic she thought I looked after having lost so much weight on Optifast.  At that point, I think I was down about 150 pounds.  I was dreading her visit this year because I knew she would notice how much weight I had put on since then.  I almost didn't want to see her this year because I was feeling so ashamed of the gain.  She's a completely lovely and friendly person, so I can't

imagine her ever giving me a look of anything other than being sweet.  It was just what was swimming around in my head.  I hate to admit this, but even when I was getting dressed this morning, I was trying to find pants that would be the most flattering on me so hopefully she wouldn't notice too much of my gain.  Omg, the things that go through this kooky head of mine.  Of course the visit went great, we had a great conversation and she didn't make one comment or give me one yucky look about my weight gain.  I tell you, sometimes I am so self-involved that I think everybody is looking at me and accessing my success/failure by how I look.  Vanity run amok!!  I don't think I'm a narcissist, but now it's got me wondering about that a little bit.  The truth is that, in general, most people don't think the same way about me that I think about me.  In my mind, I think so much is about the weight gain, when really that is my own battle.  People still care about me just as much as they used to, if not more because of the perseverance they see in me in that I am not giving up and trying my best to be healthy.

With all of this said, I get to keep working on myself and moving forward.  Another friend at work and I started our lunch time walks again today.  We haven't done any since starting back this school year.  With my pain, I told her I am going to have to go slower which, of course, she is perfectly fine with.  I'm glad we do that.  It gets us both out of our offices fore awhile and then we for sure eat lunch for the rest of the hour because we're hungry for it after walking.  I find that the walking is not only good for my body, but really feeds my soul as well.  Anything that can do double-duty like that is definitely something I need to do again and again!

You're going to stick a needle where??

I had an acupuncture appointment at the end of my day.   There are some treats you look forward to at the end of a very busy and stressful day.  Acupuncture has become one of those things.  If you've never had a treatment before, you must think I'm insane right about now.  I am a girl who used to be terrified of getting shots and needles.  Then, when I became diabetic and had to check my blood sugar and inject insulin, I got over that.  Getting a needle stuck in me is still not my favorite thing in the world, but I don't mind it with acupuncture.  Actually, it's not the same type of needle at all.  They are much finer and are injected in a different way.  On very rare occasions will it hurt, but mostly it helps me get really in tune with my body and makes me fall asleep.  The reason I am see my acupuncturist, Kelly, is because I have had pain in my legs for over a year now and I've seen every specialist known to man.  Acupuncture is sort of my last house on the block.  In so many ways, though, it's become a blessing to me.  So I described today's pain, which is centered on top of my patella in my left knee and is radiating up my thigh to my hip.  It's significant pain and is extremely frustrating to live with.

Kelly inserted the pins around my knee, down my shin, on my feet, on my forehead and also on my left ear.  That was an incredibly weird sensation.  She showed me in a book where actually there are points in your ears that are connected directly to your legs and hips, precisely where I needed the attention.  She topped it all off with a pin placed squarely on my forehead.  She turned on some soothing music, turned off the lights and then left me to relax.  It's pretty hard to imagine anyone can relax in that state, but that's exactly what happens every single time.  I closed my eyes and thought about God's healing hands on my body.  Touching my knee, removing the pressure from my thigh, every moment helping me to relax and trust.  In no time at all, I forgot about all the pins sticking out of me and I focused on the sensations and being centered.  A flood of emotions overcame me, a feeling as though I knew, in that very instant, that God was watching over me and helping me feel peace.  There is still pain, but it is significantly reduced.  The body is amazing, such a marvel at what it does and how it heals.  When I walked into my appointment, I was feeling tense and stressed, but very hopeful.  When I left, I felt lifted and strong.  If nothing else, that right there is more than I could've ever asked for.

Checking in

I've been having really busy days lately but I did want to check in.  I find that when I'm not writing on this blog or in my journal, I'm not as connected as I need to be towards living as healthfully as I can.  Speaking of which, my blood sugar has been low the last several days so much that I have had to cut back on the medication.  I've actually been so shaky when I come home from work each day that it feels like I'm going to pass out.  That's a dangerous place to be in, of course.  It's been great seeing that I can eat foods with carbs in them and still have normal or below normal numbers.  It's so difficult to describe the emotions I go through when dealing with my diabetes.  I can do all the right things in the world, but when my blood sugar still won't normalize, it makes me feel like a big loser.  I know that it's not my fault (it is a disease after all), but it's hard to convince my head of that sometimes.  I don't know why I have convinced myself that I have some character defect if my body is in pain or blood sugar is high.  I suppose it's easier to blame ourselves.  This weight gain has been so difficult on many fronts, including how it affects my thinking about myself.  Yet, I am trying very hard to catch it as those thoughts come up.  I've said many times that I'm a scrappy little fighter and that couldn't be truer than it is these days.  I refuse to give up on myself and my efforts to be in a healthy body.  I also acknowledge the fact that I am supremely blessed.  On this day of remembrance, 9/11, there are many people who are no longer with us that I'm sure would willingly welcome the challenges I deal with each day.  That's not to discount how I'm feeling, but just really looking at the other side of the coin.  Now as I end my day, I can look back at it with an immense sense of gratitude for the things I do have today, right in this moment.  The weight will come off in the pace that it is supposed to leave me.  Only God knows that for sure.  I'll still do my part -  move my body and eat right. In fact, today I was marveling at the fact that I actually enjoy my gala apples and baby carrots.  Who knew!  I look forward to how good my body feels when I feed it with the right foods.  Really, that's a high no drug could possibly every fulfill in my life.  To feel good feels incredible.

Needing more structure

Incredibly happy it's the weekend, beyond happy  I still am not getting great sleep, so I'm looking forward to getting rest tonight and this weekend.  Tomorrow I'm taking my car back to the shop.  I had a bunch of things done on it earlier in the month, including having the front and rear brakes replaced.  However, when I'm stopping from faster speeds, the brakes are making loud sounds.  I'm trying not to do a freak out about it because it should be something they would take care of, I'll just have to see when I get there in the morning.

After taking care of my car, I have an appointment to have a consultation at Jenny Craig.  I actually wasn't going to talk about that here for quite some time for several reasons, but I decided that it's a forum that is mine and is the whole point of blogging.  I hope someone can gain from my experience, but it's ultimately for me to write about what's going on with me.  I have been following the Weight Watchers plan for about six months after ending my Optifast adventure.  With WW, there just isn't enough structure for me.  It's very easy to hide in the background or behind a computer screen.  For me, and this is just for me, I need more structure and accountability.  When I was on Optifast, I was one hundred percent compliant and was accountable to the counselor of our group.  It was different than the groups in WW.

So I've been looking at other programs, doing a lot of research, reading blogs of other people's experiences and just gleaning as much information as I can about what the right move is for me.  I can't stay in this place any longer.  I need the help to get healthier and just to feel better overall.  Sure, I dream of getting back into my size 16 jeans (or even going lower in size).  The pain I have in my legs I know will be better with less weight on my body.  I actually have this blog to thank for helping me come to a decision.  Writing out how I've been feeling on a pretty normal schedule has really helped me own where I am and what I'm feeling.  I know there may be some people reading this that are convinced that Jenny Craig is "just another diet".  Who knows, it might just be, but it is offering me something of what I need.  I need to be accountable to another human being and tell them what's going on when it comes to my weight and my eating.  Through the program, I can meet with a counselor on a one-on-one basis 1-3 times each week with no added costs.  That is really appealing to me.

After I made the final decision that I was going to move forward on this, I have to admit that a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I felt ... happy.  I just so desperately want to feel better.  The funny thing is that I'm not even balking at the cost.  It's actually about the same cost of what I spent each week on Optifast.  When I add together all the money I have spent on going out to eat, Starbuck's drinks and my food at the grocery store, it pretty quickly starts really getting in the ballpark of the cost of doing a program with so much support and help.  It's what I need and, frankly, what I want.  I deserve to spend this money on myself, my happiness and my health.  So I meet with one of the counselors tomorrow morning at 11:00 a.m.  I have done the program before and lost a lot of weight and I know it is possible for me to lose weight because I lost 190 pounds on Optifast.  I feel strongly that this is a good move for me and I also know that if it's not right, the door swings both ways.  Now I pray for strength and courage as I walk forward.

How I can help

With the tragedy that happened in Boston yesterday, part of me feels like posting about my little world - about weight loss, pain in my body and even the good - seems a bit trite.  I then realized that the best thing that I can do is pray, be in the present moment and do the best I can to take really good care of myself.  Of course that is easier said than done sometimes, I realize that all too well.  When I am at work, I do receive e-mail blasts from a local news station when there is ever breaking news.  Often times it will be about a pileup on the freeway or something on that scale.  But yesterday, when I received a message about what happened at the marathon, I clicked on the live feed and just was horrified to see what I did.  Working in a high school, often what affects the nation also affects our kids.  And as one of the adults who interacts with them during the day, I realize how I handle a situation and the discussions I may have with them can make a big impact.  I did my best to be open to their needs as a few of them talked with me about it yesterday, especially with one of our kids running in that very marathon.  Thank God above that he finished before the blasts hit and he was safe, but the same could not be said for others.

So, even though I have an aching heart this morning, I know that what I do with myself is of vital importance if I dare put any of this into its proper perspective.  It is a reminder to me that life is very short and fleeting.  What am I doing with my life that can make a difference?  Well one thing is for sure ... I can treat myself with the loving care that I treat others in my life.  That means that I don't need to take out emotions through another substance, like food.  Overeating to take away pain, discomfort or just uneasiness is no solution and, in fact, only can hurt me, taking me away from those that love and care for me.  I can start my day with a healthy breakfast and look forward to the sun shining on my face, the grace that God gives me and a spirit that gives me the ability to do much more than I often think is possible.  I have a busy day ahead of me, but there's something I need to do first - pray.  Have a blessed day everyone.

Staying in the moment

Sometimes the most difficult thing for me to do is to stay in the moment.  That could be in both positive and negative situations.  What I do is either project into the future or play the "what if" game with events that have already happened.  Here's a case in point to illustrate what I mean.

Two years ago, I was having lunch off-campus from the high school where I work.  Sometimes I do leave campus for lunch, which I am absolutely permitted to do, either to just have some alone time or to go grab something to eat.  A job at a high school is definitely a stressful one, no matter what your role, and there are times when you just need some quiet time even if you love what you do.  Trust me, it's generally not a job for someone that needs to be in a quiet space all the time.  On a particular day two years ago, that's just want I needed.  I went out to have some lunch and ate it in my car while I listened to NPR to find out what was happening out in the world.  When I was done, I put the lunch in a bag, put on

my seat belt and proceeded to start the car.  The only problem was that it wouldn't start when I attempted to turn the key.  I suspected it was a bad battery.  I tried to find people to jump my car, but no one had cables and all I got when I tried to call people was their voicemail.  I ended up having to call a tow truck so that I could get a jump and then take the car to have it looked at.  In my mind, I was thinking about all the things I was missing at work and about what I did to make this happen in the first place.  Surely it had to be my fault, I thought.  Never mind the fact that I had no idea how old the battery was when I bought this used car.  No, rational thinking was not part of my head conversation in that moment.  And all I wanted to do was eat, even though I had just finished having lunch.  It was just very uncomfortable sitting there, trying to stay in the moment.  In fact, I sort of hated it. I eventually got everything taken care of and, yes, it was the battery.

Now, have I learned anything facing that sort of situation in these two years?  Let's see ... I started out my morning feeling really great with glorious sleep.  I had a nice breakfast and was ready to start my day.  Even the new medication I've been taking has really been helping with no side effects and the added benefit of helping with my leg pain.  While it's still with me, it's much more manageable.  So I practically skipped out to my car (okay, I didn't really skip but didn't the image just pop in your head??).  I went to get it started and, boom, it wouldn't turn over.  The same exact thing happened that I faced two years ago.  I tried for a few minutes but nothing was working.  Thankfully I was at home, so I wasn't stranded anywhere.  I was grateful for that!  I went in the house and calmly tried to remember who lives near me that is up at that time of day that could possibly give me a jump.  I was able to find someone who sent her husband over with his jumper cables and working battery.  While I was waiting for him, I calmly watched Good Morning America, my kitties purred next to me and I just sat in peace.  I wasn't happy about this development, but what could I do?  I didn't go to the thought that I did something wrong and I didn't worry about things out of my control.  I sent an e-mail on my iPhone to my office to let them know what was going on.  In no time, my friend's husband came, I was able to drive over to the place where I had the battery changed and it was still under warranty, so that means it was free to me.  They did have to test it to make sure it wasn't the alternator but I was out of there in about an hour and headed off to work.

This was a big lesson for me in remembering that I don't have to react in an extreme manner and that I actually can sit in the moment.  I wasn't rifling around in the kitchen looking for food to soothe an anxiousness I may have been feeling.  I was as calm as a cucumber.  This doesn't mean I always react so sedately to situations.  It's still very difficult for me to not want to munch on excess food in the evenings.  It's my worst time of day in terms of the food calling me.  In those moments, I need to remember that if I just put one foot in front of the other, I can get through it.  Habits took time to develop, so they will take time to change, too.  I pray that the more times I can get through those dicey moments without succumbing to the enticement of the food, the easier it will become.  Who knows, maybe it will always be a struggle for me, as it is for many people.  I just want to have tools at my disposal to help me get through those moments.  Having the battery die on the car is not the worst thing in the world by far, but it can be anything that sends a person to eat if that's how they've learned to be in the moment.  There could be a really good reason to eat or just out of sheer boredom.  Therein lies the mystery of the call of the food.  As they say in 12-step programs, "It's cunning, baffling and powerful." 

Down the disposal and treating me right

I am so thrilled to report that I had a good weekend.  In Southern California, we are experiencing a beautiful start to spring.  I'm so sorry for those that are getting pounded by the horrible weather in other parts.  I've felt a little guilty for our gorgeous weather, although we do pay through the nose to live in it!  Yesterday morning I went for a walk with Sara around the lake that we usually frequent.  Her husband was with us for parts of it as well.  We did three miles and then spent some time chatting.  I noticed the pain in my legs was pretty strong in the morning, but that exercise really helped because by later in the afternoon, it was lessened a little bit.

I ran a ton of errands on Saturday, among them was to go and get some groceries.  As I've shared on here before, after I stopped Optifast, I eventually went over to Weight Watchers.  It wasn't right away, but I knew I still needed and wanted the group support.  So, with the program, everything is done on a points system.  You get so many points you're allotted to eat each day based on your age, height and weight.  Each food has a point value based on the amount of fat, carbs, fiber and protein in it.  I track my food by writing absolutely everything down, even if I have something that was a poor choice.  It helps me stay accountable.  It's actually easy to do since WW has a lot of tools to help with that.  For me, it makes me feel more sane than constantly counting calories, fat grams, carbs, etc.  I do weigh and measure my food, though.  Perhaps there will come a day when I won't need to do that but, for now, it's working for me.  When I was at the store getting groceries, I had a little craving for a food I have been trying to stay away from, ice cream.  If I eat it away from home, I'm fine and can stop after a serving.  But if I bring a half gallon or similar container home of it, I am constantly digging into it.  However, I've been doing really well with my food, wanted it and so I absentmindedly opened the door to the freezer section and grabbed an ice cream container.  I rationalized in my head that I would measure it out like everything else.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?

I got home, put the food away and did some cleaning around the house and gardening in the back.  I didn't think anything about that ice cream until I made dinner and thought it would be nice to have something sweet afterwards.  The serving was a half cup, so I measured it out and went on my merry way.  As I had it, it tasted really rich, almost unappealingly rich.  I went back into the freezer and pulled out the container.  It was in absolute shock when I looked at the label for what turned out to be super premium ice cream.  The first thing I noticed is that each half cup serving had 298 calories.  Are you freaking kidding me??  The carb serving was much more than should be in one serving, especially for a diabetic like me.  So I calculated the points value and this one serving was eight points.  Just to give you perspective, my breakfast usually has less points for the entire meal.  So, I promptly went to my sink, turned on the hot water and dumped it all down the garbage disposal.  In that moment, I realized that I deserve better than putting that crud into my body.  If I want a sweet treat once in a while, WW does make individual servings of desserts but I have absolutely no business bringing in ice cream like that.  Seriously, almost 300 calories for just a half cup just isn't worth it.  I am proud of myself for having enough clarity in that moment to get rid of it, though. 

I started out today in church.  I usually go to a Saturday night contemporary service, but I like going on Sundays for Palm Sunday and Easter.  I was exactly where I needed to be, hearing exactly what I needed to hear.  The message was so clear that God loves me so deeply and never leaves me.  Even when I'm going through rough stuff in my life, He still never leaves me, giving me enough strength to handle the challenges that come before me as well as the joy that I get to feel.  Afterwards, I went out to breakfast with my friend that goes to church with me.  I haven't seen her in about six weeks since she's been out of town so we were catching up.  I was talking to her about my upcoming graduation and she told me it would be her honor to host a get-together afterwards since she lives so close to Cal State.  I have worked really hard to get this degree and it's been a very long road.  I want to celebrate that with friends and family, especially since my dad and stepmother are coming into town for the ceremony.  Besides, not everyone wants to sit through a ceremony but who doesn't love a fun little party! 

I ended my day by going for a workout at the gym, did a 5K on the treadmill, and then did strength training at home.  I had a really great dinner that was very clean, nutritious and even tasty.  Who knew healthy food could taste so yummo?  Living in a healthy way is a great thing for not only my body, but for my whole being.  My blood sugar has been perfectly in range and right now I can honestly say my legs are only mildly painful.  Trust me, that's a big leap from the pain I usually feel in them.  Tomorrow is the appointment with the doctor, so I'll report back on that tomorrow night.  I'm not even feeling nervous about it.  I'm just grateful to be moving forward.

Trying not to overdo it

On Thursday nights, I have a late class at the university that doesn't let out until at least 9 p.m., sometimes later.  I know I can't go for a workout at the gym because they close at 10 p.m.  So, in the past, I have skipped exercise.  I know there's no hard and fast rule that says I have to do a workout every single day when losing weight, except I have been advised to get in at least 30 minutes of exercise daily from Kaiser to help with the pain in my legs.  Because I am trying my hardest to take good care of my body, I asked my friend at work that I walk with at lunch if she wouldn't mind if we walked longer today.  Usually we get in about one and a half to two miles each time we walk.  There are a lot of hills near our work, so it's generally never a straight path for us and it does get our hearts pumping.  I figured this way, if I can't get to the gym later on, I would have gotten in a longer than usual walk.  Every time I walk outdoors, I use MapMyWalk on my iPhone to track how far I've gone.  It tells me my speed and how many calories I've burned.  Even though it was a little chilly since it had been raining, here's the walk we did:

We ended up doing a 5K during our lunch break, which was awesome.  For those of you that know where I work, we turned left from the campus, went down the hill into the houses on the left, then turned around and went past the high school down to the Albertson's shopping center and the road behind it, went to the end and turned around to go back to the campus.  We went 3.3 miles with lots of heart-pumping hills and I burned 626 calories.  Yay me!   Then later in the day, I got a text from my professor saying that he was cancelling our class for tonight because he had food poisoning.  I was really sorry that he was experiencing that, but then I thought, Hooray, I don't have class tonight.  Yahoo!!  I just get so tired with leaving house each day by 6:45 a.m. and not getting home sometimes until late, especially when I haven't been sleeping well.  In this case, on Thursdays, I generally don't walk in the door until 9:30 p.m.  That's a looong day.  Then I wondered if maybe I should to the gym if the class was cancelled.  But, I know me well enough and, if you've been reading my blog long enough, you know me well enough to know that I'm competitive and I would likely overdo it.  I probably would go to the gym and end up doing another 5K on the treadmill, as well as probably adding more machines.  The overexercising can be just as addictive as the overeating is.  There have been times in the past that I would spend a couple of hours at the gym and that's just not healthy behavior for me. Not only that, I do have significant leg pain all of the time and that might just be too much for me to take right now.  So, I came home and took a nappy poo ;-)

The thing that I am trying to learn in living a healthier life is that I must have balance.  If I go to an extreme with the exercise or obsessively counting calories to the point that I become too critical if I don't do enough or I do too much, then that's not good for me either.  Those are the very things that can cause me to pick up food I don't need to have.  Food has this way of soothing a moment or even making me forget what I'm doing.  There have been times that I've picked up food to eat before even realizing it how much I've eaten.  That's how cunning it can be.  Instead, I had another fantastic day with my food.  I have been tracking it using the Weight Watcher's e-tools to make sure I'm within my allowable points for the day and to be honest about what I'm eating.  I'm so grateful that I can end this day with no shame about what I had or the exercise I did.  In fact, I'm pretty proud of myself.  I've had times where I've gone to bed beating myself over the bad choices I made in the day or wanting to hide what I ate.  It's great to feel so clean.

Wow, sleep does make a difference

I have not been sleeping well lately, actually for the last several months.  I try really hard to relax as much as possible and I take pain medication that makes me drowsy, yet I either get no sleep or just a few hours worth.  Yesterday at about 8 p.m., I saw one of my cats taking a nap on my bed so I decided to lay down next to her for a few minutes. Hearing her purring is always so soothing.  Next thing I knew, I woke up, checked my cell phone to see what time it was (3 a.m.) and then turned over to go back to sleep.  I ended up waking up completely at 5 a.m., arising out of my slumber like Sleeping Beauty.  I felt totally refreshed and full of all kinds of energy.  So that's what it feels like!  Obviously my body was craving every moment of sleep. 

The rest of my day was fantastic.  I went to work, had one of my classes at the university and then went for a workout.  I did great there, earning 6 activity points for the day with my Active Link (for the Weight Watcher's folks out there).  Best of all, my food was really clean and I felt like I took really good care of my body today.  Even sitting in the desk at my class was easier ... it didn't feel as tight a fit as it has been, meaning I'm doing something right because I'm losing pounds, inches or both.  I haven't been on the scale in about a week, so I should probably check that soon.  I missed my Weight Watcher's class on Saturday, so I'll probably just wait until this Saturday and then update my weight on here.  That helps keep me accountable.

I have been working really hard at trying to get in at least 30 minutes of exercise in every day.  During the visit with the therapist and my last appointment with the rheumatologist, they both mentioned how important it was for me to get in at least a half an hour of exercise to help with the pain I have been feeling.  It doesn't have to be strenuous, but just movement is great.  Depending on my activity, my movement is sometimes more intense than others.  When I go walking with other people, it's a bit slower because we talk while we walk.  I am walking with someone else almost every day.  I go with Sara on Sundays and then I walk with one of my friends from work during our lunch break.  Then, in the evenings when I have the time, I will go work out at the gym. 

When I'm working out by myself, it's definitely amped up.  For instance, I spent an hour on the treadmill tonight at the gym.  But I don't just walk at a regular pace.  I add in hills and have intervals of intensity with rest periods in between.  So, for example, after I've done the warm up phase, I'll kick up the speed getting ready for an incline for the length of a song on my iPhone.  Then, when the next song comes on, I'll kick it up more, then pull back when the next one comes on, then kick it up with the next song and so on.  My course is one with hills, so even though I'm not running, I am sweating for sure.  I mean, even my butt feels it.  I left the gym tonight with the front of my t-shirt soaked and I loved it!  It felt so great to come home, have a healthy dinner and then take a shower.  Those showers are the best after a good workout, aren't they?

I am so grateful for the peace that I felt today.  It just felt lovely, like a gift wrapped with a big red bow. 

Absolutely exhausted

Have you ever had those times where you felt like you couldn't keep your eyes open one more second?  That was me today, quite a few times.  I just haven't been sleeping well, even with the aid of medication.  I was driving to my class this afternoon and I could barely keep my eyes open on the freeway.  I had to lower my window to put fresh air in my face.  As I sat in class and took notes while the professor lectured, I had to fight my droopy eyes.  I shouldn't feel like this.  It's not healthy to be this tired, but I am.

I know that I have a lot on my mind and a lot I'm going through right now.  Tomorrow is my first appointment with the therapist.  I'm looking forward to it, while also feeling overwhelmed at the same time.  I know all of this is positive action in me moving forward, but sometimes it does feel safer in a weird way to stay right where I am in the moment.  That doesn't mean that it's something I want to do, it's just more comfortable.

This whole process of getting healthier, of losing weight and making good, positive changes must be taken in baby steps for me.  Maybe other people can do it in leaps and bounds but I've been overweight my entire life with some very big mountains I've had to climb.  Sometimes I would be envious of friends who never had any difficulties in their family life or never had to overcome anything.  Yet I know these things do make me stronger and have shaped the person I am today.  I just pray that as I see this therapist that I go in there with every ounce of strength I have to face the things that have been overwhelming for me and that I find the courage to talk about them.  Most importantly, even when it becomes difficult, as I'm certain it will be, that I continue forging ahead.  Maybe these things will help me eventually find sleep again, relieve me of the pain I've been having all over my body and help me to continue letting go of the weight.  I want so desperately to find relief over the frustration and sadness (if that's the right word) I have been feeling.  I'm not naive enough to think that everything will be solved in one session with the therapist, but heading down the road is a good start.