There is a really big reason I'm hating the upcoming summer

I'm in a bit of a foul mood today.  I own it and I'm not trying to wallow in it, but I just had to put it out there.  I went to Lane Bryant to find a top.  I have an event to attend on Sunday and so I wanted to see if they had anything there.  I've been recycling the same tops until I get into the next size down.  Lord have mercy, I can't wait until I can wave goodbye to LB.  Everything was either see-through, tank tops or sweaters, not to mention costing an arm and a leg.  I found a top and it fit fine, but it's just too sheer for my event and a tank top doesn't look right underneath it.  While I was there, I decided to try on some bathing suits.  That, my friends, is the really big reason I hate when summer arrives.  Normally, eight weeks off of work and a relaxing summer sounds lovely, but the very idea of sporting a bathing suit right now is completely unappealing to me.  Most of the bathing suits had built-in, padded, push-up bras or just some amazing contraption to squeeze the girls together.

As I looked in the mirror with the bathing suits I tried on, I just got really frustrated and mad.  I don't want to hang out by the pool or at the beach with my boobs on display.  Every single one of those damn suits did that to me.  I have been hit on quite a bit lately through my Twitter and Facebook accounts and I realized that I had profile pics with a revealing top on.  My friends are trying to convince me it's because of my smile and cute hair, but men tend to really like, ahem, prominent cleavage.  Besides that, I just really was unhappy with my arms, legs and belly in the bathing suits.  I finally just walked away and convinced myself that I would rather not subject myself to the stares I will get because of the boobs or because I will feel like the biggest one on the beach.  Yuck, I really did have a hard time with this because I can hear my negativity leaping off the computer screen.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will not be trying on bathing suits.  My dad is coming into town for a visit.  It's really a horrible time for me to host a visit because I have a lot going on at work and was planning on doing some work at home this weekend.  But, he is driving all the way in from Utah so the least I can do is be a good hostess.  Besides, I am looking forward to seeing him.  I just need to figure out how to relax.  I'm grateful my dad is still in my life, alive and well, so I'll take a visit any way I can get it.

The beach beckons me and 33 miles

I was so excited to get going this morning because I knew that I was going to head out to the beach to get in some exercise.  I was hoping to have a friend go with me, but that didn't work out.  I absolutely love walking at the beach.  I feel so connected to God there, watching the majesty of the waves as they lap the shore.  I have lived in California since I was three years old and grew up on the beach, yet I never tire of it.

Can you blame me for being so excited to go walking?  There were even dolphins out there past the surfers, which is not something we see so close to the shore very often.  Maybe this year I'll actually get a bathing suit and go in the water.  When I was on Optifast and lost a lot of weight, I had a ton of loose skin on my thighs so I resorted to getting a tankini with a skirt.  I found a pretty short one, so it actually wasn't bad at all.  Last year, I didn't even get into a bathing suit.  I know it's because I felt so shameful about the state my body was in after gaining so much weight back.  I also have a huge scar on my back from the surgery to remove cancer (melanoma) and I'm conscious of that, too.  Yet, I really missed being in the water.

This was the last day of Spring Break for me.  As I reflect on everything I did this week, I am proud of myself for not doing what I have done in the past - sitting on my butt and isolating inside my house.  I've rationalized before that I'm on break so I deserve to just sit around and do nothing.  The truth is that I did that because I didn't really have friends to hang out with or because I chose food over everything else.  I remember times when vacation meant I could eat all I wanted all day long because I didn't have to worry about seeing anybody or doing anything I didn't want to do.  Anything to pull me away from being able to eat at my leisure can be classified as "anything I didn't want to do".  It amazes me how many times I passed up participating in life because my addiction to sugar, salt and fat was much more compelling.  That wasn't the case for me this week.  I got together with friends and did a lot of active things.  Over the course of this week, I walked and jogged 33 miles.  Okay, the jogging was just in my house when I wanted to increase my steps, but still!  I am damn proud of myself.  Not only that but my food has been really clean and healthy.  I'm not ashamed for anyone to look at my food diary on MyFitnessPal because I have absolutely nothing to hide.  That's an amazing feeling :-)

Water Challenge Day 80:  178 of 178 ounces 

Amazing reaction

My weekly weigh-in was pretty good.  I lost three pounds, which I am perfectly okay with, especially given that it was that time of the month during the week.  Truly, I have finally, finally gotten to that point where I totally get that it is okay not to lose a gargantuan amount of weight each week.  I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing, not cheating on my program and exercising, so I feel good.

During my last post, I wrote about shopping for the dreaded bathing suit.  I had two suits at home, but they were way too big on me when I tried them on.  I was practically swimming in them, so that was a no-go.  I said to myself, okay, I will go out to one more store.  If they don't have something that will work for me, then I will let it be okay.  I really was at peace in the moment about it, realizing it's certainly not the worst thing in the world if I don't go swimming and having gone through my process of feeling negative, then turning it around and ending on a positive note.  It is what it is.

When I got to the store, I pulled about eight bathing suits into the dressing room in different sizes, just in case.  The first one was not looking good on me, so on to the second.  It was a tankini with underwire bra with a cute little skirt for the bottom.  I tried it on and, in that moment, I understood what Cinderella felt like when the glass slipper fit like a glove.  It was perfect on me.  In fact, I looked in the mirror and actually thought I looked cute.  Do you know how huge that is??  Cute in a bathing suit?  Crazy but true.  The little skirt covered the parts of my upper legs that I wanted covered without being long and the rest of the suit accentuated the right parts.  I thought of my ex-boyfriend again, knowing he would have loved the bathing suit on me, and thought to myself, "Ha, you're the big loser, not me, you ass!!"  Okay, I know that was immature, but it's what I felt.  After what he did to me, it was a big deal for me to recognize and really feel in my heart with complete sincerity that he is the one missing out on being in my life, most definitely not the other way around.  When our relationship ended, I was utterly devastated and while he did me no favors, it actually ended up working out for the best because I don't need someone in my life treating me less than I should be treated. 

So anyway, I was proud of myself for being so positive with the experience today and thrilled that it turned out so well.  I'm headed off tomorrow morning with my friend and we are both sooo looking forward to this.  We're excited to become Thelma (me) and Louise (her) for the week, minus the mayhem those two got into!  I am bringing my laptop with me, so I will still be blogging, even from the road.  This is an important process in my program leading towards a successful weight loss.  I am bound and determined that this is my time to finally heal and be in a healthy body.

Bathing suit shopping

A few weeks ago, I wrote about some difficulty I was having in trying to buy a new bathing suit for this summer.  Since I will be leaving on Tuesday for my first of two trips, I'm starting to run out of time to get one since I do plan on swimming during my vacation.  So I decided that I would get this done today.  The last time I tried on bathing suits, I was really hating how I was looking because of all the excess skin on my upper legs since losing the weight I have lost so far.  I do have two bathing suits at home.  One is a few years older and I never liked the way it fit on me.  The other one is a tankini top with a skirt for the bottom.  I wore it last year.  I wasn't digging the skirt because it didn't really suit my tastes, but it also reminded me of my ex because I spent a lot of time wearing it when we were together.  So I wanted something new.

I went to a store that I knew had lots of bathing suits that would fit me.  I grabbed about ten different ones and went into the dressing room.  I decided to take pictures of myself with each one on with my cell phone so that I could objectively select the best one for me.  I hated the fit of each and every one.  I even grabbed bathing suits that were a few sizes too big to see if that would help, which, of course, it didn't.  They were either body-hugging and made me uncomfortable or the excess skin was prominently displayed and it made me incredibly uncomfortable.

In all this time that I have been losing weight, I have not been as negative about my body as I was when I was in the dressing room trying on those bathing suits today.  I finally had to get out of there.  As I was leaving the store, a woman crossed my path, but not before she looked at my body up and down.  I swear, I could have decked her for taking a look at my body and blatantly staring at me.  But whatever, I wasn't caring about her in that moment. 

I got in my car and caught what I was doing.  I was completely feeding into the negativity.  I sat there for a minute and said to myself, Whoa, stop it right now!  Okay, so things aren't where I want them to be today, but like hell was I going to let myself play into the stupid mind-game that I was entering.  There is an amazing work that is being done within me right now and I am not going to discount that by horrid self-talk.  So, I began to refocus.  I quickly did a little gratitude list in my head of where I am right now from a physical standpoint, since that was what I was focusing on.  It included things such as:

• I have lost 143 pounds in five months, which is no small feat.
• When I first started Optifast, I was wearing clothes that were size 34 or 4x.  Today I wear an 18/20 or 1x.
• I am no longer a diabetic who has to inject insulin or take oral medication.
• I can fit behind the wheel of my car without a seat belt extension when before my tummy always touched the steering wheel and I had to have that extension.
• I no longer sweat, except when I'm exercising.  In fact, most of the time I am cold.
• My skin glows because of all the water I'm drinking.
• I have an incredible amount of energy.

I could go on and on with the list, but you get the idea.  Beyond the physical changes are so many wonderful things as well.  Ultimately, I need to face the fears I was feeling inside, whatever they may be.  Maybe I'm not perfect, but I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be right where I sit today.  I am a loved person, even I know that deep down inside.  I was not going to let that negativity that was doing it's best to creep in stay with me.  I refuse to do that to myself.  I deserve so much better than that crap!  Actually, we all deserve so much better than that.  That's not to say that it doesn't take a lot of work to combat the negative talk.  It does, but I really don't want to repeat patterns of the past.  I want to walk forward in the healthiest way possible.  I am thrilled I was able to catch myself in the moment.