Hindsight is always 20/20

I wish I could have do-over on my day.  Of course, things are always easier when you know how it will play out.  I just was so self-critical today and I really don't like that.  To start off, I had an appointment with my physical therapist very early this morning.  There's a table I lie on where he checks my flexibility and I do my exercises with him.  Right across from the table is a big mirror.  When I was done with the exercises, he asked me to sit up and slip on my shoes while he was going to go make me copies of some new exercises he would like me to do at home.  I was very much aware of the mirror so I purposely sat out of view from it.  My left arm ended up being visible and all I could focus on was the excess weight in my upper arms.  I found myself looking away, at anywhere but there.  I tried to force my sleeve down to cover up that body part.  I was so relieved when he came back to rescue me from myself.

Later on I was at home working in my closet.  I finally decided to put away some of the clothes that don't fit me any longer after I became very frustrated with what I was going to take on my vacation tomorrow.  Barely anything in that closet fits.  I know that I am working on it and, hopefully, will continue losing weight but it's so frustrating to have to recycle the same five outfits over and over again.  I remember the big deal it was last year for me to give away boxes and boxes of my "fat" clothes.  Now I regret doing that.  Of course, at the time, I didn't think I'd ever be back here.  That is not to say I'm at my highest weight.  Any time I need a reminder of that, I can look on this very blog and see the number on the right side of the screen from MyFitnessPal that tells me how much lower I am than my highest weight.  Right now, that's 60 pounds and that definitely is a big deal.

So, I'm just trying the best I can to regroup.  I'm trying to ease up on myself and not be so self-critical.  I want to walk forward into my road trip tomorrow with a positive attitude.  I can let today go, knowing I don't need to treat myself so badly and knowing I'm a work in progress.  On a brighter note, I'm headed off with my mom to Vegas tomorrow.  It's usually a five-hour car trip from here.  My brother and his wife live there as well as my mom's cousin and her husband.  On the other side of my family, my dad will be there with my stepmom from Utah and my stepbrother, his wife and my little niece are coming in as well from Portland.  I'm splitting my time between my mom's side of the family and then my dad's side.  It's great, though, that we'll all be in town together.  As crazy as my family makes me at times, I love them and am looking forward to spending time with them.  I have decided that I'm not going to tell my dad about the gastric bypass yet.  That conversation is not going to happen with him until I'm much closer to a surgery date.  I have a long time between now and then so I'll just take it one step at a time.  Off to pack my bag!

Amazing reaction

My weekly weigh-in was pretty good.  I lost three pounds, which I am perfectly okay with, especially given that it was that time of the month during the week.  Truly, I have finally, finally gotten to that point where I totally get that it is okay not to lose a gargantuan amount of weight each week.  I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing, not cheating on my program and exercising, so I feel good.

During my last post, I wrote about shopping for the dreaded bathing suit.  I had two suits at home, but they were way too big on me when I tried them on.  I was practically swimming in them, so that was a no-go.  I said to myself, okay, I will go out to one more store.  If they don't have something that will work for me, then I will let it be okay.  I really was at peace in the moment about it, realizing it's certainly not the worst thing in the world if I don't go swimming and having gone through my process of feeling negative, then turning it around and ending on a positive note.  It is what it is.

When I got to the store, I pulled about eight bathing suits into the dressing room in different sizes, just in case.  The first one was not looking good on me, so on to the second.  It was a tankini with underwire bra with a cute little skirt for the bottom.  I tried it on and, in that moment, I understood what Cinderella felt like when the glass slipper fit like a glove.  It was perfect on me.  In fact, I looked in the mirror and actually thought I looked cute.  Do you know how huge that is??  Cute in a bathing suit?  Crazy but true.  The little skirt covered the parts of my upper legs that I wanted covered without being long and the rest of the suit accentuated the right parts.  I thought of my ex-boyfriend again, knowing he would have loved the bathing suit on me, and thought to myself, "Ha, you're the big loser, not me, you ass!!"  Okay, I know that was immature, but it's what I felt.  After what he did to me, it was a big deal for me to recognize and really feel in my heart with complete sincerity that he is the one missing out on being in my life, most definitely not the other way around.  When our relationship ended, I was utterly devastated and while he did me no favors, it actually ended up working out for the best because I don't need someone in my life treating me less than I should be treated. 

So anyway, I was proud of myself for being so positive with the experience today and thrilled that it turned out so well.  I'm headed off tomorrow morning with my friend and we are both sooo looking forward to this.  We're excited to become Thelma (me) and Louise (her) for the week, minus the mayhem those two got into!  I am bringing my laptop with me, so I will still be blogging, even from the road.  This is an important process in my program leading towards a successful weight loss.  I am bound and determined that this is my time to finally heal and be in a healthy body.

Upcoming road trips

During July, I will be going on two fabulous road trips.  The first one is with one of my very good friends.  We'll be traveling from San Diego, where we live, up the California coast.  We'll be heading to Santa Barbara, San Simeon and Monterey.  Along the way, we will be staying in lovely hotels that we have decided to splurge at.  I would normally never spend the sort of money on a hotel room that we are during our trip, but, hey, I'm on vacay!  They offer killer views of the ocean, luxurious pools and even massages if we so desire.  When we booked them, we made sure they had fridges and gyms so that we can still take care of our needs.  For me, I will, of course, be on Optifast product and she is doing a special program as well.  So the fridges are for keeping our supplies on hand.  The gyms are to ensure we're keeping healthy.  I'm sure we'll be doing lots of walking on our excursions, but we want to not leave anything to chance.  The difficulty I am encountering is my feelings about being on the product while staying in places that offer great dining and wine tasting.  While I didn't get sad about it, I did tell her I will miss not eating while on our trip.  Don't worry ... I'm not thinking of going off product.  I am committed to my success in this program, as well as afterward.  I know that food will be in my future again and that I can keep the focus on great experiences and the company of my friend.  I was just being honest about how I was feeling.  She told me she understood.  While she is not on Optifast, she will have restrictions as well, so at least we can be there to look out for each other.

Towards the end of July, I will be traveling with my mother from San Diego to Vegas to visit my brother and sister-in-law.  My mother is Filipino and I learned how to make delicous Filipino food from her, like chicken adobo, lumpia, pancet, etc.  Whenever we visit my brother, he always begs my mom to make classic Filipino fare because his wife doesn't like making that kind of food and doesn't make it near as well as my family does (I think you might have to have Filipino DNA coursing in your body to make excellent lumpia).  Normally it is like a feeding frenzy at his house when my mom makes the food, with a bunch of his friends there and everyone absolutely gorging on the food.  My mom does not know moderation so she makes enough food to feed an army, or two.  To take care of myself, I think I am not going to join them the afternoon she makes all that food.  Instead, I'll go to the pool at our hotel, pictured to the left.  Looks scrumptious, doesn't it?  It's not as though I am trying to separate myself from all of them and not having time with my family, but I have got to protect my program as much as possible.  I am sure they will understand because they are super supportive of what I am doing.  The truth is that life still happens, whether or not we are on our fasts.  I am fully aware of that.  While I am feeling strong that I won't "cheat" on my program since I haven't done so already, I also don't need to test myself either.