Wow, sleep does make a difference

I have not been sleeping well lately, actually for the last several months.  I try really hard to relax as much as possible and I take pain medication that makes me drowsy, yet I either get no sleep or just a few hours worth.  Yesterday at about 8 p.m., I saw one of my cats taking a nap on my bed so I decided to lay down next to her for a few minutes. Hearing her purring is always so soothing.  Next thing I knew, I woke up, checked my cell phone to see what time it was (3 a.m.) and then turned over to go back to sleep.  I ended up waking up completely at 5 a.m., arising out of my slumber like Sleeping Beauty.  I felt totally refreshed and full of all kinds of energy.  So that's what it feels like!  Obviously my body was craving every moment of sleep. 

The rest of my day was fantastic.  I went to work, had one of my classes at the university and then went for a workout.  I did great there, earning 6 activity points for the day with my Active Link (for the Weight Watcher's folks out there).  Best of all, my food was really clean and I felt like I took really good care of my body today.  Even sitting in the desk at my class was easier ... it didn't feel as tight a fit as it has been, meaning I'm doing something right because I'm losing pounds, inches or both.  I haven't been on the scale in about a week, so I should probably check that soon.  I missed my Weight Watcher's class on Saturday, so I'll probably just wait until this Saturday and then update my weight on here.  That helps keep me accountable.

I have been working really hard at trying to get in at least 30 minutes of exercise in every day.  During the visit with the therapist and my last appointment with the rheumatologist, they both mentioned how important it was for me to get in at least a half an hour of exercise to help with the pain I have been feeling.  It doesn't have to be strenuous, but just movement is great.  Depending on my activity, my movement is sometimes more intense than others.  When I go walking with other people, it's a bit slower because we talk while we walk.  I am walking with someone else almost every day.  I go with Sara on Sundays and then I walk with one of my friends from work during our lunch break.  Then, in the evenings when I have the time, I will go work out at the gym. 

When I'm working out by myself, it's definitely amped up.  For instance, I spent an hour on the treadmill tonight at the gym.  But I don't just walk at a regular pace.  I add in hills and have intervals of intensity with rest periods in between.  So, for example, after I've done the warm up phase, I'll kick up the speed getting ready for an incline for the length of a song on my iPhone.  Then, when the next song comes on, I'll kick it up more, then pull back when the next one comes on, then kick it up with the next song and so on.  My course is one with hills, so even though I'm not running, I am sweating for sure.  I mean, even my butt feels it.  I left the gym tonight with the front of my t-shirt soaked and I loved it!  It felt so great to come home, have a healthy dinner and then take a shower.  Those showers are the best after a good workout, aren't they?

I am so grateful for the peace that I felt today.  It just felt lovely, like a gift wrapped with a big red bow. 

Yuck, I'm annoyed

My day didn't start out well and so here I am writing because at the end of it, I'm annoyed.  I have all next week off of work, so when I'm in vacation mode, I pay no attention to what times I go to bed or get up except when I have something going on.  Last night I went to bed at 1:30, but I had plans to walk with Sara around our usual lake on Sunday mornings, so I wanted to be sure to be rested.  It's hard being dead tired and walking at the same time.

At about 3:30 a.m., I woke up from a deep sleep and realized I had been dreaming.  This is significant for me because I usually don't get really good rest enough to actually dream.  Yet, there I was, scratching my head and wondering why I was dreaming about drugs.  I know ... weird.  Don't ask me why.  The reason that I woke up, though, was because I was sweating, my heart was beating fast and I was very shaky.  I turned on the fan in my bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed in front of it.  I ran my fingers through my hair, which was damp, and then I realized Oh no, my blood sugar must be low.  I haven't experienced an episode like that in a long time.  Lo and behold, my meter did confirm I was too low.  Dang it.  Unfortunately, it has happened enough in the last couple of months that I knew exactly what to do and found the bottle of grape glucose tablets to eat.  Yuck, that sugary feeling in my mouth.  Double yuck.  Maybe that is why I was dreaming about drugs.  I couldn't settle down my racing chest nor could I close my eyes to get more sleep, so I texted Sara around 7 a.m. and asked if we could go walking around noon.  God bless her for being so flexible.  As we were walking around the lake, I really was in a lot of pain.  My legs felt like they were on fire, so I was really happy that we weren't rushing.  Sara did remind me that a lot of people have pain and that I'm not unique.  I completely understand that, but I would like some relief from the pain that is with me all the time.  I mean, I'm trying to do something healthy like walking and I can't do it without pain.  I could understand it more if I knew why I'm having the pain, but this is the chronic pain my rheumatologist told me I have that really does not have a cure.  It may go away, it may not.  We did three miles and I was glad that at least I'd get some activity points from my ActiveLink since walking that distance is definitely above my baseline level of activity for the monitor.

Later on, I talked to my mom.  We were talking about my brother.  She sent him $400 about a week ago because he and his wife have been struggling financially.  He is an electrician and the current economic bust really hit his industry out in Vegas.  My mother was so concerned about him more than usual because he commented to her that the money she gave him would allow him to get his medication.  He underwent a heart transplant seven years ago, so for him to say something like that is, of course, very unsettling.  If he doesn't have the anti-rejection meds in his body, it could be life or death for him.  I then texted him and asked if he needed more money and he said thanks but no thanks, that they were fine now.  So as my mom and I were talking about that, which is something that I brought up, she said to me on the phone, "Now I could use the help."  I knew what that meant ... she wanted to borrow money from me.  Just to have a good picture of the dynamics, my mother is always trying to borrow money.  She has a gambling problem, so I generally do not give her money.  If she's in a jam, I'll pay for the thing she needs like paying her cell phone bill for the month so that she doesn't have it cut off, that sort of thing.  Our roles are most definitely reversed with me being more the responsible adult than she is.  Don't get me wrong, I do love her, even after everything we've been through, but the issue of money is very sensitive to me.  Yet, I will help her if I can, but never by giving her money.  So today, the reason she needs help is the car I gave her two years ago (when I bought my Element) occasionally needs things repaired.  It was already 12 years old when I gave it to her, but Accords last forever if you take care of them.  I told her to take it to my mechanics because I've been going to their shop since I was 17.  They specialize in Hondas and are honest.  Besides, they took care of that car when I owned it.  I've also warned her that she was going to have some money saved up just in case the car needs repairing, as cars frequently do after they've been around for a while..  It was paid off for several years by the time I gave it to her, but being that old is almost a guarantee that it would need things repaired from time to time.  She was told by some other mechanic that she doesn't even know that she's going to need some work and it's going to cost $500.  She believes this guy and I basically told her that he may be right about whatever she needs done, but I can all but guarantee that he may not be honest with her about the true cost of the repairs.  So my condition to my helping her is that we go together to my mechanics and have it checked out there.  She's been so stubborn about going to them, instead opting for people she doesn't know to fix it because they "look honest".  So was Eddie Haskell!  We're going on Tuesday morning and I'll get my oil changed while I'm there.  I was annoyed because this came up with my brother refusing my money, so that's the moment I felt pounced on.  Like I said before, my mother will not know that there is any sort of settlement surrounding the worker's comp injuries.  There's no way I'm about to share that.  No matter what the amount is, that money will never reverse the injuries in my body that are a result of work - they are permanent - so I'm not about to have it thrown around.  Just the thought of that annoyed me.

Then the final annoyance was when I took off my ActiveLink and plugged it into my laptop to see how many activity points I earned.  Walking those three miles was painful today, so at least give me a few activity points for that, please.  I don't really use them to eat more food, even though I'm allowed to do that through Weight Watchers, but I like to see how active I am when I'm really trying.  And how many did I earn?  0.  That's right, nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zip.  Oh man was I annoyed by that.  Then I wondered if maybe it was because the intensity level wasn't there.  Maybe my baseline of activity shows me as more active generally and I have to work above that level.  So then I wondered, Okay, if I walked three miles today and didn't earn any activity points, then am I supposed to walk six?  Am I supposed to jog?  Should I kill it when I'm at the gym tomorrow?

So there you have it ... I was annoyed today.  And, okay, truth be told, I'm still annoyed.  I can tell because I can feel my fingers angrily typing the keyboard on this laptop as I'm writing this message.  I don't want any of this to send me in a tailspin of emotions.  The pain in my body is something I'm going to have to learn to live with and understand I have limitations.  I have to work at accepting my mother at the place where she is right now and love her.  And I definitely don't need to kill myself with exercise.  If I can do more, I will, but if I'm already in pain and worried about maintaining a certain level of intense activity, it's going to set me up to wanting to eat something to make myself feel better.  Excuse me, but I'm not about to go there, not today.  I'm heading in the right direction, down, and I want to keep going.  I am going to commit to whoever is reading this that I am going to let the annoyances I felt today go for the rest of the evening, perhaps go to bed at a decent hour to get a good night of sleep and just trust that God is walking next to me as I continue to move forward.  Breathe, Kathy, just breathe.

Got back on the horse ... okay, the treadmill, but same diff

I had one of my communication classes tonight at the university.  When we started the class three weeks ago, we were in a different room with tables instead of desks.  I'm always the one having a worry about whether or not I'll fit in the desks.  I was convinced, even at my lowest weight, that I couldn't squeeze in them and would embarrass myself in front of other people.  So, for this class, the professor ended up moving us to a bigger room but they have desks.  The first time I saw them, I gulped because I am no longer at my smallest weight.  Granted, I still am 117 pounds down from my top weight, but I wasn't getting a good feeling inside.  By the way, I have five students who are graduates of the high school I work at in my class.  I don't think they've recognized me yet but it was one of the things I was to avoid - not to have college classes with the kids that attended my high school because they likely would have known me when they've come into my office for help.  It's just an awkward situation.  Not to fit in the desk in front of them would have been even more mortifying.  Thankfully, though, I did fit in the desk but just barely.  It still cuts into my tummy and my right side.  When I get up, there are red marks on my skin.  I know that I only have to endure that one time each week because the other class I'm in has bigger desks, but this is the second week that has left me feeling really bad about myself for having gained weight and being in that position to have to worry about fitting in the desk.  Last week I was really upset with the situation and I caught myself feeling the same way during class tonight.  However, I told myself that it's not fair to treat myself in that way because I deserve to be treated in the same way I would treat another person.  While the professor was lecturing, I devised a plan in my head for the rest of the evening that would lend to me not taking it out on food, which was in my mind.

After class was over, I chose not to head to the grocery store, which is where I was planning to go on my way home from school.  We're having a potluck at work tomorrow and I was going to pick something up to make for that.  Then I thought to myself, No, you have absolutely no business going into a grocery store with how you're feeling right now.  So, instead, I decided that going for a workout would be a better idea.  I headed home first to have a healthy snack before working out because I hadn't had anything to eat since 1:00 p.m. and it was already 7:00 p.m.  I knew in my heart that if I didn't have something to eat before working out, my blood sugar would plummet.  But, before I walked in the door, I planned out what my snack would be - a banana and some luncheon meat for protein.  I checked my blood sugar and it was right in the range it was supposed to be in.  Tomorrow's luncheon can have something prepared by the grocery store folks - taking care of myself in the healthiest way possible was far better than bringing something to the potluck that is homemade.

At the gym, I saw the treadmill where I fell and decided to get on one on the other side of the room.  Why chance it!  I started out slow and a little gingerly because I really didn't want to fall again.  Just in case, I completely familiarized myself with where the emergency button is to stop the treadmill.  Everything happened so fast when I fell the other day that I don't think I even had time to look for it.  I took my time stretching before getting started, did a warm up and then I was at regular pace.  It felt really good knowing that I was taking great care of my body with the exercise and healthy snack.  And oh man was I really moving ... there was sweat dripping down my chest and soaking part of my shirt.  My body was really happy that I was taking care of it, though.  I am always in pain between my arms, back and legs, but the exercise helps tremendously for my back and legs.  It doesn't take the pain away necessarily, but it gives those parts a good stretch and takes some of the edge off.  I ended up doing three in a half miles in an hour and I was so happy I made the decision to go there. 

When I got home, I had a really healthy meal and felt proud of the good choices I made.  I have been using the Weight Watcher's Active Link.  It's their version of a Fit Bit.  You put this little device on your body and it tells you how much you've been active in the day and turns all of that into activity points.  In Weight Watchers, every food you eat is assigned a point value based on the amount of fat, carbs, fiber and protein is present in that food.  You are also assigned a certain number of points to eat per day based on your height and age.  So I have 47 points.  I can also use any activity points I have earned towards more food if I choose since I'm more active.  With the Active Link, the bummer is that you have to spend eight days setting a baseline, which is where it measures your typical activity so that it can help you set goals for the day.  Today was the first day, after completing the assessment, that I could finally see how many activity points I ended up with.  The problem with my day is that I do a lot of sitting in my job, so I have to make a point of getting up to stretch.  My back appreciates when I do that.  So I'll do things like put my lunch in one of the refrigerators in the staff lounge instead of keeping it at my desk so I'm forced to get up to get my snacks or lunch.  Or I'll drink a lot more water so I know I'll be making trips to the restroom more frequently.  The goal set by the Active Link is for me to earn two activity points per day.  Today I did six, which, according to the program, is the highest zone for physical activity.  What was hilarious is it told me that I spent 37 minutes running today.  No, I didn't run but I looked to see where it said I did that and it was while I was on the treadmill.  I must have been walking fast enough to feel like I was running.  That could explain why I was sweating it up.Anyway, all in all, it was a pretty good day.  I'm so grateful to feel peaceful at the end of the day. 

That thousand pound telephone

I'm doing pretty well so far on the commitments I made for myself that I posted on Sunday.  Yeah, I know it's only Tuesday, but let's see ...

• Pack my lunch/snacks the night before work for the next day. Done.
• Continuing to track every food I have in my WW tracker, no matter what. Done.
• Figuring out what I'll wear the night before so that I have plenty of time to eat breakfast in the morning and other things I need to do before heading out the door without rushing. Done.
• Setting up a fruit bowl on my dining room table which is where I will go for easy to grab snacks.  I might even consider doing one at work, too.  Done.
• Putting my workout clothes in see-through bins in my bedroom so that they are in plain sight as a reminder to exercise.  In fact, tomorrow I plan on bringing my clothes with me so that I can go for a workout on my way home from work. Done.
• At some point this week, I will look into scheduling an appointment to meet with a therapist through Kaiser. And a big fat DONE. 

I am the first one to admit that preparing takes a lot more work than just dealing with things as I go.  Packing my lunch and picking out clothes the night before does take more work but it's more than worth the time.  The mornings don't seem as harried and I know that I'm taking good care of myself.  The biggest accomplishment on the list, by far, was the phone call I made to get the ball rolling on therapy.  I have to say that I was feeling the nervous nellies in my tummy as I picked up the phone but it was the bravest thing I did today.  Brave? Seriously??  Yes, brave.  It was a step in continuing to walk toward putting the past behind me and daring to adventure into an unknown land.  It's me not willing to accept a life where I am a miserable 420 pounds.  As the assistant was asking me questions to see what type of therapy I need, I could feel the tears well in my eyes.  It wasn't out of fear or feeling scared, but I think more a sense of relief that I am facing demons head on.  The soonest appointment I could get was February 28th, unfortunately.  I did ask her to put me on a waiting list if any cancellations come up.  She acted like it was a big deal and told me she would have to get her supervisor involved.  Instead of backing down, I thanked her and told her I would appreciate that.  Otherwise, I would have to wait until mid-March just for the initial meeting, which is where I complete the paperwork, meet with a therapist and we go over a treatment plan.  The only bummer is that I have a community college coming onto our campus to conduct a workshop at the high school on the 28th, so I'm hoping one of our counselors can help with that so that I can keep the appointment.  I always hate to impose on them since they are just as busy as I am, but I also know they all care for me deeply.  Hopefully there will be a cancellation and I won't have to wait so long.  I'm one of those people who, once they make a decision, they want to take action on it now.

One of the fun things I did today was I finally got myself a little activity tracker.  I have been talking about getting a Fitbit or something similar for a couple of months now.  It's a little device that tracks your steps and other activity throughout the day and shows how many calories you're burning.  I didn't end up getting that little gadget, but I did get the Weight Watcher's version, Active Link.  It's a little gadget that looks like a thumb drive that I wear on my body.  It tracks my movements for seven full days to get a baseline of my activity to help me set fitness goals.  Then, the following week, I'll be able to see how active I am each day.  Then, when it's plugged into the computer, it syncs with my WW account and converts all my movement into activity points.  I currently am allotted 47 points for food on a daily basis and activity points converts to add to my daily total.  Let's face it, the more active we are, the more food we require to keep up energy levels.  I'm still learning as I go with how WW works, but so far it's been good.  While I was at the Weight Watcher's store buying my Active Link, I bought this really awesome success package they put together for new people.  For $40, it comes with a recipe book with meal ideas, a workout video, diary for tracking my food manually, a workbook that has strategies for being successful on the program, measuring cups and measuring tape all in a too-cute-for-words carrying case.

Look, you can even see my bowl of fruit ;-)

I am doing everything I can to be as successful as possible.  I feel like a sponge just soaking it all up, but that's not a bad thing at all.  My goal is to do whatever they tell me successful people in the program do and to do it without question.  I have a really open mind about it all and staying positive, I think, is half the battle.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my rheumatologist.  I'm hoping we can get closer on figuring out what is causing the pain I've had in my upper legs for the last year.  I'm really tired of not feeling well and living with something for a year with no explained reason can't be good.  Hopefully I'll have more to report after I see him.