New beginnings

Hi everyone!  I didn't realize it had actually been a month since I posted, but an anonymous person left me a message asking where I was.  Thank you, friend.  I seriously didn't realize it had been that long.  I haven't meant to not give my blog that much time in the last few months.  It has been a very important part of my journey, a place where I can be honest about feelings and emotions as I go through my weight loss and life.  Perhaps that's why I haven't been writing, because it's the very thing that helps me search my soul.  That's something I seriously need to think about.  I promise myself, and you, that I'm not abandoning my blog.  In fact, I need to kick up posting here routinely again.  I know, I've said this before but honestly the benefits are so substantial that I need to do it.  After I'm done posting this, I'll put a calendar reminder on my phone.  Maybe that will help me get my butt in gear.

Today is officially seven months since I got the gastric bypass done.  In so many ways, the time has flown by.  In other ways, it has been creeping by.  Things are so much different for me now since the surgery.  It not only rearranged my insides and helped me lose 100 pounds since the surgery (yahoo!), but it has really affected my outlook on life.  Don't worry though, they have been positive things for me.  I am a much stronger person who goes after things that I might have been too shy or afraid to do before.  Sometimes that hasn't always worked out, but life is all about taking risks to get rewards.  Putting your neck out there isn't the easiest thing.  One thing, for example, has been dating.  What a scary thing to do for a lot of people, but even more so for a person who has always had a weight problem, feeling insecure about her looks and attractiveness to men, and losing weight at the same time.  I've met some men who I have dated, others who are examples of the negative side of online dating and everything in between.  I was recently dating someone who got very intense very fast with me and ended up asking me for money while professing love.  No, I didn't give him money (I'm a smarter girl than that) and, yes, I ended our relationship.  It wasn't easy because I had feelings for him, but it's what I knew was the right thing to do for myself.  So, I'm single ... again.  I'm taking a little break from dating for a bit after that one.  When I think about it, though, my ability to have so many men interested must mean I'm not as ugly as my fat-girl head wants me to believe I am.  Sure, some may have had ulterior motives, but I'm still attractive enough to get attention from interested people. 

Yesterday I went and got another tattoo.  I'm 43 years old and always wanted tattoos, but I suppose I never had the courage to go after them because of the pain I imagined in my mind, the fact that they are permanent and I also probably cared way too much about what my parents think.  They are both very conservative and have voiced negative opinions about them in the past so I knew they wouldn't be supportive.  But, like I mentioned above, the surgery changed so much in me and I have come to realize this life is way too short.  The last tattoo I got was the butterfly on my back flying away from my surgery date.  I always get compliments on that one when people see it.  Obviously I love it.  The one I got yesterday is a cherry blossom on my leg.  Cherry blossoms are delicate and cherished for their beauty.  Think about when cherry blossoms bloom on the east coast and how much they are adored.  They signify new beginnings, new life, strength and beauty.  That's what I'm all about these days.  I'm going to post some pics below so that you can see the process I went through to get the tat.  It took four hours, but I had the banter of two special friends, as well as the tattoo artist, so the time flew by.  Yes, it was painful.  My leg even had involuntary reflexes when he inked certain parts but I managed just fine. It actually wasn't bad overall, just some parts, particularly when he was doing the outlining and the fact that it was near or on top of big bones.  I'm absolutely thrilled with the outcome.  Maybe next time I'll make it to more than three months before I get my next tat.  No guarantees, though :)

Exercising my butt off (literally)

Each day that passes since the surgery, I find it easier and easier to exercise on a more regular basis. The pain that I was experiencing on my left side under one of my incisions seems to have subsided.  So, I have really been kicking up my exercise.  I started going back to the gym this week. I cannot lift weights yet because of surgical restrictions, but I am doing things like walking on the treadmill, using the stationary bike, and elliptical machine.  Believe me, I definitely am sweating hard doing those things.  I also have been out walking in my neighborhood or at the beach and really enjoying the weather. I am pretty amazed at what my body is able to handle.  Today a dear friend and I went to the San Diego Zoo Safari Park and got in exercise but also had a great time hanging out together and seeing all the various animals at the park. Here are some great pictures of us enjoying our day.

 

We somehow managed to get in about 10,000 steps walking all over the park.  It was my first time having food away from home. It's a little scarier being away from the safety of my home but I just had to trust that something would be available to me. We ended up ordering a fish taco plate. I know that doesn't sound like the best thing in the world to have, but it actually worked out pretty well given I'm still limited to soft foods and seafood. Yes, the fish was battered and it came with a mound of tortilla chips and other things I couldn't eat. However, I took one of those battered fish while she had the other and removed all of the breading. That left me with about a one ounce piece of cod.  It also came with pinto beans that we both shared and a dipping sauce I put on top of the fish.  It actually worked out pretty well. Everything was moist so I did not experience dumping at the park. I was really grateful for that because I was worried that might happen while I was out in public.  After surgery, many people worry about having food in public because of the fear of dumping.  This is something I cannot take for granted because there may come a time when I will experience that away from home. But, thankfully today, I just was able to have a good time with no worries.

We got in some great exercise and I got a lot of sun on my face. By the time we came home, I was exhausted and needed to rest.  I do need to pace myself and remember to rest when I become tired. This is something that I take for granted sometimes because I forget that my body went through major surgery. That's a blessing, but also a curse at the same time.  I will be returning to work next Thursday, so I need to listen to the cues my body gives me when it's telling me I'm tired.  I am still in recovery mode so I need to be especially alert.

One other thing I'm working on right now is going through some of my clothes that have become too big on me. I know it's a nice problem to have!  The thing is that a lot of my clothes are hanging on to me, especially my pants.  For some reason, it's just so hard to let go of those bigger clothes. I remember that when I was on Optifast and I had lost a ton of weight, I gave away a bunch of my bigger clothes and, when I gained weight back, I had nothing to wear. Now I look at it as a different experience.  I don't want to live in fear that I am going to need to keep my bigger clothes so that I can perhaps one day fit back into them if necessary.  I want to be able to move forward and know that the process I'm going through is one of health and that when it's time to let go of things like those clothes, it's okay.  In fact, one of my girlfriends gave me a bunch of clothes that are in the next size down for me and they actually fit now.  I'm a little hesitant to start wearing them yet because they fit perfectly and I like things a little bit looser but I know that that's something I can work on in time.  I'm grateful to have the experience of having clothes that are too big. I will take that any day of the week!

Shocking to read about food addiction in that magazine

I have a couple of fitness magazine subscriptions that I get every month.  I signed up for them during a time when I got really cheap deals, like $10 for a year.  I was interested in healthier ways of living, exercises to do at home and inspirational stories of transformation.  I'm slowly letting the subscriptions run out because I find myself having less time to read them and after getting them for a few years, it seems like the same types of stories are recycled.

I picked up my latest issue of Shape with Ivanka Trump on the cover and eye-grabbing headlines, such as:

Easy Weight Loss:  See Results in 4 Days
Trimmed and Toned in 23 Minutes
Send Your Sex Drive Soaring

I don't want to bag on Shape, but I did roll my eyes and felt like my decision to let go of the subscription was a good thing.  Maybe those articles are something a lot of people look for, but I guess I have moved on.  I'm more interested in making lifestyle changes that will stay with me over the long haul and not the latest faddish trend that's just more of the same for me.

I was absolutely floored, though, when I stumbled upon an article in their May issue, Could you eat just one?  A sidebar had this lead-in:  "If snacking on cookies, chips, or other treats regularly becomes a binge, some experts might consider you an addict.  Here's what you should know about compulsive eating - and how to maintain a healthy relationship with food."

Wow!  I was intrigued that they were delving into such a deep and searching subject.  Not many people openly talk about food addiction without putting some sort of societal judgement upon the subject.  In fact, the addiction to food is presented as almost a non-issue as compared to drug or alcohol addiction.  Those are much more serious than a little problem with food, at least in the eyes of those that look down on the issue.  The truth is that food addiction is a problem and the fact that most don't consider it to be so only aids in it becoming a bigger problem.  It is really easy to say to someone, "Just push away from the table" or "Why don't you just eat less and exercise more?"  If you have an addiction, how do you do that exactly?  Can you imagine telling an alcoholic, "Just stop drinking alcohol and drink more water."  It's not that simple.

I was really pleased with how deeply the article went into cravings versus addiction and identifying what may be the difference for people.  I certainly identified with the danger of having certain foods in my kitchen because I know I just can't stop with having only a little bit.  For me, a bag of this or a carton of that calls to me until it's all gone.  I'm generally fine when things are out of my house, but not when they are brought in.  It's so fascinating that I can abstain from a certain food group for a long time but still be drawn back like a moth to a flame.

I remember a situation a long time ago that made it clear as day to me that I was addicted to food or could be labeled as a compulsive eater.  I had a situation at my workplace over fifteen years ago in which a student had threatened to commit suicide over the phone with me.  I handled the situation at the time, but I did request the opportunity to participate in refresher crisis intervention training.  A little bit later, a workshop was being held and so I decided to attend.  We talked about a lot of issues in that workshop, but one such area was about addiction and the hold it has over an individual and their loved ones.  We role-played interventions, which was so eye-opening for me.  Our scenario was that we were dealing with a student who was addicted to drugs and were doing an intervention with him.  As this activity was going on, I thought to myself, "My God, this could be me except with food and not drugs."  Then, when we watched the video of an actual intervention in that dark room, tears started to fall down my face as I realized that it not only could be me but it was me.  In that moment, I knew that it was more than just mind over matter.

I applaud Shape for tackling such a difficult subject.  It takes a lot to stand behind such a controversial topic, but they did it justice The best part of the article for me was the ending piece where it talked about a person who had weight loss surgery.  She got to a normal body size but her "mind remained hungry".  As I work my way towards my own surgery in the next few months, I have to remain ever vigilant to doing the work to heal the addictive part of my relationship with food.  I'm so glad I am continuing to seek the advice of my wise therapist and participate in my weekly bariatric classes.  Those things are really aiding in my healing and leading towards a healthier life.

Water Challenge Day 98:  Drank 180 of 178 ounces

I keep learning why it's important to log things

I am one of those people that keeps lists of lists.  I have to keep them otherwise I'll forget half my world.  It especially happens when I have too much on my mind.  That's the same reason I keep everything on my calendar.  If it doesn't tell me where to go and when, I'm in trouble.  In the same vain, writing things down keeps me honest.  If my doctor has to remind me to send her my blood sugar numbers to see if my diabetes is in check, it means that they are out of whack and I'm avoiding checking to see the truth.  If I don't get on the scale, it's because I'm afraid to see the number in between my feet.

Imagine my resistance when I was told at the beginning of the pre-op bariatric classes that I would need to keep a log of all of the food I eat and that I would need to show it to the facilitator every week.  I was resentful, but compliant.  I didn't say anything about how I felt, just did what I was told.  Secretly I hated tracking every single thing I ate.  I mean, how do you track when you make a sandwich?  Let's see.

2 pieces of whole wheat bread
1 slice of cheese
2 slices of turkey breast
1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of mustard
1 piece of lettuce
2 slices of tomatoes

Are you freakin' kidding me?  All of that for one measly sandwich?  Grr, okay.  I did remember I was using MyFitnessPal before, so I could scan the food with a barcode.  It still felt cumbersome, but whatever.  In the beginning, I'd have to catch up on my days that I would have something to show when I had to produce my food log on my phone.  Over time, though, I would log things in as I had them, even after we weren't required to show our food log any longer.  After a while, it became habit and I'm even doing it together with a bunch of people who help me stay more accountable.  Accountability is a big thing for me.  I definitely have to be accountable to myself.  Yet, knowing that other people are going to see what I'm doing is something that helps me stay away from certain foods enough to the point that I'm now doing it on my own because it's what I choose, not for fear that someone else will judge me.

This weekend my mom is staying with me.  She likes taking care of me and making the meals.  It's a sweet thing because it allows her to still be a mom taking care of her child.  I do have to talk to her about making less starchy food because I don't really eat it as much as I used to.  When she came with her belongings today, she brought something I used to have as a child.  My mother is Filipino (I'm Filipino on her side and Hungarian, Norwegian and German on my dad's side for anyone who's curious), so there are certain dishes that are staples in that diet, most of which I just can't eat in any great quantity.  The thing she brought today was a food called Pan De Coco.  It's sweet white bread with a coconut sugary concoction in the middle.

I know it sounds a little weird, but it's really good.  I rationalized in my head that having one wouldn't be bad at all since they are so little.  She only brought two, so she would have one and I would have one.  After I was done with my meal, I logged that piece of bread in along with other things I had.  I realized in that moment, like a slap upside my head, the brilliance of logging in all your food.  That little piece of bread had 349 calories and 61 grams of carbs.

Speechless.

So, seriously, log your food.  If you don't use MyFitnessPal, then use some other method that gives you nutritional values.  It is a major eye-opener.  I remember eating several of these things in one sitting when I was a kid.  I could never do that now without my blood sugar going through the roof.  I still managed to end the day with eating 1238 calories and having burned a lot through exercise, so everything was manageable.  The issue, though, is that I don't want to travel down that road where one bad choice leads to another.  I've been doing great with my food intake and I want to continue on that positive trend.

Water Challenge Day 84:  Drank 178 of 178 ounces

Pre-op class #13, weekly weigh-in & lab results

This week's pre-op class about understanding the basics of gastric bypass surgery as well as some great questions to ask the surgeon when it comes time.  Right now, I am choosing to move forward with the vertical sleeve.  However, if my surgeon will only support the bypass, then I will yield to his expertise.  For diabetics, a lot of medical professionals do recommend the bypass because of how many patients come out of the surgery with their symptoms of diabetes in remission.  However, it is not guaranteed and it does happen with the sleeve as well.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not discounting the bypass at all.  I just have a preference for the sleeve due to the lack of malabsportion issues and my insides will not be rerouted.  Besides, anything with less potential complications is something I'd like to do.  The way the program through Kaiser works is that you complete the six months of pre-op classes and then begin meeting with doctors and a psychiatrist before then having the surgery.  Next month I will be going to an information session with one of the surgeons to learn more about the specific process and to receive more paperwork to complete.  It seems like things are actually happening rather than just waiting around for the next step that seems months away.

My weigh-in was good ... I lost three pounds.  I am thrilled to continue losing weight.  I have really kicked up my exercise since I got the Fitbit.  In fact, I just received an e-mail today telling me that I have passed the 50-mile mark.  So I've walked over 50 miles in the 11 days I have had it.  I know I keep going on and on about this lovely little gadget and I'm sorry if you're rolling your eyes at me (I know someone out there is!), but it has really motivated me to get moving.  When I returned to work today, I thought to myself, "I can't sit down - I have places to walk."  Being gone from the office for a week meant I had no choice but to sit and catch up on phone calls and emails but I was able to go for a walk during lunch.  Then, later in the evening, I walked in place in my living room while watching a show.

I did receive some results of blood work I had completed recently.  One of the things was that the bariatric surgery care manager wanted to have my vitamin D level looked at again.  Back in December, my level was out of the normal range so I had to take 50,000 units of vitamin D for a while and then take 2,000 units of vitamin D3 daily after that.  Now my number has moved from a 24 to a 31, with the normal range being 30-100.  While they are glad I'm now normal, the case manager states that it is much more effective if it's in the 50-60 range so now I need to take 3,000 units of vitamin D3 daily.  Of course I will do what they want.  I'm not going to sit in regret about what I "could" or "should" have done.  I'm just going to keep moving forward because that's all I can do with that, or most anything else for that matter.

Water Challenge Day 81:  Drank 187 of 187 ounces

Pre-op class #12, weekly weigh-in & seeing my therapist

Last night was class number 12 of my pre-op bariatric classes through Kaiser.  Hooray, we're halfway there!  I find myself looking forward to the classes every week, not only because of what we may be talking about but also because my fellow classmates are an amazing group of people.  We had a speaker who shared her experience of having the gastric sleeve done about a year and a half ago.  She even revealed her stomach with the excess skin.  For some people, that might have been discouraging since it seems most have a huge hope that they will be the person who does not end up with loose skin.  With the amount of weight I need to lose, I am realistic and know I will be sporting excess skin.  But I look at it this way:  would I rather have excess skin or a round body that fills up all my skin?  Besides, I lost 192 pounds before ... I know exactly what my body looked like at the time.  My tummy wasn't bad at all compared to my thighs.  I had major excess skin there.  Yet, I accept it for what it is and would gladly have that problem versus being overweight and unhealthy.  My whole thing with having the weight loss surgery has been about quality of life issues.

In terms of my weigh-in, I lost another two pounds.  Yay!  I'm happy to steadily be going down, down, down.  That's a 16 pound loss since I started the classes, which I will gladly take.  During my Spring Break this week, I have been trying to stay as active as possible.  This morning, for example, I decided that I was going to go to one of our local lakes that has a five mile course around it and get a good walk in.  It's been hot here, in the 90's, but I figured that since I was walking in the morning, it wouldn't be so bad.  I wasn't intending on walking all the way around the lake, but maybe doing about three miles or so.  How bad can exercise be when there's such a pretty view?  This is a picture of part of the lake on the right.  As I parked my car and prepared my gear for the walk, I thought to myself, "Hmm, feels a little warm."  Despite how pretty it was, I was sweating in a matter of a few minutes and decided to turn my shrinking butt around and head back to my car.  It was just way to hot for comfort (I found out later it was 95 degrees).  I did a mile there and then decided that the air conditioned comfort of my gym had my name all over it!  I ended up doing three more miles on the treadmill with the cool air surrounding me.  Ahhhh.

Prior to my class yesterday, I had a session with my therapist.  Man, that was incredibly emotional.  I'm one of those people who refuses to lie to her therapist because, really, what's the point of that?  When I get honest, especially about things that I carefully avoid talking about to other people, the emotions seem to smack me in the face and leave me feeling incredibly vulnerable.  One of the first things we talked about is something that has been bothering me for quite some time.  In the last year or two, my fear of heights has gotten to a debilitating level and it's really concerning me.  I've always had a fear of heights, ever since I was a small child.  Lately, though, it's crossed over into almost a terror feeling.  I will avoid heights, no matter if it's a few feet off the ground or several stories.  I think it's not even about the height necessarily but the fear of falling.  I was recently walking with a friend on a very small bridge and told her I had to turn around.  When you look at the bridge we were on, you would probably question my sanity because it was not that high at all.  It's just an awful feeling for me inside.  My heart starts racing, my legs become rubbery and I go into a panic attack.  It's a horrible feeling that I can't really describe well, but it is a true fear for me.  Suffice it to say that I avoid heights at all costs.  It's been bothering me a lot, though, because I feel absolutely disabled by it.  So we're going to start treatment in regards to that.  I know this means that, through the therapy, I will likely eventually have to get back on a bridge or some such thing.  I'm tired of avoiding it, though.  There are things I simply won't do because heights are involved.

The other half of the session focused in on the issue I described in my last post - feeling "less than" and body image.  Thank you to those who were so sweet to leave me a message.  We really delved into my history with men, from being raped, having a period of high promiscuity to even how things ended with my ex-boyfriend.  I was in absolute tears talking to her.  It's not as if I'm planning on looking to start a relationship right now.  With my preparation for surgery, I have a lot on my plate and getting involved with someone is not something I want to do.  Can you imagine dating and having to explain why you're only eating tiny bits of food or somehow experience "dumping" in front of them?  That would be incredibly embarrassing.  The feelings that I'm going through right now are more about loving and accepting myself now.  We definitely are our own worst critics, me included.  I don't want to look in the mirror and think of myself as an ugly, unworthy, hideous human being any longer.  That's not fair, to myself or anyone else that tells me I'm opposite of that.  I even had a man checking me out several times at the gym today.  If that's not a boost, then I don't know what is!  These are feelings I don't verbalize with other people, but I do want to be able to get to a point where I can appreciate myself in the same way others do.  I don't want to constantly stare in the mirror and tear myself down.  So I'm bringing these feelings out and talking about them with my therapist.  She told me she wants to see me more often, which I'm happy to do.  I want to move past the self-criticism into a healthier existence - body, mind and soul.

Water Challenge Day 75:  Drank 180 of 178 ounces 

Pre-op class #7, weekly weigh-in and serious contemplation

Boooo, I didn't lose weight this week.  I know that's okay, but I was a bit disappointed.  I'll keep trekking along.  It's hard to believe I already finished my seventh pre-op class ... they seem to be going pretty quickly.  Of course the process from the start of making the decision to having weight loss surgery up to now has been slow, but the anxiousness I had been feeling before is not with me now.  I find it difficult to make this huge, life-altering decision only to be told I would have to wait about nine months for that to happen.  Yet, I have found myself happy that Kaiser put on the brakes so that I could be educated during this time.  

The class last night was an opportunity to learn more about the difference between a gastric bypass and vertical sleeve, the two choices we are given through Kaiser.  Not one to be patient and wait for this particular week to learn more information, I have been doing a lot of research on my own.  I don't take this lightly and so I find a huge desire to be well informed.  The principal at the school where I work has called me a lifelong learner because I approach things like this as a student.  That's not necessarily a bad thing at all.

Bypass or sleeve, which way to go?  Oh, if only you could get in my head right now.  I cannot possibly describe the level of seesawing I feel inside.  In the beginning, I was all about the bypass.  People keep calling it the "gold standard", the one in which other surgeries try to emulate.  That makes sense since it has been around the longest and has a proven track record.  Then, as I was doing more research, I felt sure that I had switched and wanted to pursue the sleeve.  It simply is far less invasive and does not have the malabsportion issues prominent with the bypass.  I believe constipation is a bigger issue, which has to be a large concern for me since I had some major problems when I was on Optifast.  Of course, ninety percent of your stomach is removed, so there's that to consider.  However, after the discussion last night, now I wonder if perhaps the bypass is a better surgery for my situation.  The biggest issue is that I am a diabetic and most people who have that choice of surgery have diabetes resolved.  That's a big deal to me.  Of course, it does happen with the sleeve as well.  If I go with the bypass, I will have to be very committed to taking the supplements for the rest of my life because my body will not naturally be able to produce those essential nutrients any longer.  When I think about my commitment, I think about my brother.  He had a heart transplant years ago and while he does not take nearly as many anti-rejection meds as he did in the beginning, he must take pills every day.  The flip side of that is that he was given a new life, so a few pills in the big scheme of things isn't really a big deal.  He is committed to his new life, so this begs the question:  Am I just as committed?

Can you see now why I'm freakin' confused??  The facilitator did assure me that I will have an opportunity to speak with the surgeon and discuss my choices prior to the surgery so that we can make a decision together.  I have a feeling I will be told the bypass will be the surgery he will support for me because of the diabetes, but I also want to discuss the sleeve as an option.  On paper, it makes more sense to go with the bypass but my poor body has been through so much and to put it through the more invasive surgery as an automatic choice is something I fight. According to our patient manual, the weight loss is about the same with both procedures, although it will be a little slower with the sleeve.  When the possible complications with a bypass are 23 percent as compared to less than five percent with the sleeve, I'm sure you can understand my pause.

There are some questions that I will need to consider as part of all of this.  Instead of rushing through them in class last night, I want to spend some time really working on them this week and honestly searching my soul in terms of what is right for me.  Some of those questions include:

• Why am I contemplating bariatric surgery?
• Which type of surgery do I want and why?
• Have I honestly tried to lose weight non-surgically?  Why will surgery be different for me?
• Have I really considered the risks of surgery before now?  What risk level am I willing to accept?
• Have I considered the hospital portion of this process?
• How will the type of work I do affect my recovery?
• Am I willing to give up some foods for the rest of my life?  Am I willing to take nutritional supplements daily for the rest of my life?
• What level of weight loss will satisfy me?
• What will success be for me?
• How willing am I to commit to managing my food intake for the rest of my life?  How willing am I to deal with the underlying reasons for my past overeating?
• In what ways might I and my friends and family sabotage my program?
• Am I willing to stay on my program for the rest of my life?  What steps can I take to make sure I follow my program?
• Am I willing to minimize or eliminate eating high-sugar and high-fat foods for the rest of my life?  What steps can I take to make sure I remain compliant with all my post-operative instructions?
• Am I willing to remain vigilant regarding my caloric intake for the rest of my life?  What steps can I take to make sure I monitor my food and calorie intake?
• Am I willing to take the time I need to be sure my decision to have surgery is the right decision for me?  What do I need to know in order to make my decision?

Wow.  I can really see that the answers to these questions will be incredibly important for me.  Not

only are the answers important, but my willingness to be honest is equally as important.  This is more than just about which surgery I will choose but ultimately why I am choosing surgery in the first place.  I had a thought last night, fleeting as many of the thoughts I had, about maybe revisiting Optifast again.  I was able to lose 192 pounds through the program.  As fantastic as that was, I think my brain has forgotten all of the issues I had while I was on the shakes, though, especially towards the end.  I don't want to scare those that read my blog who are on the program right now, but I had a lot of medical issues going on after being on it for so long.  Truly, I think I thought about Optifast again because surgery is scary.  I gained a lot of my lost weight back after stopping Optifast and I can't forget that either.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not rethinking having the surgery (although that is okay if I choose to not forgo it in the future).  Surgery is just a tool, albeit a very important one, but I must give those questions serious consideration.  My life will change forever.  Forever.  I owe it to myself to spend some time in serious contemplation and answering those questions with my deepest level of honesty.  Heavy stuff.

Water Challenge Day 46:  Drank 182 of 182 ounces

Low-carbing as a diabetic

I spent my day being lazy.  I could have gone out and got some cardio, but I didn't.  Actually, that's not true ... I did spend some time working out in my backyard.  I always forget how tiring gardening can be.  What I did today really shouldn't even be called gardening.  It was pulling weeds.  Let's call a spade a spade.  Gardening sounds much nicer though, doesn't it?  I imagine lovely tulips with blades of green grass.  I have carpel tunnel in both my wrists with tendinitis in my dominant hand, so I haven't spent as much time on my backyard as I probably should have.  The pain is manageable, as long as I don't do too much at once.  Some some weeds are still alive and will be attacked on another day. The combo of my hands and bad back and I just had to call it quits.

I decided to spend some time today working on my food plan.  While I'm in the pre-op six-month educational portion of bariatric surgery, I have been advised to aim for a ten percent reduction in my body weight, although it is also okay for me to stay right where I am as long as I don't gain any weight.  A standard 1200 calories a day has been given to us as a guideline.  However, I always have to remember that I have some unique needs because I'm a type-2 diabetic.  Lately, though, I have been trying to see if eating a low-carb diet full of veggies and protein would serve me better.  That doesn't mean I haven't gotten in any carbs, but only from those that come with the foods I have been consuming.  Needless to say, my carb count has been pretty low.

The problem for me is that I have been feeling pretty weak.  I've been trying to push the feeings away, convincing myself it's just because I'm eating less calories.  Yet I know that the last thing my doctor would want me to do is to starve myself.  So I started looking back at some of my paperwork I've received from the doctor and diabetes nurse educators over the course of the last year or two.  Time and time again the point is made that I should not be avoiding carbs as a diabetic because that's where I get energy from.  Intellectually, I do know this.  I think that sometimes I forget how severe my case of diabetes is.  I have to take oral medication along with injecting insuling.  When my dad was here visiting, he was eating low-carb and he is also a diabetic.  However, I have to remind myself that he's doing it outside the advice of his doctor.  And he does have ongoing weight issues of his own.  Perhaps that's not the example I should be following.

Looking at the diabetic food plans I have been given that were tailored specifically for me, as well as research I did online, it's clear I've been taking the wrong course of action and can explain why I have been feeling so famished.  The dietitian wants me eating 2-3 servings of carbs per meal (up to 45 grams) with a daily goal of at least 6 servings of starches, 2 fruit servings, 2 dairy servings, as well as other guidelines.  When I step back and look at it, it makes a ton of sense as to why I'm feeling so hungry.  When I have more carbs in my diet, I do feel more satisfied with my food.  I used today as an experiment to see how my blood sugar would do.  I added a serving of black beans to my lunch and a serving of quinoa to my dinner.  When I checked my blood sugar each time, it was 115 a couple of hours after lunch and 117 a couple of hours after dinner.  Hmmm, exactly in the zone it should be.  .

Surprise, surprise, I'm not hungry right now.  I feel satiated, which is what I'm supposed to be feeling.  These are novel concepts to most people, but I guess not for me.  I tend to forget I'm diabetic a lot.  Or, I should say, I tend to act as if I'm not diabetic ... I never forget I have diabetes.  It's a disease and is always reminding me that it's a part of my life.  I have to somehow let go of the dieter's mentality that tells me that less is better and that feeling hunger all the time is good.  Sure, I should be hungry when the time comes but not all the time.  It's difficult to gauge when it's physical hunger versus head hunger when I'm not getting enough to eat.  I feel like a child relearning things as if for the first time in some ways.  My goal for tomorrow is to add more starch in, even if it's just a serving at a time.

Water Challenge Day 38:  Drank 183 of 183 ounces

Relationship with food

When I went to my Options bariatric class on Monday, I didn't have my course materials with me.  Another classmate was gracious enough to share some of what we were covering.  One of the activities we had was to look at a checklist of statements in regards to the relationship with food and place a check next to the things we identified with.  Then we discussed our answers in small groups.

I brought my binder home today since we'll be off of work next week and I didn't want to accidentally leave it behind.  I opened to the class lesson and decided to really look at that list again.  An example of one of the statements is, "Once I start, I can't seem to stop eating."  So I went through the checklist again and really was as honest as possible with myself.  Of the 35 statements, I affirmed that 26 were issues for me.  That is more than what I did during class; at that time, I checked yes to 22 statements.  Some of the things were about the emotional reasons I eat, that it feels out of control, certain foods that can't be resisted, hiding food, deprivation, celebration, compulsive activity around food (like eating right from the box/bag/carton), having guilt and shame around food and so many more reasons.

When I looked at the checklist with my results, I thought, Wow!  You really do have a problem with food.  This is not some sort of revelation out of the blue of course.  Any person that is 50, 100, 200, 300 pounds overweight has a really big problem with food.  Look at the example of the people that are on The Biggest Loser each season.  Do you seriously think someone gets that overweight just because they love to cook or that willpower will fix it?  It's just not that simple and for anyone to think that it is really is in a place of ignorance.

Going further past the checklist were some exercise questions related to the list.  I thought it was important for me to answer from the depth of my soul.  I have to do that or I will never overcome these habits around food that have taken a lifetime to build.  I would like to share the questions with you, as well as my answers.  The questions are for you to ask yourself, keeping the utmost honesty at the forefront when answering them.  The answers I put down are for me to be honest.  Putting them on this blog will definitely keep me honest because it doesn't paint me in the best light but I am owning my truth.

• Why do I think I overeat?  Searching my soul, I really feel like there are so many deep-seeded issues - child abuse, sexual abuse, fears I have, lack of self-confidence, feeling ugly.  Some issues started in the past but they really affect me now.
• Am I more likely to overeat at certain times of day or days of the week?  What times of day or days of the week?  Why these times?  The hardest times are when I return home from work and then through the rest of the night.  I come home to a place with no one there and I think the loneliness overtakes me.  I become really hard on myself.  Somehow the food provides comfort until more food's needed.
• Am I more likely to overeat when I feel a certain way?  What feelings lead me to overeat?  Why?  Definitely when I feel loneliness or that I don't have friends.  It's not true ... I do have friends, but it's just what my head tells me when I'm alone.  When I get critical of my body or when I feel ugly, I tend to escape into food.
• Am I more likely to overeat with other people?  Who?  Why these people?  The majority of my overeating is when I'm alone and have privacy to indulge in whatever.  No one can see what's going on.
• Am I more likely to overeat at night?  What do I think causes me to overeat at night?   Night is part of it.  I get really lonely being single.  I need more and when I don't have it, the food provides a false sense of comfort.

It's not easy to honestly answer these questions because, if you're anything like me, you have to deal with what you've written down.  I don't want to admit that I feel lonely or that I beat myself up for where my body is right now.  Yet, I also want to change.

At the high school where I work, we were fortunate to be blessed with a guest speaker today.  His name is Brent King.  His daughter, Chelsea, was murdered here locally by a man who took her while she was out running in a public place in the middle of the day.  She was abducted, raped and left for dead.  She was 17 and had a lifetime ahead of her.  The same person also murdered another girl around the same age, not too far from where he killed Chelsea, in the same manner.  The message of Brent's message today was about conquering hate by living in love.  He had every reason to live in anger and hate towards the evil monster who did this to his precious daughter.  Instead, he and his family choose to live in love and treat others in such a way.  They have taken was was an incredible tragedy and turned it into something positive.  They helped bring together a law, Chelsea's Law, to prevent this sort of thing from happening again.  They began a foundation that directly helps kids and the community.  They have grown stronger together as a family.  As I listened to this man's words, I thought about my own past and present.  I asked myself if I have chosen to walk forward in love or in hate.

It's a hard question to answer because I really want to say that I have walked forward in love.  In many ways, I do ... I'm kind to other people, giving to the kids I work with and do the best I can to leave a positive mark in this world.  However, when I look deeper, there is also hate and anger inside of me that I don't embrace enough to bring it out.  While I don't sit here in tears any longer when I think about being physically and sexually abused, there is hate inside of me towards the people that did those things.  While it was not my fault, I took those events and let them impact my confidence level as a human being.  I viewed myself as ugly, unworthy, disgusting.  I did things that helped to only confirm those things in my mind.  I hurt people, and myself, believing that I was no good anyway.  The truth is that there is good in all of us, but I have a hard time seeing past the weight and my looks.  My last boyfriend always told me how beautiful I was.  I have a friend that always calls me pretty lady when she sees me.  Yet, in my mind, I feel hideous a lot of the time.  Those feelings lead me to going to food to somehow comfort me.  It's a horribly vicious cycle that I pray I can get out of.

You may be reading this and thinking that I'm being brave for sharing this so publicly.  I do so because I know that we are as sick as our secrets.  I don't want to harbor ill-will towards anyone, no matter what they have done to me.  The only person that hurts from that is me.  It's easier said than done to say that I choose to be positive versus negative.  Habits take practice and consistency to change.

Water Challenge Day 29:  Drank 100 out of 185 ounces

Surprising result

From the lab work that was done on Monday, I thought I was done with all the tests they were going to do with my blood.  Wrong!  I happened to log onto Kaiser's patient website to look at when my next appointments were and found this message that was sent to me before a received an e-mail notification:

"All of your lab results look good, except for your vitamin D.  Your vitamin D level is low (24):  Normal range is 30-100.  A prescription is entered into the computer for you to pick up at any Kaiser pharmacy for vitamin D 50,000 units by mouth to take three times a week (or every other day) for 6 doses.

"You should also be taking over-the-counter vitamin D3, 2000 units daily as a routine supplement.  Continue taking the over-the-counter dose after completing prescription.  You will need to check lab again (vitamin D, PTH, calcium) after treatment.  Orders have been entered for non-fasting lab to be done the week of March 10th.

"You may also find the following website contains helpful information and you may purchase supplements designed for bariatric patients: www.bariatricadvantage.com."

So after reading all of that, the thing that struck me first was the part where she mentioned purchasing supplements for bariatric patients.  I wondered to myself, "Am I a bariatric patient now? Have I been okayed to move forward?"  These are legitimate questions, but probably most people would focus on the deficiency part first and worry about the bariatric label later.  Not me ... impatience rearing it's ugly head.

Back to the vitamin deficiency, I wondered how I could possibly be lacking in vitamin D.  Usually that's for people who don't get enough sunlight.  I do try not to bake in the sun since having melanoma, but I also don't hibernate indoors either.  I know it's winter time, but I live in southern California - there's generally always sunshine of some sort.  I went online to Web MD to see if I could find out what was going on.  What I saw made sense: of the various symptoms, I qualify in two areas - have darker skin and lactose intolerant.

I went to the pharmacy and picked up the prescription.  Pills with 50,000 units of vitamin D seems like a lot, but I'm sure that's just to get my levels back to where they should be.  I always think to myself that I have too many pills to take, but that is incredibly laughable because, after I have the gastric bypass, I will be taking vitamins for the rest of my life.  I am sure I will get rid of most, if not all, of my other pills as my health improves in the future.  I need to do what I need to do to get my level back to normal, so no big deal in the big scheme of things.

What, another change?

Yes! I like to keep things fresh so here's a new look to my blog.  I'm still trying to figure some things out, so there might be some minor changes but I decided that as I move into a new phase (surgery) of my journey to living a healthier life, it was perfect timing.  The woman at the top represents me springing out of this body that hides a fresher, more confident, sexier, much more free Kathy.  I found out yesterday that my melanoma biopsy is benign (YIPEE!!!) and so it's time to celebrate ;-)

Speaking of my surgery, I found out more information in terms of my next steps.  I had an evening workshop to schedule at work with some families in January, so wondered when my gastric bypass pre-op classes would start, provided I move to the next step.  They take six months and I didn't want to schedule a workshop the same night I have those classes.  I thought maybe I should just wait for my appointment with the doctor in charge of the Kaiser clinic since that's just next week.  Yet I realized it would not only be meeting with him but then waiting for the referral to get back to the program director and then finally scheduling something.  Or I could just call the program director and find out details right now.  Yeah, that sounded much better.  That way, I could plan my workshop and also find out when things get rolling on the classes.  Okay, if I'm being completely honest, it was probably more about finding when the classes start because I'm anxious than the workshop I need to do in January.  I just can't wait!

I called and got to speak with the director.  I told her I've gone through the orientation, did all the lab work and will be meeting with the doctor on Tuesday.  She sounded surprised I'd gotten so far so fast.  Well, I guess when you're feeling determined, you'll do whatever it takes to make it happen.  I knew that the choice is up to me in terms of how fast I want to get going. The classes will be starting on Monday, January 20th at 5pm.  My classes will be on Mondays, right after work, so that's perfect.  Even better, I get to do it at the facility closer to my house and I also get to do it with my new friend who is going through the same program.  I can't even express how excited I am about all of this.  I'm also so grateful I will not be doing this alone.  The support system I have going on for this is so much bigger than the one I had for Optifast.  It's been pretty amazing.  I haven't even told that many people outside of those that are very close to me.  I'm sure in time I will share it with more people, but for now I'm holding it close to the vest because this is very personal and I frankly don't want any Negative Nancy's bringing me down.  I had enough of those with Optifast.  As strongly as I felt about that program, I feel even moreso for this one.  After everything I have tried, it feels right for me on some very deep level I can't quite express.  But I think you get it.

Determining whether or not this is life-saving

I was watching the news this morning and they had a story of a man who was trying hard to have a kidney transplant.  He was scheduled for surgery at UC San Diego, but then the nurses went on strike so it had to be canceled.  This man has been on dialysis nine hours each day and had found a donor coming from out of state.  Because his insurance didn't cover a person not within the state, he had to pay the added expenses.  He shared his plight with local media and then, lo and behold, was rescheduled for surgery (funny how things shifted so quickly when he went on the news...hmm).  I watched his story and saw the joy in his face as he knew he was about to undergo life-saving surgery.  So this made me think about me and the feelings I am going through as I embark on the journey of weight loss surgery, particularly a gastric bypass in my situation.

I wondered, having just watched that story, is the surgery for me in the same category as life-

saving?  Don't get me wrong, I don't have any doubts it is the right avenue for me.  However, I am very introspective and I really need to honor any time I have feelings or emotions pop up, especially when it comes to something like surgery.  This decision is the most difficult and serious one I have ever had to make in my life.  Yes, I have had other surgeries before, one of which was certainly life-saving, but being in the super obesity category forces me to look at this with deeper consideration, especially when there are emotions connected with food.  Can gastric bypass surgery be in the same category as other life-saving surgeries?  For me, I have to think of it with a visual reference to help talk myself through any questions that might pop up in my mind.  If I fell off a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and someone was able to throw me a tool of survival, such as a life preserver, wouldn't I reach for it if I honestly have tried every other effort to save myself?  If it's between grabbing it and having it help me reach safety versus continuing to drown because I'm feeling too proud by saying that I can do it on my own, wouldn't I want to reach for it?  Of course I would!

I have been reading a lot of blogs of other people's experiences with having had the bypass.  I am so grateful they have taken the time to describe the entire process and, especially, talk about the emotions they have gone through.  I realize complications do pop up for people and there might even be physical pain that comes along with the surgery for a few weeks or even a couple of months.  One of the interesting things I noticed is that a lot of people have been talking about fear of excess skin.  I suppose I have a unique perspective because I did have excess skin when I got down to my lowest weight while doing the Optifast program.  If you look on the right side of my blog, you'll see a side by side picture of me at my highest weight and then my lowest weight.  At that smaller weight, the picture looks pretty good but it did hide skin under my clothes.  However, having been there compared to being here at 355 pounds today, I can say for sure that I would take the excess skin in a freaking heartbeat.  In a heartbeat!

For me, and I can only speak for myself, this is absolutely a life-saving surgery.  My health is in just as serious a condition as the man awaiting his kidney transplant.  People die daily from the effects of obesity.  Whether that is a heart attack, diabetes or something else, it is something to never take lightly.  I'm 41 years old and there is huge potential that things can get worse for me.  I'm certainly not saying this to be morbid.  That is not my intention at all.  Rather, it's my way of working through my process.  I have the great potential of being relieved of most, if not all, of the pain I live with constantly.  Both my diabetes and sleep apnea will likely be reversed.  My high blood pressure and high cholesterol will be lowered.  I will significantly decrease the chances of a heart-attack.  Instead of approaching the surgery with the mind-set that I have failed at other attempts to lose the weight and so now I'm "resorting" to the bypass surgery, I think of it as I have the great opportunity to turn things around to live a healthy life.  Forget the excess skin; this is so much bigger than that.  I feel there is such great potential with this road I am now traveling.  I am not approaching this in a negative way at all.  I am thanking God for this blessing and the people who have had the courage to talk to me about this with love and sincerity in their hearts.  You know who you are and I can't tell you with words how much your love for me has deeply touched me.  On Thursday, I will be taking the next step on this journey when I attend the orientation session for bariatric surgery and I'm looking forward that.