The pain of excess weight

Today I'm feeling the pounding my body takes for having extra weight on my frame.  I don't like to always complain about this ache or that pain because I don't want to be that person.  I'm sure you all know them ... you ask how they are doing and they actually tell you every bad thing that is going on.  We all have our battles and I know I can vent with friends, but I also don't want to be all about the negative.  On the whole, I try to be a positive mood and I smile a lot for those that know me.  Today, though, I just feel how much damage the weight does to my body.  To be honest, I don't know how I functioned as well as I did when I was at my highest weight of 420 pounds.  I was watching an episode of My 600-Pound Life the other day and there was a man on there that weighed about 750 pounds.  I know in my heart that he must have felt physical pain with every step.

One of the reasons I have opted to pursue weight loss surgery is because I want a better quality of life.  By getting off the weight, I know that it will be such a major improvement for the constant problems I have with my back, as well as the leg and knee issues I have.  Imagine every breath you take or every step being associated with increased pain.  It can bring people to their knees with frustration and depression.  I was reading about a study that said for people with osteoarthritis, every pound they lose will feel like four pounds less stress on the knees.  My poor legs, from my hips down to my feet, have pain all the time.  To be honest, I'm surprised I can do as much cardio as I'm able to do because I do have a lot of pain.  It's such a vicious cycle.  Yet, I'm hanging in there.  I actually had to stop my walking earlier tonight because my body had simply reached its limit.  I was disappointed that I couldn't get in those 10,000 steps but I am doing the best I can.  In fact, I'm much more vocal than I used to be about that.  When I go walking with my friend at lunch and if she's walking too fast, I do ask her to take the pace down just a little bit for me.  I would have been afraid to say something before because I thought I was going to be judged, but pain wins out over ego every single time now.

I wish there was a point in my life that, as the weight and pain was creeping on, I could have stopped overeating.  That's what lets me know that there is more to it than just lack of self control or willpower.  There are many things in my life that I can handle just fine and even excel at if I try my hardest.  When I've tried to do the same thing with food, there's something that just doesn't work the same as it does with other people.  It's really strange that ice cream or a cookie can have that much of a hold over me, but somehow they do. I'll tell you one thing .. I never cared so passionately for broccoli or cabbage as I have longed for a piece of pie.  I can tell myself to just say no or stay away, but seeing those kinds of sweets still pull at me.  I'm not partaking in them today, thank you God, but they still attract me.  I know that, with the surgery, that won't just miraculously disappear.

I know I talk about the surgery a lot.  I completely recognize that.  Thanks for hanging in there through my discoveries about myself through this process.  By undergoing the surgery, there is a huge potential to change my life in ways I have only dreamed about.  In some ways, that terrifies me to the bone.  In other ways, I'm so excited about the endless possibilities.  As I get closer towards the end of my pre-op classes, the surgery becomes more of a reality.  At work today in one of my regular staff meetings, we were talking about some things that will be occurring in August.  I probably won't be there for them because I'll likely be home recovering from the surgery or just coming back to work at that time.  That makes this more real.  Gulp.  Like I said, terrifying and exciting at the same time.

Water Challenge Day 95:  Drank 178 of  173 ounces