Sunday, August 18, 2013

Been struggling the last week

I have to admit that I'm feeling out of sorts right now.  In the last week, I have felt just plain bored.  B-O-R-E-D.  It might be because I know I have a semester in between finishing my undergrad program and starting graduate school.  Unstructured time sometimes gets me in real trouble.  I have even contemplated stopping my posts on this blog and taking the blog down.  Why?  Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say, other times I feel like it's because I think I have failed.  I have moments where I really, really want to go back on Optifast.  Never mind the fact that it made me very sick and that I have some medical problems now I am convinced are as a result of the product, I still know I lost a ton of weight.  No, it's not the solution.  Having gone on the product and having lost 190 pounds (I think that was the final number I had lost), it actually would be pretty crazy for me to do it again.  I'm not saying people are crazy for doing it, but having had the experience of the medical problems as well as losing so much weight only to see a big amount pile back on, I realize in the deepest part of me that going back on the shakes is not going to solve the weight problem.  I will still be faced with the same issues, if not more, whenever it is that I would transition back on to food.  People contact me all the time on this blog to talk to me about Optifast.  If you do a search on the Internet for it, my site does pop up.  Hindsight being 20/20, I would not do it again and I very easily can ... I have a ton of packets left in my house.  The truth is that if I don't fix the inside, then the outside is a mess, too.

I know I have been doing a huge amount of comparing.  The worst part is that I'm not comparing myself against other people more than I am comparing myself against me at my lowest weight about a year ago.  Let me describe an example to illustrate my point.  A year ago, when we were doing registration at our high school for the upcoming school year, I was literally the talk of the volunteers at the registration tables because of my huge transformation.  Obviously many people hadn't seen me over the summer, but a lot hadn't seen me for months before that unless they came to our high school to meet with me on something.  I had parents stopping me in the middle of the campus and just gawk at my new body.  Fast forward a year to last week when we had registration.  I had people eyeing me up and down, without saying a word to me, very clearly judging me on the weight gain.  They weren't trying to be blatant, but it was humiliating.  And what was I supposed to say, stop staring at me?  Tomorrow our teachers will be back on campus and I don't want to participate in our welcome back staff meeting/lunch even though I know I have to participate.  I feel like a big loser with a "L" on my forehead.  I know I'm not, but it's just how I feel.  Can you see now why the idea of going back on Optifast seemed enticing?

Intellectually, I know it's calories in and calories out but my heart doesn't deal in common sense equations.  It aches for how things were when I was thinner.  Even then, I was still overweight, but I sure felt light as a rail in comparison to how I feel now.  There is still a lot of fight left in me, though.  I am spilling my guts here right now, that's true, but it's the best way for me to move forward - doing so honestly.  I have so many people who are in my corner, supporting me and holding my hand as I go through this difficulty.  They know I can do it, I just wish I felt as confident inside.  More than anything, I do want to be healthier.  The physical pain I live with will be better with less weight on my body.  Heck, even painting my toe nails will be easier without a tummy in the way of getting it done.  Life is so much more enjoyable in every way possible when I love and carer for myself as I do for other people.

So, I'm going to commit to something right now: I will post on this blog each day during the week this coming week, even if I think I have nothing to say.  That's the way I was feeling when I started this post and look at all I managed to write about.  I really don't want to hide because of any shame or guilt I may be feeling.  I'm a human being and, like many others, I am walking through the struggle of being healthier but I also am a fighter and I don't give up either.  If I had, I wouldn't be here typing my thoughts away.  This is not an easy thing to walk through and, if anything, I know people are seeing that through reading about my story.  I haven't gained all my weight back, far from it actually, and I praise God for that.  Thank you, Father.  So now I keep on walking down the path I am supposed to be on, wherever it will take me.

2 comments:

Cynthia Larkin said...

Hello Kathy. I am about to begin Optifast soon. I have my 1st appt tomorrow morning. I came across your blog and read some of your earlier posts. You seemed so much happier earlier on in this process. It saddens me to read this post because I feel your pain right now. From 2003 to 2007 I lost 100 pounds on my own and felt great. Since 2009, I have put on 50 pounds and I feel horrible. We all know the key to losing weight and keeping it off is to burn more calories than we consume. Easier said than done when you are dealing an addiction to food. I can relate.

One of my biggest fears is getting this weight off again because I have done this before. I lost the weight, but allowed myself to regain some of it. We all know or should know this battle with weight is a LIFETIME commitment. And this is what sucks. We can NEVER stop or give up.

And I believe that you are harder on yourself than others are on you. We are our worse critic. I don't think people are looking at you and judging you. It's your own insecurities and feelings of "failure" at work here. But you have NOT failed. You have still lost a substantial amount of weight and you can do this. If need be, maybe you can recontact Kaiser and get in another one of their counseling programs. There is support out there. We just have to take the steps toward the help that is needed and available.

Don't give up. If you have a bunch of Optifast packets left over, maybe you can use a couple of them a day as meal replacements.

You have accomplished a lot and have inspired many. Don't give up. Really figure out what you need to do in order to get yourself back on track.

Kathy said...

Cynthia,

Thank you so much for your message. You are absolutely right - I am my absolute worst critic and I'm owning that right now. I also recognize that this place I find myself in right now is not the happiest. When I was losing so much weight on Optifast, it was a definite thrill especially when I had spent so much time in my life convinced I could never lose weight. Best wishes to you on your journey!

Post a Comment