Monday, October 29, 2012

Weekly weigh-in and update

Even though this day was an emotional one for me, it was a good day and I'm grateful for that.  I lost 3 pounds this week.  That's really fantastic, especially given I was up five pounds during the week so I guess technically I lost 8 during the week.  I'm grateful that I'm back to my highest weight loss total of 190 pounds gone.  Yay! 

It was an emotional day for me, though, because I have been trying to walk through my feelings about potentially being sick with another disease versus staying in the moment.  I want to "publicly" thank that special person who e-mailed me yesterday and basically kicked my bootie but in a very loving and friendly way.  She told me to stop looking at websites about R.A. because I'm projecting into the future that I don't even have a definitive, 100% diagnosis about right now.  While the doctor I saw on Friday was not being approaching my case with a positive attitude, he did tell me a rheumatologist would confirm the condition.  Until then, I need to stay in the day.  She is sooo right!  I am committing that I will not be Googling anything online having to do with that or any other medical condition. 

I was upset earlier today because I had called the rheumatology department to schedule the next available appointment and was told the soonest I could see someone would be on December 4th.  Oh, I don't think so lady!  First of all, that is my birthday and like hell am I going to put myself in any position to potentially be told that I have R.A. on my birthday.  Yeah, happy freakin birthday, Kathy!!  Secondly, that's more than a month away.  So I e-mailed my doctor and told her everything that's been going on while she's been out of the office.  She is always good about getting back to me and working her magic to get me a sooner appointment.  If anything, I think she'll want to see me herself.  She's been my primary care doc for about 12-15 years, so I feel very comfy with her handling things.

When I went to the Optifast clinic tonight, I went into the medical office and talked to the two staff members who have been seeing me.  They reviewed my lab results and talked to me about my symptoms.  They point blank told me that in their experience with R.A. patients, I don't present the symptoms of one at all.  Besides that, my elevated levels were only slightly elevated in the big scheme of things and that the exercise I have done in the past three days would not have been possible if I did have R.A, at least not without excruciating pain.  I explained to them what happened with that other doctor and they said he was probably just covering things to be on the safe side.  That's not how he dealt with me, it was more like I better get in to see a rheumatologist right away, the sooner the better. 

Then, when we had our group Optifast meeting, the counselor brought it up for me to talk about and I shared with the group everything that has been going on since last Monday.  I told them all how scared I had been feeling, but that I had been praying a lot this weekend.  The thing with all of this has been that my faith has really been tested and it was the thing I knew I had.  If I had nothing else, I was and am certain I had my faith.  I don't get too "religious" on my blog, but I also don't ever shy away from the fact that I pray and that I have a relationship with God.  I was on my knees this weekend, not in a begging sort of way but in total humility, giving my care and my health over to God.  Having had all that time in prayer, good conversations with friends at work today as well as my interactions with the Optifast medical staff and counselor this evening, I feel like I'm in a much, much better space than I was on Friday.  I still don't know where things stand, but I feel like I can get a restful night of sleep and know that all I need to do right now is handle things as they come.  Sometimes being in the moment is hard enough ... I don't need to do any more projecting about an outcome I have no control over anyway.  And I love the fact that my food has been as clean as a whistle - no going to food to make me feel better when this all would have been a really good excuse before.


adorkbl said...

Congrats about the loss. Hang in there. I hope that it isn't RA, but not having a DX is hard as well.

Kathy said...

I'm doing much better today. Saw the doc and things are looking a whole lot sunnier ;-)

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