Saturday, October 20, 2012

Purging signs of bigger me

I really thought a lot about something I put in my last post:  Why am I hanging onto clothes that no longer fit me?  What I mean by that are clothes that are too big on me, that I really have no business owning let alone hanging in my closet as if I'm going to wear them someday.  When I say they are too big on me, I mean they are very, very big on me.  In fact, the pants I'm wearing now are a size 16 and those are starting to get baggy.  This is absolutely insane.  People, I started in a size 34.  A freakin 34 and now those size 16's, which I just recently got into within the past month or two, are now getting baggy on me?  I just don't  understand how in the world I am supposed to process any of this.  It feels like it's beyond my level of comprehension, although I'm certain it isn't.  It just seems like I blinked and I woke up in a body that is totally unfamiliar to me in many ways. 

I did do something productive about it today, though.  I had several boxes/bags of clothes that friends had given me of things they thought would fit me or would in the future.  They've been sitting in my spare bedroom, so I went in there and started trying on clothes.  It actually was a pretty fun experience because most everything either fit or were actually too big on me.  Just a few things were still a little tight, so I hung them up in the spare bedroom's closet for a future date.  The rest of the things that look good on me now got moved into my bedroom and into my closet.  And every single thing that is too big on me, except for a couple of workout t-shirts, got taken out and dumped on this growing avalanche of clothes I'll be donating to charity.  Unbelievably, this is only one of the mounds that I have.  I talked about doing the donations last month, but I think it was trying on all the newer clothes today that was enough of a push for me to really do something about it.  I put on jeans, blazers and some really cute outfits that made me feel, well ... hot in them.  Anyone that really knows me knows I would never say that about myself, so I must have been feeling really good.  So much so that I finally see it's now time to let go.  Maybe someone else can enjoy the old me, but I'm moving on.  And happily so. 

In the vain of moving on, the realization of how the change that has happened in my life sort of hit me square between the eyes today when I thought about how it has changed my relationships with other people.  In most ways, things have moved in a positive direction. Those relationships have become very strong and I'm so grateful for that.  In other relationships, however, particularly with a couple of close friends, I realize that the changes may be too much for us to survive intact.  One friend in particular, who I have been extremely close to for a long time, seems to be growing further and further apart as I lose more and more weight.  That's heartbreaking to me because this person was so supportive in the beginning.  It must be tough to see someone losing so much weight when you struggle with that yourself.  It just made me feel a bit lonely today.  These are times when I miss a guy in my life.  Actually, there are many times when I miss that, but particularly when you just need someone to give you a hug and tell you it's going to be okay, to just stay the course and continue to keep taking care of yourself.  Sometimes that is the biggest challenge in life - the choice to take the road I haven't always taken for the sake of my health and well-being.  Sometimes it's a very difficult path to take with a lot of sacrifices along the way.  But, I am still choosing to do it every single day.


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