Saw the rheumatologist

I didn't post yesterday and I had several people who sent me e-mails asking if I was okay.  I love it!  I'm used to checking in daily and I guess you guys are used to it, too ;-)  Yesterday I was all set to write, but then my Internet service went down, along with my cable.  Even my cell service was being weird.  I live in California, nowhere near that devastating storm, so I didn't know what the heck was going on.

Yesterday I went to my physical therapy appointment and updated the therapist on what's going on with my back, as well as the situation with the R.A., all the bloodwork that's been done and just pretty much everything.  I'm making progress on the back pain, but it is still significantly with me every day.  She did give me some new exercises to do that further works on strengthening my core and leg muscles at the same time.  I was happy about that because that's exactly what I want.  You know things have drastically changed in my life if I'm saying I was happy to be given exercises to do!

The other thing that happened yesterday is that I decided to fight a little harder for myself.  I mentioned that I got an appointment with a rheumatologist on my birthday, over a month away from now.  My primary care doctor told me what I needed to do to get a sooner appointment, so I called back and basically shot straight with them.  I told them that not only was I scared about perhaps being told that I have R.A., but that it would be done on my birthday and I just couldn't deal with the stress of that.  Besides, waiting a month to hear that news is like torture, so I am willing to go anywhere at any time in the county (I told this to the person who originally scheduled my appointment, but thought I'd try again).  Miraculously, the person that was helping me on the phone, someone different, was very sympathetic towards me and found an appointment for me for today.  It was a little further away, but go ahead and ask me if I cared how far it was.

I have been praying a lot and I knew that it put me in a place of great peace so that by the time I walked in to see the doctor, I was perfectly calm and my regular self.  The doctor was very thorough with me and very patient as I told him everything that has transpired.  He looked at my history, especially at all the bloodwork that has been done recently, asked me a ton of questions and did a physical exam.  He told me that I don't clinically present as a person with rheumatoid arthritis.  Yes, some of my labs were abnormally high, but that's why they look at more than just the labwork.  That was a huge relief to me and I found myself silently praying to God in thanks as the doctor continued talking to me.  He is going to run more lab tests, wants me to do x-rays and is going to investigate further why I am continuing to have the pain in my legs.  He will get back to me when he has all the results and then I'll see him in three months.  I remember telling a friend a few days ago that if it turns out I don't have R.A., I would gladly take the pain in my legs.  In comparison, leg pain is nowhere near what the people who have that disease suffer.  If you're curious, just do a Google image search on it and you'll see why I was in tears over the weekend with the thought that I might have it.

I'm definitely not dropping the issue of the constant pain in my legs, as well as the lightheadedness.  After all, something is wrong.  But, I'm not going to spend all my energy worrying about it.  I have seen a team of doctors and other medical staff lately and I know they're on it.  Let's see, in the last two weeks, I've seen the acupuncturist, physical therapist, dermatologist, neurologist, nurse practitioners, primary care and now the rheumatologist.  Man, that's a lot of poking and prodding!  You know what?  I haven't given up on myself or given in to the stress.  I'm still taking really good care of myself and walking through all of this.  It's definitely not easy dealing with all the monkey wrenches of life, but the difference is now that I am dealing with it.  I know that food does not solve any of it and I am not about to turn the direction of this ship into a perfect storm to send me back to that 417-pound Kathy.  There's just no way.  A shift has happened in my life and while I may make mistakes along the way, the whole point is that I pick myself up and keep right on trekking down the road, taking you all with me of course ;-)

Weekly weigh-in and update

Even though this day was an emotional one for me, it was a good day and I'm grateful for that.  I lost 3 pounds this week.  That's really fantastic, especially given I was up five pounds during the week so I guess technically I lost 8 during the week.  I'm grateful that I'm back to my highest weight loss total of 190 pounds gone.  Yay! 

It was an emotional day for me, though, because I have been trying to walk through my feelings about potentially being sick with another disease versus staying in the moment.  I want to "publicly" thank that special person who e-mailed me yesterday and basically kicked my bootie but in a very loving and friendly way.  She told me to stop looking at websites about R.A. because I'm projecting into the future that I don't even have a definitive, 100% diagnosis about right now.  While the doctor I saw on Friday was not being approaching my case with a positive attitude, he did tell me a rheumatologist would confirm the condition.  Until then, I need to stay in the day.  She is sooo right!  I am committing that I will not be Googling anything online having to do with that or any other medical condition. 

I was upset earlier today because I had called the rheumatology department to schedule the next available appointment and was told the soonest I could see someone would be on December 4th.  Oh, I don't think so lady!  First of all, that is my birthday and like hell am I going to put myself in any position to potentially be told that I have R.A. on my birthday.  Yeah, happy freakin birthday, Kathy!!  Secondly, that's more than a month away.  So I e-mailed my doctor and told her everything that's been going on while she's been out of the office.  She is always good about getting back to me and working her magic to get me a sooner appointment.  If anything, I think she'll want to see me herself.  She's been my primary care doc for about 12-15 years, so I feel very comfy with her handling things.

When I went to the Optifast clinic tonight, I went into the medical office and talked to the two staff members who have been seeing me.  They reviewed my lab results and talked to me about my symptoms.  They point blank told me that in their experience with R.A. patients, I don't present the symptoms of one at all.  Besides that, my elevated levels were only slightly elevated in the big scheme of things and that the exercise I have done in the past three days would not have been possible if I did have R.A, at least not without excruciating pain.  I explained to them what happened with that other doctor and they said he was probably just covering things to be on the safe side.  That's not how he dealt with me, it was more like I better get in to see a rheumatologist right away, the sooner the better. 

Then, when we had our group Optifast meeting, the counselor brought it up for me to talk about and I shared with the group everything that has been going on since last Monday.  I told them all how scared I had been feeling, but that I had been praying a lot this weekend.  The thing with all of this has been that my faith has really been tested and it was the thing I knew I had.  If I had nothing else, I was and am certain I had my faith.  I don't get too "religious" on my blog, but I also don't ever shy away from the fact that I pray and that I have a relationship with God.  I was on my knees this weekend, not in a begging sort of way but in total humility, giving my care and my health over to God.  Having had all that time in prayer, good conversations with friends at work today as well as my interactions with the Optifast medical staff and counselor this evening, I feel like I'm in a much, much better space than I was on Friday.  I still don't know where things stand, but I feel like I can get a restful night of sleep and know that all I need to do right now is handle things as they come.  Sometimes being in the moment is hard enough ... I don't need to do any more projecting about an outcome I have no control over anyway.  And I love the fact that my food has been as clean as a whistle - no going to food to make me feel better when this all would have been a really good excuse before.

I'm a scrappy fighter

Knowing that I more than likely have a disease inside of me has been tough to deal with the last couple of days.  Of course I won't know for sure until I see a rheumotologist, but all the symptoms are pointing strongly in that direction.  I got up this morning and started really checking out R.A. on Webmd and some other sites that have pretty reliable medical information.  I just wanted to know what I'm facing if in fact this is what's going on.  It was pretty difficult to read, I must admit.  Part of me wants to say, No, this isn't me.  I don't fit the symptoms.  The other part of me, though, realizes I fit many of the symptoms.  R.A. can be devastating on the body and the medication used to deal with it has potentially horrible side affects as well, thinks like leukemia.  It's all pretty overwhelming to digest. 

Yet, this isn't the first time that I have had challenges in my life.  In fact, this isn't the first time I was faced with a chronic condition.  I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2000 and I remember having similar feelings of fear.  Yet, I am now no longer considered diabetic.  Since going on Optifast and losing all the weight that I have so far, I have been told by several doctors and other medical staff that while I'm not necessarily cured of diabetes, I am in remission because I no longer present with any of the symptoms.  That really is a miracle to me.  I said to myself, Fight, Kathy, fight!!  When my back is against the wall, I come out swinging and I fight, so this time would be no different.  I changed my clothes, laced up my shoes and decided now was a good a time as any to go outside and move my body. 

As I started walking, the pain was coursing through my legs so it was slow going at first.  Then, a couple of blocks into it, my fierce determination and will to persevere kicked in.  I picked up my speed, raised my head in defiance and walked briskly down the road.  I was reading that one of the things that helps with R.A. is exercise.  As I continued walking, the pain was lessening enough for me to make it through a 5K.  I felt so powerful and strong.  Yes, there was still pain there, but I think the endorphins of the moment helped me realize that I have the desire, determination and fighting spirit to walk through all of this.  I will fight because it's what I do.  I refuse to give in to the fear that tells me my life is never going to be the same again, that all of my hopes and dreams for myself will never be realized and that I should just give up.  No way!

By the time I got home, I was feeling so much better.  The pain in my legs was back when I stopped moving like I was, but that didn't matter in the moment.  What mattered was that I was not going to give up.  I am going to fight to be as healthy as I can.  I did not start this weight loss adventure only to be saddled with more medical challenges.  I don't believe that was my purpose in this whole thing.  I want to be healthy and I am committed to that, no matter what roadblocks stand in my way.  This is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination.  I was reminded of that fact when I got in the shower, stood under the water and sobbed in the corner.  That's the place I have always cried when I am alone and really honest with my feelings.  When I was diagnosed with cancer last year, when I was told I had diabetes, even when my ex-fiance broke my heart ... the shower was where I let out everything I was holding in.  But that's what I needed to do because, by the time I got out of the shower, I knew that I was not going to eat over this, I was not going to sink in the corner in a helpless state.  I knew that I was going to move forward in the most positive space I could be in, honoring my feelings but putting one foot in front of the other anyway.  God has given me His hand to hold, so I know I'm not walking through this alone.  I'm a scrappy fighter and so I will continue to fight, fight, fight.

Summoned in to see the doctor

I received a call at the office this morning from Kaiser that they want me to come in and see a doctor right away.  Since my doctor wasn't in the office, they scheduled me to meet with someone else in the same building in the afternoon to review my test results and to get a referral to a rheumatologist.  Okay, this means it's something serious if they're not telling me what it is over the phone, at least that's what I thought.  I had a couple of hours to work at the office, my appointment with my acupuncturist and then the doctor's appointment later in the afternoon.

Meanwhile, the medication I have been put on leaves me very tired (even though I had 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night) and it makes me feel like I'm having a huge hangover that just isn't going away.  Not great things to experience.  My legs hurt badly, but I'm just not sure if that's because there's new pain there or because I'm now aware something is wrong and I am noticing the pain more when before I just somehow pushed through it.  I know that, in my life, there have been many times that I have pushed through pain.  That's sort of what I learned to do as a kid when I was being abused and so, as an adult, it's been an automatic reaction.  It's only now that I'm seeing I'm not supposed to just push through extreme pain ... I should actually seek help in these situations.  I know that's an elementary thought to many, but not when you've been in negative situations before.  You do the best you can to get through the moment.  I am in the mode of self-care now, though.  So  am going to see doctors for help and not giving up if it's feeling like the answers are not quick or right in front of me.

At my appointment with my acupuncturist, we normally sit down for a few minutes and talk about what's going on with me - body, mind and spirit - before she then starts placing the acupuncture needles in my body.  As I was catching her up on everything that has happened since last Friday, I was talking about how overwhelmed I have been feeling with all of this and then I just burst into tears.  Once the tears came, it was a while before they stopped.  I think it was me being absolutely honest with another human being sitting right in front of me, basically saying I know that I'm a strong person but it's a lot to take right now.  The thing with all of this has been that ever since I made the decision to get healthy and started losing weight, all these other issues have been piled onto me and the pressure of it all feels like it's collapsing me.  She patiently listened and gently guided me into what the issues are that are feeling overwhelming to me right now so that I could really talk about the things I've been holding in.  Today, instead of spending our session working on my back, which is my primary purpose in seeing her, we decided to work on my legs since that is the thing that is causing me the most pain right now.  While my back pain is probably a 5 out of 10 right now, my leg pain is at about a 9.  It gave me amazing relief to just take the edge off the pain in the area where she worked.  Since all areas of my legs are affected right now, there just wasn't time to work on it all this session, but I did feel better walking back out to my car.

Later, when I saw the doctor, he said the lab work is suggesting that I have rheumatoid arthritis in my leg joints.  Actually, he asked me about my hands but since I'm dealing with worker's comp things there, he didn't delve further in that area.  We reviewed every single test and two of them came back abnormally high.  My next step is to see a rheumatologist to confirm the diagnosis and then talk about a treatment plan.  I do fit all of the symptoms of someone suffering from that condition and the lab tests back that up.  When he left me alone in the room after the appointment, there was a part of me that was having a hard time with hearing this news since it's yet another thing to deal with.  But a bigger part of me was relieved that there is a name to explain why I have been feeling so bad.  Here I thought the pain was from a person who was exercising everyday who hadn't previously done that, so I just associated it with soreness from that.  Yet, when the pain was never going away and was increasing with time, it now makes perfect sense. 

When I got home from the appointment, the first thing I wanted to do was go out and exercise.  I was warned with the medication I'm taking now that weight gain is a potential side affect and I did see the number on the scale go up a little from my last weigh-in.  That coupled with the fact that I have been exercising less because of the pain explained the gain.  In my head, though, I just wanted to exercise it away.  But, sanity returned when I thought about how tired and "drunk" I was feeling from the medication, along with the news of my next medical challenge.  Instead, I crawled into bed and decided that rest trumped everything else.  I'm glad I wasn't being stubborn and going out and exercising anyway.  The last thing I need to do is add more problems to the list if I'm already not feeling well.

I really want to thank those that have reached out to me, whether on this blog or through a personal e-mail, even those that have been praying for my healing without saying anything to me.  It has meant a lot to know that I don't walk through these things alone and that I can be as real as I need to be here.  I didn't want to be downer with discussing all of this medical stuff, but then I realized that this is not about being a downer at all ... this is about healing.  There is tremendous strength in that as I face those hills and challenges that stand before me.  Personally, I don't want to run away from them because then I'll run straight to food, which is how I chose to deal with things before (meaning I wasn't dealing with them at all).  Even though I'm dealing with a lot of pain right now, I'm suiting up, showing up and walking through the best way I can.  I'm getting to know all different kinds of doctors in the process, but more importantly, I'm getting to know myself and my strong resolve ... Kick Ass Kathy as some in my Optifast group have affectionately dubbed me.  I like that.