Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The memories continue

I was nervous all day long about going to my class tonight as I blogged about yesterday.  The nervousness was so palpable as I was driving to campus after work that I almost felt sick to my stomach.  What on God's green earth was that about?  I have no clue.  I decided to park far out so that I can get a good walk in to my class and back.  Since I can't really get a good amount of exercise in Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday now that my college is back in session, I thought this was a good way to take care of myself.  So I parked at the far end of a huge lot on campus, walked a good distance, went down four flights of stairs and then reversed the process afterwards to get back to my car.  It felt good. 

When I came to the stairs, I had memories of a time when I first started at the campus.  I was trying to find the bookstore and went up what seemed like a million flights.  I felt incredibly out of breath by the time I had climbed all of them.  Somehow those memories were right with me again today.  I'm not exactly sure why I'm having episodes of remembering the way it was a lot lately, but I'm sure there's a good reason for it. 

There is so much physical pain coming from the world I came from that it's really no surprise that little flashbacks are occurring now.  What's so unusual, though, is that it feels like those memories are of somebody else, completely removed from me.  Does that sound weird?  It's as though I have disconnected from 417-pound Kathy, letting her go more and more each day.  That does not mean I have changed completely.  The soul of who I am is still who everyone knows.  It's just that they get the best parts of me now, along with another part of me that is still learning and wobbling around on new feet.  I feel like a baby giraffe on these legs that are just way too new and I'm looking to my mom to help me learn to walk.  Only she is telling me that I just have to keep trying and eventually I will get the hang of it.  Okay, I promise to keep trying!

The desk situation went fabulous, by the way.  Not only did I fit comfortably in the seat, I actually had plenty of room to spare.  Perhaps you guys didn't doubt it, but I sure did.  When you have lived in that world for so long, it's very hard to just let the thoughts go.  In my mind, I'm still the same size as I was back in January, even if I get shown over and over again that it just ain't true.  If I did fit in a desk like that before, it was just barely and would cut off my circulation because the fit was just way too tight.  I thank God above for continuing to show me in a way I can understand that He has not left me at all through this process and will not do so as long as I continue to turn to Him for guidance through all of this.  Several friends have told me that they see my faith as an integral part of my journey.  I couldn't agree more.  What has happened to me really is a miracle, at least in my eyes.  Why is there peace around me as I go through this?  Why am I not tempted, not even in the slightest, to cheat?  How am I losing this much so fast?  I really do feel God's hand on me.


Big Heart said...

If I saw your post yesterday I would've told you not to worry, you'll fit because I had the same problems. I barely fit the desks when I first started there. I would be sweating getting to class all the freaking time! And my student work study job there was giving campus tours... Luckily I lost weight around this time so it got better. Anyway, have a happy semester walking the stair master!!

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