This morning the cutie patootie repairman for the garage door came out to the house. When I greeted him, I was wearing a revealing little skirt that was showing off my legs, although I wasn't even thinking about that at the time. It's one of those skirts that is short in the front, cuts to above my knees and then gradually gets longer towards the back. As I have been losing more and more weight, I've been try to buy things that not only fit me, but look nice on me. When I was in Vegas a couple of weeks ago, my brother made a comment to my mother that he was glad to see me wearing younger things and not like an older lady. I guess when you get to a certain size, you (a) stop caring and (b) can't find anything in your size that is your age and have to settle for the horrible polyester cuts of the stereotypical overweight older lady. Anyway, back to the repairman. I showed him out to the garage, which is out back and not attached to the house. As we were walking out, call me crazy but I thought he was flirting with me and I was pretty sure I saw him checking out my legs. I'm 40 and he couldn't have been more than 25, so talk about boosting up your ego! Without making you roll your eyes and giving you a play by play of the details, there was definite attraction there in all his interaction with me during the time he was at the house and I have to tell you it made me feel like a million bucks. Yes, I flirted back, even though he was so much younger than me. I strolled off to work after that, wondering what the heck that was all about. It just made me feel pretty and a girl needs to feel pretty.
Then, at work, I found myself whistling and singing in my office. I brought in some of my CD's and was playing them while I was working on cleaning up my office in preparation for a move next week. There's some switching of offices going on with new people coming in, but I'm super excited about my move, so I'm completely okay with the relocation. Co-workers have been asking me a lot of questions about the weight loss, especially about how I am feeling. As I think more about it, the truth is that I feel wonderful overall. There's a peace about me that I haven't had before. My body can do things now I never imagined, let alone is doing. Things like walking three miles everyday, wanting to get in exercise, crossing my legs at my desk, fitting behind a steering wheel with a million miles of room in between it and my tummy, no longer worrying about out-of-range blood sugar levels, having a low blood pressure reading every week, skin that is fresh and soft, no longer snoring when I'm sleeping ... I could just go on and on but I think you get it. After I finished my workout earlier this evening, I took a shower and then curled up on the couch with one of my kitties and a book. This book was just fun reading, not expected to be deep or searching in any sort of way in my mind, but it was the thing that gave me the aha moment that topped any other.
It said, "If you grow up with a wholly negative self-image, thinking you're some kind of reject, an unlovable savage, you think you deserve to be beaten ... it's much easier to wear your pain on the outside."
Then I realized, oh my gosh, my weight is my pain. It is not about the love of food, it is about the pain I have felt all of my life inside manifested on the outside. Can you imagine a child being loved, but also being beaten frequently enough to the point of physical bruising and scars that will never heal? What does that do to a person inside, even when the physical pain that was suffered heals, if it is able to do so? What it did to me was told me I was nothing, worthless, ugly, unwanted ... unloved. Those things may or may not have been true, but how is a child supposed to know the difference? As I have said before, I don't live in the past, but the feelings that those events from that time created were things I have never really let go of yet I did display that pain for the world to see without my ever realizing it. Perhaps someone that met me didn't know I was abused or raped, but they knew something was wrong. A woman does not get to be 417 pounds without something seriously being wrong inside, I don't care what sort of smile she puts on her face to cover it up.
When I decided to embark on this journey of weight loss through Optifast, I had finally reached the point of being done covering it up ... smiling on the outside but being utterly in pain on the inside. I rose up when God called my name and offered His hand to me to guide me through this process. I was done making horrible decisions with men, like being with my ex-boyfriend even though he broke my heart before, or being stupid with other men because they showed interest in me. Truly, he did me a huge favor when he shattered my heart to pieces this last time because it gave me the strength to tell him off finally. And I was done with feeling physically deplorable, in a state of almost waiting for a heart attack to hit me. No one can really understand the heartache that comes with living in such a large body unless you've been there yourself. Getting diagnosed and surviving cancer was one thing, but to continue to hurt myself daily by not taking care of myself was beyond painful.
The reason the weight is coming off in such a drastic manner, the reason why I am not struggling with wanting to cheat at every turn, the reason why this time it really is different is because I surrendered in a way I have never done before. God has displayed to me over and over again how very precious I am to Him, not the beaten up, broken child who felt so lost inside. Emerging is a confident, powerful, beautiful woman who is stripping herself of the fat that no longer serves her. When I read that passage in the book earlier this evening, I cried because I realized, deep in a place full of hope, that the reason I have such peace in my process of losing this weight is because I truly don't need it any longer. I can let go of those feelings of just not trusting and be my genuine self, whomever that might be. I can appreciate when someone flirts with me, I can sing because I feel joy inside and I can know that forgiveness frees me.
I have either really articulated my point or confused you to no end. Regardless, I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, by the loving grace of God. And, when the time comes for me to go into maintenance, I don't have to fear that place any longer because, just as I am being guided now, I will not be alone when I face that new world either. I pray that those that are struggling through this program, or any other life-changing process similar to this one for that matter, let go of the fight and just simply trust. It will all be okay. Better than okay ;-)
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