Remembering what it used to be like

I was mentioning to a friend yesterday that I haven't had any dreams about food since I first started Optifast.  Back then, they were vivid and I suppose a part of me was in mourning.  Since I went into ketosis, about two weeks after starting, I pretty much have only had one time where I wanted to have food.  Otherwise, amazingly, I have been fine.  Then, last night, I had a dream that I was eating.  Not only was I eating, but I was bingeing on food.  I can't remember what circumstances led up to my eating in the dream or what exactly I was eating, but I just remember that feeling of not being able to get the food in my mouth fast enough.  The feeling was as if I was leading this secret double life, like a junkie who couldn't inject in her arm fast enough to feel the high as soon as possible.  I woke up out of my dream with a start and quickly sat up in bed.  I looked around my bedroom, trying to figure out if I really was eating or what exactly was going on.  I then realized, with overwhelming relief, that it was just a bad dream.

I remember those days of sneak eating, of having a whole bag, box or carton of something, of hurting myself by eating way too much.  Sometimes it was just in one sitting, but most times it was a constant grazing.  Food was more important than anything else and it gave me a relief from so many things in life, like boredom, stress, feeling alone, anxious and many other things that have nothing to do with food.  It was this secret world I lived in that I didn't talk about with anyone, just put on a good front.  Although, I'm sure people could figure it out because they could see me gaining weight over the years.  But how do you talk about it when there is so much shame and embarrassment around how big you've gotten?  It's very difficult.  As I was realizing this was all a dream this morning, I sat there and wondered why I was having this sort of dream now, after all this time.  Then it hit me:  I threw my scale away yesterday.  I feel like I have no control now around my weight, not that I did by owning that scale.  I wanted to weigh myself this morning and I couldn't.  Not only that, but the old Kathy is being put to rest.  She is being replaced by someone who is healthier, happier and cares about herself a whole lot more.  I don't want to eat the way I did before, not ever again.  I want so much more out of life.  Yet, the process of letting go of the past and embracing what I have now and what I will have in the future is still not an easy process.

I had to shake it off and go about my day.  I had plans this morning to meet Sara for our usual weekend walk.  We have been meeting at 8:30 each Sunday morning to walk around a lake for a couple of miles and hang out for a while afterwards at the attached park if her little boy goes with us.  This week her whole family joined us with husband, son and her two dogs.  On our last lap, her husband took their son up to the park while we continued on with the dogs.  I walked her sweet little 40-pound beagle, Molly, which was a lovely little treat.  That little girl is stronger than she appears!  If other dogs passed us by going the opposite way, she really tested my arm strength to hold her back.  When we finished our walk, we headed up to the park.  The leash slipped out of my hands and I lunged forward to try to grab it before her dog ran away, forgetting how strong little Molly is.   I did manage to grab it, but lost my footing on the grass that was heading up a hill and fell backwards right on my butt.  Plop!!  I was so concerned on the way down of landing on my hands since I have an ongoing injury there from work that I tried to do the best I can to land on other body parts.  I seriously am okay, Sara, no worries ;-)  I do have several cuts on my right arm and am sitting on an ice pack as I type this, but I will survive.   It brought memories to me about times when I have taken a fall for whatever reason at my heavier weight.  Instead of having just a soreness and a few cuts, I would have been in a world of pain for a long time.  Can you imagine what type of beating your body takes when you fall at 417 pounds?  I was grateful that I was much lighter and so really I am able to laugh at this and am not upset in the slightest.  Clumsy me.

It's the memories of what things used to be like that I hope I never forget.  I don't want to ever lose sight of the physical pain that all that extra weight on my body brought me.  And I certainly don't want to ever forget how overeating, especially the unhealthy foods, made me feel.  This is a new world for me, but I can't forget the old one either.