Right here, right now

I met fellow blogger/new friend, Sara, and her little boy for a walk today.  Well, he was in his stroller, but same diff.  It's always a struggle for me to figure out what I'm going to wear because I have been choosing things that are too big for me or that I think (in my head) don't look good.  When I wear form-fitting leggings, my thighs don't rub together.  I have lost the most weight in that area and the tighter pants just conform to my body more.  I knew it was going to be hot outside, so I certainly didn't want legs rubbing together like a grasshopper so I chose those pants.  Then I thought, to hell with it, I might as well wear a top that fits as well.  When she saw me, she said I looked thinner. The last time she saw me was just last weekend, so it's not as if I lost fifty pounds during the week.  So, we did our walk and then when they left, I walked a couple more miles.  I was self-conscious at first, but let it go.  It's hard for me to expose my body.  Not in that way, silly people, but just in the way of recognizing it as it is right now ... smaller.

Yesterday, a friend had texted me, asking me what size tops I wear because she occasionally keeps an eye out for me since my clothes change so frequently with the weight loss.  And do you know what I told her?  I texted back, "I think I'm in 22/1x but prob more comfy in 24/2x."  What that means is that (a) I can't admit where I actually am and (b) comfy does not help me with acceptance.  First of all, my pant size is an 18.  When I started Optifast, I was in a 34.  Think about that for a minute.  I have always said that I have lost much more on the bottom than I have on the top, but that's just not true.  My actual size on the top is also an 18 or XL, down from the same place as the pant size.  However, I am uncomfortable with my actual size.  I have shirts from work that now fit me just fine that are size XL, when before I couldn't get one arm in the sleeves, let alone actually wear them all the way down my torso.

Why am I telling everyone my size?  Because I need to out myself.  I am having a tough time accepting myself where I am right now.  It's a body I don't recognize, but I don't say that with negativity in my heart.  I am having a great life right now, with so many new experiences everyday, but it's a little bit of a scary place because I don't recognize it.  I have lost about forty percent of my original body weight.  Like it or not, Kathy, that means you're going to be smaller.  I completely need to be present for what's going on with me right now, not some magical day in the future that I am always working towards.  This place is a great place to be right freaking now.