Monday, December 23, 2013

Being an example

I'm in the full swing of vacation and am really enjoying not having to do much.  I'm keeping myself occupied for sure, but I do like the idea of not waking up at 5 a.m.  Let's face it, that pretty sucks!  My mom is with me over a few days this Christmas which is really nice in some ways and, in others, I get to see how I am too independent.  I'm really used to doing things my way, when I want to do them and in what manner.  She just wants to take care of me and I see myself standing in the way, being a bit bull-headed.  I need to let that go and let her be a mother to me.  She did share with me that she is happy for my decision in pursing the gastric bypass surgery and actually is going to talk to her doctor when she sees her next month about getting it done herself.  She really has come to recognize my reasons for pursuing this path - health.  Living healthy and feeling healthy.  I'm so astonished that she wants to do it for herself, but extremely happy at the same time.  She's 63 and I do want her around for a long time.  I don't know how  became a source of inspiration with her in this journey, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Speaking of weight, I've had a rough go of it over the last couple of days.  I have been getting really down on myself about all the weight I have gained back and how much weight I have to lose to be healthy.  It doesn't seem like any of my clothes fit me, or least hardly any fit.  Just carrying in some groceries this afternoon made me realize what kind of damage I have done after years of carrying the weight around.  Even 20 pounds on a person's frame is an extra load on the joints, back and heart.  My seat belt is getting tighter around me in the carrand I'm just a lot more aware of excess weight right now.  Instead of going out and getting a few things that fit, I continue to try to squeeze at what I have.  It makes me tug at all of my shirts and try to shimmy my way into pants.  In a sense, I think it's a way of punishing myself. By not wearing clothes that fit or make me feel comfortable, I am hurting myself, especially the emotional part of me.  Actually, I didn't realize until just now that that is what I have been doing to myself ... being passive aggressive.  After Christmas on Thursday, I promise I will go out and pick up some clothes that actually fit.  In time, I pray I'll get smaller and won't have to spend much time in those clothes.  Regardless, I feel really blessed to have the opportunity to feel better and healthier.  Good health doesn't seem like a lofty goal for many people, but it does for me, that's for sure.


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