Friday, March 23, 2012

But I don't want to feel

I just had a supremely awful day yesterday that seeped into today a little bit. I was so livid driving home and darn it if I didn't have to sit in the feelings. I won't go into the whole drama of what happened since I'll be typing into next Tuesday if I did, but it involved someone at our district office at work throwing me under the bus for something that was not my responsibility whatsoever and me needing to defend myself. In the end, this person was rewarded for not doing her job and the work was pushed on to someone else. I was so angry when I got home yesterday. Thankfully I have evidence to the contrary through e-mails, but I still was so pissed off.   I try to do the right thing as much as I can and be a good person, so it really is hard to stomach when someone who doesn't just gets away with things.  I do believe what goes around comes around, but I have to then deal with my feelings about it in the meantime.  And I have to admit that I felt like I was a little girl, stomping my feet and pouting as I sulked off to my room saying, "But Mooom, it's not fair."  Isn't that one of the biggest lessons in life, that things just are not fair?? 

Here's the amazing part of this, though.  I did not and do not have to eat over this.  No amount of junky food or healthy food, for that matter, is going to take away anger, disappointment, fear, or whatever other emotions I was feeling.  There was never that moment for me where I was looking for food to eat.  That is a huge switch for me, let me just say that right now.  Before, I would have been mindlessly on the hunt in the kitchen.  If there was nothing in the house, then I would go out to search for food like a drug addict trying to score her dope in a dark alley or an alcoholic heading to the liquor store looking over his shoulder.  I had done it many times before ... driving through fast food places, stocking up at the grocery store for a binge or whatever other stupid thing I was convinced would take away feelings that I just did not want to sit in.  Thankfully, though, I'm in place where my health is very important to me and it is just not worth it.  It's not even just physical health, but emotional and spiritual health as well.  Can I tell you all what an amazing miracle that is?  There is absolutely no one stopping me from doing any of those things right now.  I'm in my house alone, waiting for a repairman, and I could do real damage.  The difference is, though, that I am not choosing that right now.  God is really helping me to remember that I am not walking through life alone.  I don't have to solve problems with my face in a container of ice-cream (as if that ever worked anyway).  No, I deserve so much better than that. 

Admittedly, while the anger is still there a little bit, I am in a much better place for having written this.  I can treat myself and my body with loving kindness, not punish it like I have done for so many years.  In fact, I think it's about time for another lovely Optifast shake with yummo Torani sugar-free syrup.  Oh, by the way, I discovered I fit into the next smaller size today.  Yahoo!!!  Happy, happy, joy, joy.


optifastblog said...

Sympathy and congrats! Sounds incredibly frustrating - unjustice really hurts - but how much worse it would have been if this person and this situation made you hurt YOURSELF by derailing your program and plans for healthy living!? Double win for them, double loss for you. YOU are the winner by not letting that bad stuff at work take you away from your goals. It is hard to find new ways to feel better, but so important. I hope things are looking up and that you are giving yourself many pats on the back for all your successes. Best wishes!!

Kathy said...

Yes, I am doing so much better today about all of this and am so grateful that I chose not to eat over this. That feels so much better than regret.

Truth Teller said...

Wow. You sound just like me. I let everything bother me. Again, you are so inspiring.

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